Oh, so very true! I felt that raw emotion just reading this post.
I really can't believe the ones with no bk 's of their own.
I hope one of the rental homes in my area contact me soon! LO

Disengagement worked for me. I used to be far too involved with the skids, but with disengagement, I now choose the level of my involvement depending on my attitude that day. Granted, my DH went to counseling to deal with the way he was being treated by his kids, and his counselor told him that he needed to circle the wagons around his marriage, which should be his number one priority. And he respects my wishes for the most part. He still gets caught up trying to save his helpless 25yo daughter and her baby, but a word or two from me will bring him back to reality. We have compromise and we stand together as a team.

Disengagement does NOT mean to disengage from your marriage. It means to separate yourself from the toxicity of nasty skids. It stressed me out to hear every drama that was happening with SD, and I found that when I chose not to worry about it and just let him deal with it, I was more at peace and I could no longer be blamed for anything when I wasn't around.

OP I totally agree with what you mean.

But consider this: The first step is to stop the bleeding....

This was actually something I had planned to post about today.

DH and I only got married in February after a tumultous year (see post in General Forum: Meeting The Ex). His SS32 and SD28 have been giving us hell and stirring shit with his family - prompted by the Ex-Wife making a lame offer of reconcilication.

It's in DH's personality to be gracious and open even if others are not - something that I admire greatly - so we are trying that path with his family. I know some people here might think I'm just opening myself up to toxicity, but I don't want to give observers within his family and without any chance to say I'm not trying or that I'm keeping DH away from his first family.

I think disengaging totally would be misunderstood by those who want to find fault with me. So I'll partially disengage: ie. not bother when he deals with his skids on a day-to-day basis, but I'll still keep my doors open *if* they want to engage with me. Damn if I give anyone the opportunity to label me a Wicked SM!

I get what you're saying and there are several people on this board who have not been able to disengage.

Fortunately, I'm not one of them. Disengagement serves its purpose and I believe it's easier on those of us that do not have any kids (or any kids at home).

I only disagree with you stating that it's a band-aid and not a solution. For me, in my particular situation, it was the only solution. And it's been a solution for others.

However I do agree, it's not a solution for everyone.

My sympathies to you and what you're going through right now.

That's scary......so scary.....

"So, even in disengagement, there remains a chasm of silent conflict, secrecy and distance that slowly erodes all intimacy, trust, respect and the wholeness necessary between a man and a woman"...dunwiththem.

This is my biggest fear...

Well, not in every case. I dated men with little kids and I certainly DID run for the hills then. My SD36 was 18 when I met my hubby. I thought, ok, she lives in a different country, says she's never coming back to the US, this might work... hmmmmm. Well, the best laid plays can go awry. She broke up the her bf and proceeded to move into MY house. That I paid the mortgage on. Then she got married and moved away (yippee!!!) It wasn't horrible until the last few years. Now she is older, lazy, stays at home and lives with the Loser son inlaw, her brats, in my husbands ex-wife's house (that my hubby paid for, by the way) and is jealous of everything that we have worked hard for.

Resolution? What the heck is THAT? Everyone on the face of this earth has baggage. When you love a man you put up with some. And he puts up with yours.

Oooo making progress... I wrote "brats" and not grandkids... hopefully my thinking is finally changing and I can forget about them.

We all do have baggage that's a definite. I don't necessarily think of peoples kids as baggage though.

But if that was so...the skids in my situation are a lot more then baggage...more like a freaking freight truck.

Disengagement does not always offer 'resolution' for everyone but it offers a respite from the hostility. I know what you mean about "-- there remains a chasm of silent conflict, secrecy and distance that slowly erodes all intimacy, trust, respect and the wholeness necessary between a man and a woman."

Like Skeeter I found that I had to defend myself when verbally attacked by SD and her husband, and I will do it if needed from now on. The fact remains though, DH did not think enough of me to insist SD and her husband respect his wife in my own home, and he never has. Yes, we have learned to get on with our lives. I love DH and we are quite happy but I have never regained full respect for him. I have come to acknowledge that HE was the problem more than SD.

When you wrote, "In reality I don’t expect one single person to listen to this because we all make our own mistakes and then come looking for answers", it hit a 'note' for many of us who have been on this site for a while. Like many of the women who finally come in search of answers, for many years I thought I was 'different' and so 'special' that it would eventually work out for SD and I. There are still posts on here which state that their Skids treat them like dog doo and DH does nothing, but they say he is a great guy. It reminds me of when my ex was fooling around on me - it was right in front of my face but I refused to see it. I know I'm on my soap box (sorry!) but society really needs question the suitability of a future spouse with adult children to a happy, healthy marriage.

Beautifully written. It is exactly how I feel. I have lost trust in my DH. I don't think it will ever be regained as my heart is hardened.
It is sad when that protective bubble of love is burst.

...

I'm new here and found this forum while looking for some insight—not really insight, but validation for the way I feel OR a new way of looking at things. Dunwiththem, your post touches some of my worst fears. I will be marrying a man with three adult kids next summer. His son has already told him that I can't be a grandma to his children. I am feeling so wounded . . . they have never even met me, and already he is shutting the door? Of my 5 children, two really like my future DH, two are just glad I'm happy, and the other is negative and tries to be territorial (I won't let him). I entered the relationship determined to be loving, fair, not play favorites and not draw any lines.

I should probably start a new thread later because I am so distraught that I can't even put a cohesive statement together.

I know that it works out sometimes—I just hope that this is one of those times. Do I just commit to love his children as I have my own, through all the quirks, and hope that it works out . . . or . . . sigh.

This is very true. I have had no contact with my husband's oldest son for 10 years and no contact with younger son for 5 years. I also have had no contact with my inlaws in many years as well. I cut them all out and it was mutual and as long as they do not have contact with husband, or vise versa, things go well. I do not ask about them and I am sure they do not ask about me. Husband has gone to family functions without me and I have been fine.

However, a new change has developed in all of this that has made me rethink this process. Our only child together just recently turned 18, and now my daughter is being asked to join functions without me and I do not like it. I lost my first family to my fist husband's affair and bitter divorce, I lost my second family (step family with current husband) due to a split among the children, and I now I feel I am losing the only family I have left if I remain the outsider.

The steps never have to accept us but they need to have respect for their parent's choices. We don't choose who they marrya nd we don't tell our children we will not attend certain functions if their spouse attends Adult step children owe us that same courtesy.

Disengagement after 26 years of step hell saved my life...Gave me the breathing space I needed to gain a new perspective on what was really happening...helped me push the reset button, and gave me the time I needed to heal from all the complex trauma imposed on myself and my own family...

It was a time that was utilized to de-program me from the person they had shaped me into becoming...I found me again...and at that point...there was no return to the toxic culture they are all marinated in to this day...The legacy of hate and unforgiveness was starting to contaminate my personhood...I had to take me back...Disengaging was the venue I used to do that....

Now high level boundaries are in place, and the entire relationship has shifted...I no longer need to have a relationship with these people...Why on earth would I continue to embrace such hateful individual who only seek to harm me and divide my marriage??

That is crazy...

Disengaging helped me change my focus to something more fulfilling and productive in life....(like my own children who have been innocent casualties of the step trauma for their entire lives...

Disengaging was my last option after trying everything else....I am so glad I did....Now, the step life is a very small part of my life instead of it being my life...peace

I agree with OP that disengaging is more of a band aid and not a permanent fix. lt's like having to redress a wound when it gets oozy again. My gooey wound is an ss30 who refuses to grow up, hates that daddy got remarried and blames all his failures on daddy not doing enough for him. Things go smoothly for a few months while ss30 is mad and not talking to his father then ss30 needs something and he's back in my face, kissy kissy with DH and the cycle starts all over again.

Recently he was downstairs visiting with DH and my SIL came over because she wanted to know the scoop. "Have they reconciled? Are they talking again? blah blah..." I told her that I have no idea since I've asked DH not to share that particular drama with me anymore.

I used to care about his relationship with his kids, his happiness in fatherhood, helping him smooth things over, ask about them and how things were going, etc. But now I'm done. Silence, nodding or the way my face moved as DH talked about ss30 made me the bad guy. If I get enough warning that ss30 is coming over I will gladly run errands while he is visiting. He brings them up now and then but I don't. Never expected that being a step mom to adults would be so drama filled but I had two choices, disengage or be a doormat. I can happily report that I'm done being the doormat!

I have semi-disengaged and it has worked wonders and I actually like his children better now.

His adult children wanted family time with BM (which included the holidays). I tried to make it work but the BM and kids actually started saying things like they were all a real family and I only fulfilled DH's intimate needs. I asked DH to deal with it, but every time he said anything they all threw fits and he would come back with his tail between his legs. I felt like he cared more about them than me. Instead of getting mad or waiting for him to do anything else, I plan something fun whenever he is around his kids whether BM is there or not. I tell him to have fun and instead of brewing, I just go and have fun with my own kids, friends etc. It has worked so well that I actually am enjoying myself and he can sense that I don't really need him or his kids. This has scared him and he keeps tweaking time with his kids to make it more enjoyable for me, so he is starting to take control of the whole crazy bunch. But since time with them still favors his EX (but much less so) I still decline. He misses me like crazy when gone and he is with them. Instead, I fill my time doing my own fun things. He has realized that I really don't need to be with his kids, especially when BM is around.
The benefit of it is that I am happier, I don't have to stress being with them and I am having fun without them. I don't know what he says about why I am not there and I don't really care. Recently SS came to town with his girlfriend. I made plans for most of the trip and only saw them two short times. I had a great time and didn't feel any guilt.
The benefit is that when he talks about doing stuff with them, he now practically begs me to go, I will only agree if it is on terms that don't make it all about them or BM. Since that rarely is the case, I don't go. Really its been good. And now when he talks about if they call or what they do, it does not drive me nuts anymore. Frankly the emotional change has been very good for me and my ability to deal with him.
He is a great man despite his lack of balls dealing with his ex. However, the more his misses me and the more he realizes that I am not engaging with them, the more he is standing up to them and I think that in a year or two things will start leveling out.

Dead on.
No one is truly happy with disengagement - not long term. But sometimes it is where we have to go to maintain even a semblance of sanity.
There for two years plus.

Ive been married for 5 years, disengaged for the past year and we didn't fight over his youngest (30) anymore! It's been good. My DH still has issues with it and just wants us to "all get along" He fails to see the little passive aggressive things she has done.
Even SD30, tells DH she "wants a relationship" with me. But I have learned she is just playing the part of daddy's good little girl, and telling him what he wants to hear so I will seem like the bad one. The one who is causing the issues and not trying to make things work.
She had not been in our home for about a year until a few months ago. I told him he could see her elsewhere, and he would but she would keep asking to come over & he kept making excuses. One day she was across the street at her sister's and asked DH could she come over and see me? Please! Like he really wanted to see ME. She just wanted to prove to me that daddy would let her come over.
He WANTS her to come over, and I don't and he brought her over. I was polite but distant. She hasn't been back.
Every time I have EVER thought of trying to be cordial with her again, she makes me regret it with her games.