SD ruins birthday, funeral

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I (F45) and SO/fiancé (M52) have been together 10 years. Two SDs (27 & 32) have been on again off again drama for a decade. Their favorite form of torture is emotional blackmail-they'll get in a snit and refuse to speak to dad for months at a time. When he ignores it, they prod him with long texts, accusing him of all sorts of emotional wrongdoings to try to get a reaction. We've been caring for his elderly parents for years and the 2 girls completely abandoned their grandparents. Didn't even call them for the holidays, SD32 hasn't seen or spoke to them for 2-3 years and SD27 didn't call for the holidays or visit when grandfather was on his deathbed and asking for her. They were both collectively mad at dad about something we still don't understand. (SD32 was having a rough time & we took her with us to Vegas for a weekend and SD27 got jealous. They spin each other up so that's undoubtedly at the heart of the matter. SD32 has been such a brat she didn't even text her dad "sorry for your loss" when his dad died. The younger one at least started talking to him again when grandpa died, but she never saw him before.

SO's nephew is like a 3rd kid to SO (his dad's out of the picture) and turned 21 yesterday. SO and I were SO excited to celebrate with him. Nephew started being wishing washy about afternoon plans and canceled on us for early in the day. Found out from SIL that SD32 had demanded (her word) that SO not be invited to nephew's 21st. Then she showed up 2 hours late and effectively stood him up. SO was so pissed, disappointed, and hurt by nephew's behavior, we didn't even go for the later activities that night. SIL (nephews mom) talked with SD32 who, when called out in public, claimed she wanted to reconcile with SO and played the poor me card. SIL kept begging us to come (at 8pm after hours of this drama) but we didn't. I'm sure we'll be the bad guys today but SO hasn't spoken to SD32 in 8 months (her choice) and nephew's 21st bday wasn't the place for that to play out. Plus, SO was really hurt by nephew-SO practically raised him for 15 years and he chose to exclude SO for SD32 who he rarely sees or talks to.

These kids are old enough to understand that there are times in life where you don't get a do over and to grow up. Their sulking and emotional blackmail means they'll never see their grandfather again to make it right, and they didn't allow a dying man to see his grandkids. Nephew won't have another 21st birthday and SO had been looking forward to it for a year and had all sorts of things planned. They're mean, selfish people who need to grow up or go away.

Does the nephew know how you DH feels?

I wonder if the nephew understands how DH felt about his birthday. If your DH is a guy who holds his feeling close the nephew might not have thought how much the celebration was going to mean to your DH. And at the same time SD is throwing hysterics about how much it means to her and how it can't involve your DH.

A young man might read this a face value and think the path of least resistance is to give in to SD. Could be a good teaching moment for him to learn that people being load aren't necessarily the ones you want to listen to.

I read your other post and

I read your other post and saw he adopted them. I would definitely draw hard boundaries with these two. There no way I would want to have anything to do with them. He can see them outside if the home by himself. Seeing he still gets roped into their games and is unable or unwilling to shut them down, he can handle them on his own. Seeing he is unwilling to correct extended family and let them cause drama, he can suffer the consequences for that. (Lost out on Nephew's party)

Grown women acting like middle school mean girls , ain't nobody got time for that. Hard boundaries IMO.

I respectfully disagree that

I respectfully disagree that he should meet with his Adopted spawn privately. That is EXACTLY what they want and it will allow them to more easily create a wedge between the two.

Emotional blackmail is evil. It is worse than drama the skids do in person. The silence is deafening to both the dad and the step, but it has to be endured until either the skids give up and accept the step or the relationaship is finally over between bio and their kids.

Face it, the parents allowed the ingrates to grow up with hatefulness and a complete and utter lack of empathy for others and manners. I can't imagine neglecting my grands ever, much less in their dying months/days. THAT utterly selfish behavior is a preview of what they'll do to their own dad! Dad, do you have a grasp on what you've raised? If you're smart, you will put your life in to your wife and cherish what you do have.

Let the spawn shrivel on the vine while you enjoy your life with the one woman who has your back.

Get your point and agree but

Get your point and agree but if he hasn't fully experienced their evil without a buffer, it might just be the thing he needs to face reality with these two. If he comes home brainwashed then OP will have to make it clear what she can tolerate.

My SS has little to do with two of his three families.

He is very close with my parents and family. H will see my IL's upon occasions when he is in SpermLand with his mom and I. He sees the SpermClan nearly not at all and when he does see them it is for a couple of hours at most.

They make no effort and he reciprocates.

My family engages with him.