OK so I made a post a while ago regarding what I thought was my mini wife situation but now im not so sure. I appreciate all the feedback that I got and its good to know that I am not alone in what I am dealing with. So its been a few months and things havent gotten worse, there has been slight improvement after a couple very difficult conversations with my SO regarding the situation.

However he thinks that I am picking on my SD, being overly harsh on her, or have jealousy towards her. I admit that it is very difficult for me to "share" my SO but it is because I feel like I am having to compete for my rightful place. I told him that sometimes it feels like the only thing in the world that he cares about is his daughter and that if I am feeling that way to imagine how his son feels. I think that maybe opened his eyes slightly but he still is so oblivious to what he does. He has no sense of reason when it comes to her and immediately gets defensive at even the slightest criticism of her or her behavior. His favorite repsones is "shes a good kid." I NEVER said she wasnt! And my want for discipine and boundaries has nothing to do with disputing that. He doesnt make her do anything around the house, NEVER disciplines her, lets her do whatever she wants to do and when I say something about it then he gets all mad and defensive and acts like I am somehow mistreating her.

I do tend to hyperfocus on things that bother me and I dont know how to stop doing that. I unfortunately have gotten it in my head that she is the only thing that can ruin my relationship with my SO and that has created some resentment towards her. The other unfortunate thing is she is becoming all of the things that I dislike in people. She is concieted and thinks that she is the best at everything. She is self centered and vain. She takes hours to get ready and expects us to wait until she has completed her 2 hour makeup routine to go places which often times makes us late because my SO never does anything about it and to top it all she gets an attitude when she doesnt get her way. Ive made comments and done all but be harsh and say how rude and disrespctful of other peoples time she is. I have addressed this issue with my SO but he just fusses at her with no real discipline or teaching. So it literally goes in one ear and out the other. I just find it ridiculous that a 15 year old wears so much makeup that it takes her 2 hours to put on! Shes obcessed with being "trendy" which is frustrating to me because I feel that it will carry over into being peer pressured into doing things she knows is wrong for the sake of being "cool".

Just recently she was suspended from school for being caught in the car "making out" with a boy. This opened my SO's eyes some but I think he deferred all of his anger onto the boy and went easy on her because she cried and did all kinds of sucking up to try to get back on his good side. When I told him she was sucking up to get her phone back he got mad and said I was wrong and that she was genuinely sorry. I see straight through that bullshit and know that she was only sorry that she got caught. He took her phone away for a week and that was the end of that. I would have chosen a slightly more harsh punishment for getting suspended for a whole week and I am sure that if the tables were turned and my SS would have done the same thing the punishment would have been more severe.

That is what makes it so difficult to watch. I am an only child and I only have one child of my own but I HATE favortism! I absolutely hate it. I have also talked to my SO about that but his response is always "you are supposed to be harder on boys". I disagree with that. He lets me discipline my son and only steps in if I ask him too. He says he is fine with me being hard on my SD but that I take it too far and constantly pick on her. He said this after she played piano at church. She was cocky and didnt take her sheet music and messed up quite a few times. He praised her at church, at lunch, at least 5 times that I heard and probably more that I didnt. It gets really irritating after the first couple of times. I get building them up but come on! Not everything she does is amazing. I was honest and said "You messed up a few times and if you would have had your sheet music you would have done better" She of course said that it was the piano that made her mess up and that the music wouldnt have helped. That is what he was mad about though. I told him part of the reason that she is concieted is the fact that he tells her shes perfect all the time when shes not. He will never tell her the truth that he doesnt like her outfit or makeup look. I on the other hand tell her like it is. Im never mean about it but I say I dont like certain things. I have told her that too much makeup doesnt enhance your beauty but sometimes it takes away from it. Im not going to lie to her because she cant handle someones criticism. I have told her that she is going to have to get some thicker skin if she is going to make bold fashion choices.

Its just hard sometimes and I dont think he understands how I feel. He has made more of an effort to realize things out in public though since we had the converstation about how it looked to others and how it made me feel. He said he didnt realize that it was a big deal.

But with all that being said I wonder if my mini wife issues are actually just severe immaturity on her part and maybe a little on mine as well. Being an only child I lack some coping skills, I was a spoiled brat by default but I turned out ok. I just have some very strong opinions on how things should be and it is very difficult for me to accept it when it turns out to be different. 

My SD is also very clingy to me and literally everyone else she can be. She is constantly leaning up against someone, reaching across the table to get someones hand, etc. She wants constant hugs. She kisses both me and her dad on the cheek. Sits on my lap as well as his. Maybe I am mistaking immaturity for being a mini wife. She has never had a mother. It has always been just daddy and his two kids more like daddy and her. She always been able to sit on his side of the table and hold his hand because there wasnt a mother in the situation. Maybe its just immaturity and only having one parent to cling onto that has created this weird and different dynamic. I feel that she should be growing out of this stuff. I am a daddys girl too but at 15 I was not sitting on my dads lap and wanting to hold his hand in public.

I love this man so much and I am thankful that he is a good dad. I just wish that he would teach and discipline some of these behaviors and try to push his kids more towards independance. My BS6 has more independance then either of my stepkids but its because I have taught him. I love my SS and SD. I want them to succeed and be likeable people. I dont want my SD to fall off the pedestal that she has been placed on and have to experience the rude awakening that is reality. She is a beautiful, talented young woman and I want to cultivate that but not by swelling her head and catering to this self centered ego that she is getting.  

I always think of the quote "If you only water one plant you dont allow the other plants to grow" That is how I feel sometimes. That my SO only waters her. He will never see that but its hard to feel like your living in a shadow. I feel for my SS and how he must feel. My SO builds me up and treats me fantastic. That is not the issue at all. I am very happy in my relationship. I just am trying to sort through all these emotions regarding my stepkids. If I have learned anything thus far it is that being a blended is not easy sometimes and there are a lot of emotions and feelings that I did not anticiapate. I think that our relationship is worth every struggle we may face and I am praying for God's guidence on how to handle these feelings as well.

I just want to like the people that my stepkids become. I just dont know how to do that exactly. Its a work in progress. I might just have to accept the fact that my SD will be who she is going to be and theres not a whole lot that I can do about it. I cant make my SO see what I see and the areas that I feel need to change. All it does is create tension in my relationship. Should I just keep quiet and let it go? Should I just ignore it all and try to sort out my own issues that might be causing me to feel some resentment or jealousy? I really dont even know how to go about doing that but I know there is a lot of things that I need to work on within myself as well. My hyperfocusing for one. My coping skills and ability to handle my own emotions and feelings in a healthy way. Any advice on how to do those things would be greatly appreciated. I know that this wont always be so difficult and one day it will seem silly that I was even struggling with this stuff but right now it is hard and I am struggling. I think that is the first step into fixing the issue is realizing that there is one. Thank you all for listening. It helps to get it out of my head.