Make it make sense BM

DH gave BM the dates that he would be coming up to visit his son this summer. Apparently a few weeks back BM asked DH for his dates but DH did not have them yet so he told her; he did not know when yet. DH also though that there was no rush to give the dates because usually BM's mom keeps him for the summer so it is never a problem. I am not sure what has happened and BM hasn't said but it seems like BM is also looking after her nieces which BM's mom has custody of. She did not tell DH any of that when she asked for his dates. If she had he would have organised the dates earlier.

Fast forward to yesterday, BM tells DH that he is doing tutoring and camp this summer and she has already book and paid for them. This means that DH can only get his son from 1pm - 8pm on the days he has tutoring and 3pm-8pm on the days he has camp. DH asked if he can take his son for the entire time he visits and have him overnight. He also offered to keep his son's camp and tutoring obligations. BM said no because she needs to keep track of all of the kids and their schedule while she is working and how it will be so difficult for her to keep track of the kids as it is so she needs DH to just follow the schedule. DH has even asked if he could reimburse her for the camp and tutoring for the days he would be there and take his son at the usual hours. BM again said no because the schedule helps her keep track of where everyone is. To me and DH it would be way easier to keep track of the son if he just stayed with his dad while his dad is there to visit rather than have such a moving part schedule. I mean which schedule sounds less complicated?

mrs_belle's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

is it his court ordered

is it his court ordered vististation time? if so then she doesn't get to decide what to do on his time. If he's supposed to have him overnights the whole time... she can go bite soap bubbles.

When she won't even allow the

When she won't even allow the boy's father to have overnight visitaion.. I'm not sure if you can really expect anything different from her. She is basically a single parent with her son.. your DH made a child in a country where he has little to no possibility of living.. then he complicated things by having a child with you.. so he can't move now really.. or he has to choose which child to live near.

Maybe BM is concerned he would take her son if he has too much rope?

This is a common tactic, BM

This is a common tactic, BM did it to my DH too. She would plan something for SD every day for the summer so she was too busy to see him. She wanted to see him (back then) and BM guilt tripped her about missing activities so SD would feel like she couldn't.

The difference is BM let DH help pay for the stuff, he ended up paying for the reasons he couldn't see SD.

To be fair, June is too late to be planning summer visitation. Your husband needs to get ahead of it and ask in March BEFORE BM plans anything. Ask the kid what they want to do and get them involved in planning. If the kid is excited about something already it becomes harder for BM to plan over it.

It's no guarantee because when my DH did that BM wouldn't give an answer because she hadn't planned anything yet. So she went ahead and planned things then got back to him and said there was no time.

How old is the boy?

Unless your DH makes an

Unless your DH makes an effort to get an official custody order with set visitation rights...there is no point in you or he turning yourselves inside out. His mom has ultimate control and is unwilling to voluntarily give your DH any kind of reasonable access to his son.. this wouldn't change if you moved there.. without a custody order.

Your DH did make a small error in not establishing when he wanted to have time.. and in the US.. summer vacation is May through august (give or take) so BM had to make child care plans for him.. and perhaps could not pick and choose some dates or others.

This begging for scraps won't change unless your DH gets an official order for some custody tiime with his child. It should have the ability for him to have his child overnight.. it should have some time that the child could travel to your home to have visitation with his dad's family too.

At the minimum.. your DH should have the ability to have his son stay with him while he is visiting the US. That should be a stepping stone to having the child fly to see him at your home.. maybe for a short week or two to start.. but in time.. he could spend maybe a month over summer.. and a week once or twice another time during the year. He should have rights to regular phone calls with his child.. at least once a week. all this should be legally set out.

DH assumed MIL would be

DH assumed MIL would be watching his son so he could wait to decide. But, assuming often means you are wrong, and that's what happened here.

BM did reach out to DH and ask about dates. Reasonably priced camps book up early. If BM had waited to book the spots most likely would not be available later.

DH has had a painful lesson. He needs to get his plans in order early.

Usually this is how they

Usually this is how they schedule DH's visits. It was never a problem until this year. I do not know if it is too much to ask BM to communicate if there needs to be a change. She obviously knew the status quo would not work this summer. Perhaps if she were more transparent we could come up with a plan together to solve this. But BM would rather martyr in single motherhood than communicate.

It is not court ordered visitation. However, DH has spoken to lawyer but he hasn't initiated anything. Asking BM politely hasn't been working. I don't know if DH will run out of excuses for BM and actually try something new though.

The longer he waits.. the

The longer he waits.. the longer it will appear to the courts that time with his son didn't matter.. and the less likely he is to get much.

I think you have to be fair here and understand that while you may call it "BM martyr".. she is in reality the only involved parent.. sure.. her mom helps and it sounds like your DH pays some amount of support.. but she is likely the one "on duty" 24/7.. doing almost all of the parenting.. save for a bit of time her mom pitches in. She doesn't trust your DH with her son.. I don't know the extent of their relationship when she got pregnant.. but he apparently had to leave and he has moved on and started a family with you.. and he is not available to help parent his son.. logistically that has been impossible.

Maybe if he got a court order where his son could come visit.. he would be more like an actual parent.. right now.. he is "fun uncle" at best.

If BM had said, "Hey what

If BM had said, "Hey what are the dates you are coming? My mom is not going to be able to babysit." DH would have attempted to book his flight as soon as. He would not have left it untill now. DH wasn't being dismissive to her or anything like that. He only gets to see his son less than 20 days for the year at best I think a little accomodation is not outrageous especially when he is offering to pay her so that the she would be whole financially for anything their son missed.

From BM's pov

I am the "sole" parent of my son 345 days a year... his dad drops in maybe 20 days..

I asked him weeks ago for his summer plans and he couldn't get back to me in a reasonable time period and I'm not going to chase him down over this.. I'm making the plans that work for ME and my mom and my son.. if it was so important, BD would have gotten back to me more quickly instead of waiting until summer started.

I don't feel like upsetting the schedule for his absentee father.. it's hard enough for me as it is.. it's not about the money.

BUT..

Yes.. I get your husband is torn.. wants a relationship with his son, but it's hard. Unfortunately, without a legal court order he is 100% at her mercy as to what time he gets.. and how it's exercised. I do think, personally, it would benefit for your husband to have more solo time with his son.. overnights.. actually being a caregiver vs a "babysitter" for a few days... visits to your home where a bond could be built not only with his dad.. but with you and his half sibling too.. but he needs to seek out that legal paperwork.. though I understand it may not be easy or cheap.. and that may put it out of reach.. which means he will continue to be in this situation.

There is no need to punish DH

There is no need to punish DH. This could have been avoided by BM simply communicating; which she absolutely refuses to do. She expects you to read her mind and intentions and act accordingly. It does not make or break the schedule if he misses camp a couple days. I am sure kids do not attend every single day of camp for a variety of reasons.

You are here

Comments