Do something, even if you do it wrong.
While do nothing is always an option, doing nothing is nearly entirely ineffective for making change or improving.
While I understand the difficulties in confronting unpleasant situations and upleasant people, rarely does addressing a problem turn out to be as unpleasant as we often build it up to be before we actually confront upleasant situations and unpleasant people. This has held true for me my entire life, and it tends to hold true for my DW.
I am extremely uncomfortable with confronting anyone though I have learned to not avoid it when I deem it to be necessary. My build up is extremely stressful, I start to see elevated blood pressure, vision changes, headaches, etc.. So I no longer allow buildup. I address the issue in as near real time as I can.
As SParents I believe we see significantly more stressful issues than the non SParent world. Issues that should be addressed affirmatively and as immediately as possible. Doing nothing far more likely than not just exacerabates the problem and allows the perpetrator to continue the behaviors that cause the stressful situation to begin with. Confrontation of these situations certainly tends to reduce the overall tenstions. They more notably reduce the tenstions for the SParent. Conversely, they increase the tensions on the perpetrator. Which if someone has to be tense, it should be the perpetrator. Regardless of what influencing factors may be in play.
IMHO of course.
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Comments
Hmmm...
Only problem is, here in Stepland, whatever we do is wrong. And, if by some cosmic chance, we do anything right, why didn't we do more? And, why didn't we do it earlier?
Sad but true.
Though the poor parenting that is overwhelmingly the root cause will remain.... the root cause and the perpetrating parent and perpetrating SKid(s) will be the ones to suffer the affirmative action and zero tolerance by the SParent.
Hopefully anyway.
I Learned This The Hard Way
Put up with toxic treatment for 12 years from horrid SKs and my non-confrontational DH. I expected HIM to handle his crazy kids. He did the best he could with his temperament and skills but it was no where near good enough. I was seriously "ill" for 2 years and spent the next 2 years healing emotionally.
Today, I'm thriving...not fully healed but 90%. I haven't seen DHs kids in over 4 years but recently allowed the youngest to visit DH is our marital home (a boundary set in counseling was that DH saw his kids outside our marital home). While I did NOT interact with him, the time will come. And I know it will come for DHs other kids. The difference? I'll do EXACTLY what you said. Straight up confront any of the BS behavior they try to repeat from the past. I will NOT tolerate that shit in my life anymore. While DH has done better as time has passed (he's been in counseling, too), I will never depend or expect him to confront issues that directly affect me. That's MY job and I WILL do it this time.
Thank you for posting your thoughts. I need to stay focused on exactly what you said.
Applause!!!
Exhibit A: In my divorce I recently had to retain a forensic accountant to do a formal valuation of my various retirement accounts so my attorney can prepare a settlement proposal for the thir$ty midlife crisis manbaby parasite known as STBXH. Had I taken Rags suggested immediate action plan (instead of living paralyzed as a stunned deer-in-headlights a few years ago when STBXH revealed who he REALLY is), I'd have avoided this incredibly stre$$ful scenario and gained my freedom ... not to mention kept my retirement moneys safe.
Great blog post Rags, thank you!
Glad I could help.
I am happy that your moving on. Good luck with the settlement.
A balance ...
I feel in my situation that I am always walking the line between doing something and doing nothing:
1. Ask SD16 B/M to do some dishes. B/M does some dishes and then doesnt do pans. I then do pans.
2. Ask Husband to please give SD16 B/M (who is on week #3 of visition because (COVID) some actual chores to help out such as maybe water some plants or dust furniture or something...nothing happens, except eyeroll. I then say nothing additional, but I DO text SD B/M to please take care of dog waste, her ONE consistent chore.
3. Watch as SD16 B/M dawdles her way through summer school (1 class) logging in 1 hour daily when there are no time requirements and she could be finished by now. Tell Husband that I can set him up with the tool so he doesnt get surprise texts and that "she could easily be done this week, if she doubled up on her time spent daily...". I suspect its to avoid a summer job. And also suspect her online permit class has fallen by the wayside as well...
4. I did respond to Feral Forger SD23 nasty text (from last year...I know, backbones take time) the other day, and told her she needs to go live her life and stop blaming everyone else for her problems and stop sucking everyone else dry...felt great! Then re-blocked.
As the countdown comes closer for SD B/M (1 year and 11 months), I have started thinking about all the different ways she needs to get prepared for life, isnt, and how I am going to prepare for whatever failure to launch is going to happen...
Last night I had one of these
Last night I had one of these moments where I knew I had to say something or it would bother me all night. SD10 was playing in our living room last night and had toys everywhere. SO was helping (doing it for her. don't get me started on that...) SD clean up and SD started yelling at him, across the house, "be careful where you put that!" I was a few feet away in our kitchen and calmly said, "Hey, if you want something put away a certain way then maybe you should do it instead of dad. They are your toys." She didn't say anything to me, she just kind of stared at her toys and thought about it. Then she got up and started helping him. I hate listening to SD boss SO around like that and I don't stand for it in my house. I won't do it. I'm glad I said something. I agree, in general, that saying something is better than nothing at all. Especially if what's going on is bothering you. And if you don't feel comfortable to say it in the moment, take a second and think about how you want to react and then go from there.
"You're disrespecting adults
"You're disrespecting adults in this house. If you can't clean up your own toys, maybe I should give them away."