Need a pep talk for upcoming 9 day family vacay!
So, we have an amazing vacation coming up that I'm super excited about, but can't help but be nervous and apprehensive at the same time. Blended with 3 teenagers who never really blended. They don't argue much, but they're just kind of "blah" about being around each other. It can get uncomfortable at times. Then there's the miniwife issue with my 16 yr old stepdaughter. We get along pretty good now, but her and my husband still act like a couple IMO, and she is demanding of his attention. My husband does "try" to be aware of this, but it still seems to happen somehow. So, of course I'm worried that I'm gonna be a 3rd wheel the whole time. And sometimes my stepson and stepdaughter kind of leave my daughter out and then she feels awkward. I really want this to be a good memory for our family, but I have a hard time not showing my emotions when I'm upset or disappointed. It's kind of written all over my face. Any advice on how I can keep my emotions in check, keep the awkwardness to a minimum, and help my daughter and myself not feel out of place?? Really any advice or encouraging words would be so very appreciated. I get more apprehensive as the day we leave comes closer.
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Set clear standards of how it
Set clear standards of how it will work. They are teens. If they don't go, so be it.
Semi adults need to be treated as the adults they think they are. Including consequences.
I hope it goes well.
Good luck.
You could take this post,
You could take this post, make each (valid) issue you listed a bullet point, and sit down with your H to go over it. Share your concerns, ask for his help, and hammer out a plan. It really helps to foster a team approach.
Each of you should have a talk with your respective bio(s) BEFORE going to lay out your expectations. It also helps to build some time during the vacation for each parent to have a bit of time with their own kid(s), and time as adults as well. You also need to have respite - a little time alone. A bath, a glass of wine alone at the hotel bar, an excursion the rest of the family isn't interested in, whatever. Just make some time to decompress.
And lastly because I'm jaded, you need to have a Plan B for what to do if it all goes to poop. Say the skids gang up on your daughter, or the situation becomes untenable - what will you do? Having a plan (get a different room, fly home etc) Helps take the stress off.
I second the bulleted list
I second the bulleted list, especially for mini-wife behaviour that he might not recognize as such. For instance, he is to ask you first if a decision is to be made about a destination, restaurant, etc., or sitting next to you/facing you (depending on your preference) in restaurants and not where his daughter wants him to sit, and so on.
Amazing vacation
Thats how you started your blog. I love an optimist SM who tries I really do but....
How will it be amazing with a mini wife and two steppy poohs making you and your DD feel left out. Sorry m'aam I am jaded. But as the brilliant exjulie above stated you need to lay out expectations. More for yourself cause in stepworld its rarely follwed with a mini wife involved.
If things go south take off with your daughter and do fun stuff. I feel bad for her this cant be good for her self esteem in any way. Or good for you either.
Best of luck and blessings
Is it really amazing? And are
Is it really amazing? And are you really super excited? Or are you trying to convince yourself to feel things you think you should feel? And, yes, I am totally jaded as well. Nine days with my adult skids would be torture. (But I hope you are truly excited.)
Definitely have a plan. Don't expect to do "family" things all the time. Teenagers will not become insta-family and create wonderful memories. Do some things, maybe lots of things, separately.
Have a code word for your DH when the miniwife behavior is getting too much. He might "try" to see it, but his path of least resistance is to just allow it, so he has to know when you've had enough.
The moment sd’s set foot in our car, the vibe and mood
Went negative ++.
it continually went downhill from there that by the time we got to our destination, I didn't want to be there. By the 3rd trip i put my foot down and said no more
She doesn’t give me much of an attitude.
It's more that her and my husband kind of "pair off", and I end up feeling left out. He tries to be aware of it, I know he does cause I see him purposely coming back to me and trying to get me involved. But, it's like this whole habit they've been in for years, and it just seems to happen. We've done vacations before and there was only one that I didn't get upset at least once, lol, but we had a buffer cause my parents were with us. This is a looooonnnggg trip, though.
I made it very clear to my husband that meet ups and vacay
With skids especially sd's was something i never looked forward to. The answering back, miniwives behaviour, acting like they had authority over me regarding the parenting of our kids when they'd only been around our kids 2-3 times in their whole lives (my kids are now 5 & 6), thr non stop rants of biomum and stepdad making them central to our conversation and just watching the uncomfortable talks sd's had with their own brother was dysfunctional
i and my kids felt like a third wheel and it wasn't till we didn't go on one outing, that hubby realised it that skids pretended nothing was wrong and played a big fake happy family and it upset hubby alot because he just wanted us to get along
my husband yrs ago made it clear that skids were destroying relationships that were beneficial to them because by their own admission biomum abandoned them for their stepdad and they're on their own but they're not pleasant enough to be around us and hubby wasn't gonna sabotage our outings and vacay with their appalling behaviour
ss has showed some improvement and playing/interacting with our 2 kids but sd's they made it clear 3 yrs ago that they despise our existence.
apparently when they ceased contact with My husband for 5 yrs plus, he was meant to put his life on hold and not marry or have kids with me. Sd's hate the fact hubby is nurturing and has a stronger better relationship with our 2 kids vs them but when you've made up lies about your dad, manipulated and guilted him, its not rocket science about your behaviour.
make skids aware what basic behaviours and inclusion you expect of them and chores etc. if they do not behave accordingly, oh well, no more vacays. Thats how its been for skids
ideally you should try to
ideally you should try to schedule things out a bit. Make sure you and your DH have some time for JUST you two to do something every day.. perhaps it's happy hour and an occasional "date" dinner.
Also plan a day or two with you each pairing off with your own respective kids.. plan a day or two where it is as a family.. and a few days of less structure?
I might not try to force the "family" aspect of it but do things together when convenient and practical.
and.. you can have a few hip pocket ideas to go do things that are a special treat with your daughter if his kids get too exclusive.
*Family Trip
I definitly don't consider this a vacation- these are family trips. Big difference, because there is ALWAYS stress and frustation with skid trips.
Much of mine is similar, skids jockey for position next to DH so I'm trailing behind. I have had the talk with him about it, and he makes a concerted effort to wait for me (I'm not slow, I just am not going to run and shove skids aside to be next to him) so I'm next to him. He needs reminders on occasion, and on our trip in May it was so bad I almost snapped and finally told him I was sick of trailing behind by myself- from then on it changed.
Definitely talk to him before if possible, and especially on the trip if him and SD are coupling up. Set expectations low for how amazing this trip will actually be.... and make sure you have alone time! DH and I went out on the deck every afternoon on our trip while skids stayed inside on their phones (even though it was beautiful out.....), and that was a lifesaver. I did talk to him ahead of time about my fears that 6 days was too much time together, and he said we could go get drinks or something on our own if we wanted since skids are old enough to stay at the airbnb by themselves. It was a huge relief, but the deck time proved to be enough.
Lol. Even when there is only one of them.
SS-29 is an only child in our family. Even as an only child he could be challenging on family vacations when it was only the three of us. Not when he was young, but in preteens and older.
As a toddler and young single digits aged kid he was all curious and engaged. Road trips with him were an absolute blast though there a few times when he was not to happy with his mom and I. Usually for things like rolling his fingers up in the car window. That was when he was a couple of months past 2yo when we were moving from CA to TX and made a road trip out of it. Not on purpose of course, he was seated in the middle of the back seat in his double armored paranoid mom kid seat and leaning over sticking his fingers out of the window. I did not see him doing it and it started snowing so I closed the window gap. We still laugh about that one.
Pre-teen and on we would have some periods of sullenness out of him that could last some number of days even on a trip. Then something would wake him up and he was all energetically engaged. It is kind of hard for him to stay in his brooding state mind while standing on the edge of the N. Rim of the Grand Canyon, or at Crater Lake, Big Bend, Carlsbad, etc.... Usually his post visitation behavioral detox would last about 10-14 days when he came directly home from visitation. On a trip, it was 2-3 days.
Usually these trips followed a SpermClan visitation and we would incorporate picking him up from visitation with a trip. So we all three were usually dealing with his post SpermClan visitation behavioral detox period.
My SS14 attempts to act like
My SS14 attempts to act like a mini wife to DH- he will try to get DH to make plans with him so that they tell me what's happening after. Nope. I said unless I'm part of the planning (discussions happen behind closed doors without the listening ears of kids) then assume that my participation will be an automatic 'no'. It only happened a handful of times before DH changed his approach real quick. In public I'd say, "I'm sorry did we discuss this or did you discuss this with SD? Oh you two decided? Okay you two can enjoy I'll be off doing XYZ with BD. Have fun!"
I can relate
I am currently on a vacation with my H, SS and my three kids. The kids aren't really my issue, it's my husband. No matter what happens, he needs to make an issue out of something. He goes out of his way to be an ass to my kids and then gets put out when they don't want to be around him. He wants to go out and do things with his son and me, not including my kids. Or, he wants just him and I to do things. It's as though he is always making me choose between my kids and him. So frustrating!