Need your thoughts on our situation
Hey all, I wanted your thoughts on my situation. I disengaged from my SD7 one year ago about. It has gone so so. My husband begrudges me for it and still asks/expects me to do for her and him. I cook meals for everyone, I clean, I generally parent her and stuff but I make it a point that he has to drive her places, be here when she is here, etc. type stuff. He now calls himself a single dad during the weeks we have her because I've put him out so. We just had a baby 9 weeks ago and we mutually agreed I would stay home and he would work. It was a tough decision but ultimately what we both wanted for now financially and for our baby. He has always worked in construction and just started his own business last year. One of the hardest things for me with disengagement is that because I have disengaged he says he HAS to work more on the weeks we do not have SD7, because I put him in the position where he has to do more for her (basically drive her to and from school, and be around at night and weekends). And then He unfortunately did not set up any camps or anything for her to do this summer so now he has to just take days and days off during the week and work on the weekends when it's just me and our kids. Of course, I would have had the foresight to plan camps for her, but I didn't because I'm disengaged. He doesn't and never will. And I have to pay the price because I'm disengaged. At this point I'm wondering and want to know your thoughts on the pros cons of these types of situations... or maybe just the realities.
after a year of disengagement I'm seeing that while I do like not having to deal with LOTS of stuff that has to do with SD7 and think it's best long term for our relationship and am glad that DH had had to step up to raising her more, I would prefer to be in control of planning her life at our home at least, because my DH still cannot plan, and it negatively impacts me and my kids. He doesn't see them, the only family time we get is when SD7 is around.
I've told him he needs to be around for the kids and me all the time and he acts like he is there for them enough. And maybe it is enough. But I am sad every weekend he spends working and not with my 2 year old and baby and then is around for SD7... all my fault according to him. I'd say it's all his fault for not having a better plan for this summer in general, and for help with his child.
what would you all do? Keep waiting for your DH to step up? Start planning stuff even though you're disengaged? Like I said, I don't have a bad relationship with SD7, I just had to set a boundary last year when I told DH he needed to step back up and start doing everything I had been doing.
It might be a good time to
It might be a good time to renegotiate but do not let him dump it all on you. This past year should have been an eye opener for him how much energy it takes to parent. I would recommend you take some time, make some notes about what you could do to make life more bearable for yourself and a list of things you refuse to do. It also might be a good idea to come to the agreement about what's most important for your family AND your relationship/marriage. Everything should support that. You would do this in counseling but it doesn't look like you'd have time for that.
So, farm the Skid out to day camp.
You can do that and remain disengaged. That allows DH to work during the weeks when SD is on visitation with DH and ... preserves his time for you and tour joint child on the Skid free weeks.
If DH will not deal with the care and feeding of his failed family progey, you do it. In ways that accomplish your objective. Do not let DH manipulate around costing you and your child time with your husband and the baby's father.
Yeah, by the time he asked me
Yeah, by the time he asked me to do it there were none left open for the summer. I'm going to do it in March next year!
Your DH sounds manipulative
Your DH sounds manipulative and also as if he has "learned helplessness" when it comes to his child. If he can run a business, he can make camp plans for his child. If you have an infant there is no reason why he can't parent his own child. He shouldn't expect you to just take over his responsibilities.
Yeah it's something like that
Yeah it's something like that... I expect he can do a lot more than he can and idk if my expectations are too high or what. But that's why I'm asking. There is some stuff that I'm like "if I just do that it will make MY life easier" aka camp planning.
"my DH still cannot plan"
That's not some sort of congenital defect, is it? It's something he MUST learn to do better. Too many men do things badly so they aren't asked again. It's laziness.
Call him OUT on that shit! He
Call him OUT on that shit! He can run a business so he can parent! Tell him!
Ask him what he would do if
Ask him what he would do if you weren't there.
To be honest.. if she were
To be honest.. if she were not there.. along with a new baby and she says "kids".. so I'm assuming she has kids of her own possibly? He would likely have the financial resources to pay for child care.
I don't know the reason for the disengagement from his child. I do think it's important to expect a parent to spend time with their child.. and not dump all the responsibility on one person.. especially a non-bio parent.
BUT.. at this point.. she has "dumped" all the financial responsibility in the household on HIM.. that means I think she needs to step up and pick up more responsibility when it comes to some of the logistical issues with his child.
There is no way that he should be taking off work (as the only income earner).. during the work week when he has the child when she is already at home.. he should absolutely pick up and care for his kid when he gets home after work.. and possibly arrange work so it's not as late nights etc.. during his child's week with him.. but asking him to provide sole financial responsibility for the home.. but not giving him any relief on the child care for his child? I think that's asking too much from him.
Now.. there may be some extenuating reasons but a 7 yo seems to be an age where it should be manageable unless the child has issues that are so serious they require therapy.. and they are a danger to themselves or others.
With no context for the disengagement (and I hope OP didn't tell her DH that is what she was doing.. because simply asking him to manage his kid's needs when she is doing the same for her kids should not be so onerous).. BUT.. now that she is asking him to pay all the bills.. I think it merits more consideration that he is doing more for her kids now.. that she could do more for his.. at least during his work hours.. and not expect him to cut those because of some line she wants to draw in the sand.
Because the next straw is.. you go back to work if that's your attitude.
Is your SD particularly needy
Is your SD particularly needy or bad behaved? I ask that because requiring that your H be present anytime she's there seems excessive if she's not, particularly if your H is unable to work on days she's with you. Do you think he's trying to manipulate you, or was his failure to put her in camp or otherwise make arrangements for her just bad planning?
I am a SAHM, and do everything for two SDs when DH is at work, but that was our agreement up front - our family couldn't afford childcare for the SDs on one income, so if I was to stay home with DD2, I'd have to also handle the SDs. It sounds like that wasn't your arrangement, but what you're doing isn't working for you, so maybe it's time to negotiate different parameters (at least if SD is a decent kid and you don't think your H is doing this to manipulate you).
I read her other blog post
I read her other blog post and it doesn't sound like his daughter is a particular behavior issue.. but she mentions she is "sensitive".. and there are some whifs of her DH making her a mini-wife .. relying on his child for emotional support (of a 6/7 yo.. at that?!!!)
I honestly don't think it's a reasonable ask to want to stay home and "only" watch your own children when he has an obligation to have his child every other week.. and that means he is cutting his work short on those weeks since she insists that he do all the "heavy lifting" when it comes to his child.. unless it's a joint activity like a family meal.
I can def see that he could be torn.. he is trying to financially support all his kids AND his wife.. and he has no one who will help him with drop offs at school etc. since his wife insists that he does that.. not her.. so he can't work his "normal" day.. so he makes up for it the week he doesn't have his child.. which cuts his other kids short those weeks.. and they have to share his attention the week SD is there.. plus he has to drive her places.. making him absent those times too.
And.. summer camps cost money.. maybe he doesn't have it because he is wholly supporting the family?
It seems like a better approach would be for OP to relax her stance on watching the SD if it meant a more balanced amount of her DH's time could be spent with all his kids.. and her. After all.. he is making sure they all have what they need.. it seems logical for her to help him in ways that she can.. since she isn't contributing financially at the moment. and I'm not saying that being a sahm is not adding value.. just that doing it for only "some" of the children in the home.. well.. it makes part of the reason for having that arrangement not work the way it normally would.
I can see this side of things
I can see this side of things, he definitely expects me to do more, but did not communicate it until after I was already home with the kids, I may have just gone back to work if I knew I would be watching all 3 all summer. But it is certainly an amplified problem in the summer. In the school year we have her at school and after school care so it is much less of an issue all around. She is not particularly a problem. The kids fight (normal, I think) and I try my best and not let it bother me, but I'm not going to lie things are obviously easier when she is not here.
For just the summer I have
For just the summer I have told him I'm willing to do a bit of care during the days when he needs, like half a day here and there, and trust me, I have done more than that.
He may have naturally
He may have naturally assumed that if you were to stay home.. and he provided all financial support for the home.. that you might step up to help him more with his child since it would cost money to alternately ahve his child cared for by someone else.. or the opportunity cost of him not working so he could do it.
If you are not up to caring for all the kids during his work obliation hours/days.. then it probably would be best if you reconsidered your decision to stay at home. Alternately, you and he could share the cost of childcare for your two joint children and he could also cover his own childs.. that still may not entirely solve the issue he may have with spending more time with his child when it is his custody time though... but in your situation.. you may need to figure out what is most important?
Do you want to be home with your kids while they are young? maybe the balance there is you agree to help out with his daughter if he commits to being a more present father for all his kids.
Or.. if you don't want to care for his child.. then you would go to work.. but with both of you working.. he would also have to help with your two kids as he does with his child.. perhaps you do the heavy lifting with your kids during her week (since he has driving obligatiosn).. and then he does it for his kids when SD isn't there at least a few of the days?
You can still be disengage
And plan for SD camp. Knowing she needs a summer camp and this has to be done in March. Or plan for others times and other things. Setting up summer, Christmas break, mid winter break, Easter break for SD That still disengaging for your benefit
Thanks! I'm in agreement! And
Thanks! I'm in agreement! And I'm going to work harder at doing it from now on rather than thinking my DH will ever get it done (he won't)
Being a SAHM starts and stops
Being a SAHM starts and stops at the same time your DH is working. If he leaves at 7:00AM and gets home at 5:00PM, then those are your working hours, too. Before and after those times is joint parenting of your mutual kids and solo parenting for him of his daughter (because yes, he IS a single parent to her and has been since the day he and her mother split up).
Does he actually NEED to work every weekend that SD isn't there or does he just CHOOSE to as a way of keeping you in line? If he NEEDS to in order for you all to stay afloat, then you both may need to re-evaluate your work situation. Could be that, in exchange for weekends, you work a few evenings or mornings during the week when he is off. That way you aren't putting out for daycare and you get a whole weekend with the kids and your DH. Plus, by working weeknights, you're both equitably contributing to both income and household/parenting duties - no one is getting "time off" more than the other.
If he is doing this all to keep you in line and try to force you to take on more, call him on it and tell him to cut the crap:
"DH, enough of this. SD is your daughter and your responsiblity. You have three children you need to take care of, and that includes figuring out childcare and camps for SD when she is here. I have no authority over SD, so I won't be put in a position of having responsibility over her. You have access to Google and a phone. You know how the credit card works and how to schedule appointments on your own. You don't NEED me to take care of SD, you just want me to make it easier on you. No. This is YOUR problem to figure out, just like I figure out our groceries and meal prep for the WHOLE family - including SD - and do ALL the house cleaning - including for SD - and do ALL the laundry - including for SD. The only things you are SOLELY responsible for when it comes to YOUR daughter is transportation and childcare. Everything else I handle as part of my job as the keeper of the home. Now, if this arrangement isn't working for you because you feel you work too much and we don't have enough money, then I'll start working nights and you can take over SAHP duties while I work. That frees up your weekends and we both get to be home with the kids. So choose: either get it together for SD and stop blaming me OR I'll make the decision for us and I'll go back to work so you can work less. But either way, you're still responsible for SD."
I do kind of feel that in the
I do kind of feel that in the vein of 7 to 5 being his working hours.. and those are hers.. that she could do driving for his daughter and if it's a financial affordability issue to send her to camps during the summer. she might seriously consider that she watch the child herself.
The alternative about her working evenings to trade off with her DH so there is more money available.. kind of defeats the purpose I think she wants more time with her DH and kids together... so her working and him caring for the kids in the evening.. wouldn't be the optimal solution.
She could of course.. go to work FT.. and they would get child care.. but then she does lose the benefit of being home with her very young kids..
all in all.. it seems like the best solution is to just consider the SAHM job as including watching her SD every other week.. and perhaps that would mean her DH wouldn't have to work weekends as often to make up for time he loses during the week trying to care for his SD as well.
As long as he supports his wife and his daughter is not a danger or extreme behavioral issue.. (which it doesn't seem that it is..).. I think that would be a fair trade off.. watch his child some.. while she gets to stay home and enjoy her own kids full time.
they could of course look into summer activities for SD.. even now.. maybe a VBS or something would still have openeings?
If OP is going to babysit SD,
If OP is going to babysit SD, then I think one of two (or both) things should happen:
1.) DH pays OP some amount of money that goes into a non-communal fund. Doesn't have to be the same as daycare or camp, but *something* that is OP's only.
2.) OP sets strict babysitting hours, and she ONLY acts as babysitter. DH HAS to be home at 5:00PM (or whatever time they agree to). If he needs to run errands, he either arranges that with OP beforehand OR he comes home and takes SD (and perhaps the other kids) with him.
I used to be on Team SAHP Watches the SKs, but I think it ends up being too easily abused. Same goes even with BKs. There has to be boundaries, and OP's DH needs to adhere to those boundaries. If SD has a doctor's appointment, DH needs to take the time off to take her. If SD needs someone to take her to buy new clothes, DH needs to take her. If a daycare wouldn't do it, then OP doesn't need to do it. It's only a fair trade-off if OP's DH comes home and parents SD, which would still include finding fun summer programs for SD.
OP - do you think you and your DH could compromise and set a schedule where you babysit - and I do mean only babysit - SD during set hours? He would still need to discipline her, help her with homework, take her to appointments, etc. But you'd take her to school, make sure she eats during the day, and is safe? He would HAVE to agree (and stick to) a schedule during the week and stop working EOWE.
If he won't do that, then he needs to quit complaining and parent his kid. He decided he wanted three kids, and one of those kids with someone else. If he can't make EOW work, then he needs to give up some of his custody time (harsh, but the unfortunate reality of many divorced/single parents).
For number 1. I kind of feel
For number 1. I kind of feel like the fact that he is paying 100% of her cost to live.. needs and wants.. and 100% of their shared children's needs and wants.. that he already IS paying her more than just the alternate cost of child care. I'm not saying that she should not have access to some of her own discretionary spending though.. but as long as the childcare is being framed and limited to the hours he is working (and not bleeding over into saturday golf games and sunday's with the boys watching FBall)..
So.. even a SAHP should have access to funds.. to buy things they want and need (within reason).. just like the person who works outside the home.. being a SAHP doesn't totally mean you give up your ability to make financial decisions in the home. and that could mean prioritizing finding summer camps for the older child so that her days are not as complicated during the summer months.. but as her own kids get older.. it could be expensive when they all three are wanting to do that.
And.. of course.. the child is there for visitation to see their bio parent.. and that probably means that during those days the bio parent will spend more of their after work time focusing a bit more on that child than the other two.. since they should have "equal" time when that child is not in the home and they can focus more on the others.. not ignoring any during skid visitation.. but definitely being a "present" parent during that time. the age difference in the kids is also likely to make a difference in the kind of interraction.. and a 12 yo isn't going to be as interested in baby/toddler things and vice versa.. it's up to him to balance it all.. and that's not easy either.
And you are correct that even though she is the primary caregiver.. there will still be times "occasionally" where her DH should be taking off to help with Dr's appts etc.. and as the kids get older there may be more conflicts with different activities.. and they need to be able to coordinate with both of them sometimes.. it's just not her cross to bear only.
HIS child too
You're assuming that SHE decided it was best for their child that she stay home. If they decided as a mutual team that they wanted the infant to be at home with a parent, and then decided that she was that parent, then that is all it takes to balance off the "he pays for 100% of her life". Because if he said he wants her home with their child, then she doesn't have the option to pay for anyone else. If they agreed at the start that in return for her staying home she would take care of all the kids and he would take care of all the bills, then that's the agreement. But it sounds like she thought it was option #1 and he thought it was option #2 and there's a problem.
In my world, yes - if you're staying at home and someone else is paying all your bills, then you're a home maker. Of all the children, and the household tasks (cooking, cleaning) that can be done around those children. I actually think he's made a good choice. If he has to divide his time between home and work then he's home when everyone is home, and at work when SD is not. It's fair. Either everyone gets him, and he gets everyone - or everyone shares. The part I find selfish here is that OP wants to stay home, choose NOT to care for SD, and then demand time for JUST her and her kids, excluding SD. That goes beyond what is "fair" and moves into the wold of excluding SD.
None of it will ever be
None of it will ever be completely fair. Our lives are not fair. I do not want to intentionally exclude SD. I am saying that because of DH poor planning (the summer camp issue for example) he is forced to work on weekends when we do not have SD. I feel me and my kids miss out on him, and yes, I do not like it.
Another issue I have is just this week, for example, DH discovered a concert he wanted to go to and may have his SD stay with his very sick parents for the night so he can go - the same parents he won't let watch her during the day when he could work because they are so sick. Seems like when he wants something he can get it figured out, no?!
Wait, he has three kids, not
Wait, he has three kids, not one. Did he ask you before going to this concert if you were okay with staying home with the kids while he went out? Especially a newborn and toddler?! I'm not saying you both don't deserve a night out here and there, but it would make me royally bitter that he has time to plan "fun things" but no time to plan the parenting things. And my guess is that this is a pattern and that's why you're annoyed. Does he plan dates for the two of you, too?
I'd approach it like this: "So what's the plan for the other two kids, since I assume you want me to come with you since you didn't talk to me about whether I had anything planned that night or was comfortable staying home alone on the weekend with the kids without you. Or was that entirely your plan? I don't mind you going out on your own, but we both need alone time and we both need to communicate that with one another, not just assume that one of us will stay home while the other goes out. That's not fair to either of us."
Honestly, you both are going to have to communicate about boundaries and work through this. My guess is that you feel used (and I can see where that's valid) and he feels stuck (which is either valid because what he thought he was getting doesn't align with reality OR is him throwing a tantrum because he wants to be a "dad" without being tied down to the work that comes along with that outside making income). I do think the simplest solution would be for you to babysit SD during your DH's working hours, with the understanding he stops working weekends and takes over care of SD and splits care of his other kids once he is home. Look at what services daycares provide to kids and lay out that those are the tasks you'll do. If he balks, then you know for certain that is has nothing to do with him feeling overworked or stuck and it's just him trying to game the system.
While I do agree with LD
While I do agree with LD below that you, of course, should have been considered and we are all hoping/assuming.. he wants you to go to that concert with you.. I also do see a difference between a "one off" special event and a more routine solution.
Reading between the lines.. if he feels he has to work on weekends and longer hours to make up for the time lost on the weeks his daughter is there.. I am thinking that there may be a legit financial reason why he did not arrange for his child to be in a camp. Perhaps spending hundreds of dollars a week for the summer was not an option for him.. unless he worked even more. And with a new business.. (and I'v been involved in early stages).. you sometimes just have to work a lot period.. for not much return..
It sounds fair.. that you could provide child care and transportation for all the kids during his "regular work hours"(at least one way.. so he could either start early work.. or work a bit later).. and the agreement should also be that if you are willing to do that.. he will make an effort to not work every weekend she is not there.. at least one weekend free for him to be able to focus on the other two kids too. (and you). It could also be that if you are willing to do that that he will arrange at least a couple weeks during the summer for her to have a summer camp (that you, again, could facilitate transportation to.. at least one way to that camp so that he would not feel as pressed to work as much on those "off SD" weeks.
After work hours.. he should be a present partner for you .. and a parent to all the kids in the home at the time. He doesn't get to just come home and veg out.. he helps watch kids while you cook dinner.. or get things done you want to do. Maybe you each have things you want to do outside those work hours.. together.. and/or apart.. and you work between you to get childcare covered.
And.. you get a sitter a couple times a month for all the kids present in the home (depending on if his daughter is there or not).. for you both to go out and "date".
All this assumes that his daughter is not a behavior problem in any extreme (no kids are perfect).. and that you have the abilitty to parent in the moment while she is at home.. and he backs up your decisions of how things will work with her during the day.
At 12, she should not need an extreme amount of oversight.. and in fact.. could almost be helpful if she was at all inclined and her dad could make it clear his expectation is that she is a courteous and helpful child.. even when he is not there.. and that while he is out.. his wife is the "law".
I mean.. I totally get that he doesn't get to shirk all his responsibilities on his wife.. he is still a father to all the kids.. but also, she is putting her responsibility to provide for herself and kids on him.. so that does bear some reasonable amount of consideration for that.
It may be that his natural assumption was that she could handle "kid" stuff during the day and that included his older child while she was there.. perhaps they need to be more clear.. and if he tells her that he can't afford to cover her costs.. plus put his older child in extra care? then she may need to return to work.. because the agreement isn't going to work the way she wants it to.
I know someone said.. "if she stays home and takes care of just the newborn.. she is basically doing enough".. (paraphrasing).. but the reality is that financially... not everyone can afford to have a spouse stay at home and care for the kids without getting some relief on childcare expenses.. even for kids that are not the bios of their spouses.. so while an agreement can be whatever they decide between them.. he could be at a point where it isn't workable to continue if he has to pay for and arrange alternate care for his 12 yo.. and if OP's line in the sand that she doesn't care for the older girl? well.. then she may need to return to work.. because they don't have a valid contract since they don't agree on the terms.
It's not that one person is right and the other wrong in what they want to happen.. it's that sometimes both people's ideas are not compatible with the other person's.. so figuring out a compromise or calling off the deal is really the only thing that they can do.
I'm a SAHM and disengaged
I'm a SAHM and disengaged from both skids at the moment. DH worked FIFO so he was home when the skids were home, but unfortunately that left him away working when the skids were at Toxic BMs. I saw it as the lesser of two evils. When he was home full time working, I told him it's not working me parenting the skids. So, he changed careers. Now, he's changed career again to be home full time and not work when the skids are here. He had to sacrifice a Saturday on our week and work two whole days when we had the skids to make that happen.
I agreed to picking and dropping them off on that day, as he is earning the money and I will take on that small load to help him. So that's twice a month I have to do school pick ups. I also support him by cleaning their rooms, washing their clothes and linen. He does everything else and I fully focus on DD1. When he gets home from work and the skids are here that day, he cooks and I clean up. When it's just us and the skids aren't here, he works and still cooks sometimes to help me while I do her bedtime routine.
You just need to find that balance. Your DH should never make it 'your fault' for sacrificing his time with you. It's a thing where you need to go back to the drawing board and figure out a way you both feel supported. Good luck, it is possible to be disengaged and feel like your still not missing out. It's just choosing your battles and taking on what you want with your DH support.
If you wait for men to do
If you wait for men to do anything you are going to keep waiting.
If my DH only saw our kids together while SD was around I would be pretty vivid as well. You DH also seems to resent that you are making him parent SD and do the driving for her. He's blaming you for him needing to work more at other times. When men have a stay-at-home wife they tend to start believing that all they need to contribute to their family is the paycheck. I think you are trying to make the case to him that this isn't true but he's not getting it and he's resenting that he has to do any parenting at all. In his head you becoming a stay-at-home mom meant that parenting was your responsibility and that included SD, whether he actually said this to you or not.
The parenting and work balance between the sexes is something that you end up renegotiating a few times throughout your marriage. Something that may have worked before doesn't work when there are more kids in the mix or if somebody is staying home.
I don't know if you're planning to go back to work but it sounds like if you got some sort of position in education so that you were off during the summer it might ease the burden here. Neither you or your DH are getting what you need out of this so you both need to come to the table willing to figure out something that's going to work better for you.
Is it parenting he resents?
The way OP has presented this (and it may be perfectly accurate!) is that he resents being made to parent, so he's "taking it out on" her and not giving any thought as to what makes her happy. If we were to hear his side, would he be saying that he had thought/hoped that he'd spend more energy outside the home and that's involves sacrificing time with family, so OP can stay hope and raise the (WHOLE) family. But now that she's set her limits he's stuck. She won't help with the daycare this year (becuase he blew it and forgot or didn't realize he needed to arrange it), so now he has to figure it out. The only option left is for him to take time off to look after his child. But the household still needs money so now he has to work weekends. He can either choose to work the weekend he has his child (and miss that limited time with her), or he can work the opposite weekend and take time off when the whole family can be together.
Phrased that way, what he's doing is making the best of the situation he can while still honoring the commitment to have OP stay home.
If OP is resentful of the way it is working out, she needs to HELP! Figure out how she can go back to work when he's home (so they both have parenting responsibilities and both have outside ability to improve finances), OR find creative and inexpensive child care arrangements (baby sitter in the home to help her?), or suck it up and play the role of care giver to all three kids.
I don't think it's a balance between the sexes, I don't think he's being a chauvanist and saying this is women's work (although he may be) - I think he's stuck between a rock and a hard place and trying to hold it all together. I agree it needs renegotiation and they need to have some honest discussions. Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100.
I told my DH I wanted SD in
I told my DH I wanted SD in camps for the summer but he couldn't get it done. I'll be doing it from here on out and I'll try to just force myself to take care of such tasks like that and think of it as benefiting my whole family, even though I hate enabling him. But I guess I just have to get over it because he hasn't learned yet and I'm sick of waiting.
Agreement
I work from home more often than not. It started in 2020 when the skids were 10 and 13. I was home all day with them and DH had to work. He couldn't not work because that's his job. It was agreed upon that we would have simple things to have in the house for lunch that would require very little of me. They entertained their self and when DH came home from work he was in charge. 7 years old is pretty young to just ignore when she's not really causing you problems when it's just you and her. I would want my husband home as well and not working bc he has to miss so much when his other child is with you guys. You don't have to do much for her. He can meet all of her needs while you essentially babysit.
Well, how is this all working out for you?
Not well it appears.
When SS-30 was young, we raised him together. That is what a marriage is IMHO. An equity life partnership. DW was a SAHM until SS started school. She was also a full time college student. She would drop him off at day care on her way to class in the evening, I would pick him up on my way home from work. It was a drop in day care. He was there usually less than an hour.
It sounds to me that this whole situation the OP is experiencing is a recipe for another marriage for them both.
If I were the DH in this scenario, I would not be giving up my time with my family because my DW had issues. Neither would I jeopardize my career. OP does not like SD, OP does not like not having time with her DH and their kids together. It sounds to me that there is a need to adjust.
One simple change. OP could easily arrange a summer day camp for SD and daddy can drop off and pick up on his way to and from work. Even logical boundaries sometimes have to be adjusted as life events unfold.
If DH and OP agreed that OP would be the SAHP agreed that DH would start his own construction business while being the sole family income..... the boundaries of OP's disengagement need to adjust to optimize the benefits of the disengagment, being a SAHP, and of DH's business.
Inducing some pragmatism into this situation is in order IMHO.
It sounds like he doesn't
It sounds like he doesn't want to parent at all and will use any excuse to not do it. I would lose my mind if my husband refused to parent both his and OUR children and also then blamed it on ME for his not spending time with us. Personally I'd tell him that when it comes to SK you ARE a single dad. Get into it. Enjoy it. As for OUR children, if you don't make time for us you will be a single father to both sets of children. Don't listen to my advice tho, I'm stuck where you are.
If this is only for summer, I might also just ignore it. Summers as a stepmom suck hard. I also have found that when disengaging, if you begin to creep into the plans, he will IMMEDIATELY let you take all control and the responsibility creeps back in and before you know it, he's back to his old ways. This is a mindset we're fighting here, one of "everything is ok" and "I'm tired therefore I DON'T have to parent"
Make this your mantra - "I CANNOT CARE MORE THEN MOM AND DAD."
Hugs. At least I have a good relationship when the steps are gone. If you have a shit relationship no mattet whether the steps are gone or there, you have bigger issues.
On point
Yes to all of this! Summers sick for smoms bc the kids are always gone when DH has to work. He teaches at a different school district than his kids and he's already back. His kids don't go back until August 30th so they just sit at home all day.