How do I wish I really knew what i got myself into. SD8 mini wife and mother in law the old witch
It is very painful to admit that I have tremendous regrets of this relationship. I've never cheated on my husband and I don't think I ever will. But ever once in a while, I thought about the guys I've dated when I was in college. I wonder what if I married one of them, had my own family in stead of a blended one.. This kind of thought of course makes me feel guilty..
I do still love my husband but I have to say that my love for him is not as strong as it used to be. A lot of things have changed. I know he has done the best he can but other people in his life just makes our marriage hard to deal with.
For example, I cannot get along with my mother in law who is a control freak. SD8 is her first grand daughter and for some reasons, she has a special bond with her and she doesn't have that same bond with my son. She butt into my business constantly and even telling SD8 to go to bed is too "mean" in her eyes. I am glad that I don't live with the old witch, but SD8 always reports back to her grandmother and I always receive a phone call from her telling me how unfair I have been.
SD8 is a very insecure kid who has obviously been traumatized by her parents' divorce although she was only 4 years old when her bio parents split. I don't want to give examples of how she acts like his mini wife, I am pretty sure you all understand what I am talking about. Seriously, I just want to vomit sometimes.
I find myself more and more annoyed by this type of co-dependent toxic relationship. I tolerate my marriage but I don't really enjoy it. Here is the lists of the things I hate the most about my marriage,
1. I have never feel I've been appreciated. I can do 1000 good things for SD8, but if I did one thing wrong, then I am always remembered as a mean evil step mother.
2. SD8 is always the Cinderella and I am always the evil step mother. People always make excuses for her because she is just a kid, and I am adult. (This is what I hate the most)
3. I feel when my step daughter is around, I no longer have a husband. I cannot hug him, kiss him, hold his hands in my own house because if I do, SD8 will roll her eyes or calling him "ddddaaaaddddyyyyyyyy"
4. I feel everybody is watching me or judging me, especially my mother in law. She has never given me a compliment for a job well done. She always has things to criticize. My dish is too salty, my house is not clean enough, I don't spend more time with SD8, etc, etc.
5. I simply don't feel I spend enough time with my husband. We are still madly in love with each other, but I want a romantic dinner every once in a while just for the two of us. We simply don't have that anymore.
6. I feel I am alone in my own house, in my own marriage. I feel my own husband can never relate to how I feel. Of course he cannot. He is in a house full of people who love him. But me, I have to deal with other people's kid. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself things are going to get better, I know I am just fooling myself. My resentment is not going away, but grow stronger.
Have any of you shared the same feelings I do? Or I am truly just alone.. 
All of these are problems
All of these are problems caused by your DH. Doesn't he see this? Does he LIKE for you to be the scapegoat?
A true man will take into consideration your feelings too, even if he doesn't have the same feelings. Unless you are dealing with a narcissist.
I can relate. But my SO is
I can relate. But my SO is extremely grateful for even the littlest things I do. Can you talk with your hubby about how gratitude would make you enjoy your marriage again? Does he even know you feel like this? Most women need to feel appreciated by their spouses. If you don't get that, it's no wonder you're feeling the way you do!
One thing about your MIL...my OWN MOTHER is the same way to me.
Nothing is ever good enough, she butts in about my son, she challenges me about everything including bedtime and snacks (in front of him!), blah blah yawn blah blah.
She even takes credit for how kind he is - even though she lives 1000 miles away. "He has such a nice personality, just like his granny!" :sick: She has calmed down because she knows I will hang up on her, not call for a week, not have the kid call, be bitchy, etc.
Since your MIL wants to act like this, butting into your life and all, could you push back? Start being meaner? ...start saying stuff back to her? Like, "Thanks wonderful goddess, but we don't need your opinion on that." Or, "Yes SD, Grandma says xyz, but in this house, I'm the queen, so we do abc." I mean, can you take back your power or do you sit back and do nothing? You don't like her anyway, so what could it hurt?
Wait, your MIL calls YOU to
Wait, your MIL calls YOU to tell you that you've been unfair to your SD? I'd seriously hand the phone to my husband. "Oh, I'm sorry, You were looking for your son." And I am the MOST non-confrontational person you will ever meet. And honestly, this woman sounds like she would/will do the same with your own biologically children. She's just miserable.
For the rest, re-read what Notasm wrote. Is perfect advice. I had similar thoughts today about life being SO complicated and constantly filled with drama in blended families. I vented to a girlfriend who married her college boyfriend. They have a wonderful, rock solid marriage. She reminded me that her husband also comes with "baggage." Not in terms of a BM and children, but a CRAZY family. CRAZY. They ended a family vacation over drama. Families are complicated.
Great advice here. You sound
Great advice here. You sound like a very nice person putting up with all this. But maybe time to decide how far people may go with you... Ie. this far, and no further. So gran you may come and eat a meal with us, but you may not comment rudely on it. Gran you may offer support to miss 8, but you may not ring me and have a go at me about my parenting decisions ..... Which is all easy to say, but when I tried to be calmly assertive to my overbearing mil (admittedly at a family dinner with 15 people there) she has made life here pretty tough... But still, you could give it a go, you will probably be better at it than I was
Boundaries
Boundaries can be your best friend. My first husband's mother was like your MIL. I eventually had to stand up for myself because my then- husband wouldn't do it. Your home, your rules.
Your dish is too salty? Don't eat it. You don't think SD needs to go to bed at a decent time? Take her to your place! Your home isn't clean enough? Don't like it, don't look at it- the door is that way.
If she snoops around, leave something out for her to find that will scandalize her ( you can get creative here!).
Your SD must learn her place, which is high on the totem pole, but you are #1 so claim your place and wear that crown! It doesn't make you a bad person to want to be treated with respect...the same respect I'm sure you've shown others.
DH needs to grow up
DH needs to grow up and be a man. This means standing up to his mother, and being a parent to his daughter, as well as including you in decisions that affect the family.
I have no doubt my own mother would have been a terrible influence on my marriage, had I let her. She was controlling and abusive to me, so the minute she said one mean word to my DH or step daughters, I cut her out of my life. I have not spoken to her in 10+ years. I could never make my loved ones suffer through her bad behavior - I love them enough to banish anyone who would treat them badly. Your DH should grow a spine.