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Update about ex-husband who wanted sit down with

Movingonisbest's picture

Update about ex-husband who wanted sit down with one of my male relatives.  So apparently my narcissistic ex-husband who was turned down when he requested to have a sit down with one of  my male relatives to presumably discuss me decided he wasn't taking no for an answer. 

I talked to my male relative over the weekend and told him that not only had my toxic ex with the toxic adult kids been trying to contact me this past week but I had also been receiving calls from either anonymous numbers or numbers I didn't recognize.  This male relative proceeded to ask if I thought the anonymous calls and calls coming from numbers I didn't know were from my narcissistic ex with the toxic adult kids or my narcissistic ex-husband. I told him I thought the calls were likely coming from both.

My male relative seemed shocked. Then he proceeded to tell me that even though he declined a sit down with my narcissistic ex-husband, apparently my narcissistic ex-husband obtained his number and contacted him anyway.  My male relative said he wasn't going to tell me what he said to my narcissistic ex-husband, but he knew after what he said to my narcissistic ex-husband that he wasn't worried about my narcissistic ex-husband ever reaching out to him again and he figured he would just move on.

I don't think my male relative understands narcissistic personality disorder. If my ex-husband husband was capable of truly moving on, he would have done that many years ago. If he was capable of moving on, he would have respected my male relatives decision not to have a sit down conversation with him.  In discussing it with another male relative, he said my narcissistic ex-husband better not try reaching out to him for a sit down because all he is going to do is tell him he has no information to share with him about me and that he needed to sit down with a counselor and figure out how to leave me alone and be a man and deal with his own self-created problems. Sheesh

 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Ugggh.. I would have hoped the only thing that the 'male relative"would have said is "no comment" basically... nothing that would give any info on your life period... maybe that's what he said.. but at this point.. I might look into stalking laws locally to see if your ex could be charged.. because it's kind of creepy.

Movingonisbest's picture

Esmond, I wish my male relative would have basically said nothing either. It's like he is fishing for information about me. It's really ridiculous. I'm still hopeful that whatever my male relative said to him he really will just go away.  He likely was mad initially because he got a narcissistic injury, and so I'm leaning more towards it being him calling anonymously or from numbers I don't know. For the last few days haven't gotten any of those calls so really hoping he will move on.

Winterglow's picture

Did you go to the police about this being a breach of the restraining order?

Movingonisbest's picture

I will have to take a closer look at the order to see if it actually applies to him contacting my family. My inclination tells me it likely doesn't. 

I really try to live as peacefully as possible. Who really wants to get pulled back into crap like this after so many years.

Like I told one of my male relatives, I wasn't my ex-husband's first girlfriend but I was his first wife. I don't fully understand why when I decide to leave some relationships these men just won't move on.  My Godfather said some men just want to be able to control a women. That because I seem to be so kind, soft spoken, etc. that some men see me as an easy target. That is until they realize I know my value and will cut them off and never look back. One of my good friends said something similar like they have me pegged wrong. I do not want to be sucked into his turmoil. I'm not having a conversation with him ever unless it is related to an emergency regarding our adult kids.

Winterglow's picture

It doesn't matter what the order says, he contacted you while pretending to speak to someone else, The police is not stupid and has seen this before. Nail his arse for breach of order. Give him NO respite and contact your lawyer TODAY. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Definitely go to the police. I know you you are hoping it will just go away but unfortunately, it won't. People like this guy will never stop until they are given a strong enough reason to. 

Movingonisbest's picture

AlmostGone834. I understand what you are saying. It's kind of like how many times do we  have to go to court for him to understand he will never be apart of my life again? One judge pretty much came out and told him I  couldn't be ordered to have a relationship with him.

AlmostGone834's picture

Unfortunately it's going to take some work to get rid of him. He contacted you and like the other poster above said... you know what's going on, we know what's going on and the police aren't stupid. They know he's playing games too. If someone has an order against you, it's your responsibility to know what number you shouldn't be calling. Every thing he does needs to be reported and a paper trail needs to be built.

He isn't going away. Why would he have a reason to if he's never punished for violating the order? How long can it go in for? Decades. Ask me how I know lol. 
 

 

Movingonisbest's picture

Let me guess, your ex was a narcissist?  If you have any tips on how to get him to move on, it will be greatly appreciated. Not sure how the cities are where you or wintergreen are but what I'm hearing from others the police here are overworked and overwhelming understaffed.

AlmostGone834's picture

No, my ex was not a narcissist. He had a personality disorder of some sort I am sure... perhaps conduct disorder... and he was a pathological liar... but he didn't fit the profile of a narcissist. That didn't stop him from trying to gain access to my life however.

It's my belief that the only way to stop these types is to either freeze them out completely or make the pain of stalking you worse than the reward. 
 

In my case, I was able to completely freeze my ex out. It took me a while to realize but I had to put everything about my life on lock down. My social media accounts are all set to private. No one can comment, see or interact with me in any way. I do not allo friend requests from people I don't know. I do not answer calls from unknown or restricted numbers. If the number is visible but I don't recognize it, I let it go to voicemail. (It is easy to get free fake numbers to call from so I don't take any chances) alternately, you can change the setting on your phone to send all unknown calls directly to voicemail without ringing. I had to change all of my email addresses and any personal information I had online. I have security cameras outside my house
 

Unfortunately, I am not sure you will be able to freeze out your ex. Your ex lives close enough to drive by and he is able to make some headway by contacting your family. My ex is not able to do either of these things luckily. This is why I suggest the second method- make it too painful for him to continue stalking you. The police may be overworked but they still need to enforce orders of protection. It may be that if you are persistent enough, they will eventually crack down hard on the guy just to get you off their back. Report everything. Document everything. Ask for copies of your report to keep in your own personal file. Tell them you do not feel safe and you want it documented that you don't feel safe. Create a paper trail and collect any evidence you have - testimony from your relative for example. Inquire about call tracing with your phone company for those restricted numbers on your phone. Install outdoor cameras - (I use Simplisafe, it's reasonable and the outdoor cameras are battery operated so you don't need to hard wire them in. They can be installed with a drill and, after the upfront cost of the cameras and base station, the self monitoring cost is pretty cheap- I think $10/month for up to 5 cameras. The cameras record when they sense motion automatically. You can then download and save the recordings It may be a good idea if you think he is stepping foot on or around your property.)

 

Movingonisbest's picture

Almostgone, I see you mentioned your ex had a personality disorder. Do you know if it is true that people with personality disorders can't change? Do you think freezing your ex out actually worked? If so, did it really take decades? Everything I have been learning about narcissists indicates no contact is the only real option. I guess it really doesn't work for all narcissists unless the 2 I have have dealt with are more severely disordered.

Movingonisbest's picture

Almostgone I  want to start out by saying thank you for these tips. I didn't know there was a feature for tracing even restricted calls. I will definitely look into that. A neighbor recommended security measures like cameras and stuff but I wasn't exactly sure why since we live in a safe area. But then he made comments like me needing to be aware of my surroundings,  being more catious,, him noticing a few different vehicles that didn't have a reason to be in our area, etc. People that I discussed this with felt he was trying to warn me without startling me.

A few members of the board recommended security cameras also. I  did get one just until I could figure out if I wanted an entire security system and what type of monitoring. 

After dealing with my narcissistic ex-husband I pretty much became even more private. Last I  knew he didn't live in the area. I thought he had finally moved on after so many years.

I realize it may not be clear but I have a narcissistic ex-husband who this post is about. However, I have a narcissistic ex-boyfriend who has toxic adult kids that he hid from me, which is how I found this board a few years ago. I ended the relationship with the toxic ex-boyfriend over two years ago and he still won't go away either. So when my neighbor talked to me about safety, cameras and stuff I thought he was referring to my ex-boyfriend. I just recently figured out my ex-husband still hasn't moved on.  My ex-boyfriend, I haven't answered his calls or responded to his messages in over two years. I don't even open his messages. I have ignored my ex-husband for many many years, that's why I thought it worked.

To my knowledge, this is the first time both of them have been engaging in the same behavior at the same time.  I was listening to this speaker yesterday talk in depth about narcissim and he basically said they are aggressively targeting former prey, especially if that former prey was grade A supply. The speaker said there is more awareness now about narcissim,  so it is harder for them to lure new people in to their toxic web. He also said alot of them are lazy and think it's easier to get supply from a past partner instead of seeking out a new one. He said with covid and all the issues going on in the world, most people aren't sticking around for narcissists toxicity and so alot of narcissists are desperate which can lead to unwanted contact from them.

 

Winterglow's picture

I just wanted to add that a security camera can also give you the proof you need that your ex is violating the restraining order. Make sure that at least one is facing the street.

Movingonisbest's picture

Thanks for the tip Winterglow. I only purchased 1 so far until I can figure out how many I need and what level of security. I will change it's location so it contains the view you suggested.