Interesting
DH called SS10 today for our usual twice per week call since visiting him last weekend. It was evident DH was on speakerphone. Of course, BM wasn't there - it was GF taking SS to a school event. During their call, GF chimed in, telling DH about how much fun SS had with us last weekend and how he couldn't wait to tell them all about it. DH said that GF's comment seemed genuine and sincere, not petty or sarcastic. SS then confirmed that he had a great time with us.
I know a lot of you on here said in my last blog that SS likely was conflicted with us being in BM's city, since he is not used to mixing the two families. He is used to us being here and BM and GF being there, always separate with SS traveling back and forth. I just don't get why the whole weekend, SS barely said two words and acted so proper and uncomfortable with us, yet he tells BM and GF that he had such a great time and spent so much time talking about it. He literally seemed like he would have rather been anywhere else last weekend than with us. Where was that excitement and happiness when he was actually with us? I just don't get it.
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Loyalty conflicted skids
Aka victims of PAS are required to be aloof toward the targeted parent when the PASing parent is present. Otherwise they will suffer punishment from the PASer parent for daring to appear happy around the targeted parent.
That's the weird thing, BM
That's the weird thing, BM and GF were not present. We had SS alone the whole weekend, so I don't understand why he was still acting that way. If BM and GF had been with us, I could understand it, but he was alone with us the whole time, except for at the football game, but SS was on the field the whole time.
Doesn't matter
The psychology is still there. I noticed this aloofness grew as the PAS progressed. At first, there was a 20 minute period on the drive back to our house for visitation from sports activities where you could tell they were waiting for a "safe distance" from the Gir 'n' Clan to be comfortable with us.
That time period increased to the point where they would not talk to us on the phone (after the fake CPS incident) they would pretend to ignore us at their events whilst obliging the Gir by parading in front of us pretending they didn't notice we were there. Then the terrible behavior on visitation, the phoney excuses as to why they couldn't come to our house (fourth BM family reunion in as many months, national pizza day, etc)
They would seldom if ever return Chef's calls and when they did it was always speakerphone with Gir screening the call. They never picked up right away. By contrast, Chef would always pick up when the either the skids or Gir called.
One by one they stopped coming over, yet the Gir had them send what could only be described as judgemental greeting cards to induce Chef's guilt/guilty daddy syndrome.
The psychology, like brain washing, stays and yes it is child abuse of the cruelest kind IMO. We simply did not have the money to fight this in court. And by most of the outcomes you read here, 99% of fathers in courts fighting for their rights has a negative outcome. Money flushed down the extremely militantly pro-BM system called "family" court.
GF may be nicer and easier to
GF may be nicer and easier to deal with, but she is in no way a friend to us. I doubt she would help us in any way, shape or form because helping us goes against the narrative she wants that SS is her bio son. She would direct everything to BM. GF is just polite where BM is rude, regardless of who is around.
We see SS 6 weeks per year
We see SS 6 weeks per year and we have zero custody. We have visitation but that's it. We have to walk a fine line. While we try to keep to the facts when SS asks us things, we also don't go full on. We answer his questions, but keep it neutral and still age appropriate, not badmouthing BM or GF. We haven't pulled out court orders or discussed anything related to that.
He is a kid who already has enough emotional conflict in his life. He constantly has to please BM and suffers from the loyalty binds she puts him in. We don't make him choose. We are not going to add more emotional stress to him, even if it means sacrificing our relationship with him. We cannot protect him from BM's antics with the limited visitation we have. And honestly, he trusts and loves BM far more than he does DH. DH trying to get SS to face the truth would only push SS further away.
SS is a lot like this.
SS is a lot like this. Enmeshment is horrible for kids. The guilt of showing any emotion to me is evident because he feels guilty he's betraying his mum. ESPECIALLY when SD is around, she's BMs spy so he is completely different when she is there. Very quiet and mis behaves. We have him booked to speak to a child psychologist.
You know BM try’s to control everything
Again you know BM wasn't s a happy family of herself, GF, and SS. Cutting you and DH out of SS life. GF is not as controlling as BM. GF can't see SS as her child, GF must be the female in the relationship. She knows that she did not give to SS.
You must take a step back in trying to make sense of BM and BM life. She is crazy and there is no makeing sense of a crazy's life.
Just play by the CO. Give proper notice of when you are picking up SS and when you are returning him. Christmas- New years visitation, you will be picking SS up on December X at X time and returning him Jan X at Z time. Next visitation is February break from Frn X to feb Z.
keep is short and formal
GF is not your friend, just a little normal then BM. But BM still try's to call the shorts
Oh I am under no illusion
Oh I am under no illusion that BM or GF are our friends. I know BM and GF would shove us in front of a metaphorical speeding train the first second they could, even if GF is the "nice" one. If it improves BM and GF's situation, makes their life easier, or allows them to keep their grip on SS, they'll do it. They've done it to us many times before to the point we needed cameras in our home and did not allow any family to have direct contact with them.
We do play by the CO and follow it to the letter. We don't ask for additional time, we don't do anything extra (except this 1 visit in 4 years), and we pay to the penny in CS, paying nothing extra. We have already sent BM an outline of all of our visitation for this academic school year per the CO, which she confirmed all dates (minus summer since that flexes every year based on football schedules). When DH does communicate with BM (and BM only), he keeps it BIFF and when responding, only says "Thanks for the update." We have basically given up, but dealing with that loss is hard, especially when someone else is basking in your failure. DH and I do the best we can to live our lives as normal as possible, ignoring the fact that we don't see SS often. We try to get on with our lives and focus on DD.