When will SD13 stop coming over Saturdays?
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Current custody agreement is Thursdays 4-9, Sundays 12-9 and every other Saturday is a sleepover 12 Sat to 9 PM Sunday. My step daughter is in 8th grade (13) and has a lot of friends....when will she stop wanting to spend every other weekend with Daddy? We are 30 mins from her friends. At her age I wouldn't be caught dead staying home on a Saturday night....anyone been here? I have friends that say after a certain age they broke away from their weekly schedule.
SS11 does the same shit, will boys also not want to come after a while?
Just wondering.
The blaring void appears to be... parenting.
13yos don't have a social life on Saturday nights. Caught dead staying home or not.
As for "not coming after a while"... kids don't get a choice. Parents parent. Kids do what they are told when they are told or... the kid experiences an escalating state of misery when they make the poor choice of not listening, not behaving to the standards set and enforced by the parent, or not performing to stipulated standards of performance.
Who cares what a 13yo or 11yo want? They don't know what they want from one second to the next. That is what parents are for. Telling them what they will do regardless of what their partially formed teen brains tell them that they want.
TIme with her father, as stipulated in a visitation CO, trumps their friend activities.
Keep it simple. Enforce the visitation schedule, and as the NCP household, hold the CP accountable for providing the care that the NCP pays for with CS. Keep in mind that the NCP has zero mandate to take a kid for a visitation if the NCP chooses not to take that visitation. The CP is the CP. They care for the kid when the NCP can't or won't.
Sooooo
You think your skids should stop seeing their dad? The only over nite they have? It must be terribly inconvenient for you. Your post makes me sad. Kids should be able to spend time with their parents. Yes, at some point they will likely find other hings to do on a Saturday and your SO will likely miss them.
Your SD sees her Dad about 4 days a month
Your SD sees her Dad about 4 days a month and you think she should see him less? For their sake, I hope she continues to see him every other Saturday. I completely understand how step-kids can negatively impact your life - but I think it is unreasonable for you to think that she should come less than she already is.
If you read the post you'll
If you read the post you'll see it's 10 days a month, not 4.
She is not there 10 complete days as the overnights
She is not there 10 complete days as the overnights are only twice a month. In any case, it would be nice for your DH if she could continue the every other Saturday overnights. There are teenagers who actually enjoy spending time with their parents and plan their activities with friends on the weekends they are not with the non-custodial parent.
What if something happens to
What if something happens to BM and your DH gets full custody, 365 days a year? It is always a possibility.
This happened to me. Boom,
This happened to me. Boom, full custody and pure hell for 7 years.
Did you grow up in an intact
Did you grow up in an intact family where you and your parents had the option to be under the same roof pretty much every night??
Most men do not sign up to be part-time dads. Their expectation going in is often to be there 24/7/365. Children rarely grow up expecting to have a part-time parent. Why do you begrudge the weekly single night??
13
Is still a child. So, no they should not even have the choice.
Rags is right here.
Yes to this.
Yes to this, yes to Rags.
To directly answer your question
To directly answer your question, mine did not really change the schedule while in their teens. Actually well into university one of my step kids tries to divide her weekends equally between her parents but she starting to change that.
To add onto what everyone else has said, you seem to be rooting against her relationship with her father. You'd rather her focus energy on a 13 year old's relationship with transitional friends, than continue to build the depth of relationship she should with her dad. Please do everything you can to make her visits welcoming and comfortable. If not for her, then because you support her Dad, your DH.
Lastly, kids of today are not us. Our kids rarely went out on weekends. They texted their friends, saw them at school, played video games, attended organized sports, Rarely did they troll a mall, or go to hang at each other's houses. That doesn't make them weird or odd. Teens have changed. Don't judge this generation by our generation's behaviors. Now, in their 20's they have vibrant social lives. But in their teens they generally preferred to hang home, and often enjoyed hanging with DH and I.
Edited to add, some kids do end up changing the schedule if the parents live far enough away that work is complicated. Teen jobs can make a bit of a difference, other than that it shouldn't be an issue.
Truth
Teens today have social media to connect so don't need to hang around malls, etc. That being said, encouraging them to get out in the real world is great for their social development.
But a 13 year old shouldn't be out all weekend. That's not healthy either.
That’s a crazy schedule
Why every Saturday 12 to 9 and EO Saturday 12=noon to 9 pm Sunday. Should be ever other weekend Friday to Sunday. You don't get a free weekend and BM doesn't get a free weekend either
It sounds like the schedule
It sounds like the schedule is the main problem, going back and fourth so frequently takes up a lot of time and prevents a social life for everyone, it also forces the bioparents to interact more.often giving more opportunities for drama.
A week on week off schedule would probably suit you all better. Suggest this.
I do kind of agree that the
I do kind of agree that the schedule is difficult with every weekend having some amount of visitation and from your prior posts.. I get that you resent their intrusion... but I do have a few suggestions.
1. Is it possible to change the schedule to a more typical every other weekend where it would be friday after school until Sunday at 9pm? Right now, they only have TWO overnights with their father.. that is pretty minimal.. and the other weekend's partial daytime is limiting to everyone's schedules... neither your household.. nor BM's can have a weekend away due to exchange conflicts.
So it might look more like
Every Thursday after school till 9pm. Then every OTHER friday to Sunday at your home..
It would be a bit more time for him to do things with the kids.. like if he wanted to take them for the weekend on a trip etc..
2. Have you fixed the logistics of the living room? my suggestion would be to get the kids TV (s) for their room(s)... they likely would be preferring that anyway.. it would get them out of your hair.. bonus points for you being the nice person to suggest he treat his kids to a nice item.
I commend your helpful comment
I commend and recogize your very helpful comment. I agree that this schedule of every weekend would make it difficult. Very those that are going to say what if the child was there full-time? I don't think dad would feel bad about doing something else on a Saturday night or having the child stay with a relative or something if she was there all the time. I think it is the every Saturday night thing that is making it hard and I could be wrong but I think that is what is stressing OP. Imagine if every single Saturday night was already planned for you by anything or anyone? I don't think it is having the SD there at all that is the problem.. just a guess ..
What if.... but they are not.
I agree completely that there will usually be someone who plays the "what if" card when it comes to the visitation schedule or the possibility of the NCP household becomming the CP household.
Until that happens, it is irrelevant IMHO. Life has to be lived and managed by what is not by what if. If what if becomes what is.... then it is adjusted to and dealt with.
I am a pramatist and do not spend a whole lot of time on what if. The variables are nearly infinate and to put much thought into the what ifs is counterproductive IMHO.
I am not driven by guilt. My DW often is. I also have a college BFF who is as well. This seems to correlate to a notable investment in "what if" and "what about". For some reason this seems to apply fairly universally in the lives of those who are aflicted by this perspective.
What if the Skids become full time? (They are not full time. Don't worry about it. If it happens, deal with it then.)
What about my coworkers if I change companies? (Companies are not loyal to employees. They are loyal to profits. Why should an employee have a different perspective than the company does? Your coworkers were fine before you go there. They will be fine after you leave.)
But she has invested so much time into our relationship. I don't want to ever get married but she has earned it. (Never marry out of guilt. Marry because this is the person you want and choose to live your life with.)
What if I don't get a job that I want. (There are always other opportunties for highly trained professionals. Get out of your own way and go for it.)
It's not right to want to
It's not right to want to take those overnights away at her age, or really until the CO mandates (18)-they still need time w/their parents, especially the one that sees them less.
I agree though, having Skids EVERy weekend in some form or fashion is VERy difficult on the step parent, and it also isn't fair for the kids or the parents.
I would suggest seeing if he is open to modifying it to where the weekends are EOW and then continue the Thursday's-this way it doesn't cut into the days he already has.
Ex: Every Thursday after school till 9pm- then EOW you just keep them that Thursday night, dad takes/picks-up from school on Friday..giving him the ten days, 6 overnights...that seems a lot more fair, a lot less back/forth as well, both parents can plan things on their 'kid free' weekend as well as able to take trips and do special things w/the kids on the weekends they are with them.
THere is absolutely no reason those kids should be having such little overnights w/the non-custodial honestly, they aren't infants/toddlers.
NCP schedule and over nights.
The CO is the CO, the schedule is the schedule. That said, IMHO, the NCP has no legal mandate to take their kids for visitation. While the CP has to care for those kids, regardless of the COd visitation schedule. If... the NCP does not take the kids.
Of course the most common situation is that the NCP takes the kids as the visitation schedule facilitates. Though any given visitation certainly is at risk of being overcome by events. Business travel, work variables, adult/spouse vacations, illness, etc.....
The one element nearly entirely at the discretion of the NCP is choosing to take, or not to take, a visitation. CPs seem to have a preponderance of tendency to both withhold visitaiton or to try to force the NCP to cover for the CP when the CP wants or needs to be kid free when they would usually have the kids that they are the CP for.
IMHO, the NCP has to defend both positions. Give me my kid(s) as ordered, and, not this weekend. You firgure it out, it isn't my problem. You are the CP. I pay you for that service.
Probably not a popular, and maybe not even a reasonable perscpective.
But......
The guy gets so little time
The guy gets so little time with his kids.. only two overnights a month. Then a couple of after school evenings and another couple weekend days on the off weekends.
I think the poster said.. 10 days a month.. but only two are overnight.. the other time is just partial days.
it's so little.. and yeah.. he could decline to take his time.. but he doesn't want to.. he holds his time with his kids as sacred.. and since there is so little of it.. I kind of don't blame him.
Thank you ESMOD
After reading this comment while I still commend your other comment I change mine
I read it wrong I thought it was every Saturday night not every other. I would say that is a pretty good schedule for OP... she has every Friday night and every other Saturday most have every other whole weekends... I stand corrected!!
I too believe OP has to find a way to let this go. Dads time is already limited
It is an odd visitation schedule.
I would be interested in knowing if this was COd or if it was agreed between the NCP and the CP.
It is unusual enough that I would guess it was not created by the courts.
the kids are there every
the kids are there every saturday.. but only overnight every other.. that means the time is really limited.. it seems like dad would be better off with two nights EOWE.. more quality time to do things with his kids.. and then time to be present with his wife and do things non kid related the other two weekends a month.
it is weird.. and I can't imagine either parent loves it like that.
I read it that the kids are
every Thursday and every Sunday ... Saturday is every other... My opinion weighs heavily on whether Saturday over night is every other? Maybe OP could clarify? However given Sunday is every week I do think that would be difficult to have the child every weekend on Sunday. It would cut into to any weekend plan that the child might not be involved in or want to attend. The dad would not feel he could have a plan ANY Sunday that did not inlude the child. This is not the best arrangement.
I think they are just there
I think they are just there for a few hours on Thursdays.. and sundays too possible.. it's only the every other saturday they are there overnight.. but the way it's set up.. there is never a free weekend from it.. which seems pretty limiting.. most people would be able to plan some non-skid stuff on the off weekends.. but OP doesn't get that.. so even though it's not a lot.. it does mark up the calendar for most of their off work days.
"I can't imagine either
"I can't imagine either parent loves it like that."
Unless they're really HC, in which case they're happy to put up with it because it means they get to stick it to the other parent...
I know you WANT to be right,
I know you WANT to be right, and it feels super annoying to you, because they aren't your kids, but there are WORSE things out there than a kid wanting to spend time with their father. and a few hours after school isn't really enough to be called spending time with dad, majority of it is probably spent doing homework (which I get, that is also part of parenting).
take the Auntie approach to this, back off of any decisions and if you don't like the kids, don't do a lot of interactin with them, find OTHER things to do on those days, go spend those evenings with your friends, go get a massage, get your nails done, go have a margarita night with the girls from work... there are things you could do to get out of the house when the skids are over
Omg do you know how LUCKY you are?!?
Only having to deal with the step brats 10 days a month and only one over night a week?! I would kill for that Arrangement. Try having the step kids 50/50 including PLUS all major Holiday's PLUS three FULL weeks during the summer PLUS splitting 50/50 sick days/ school vacation days. Oh PLUS let's not forget DH is "expected" to attend ALL sporting/school events regardless who's parenting time it is.