Why can’t DH see when kids are lying and manipulating?
I am getting so sick of this situation. SS is always lying about everything and DH barely calls him on it. Just let's him do it and believes what he says most of the time. And it's so obvious when the kid lies. This morning he lied for his stupid mom so she could get what she wants and DH believed him. And SD always gets away with lying and manipulation. She even directly admitted to DH that she often cries and throws fits or lies in order to avoid dealing with consequences or responsibility. We have told her at every single meal to take her dishes to the sink when she's done and she still stands there, every single time, and waits all giddy like she's trying to see if she is going to get away with not doing that. If no one tells her to do, she happily skips off because she knew what she was supposed to do but she got away with not doing it. It's literally 4 steps from the table to the sink. She makes her brother clean up after her and is the laziest little brat all the time. She never tried to help anyone with anything. And DH just lets her be that way. And god forbid I say anything about any of this, because then I'm the bad guy for not understanding how kids are or being gracious because they've had such a "hard time". No they haven't. They've been spoiled and allowed to do nothing for years. I know this is small stuff in the grand scheme of everything but it is driving me insane that DH lets them dictate everything and act like brats when they're here. They are so spoiled and I can't stand it. I would not let my kids act this way. And I can't do anything or say anything about it because then I'm "being too hard on them". Everything has been so hard lately for me, and I've been feeling very anxious and depressed, so when they show up and act like this and DH does nothing and believes everything they say, it infuriates me. I stay locked in my room reading because that's all I can do witho it starting an argument. I hate this existence and have no money to leave, even for a weekend and no one I could stay with either. I'm stuck. I wish I could tell unmarried me what I know now because I don't know that I would make the same choices. I feel so alone and miserable.
And now we’re fighting because I couldn’t hold my tongue.
It's this same cycle every time they come over. I see everything that's happening and have to bite my tongue the whole time and he ignores it. Then I bring it up because it bothers me so much and I get yelled at because I always have a problem with them. Like hello? You're letting them lie to you and manipulate you and all I did was call a spade a spade. I hate this so much and I don't want to deal with it anymore, but I have no other option than to stay in my room until they leave. Maybe I should just take the tent and the dogs and camp outside behind the house while they're here. But why do I have to leave my own house when they are the problem? I am so sick of this I want to scream!
I can relate
I just had a fight with DH about how manipulative SD can be. He simply replied: " She's just a baby, she just can't manipulate!" The brat is 13 ! She almost sent him into custody last year after having posted false abuse allegations against him on a hidden Tik Tok account ! Hold on ! You're not alone, our head-in-the-sand husbands will awaken someday only when a disaster happens !
My DH believes it all, too
Our "kids" are in their 50s and 60s now but DH85 still believes whatever they say. It's not an issue anymore with OSS and YSS who matured into decent adults. But SD61 is still the same manipulative liar she's always been. I could go on with 1,000 examples but let's just say if her lips are moving, she's lying. He eats it all up, its disgusting. I've given up but once in awhile, one of the kids gets frank with him and he cant accuse them of being a critical SP.
Most of her lies are to get out of something ("I can't do x like I promised because y"), or to make herself look good. Interestingly, she sometimes spins a story, it seems like she's trying out some script to see if it will fly. Whatever. I guess he wants to believe her life is unicorns and rainbows, too hard to face reality.
I feel for you Steppedout, you sound like you're stressed out. Hoping today is a better day for you.
Thank you, I hope it gets
Thank you, I hope it gets better too but I'm not optimistic. I guess I am just going to give up too. I'm not going to comment anymore or try to explain why I'm upset or frustrated or voice my opinion on how to parent these kids or how they should behave. The next time he asks me what's wrong, I'll just tell him that I don't feel like being yelled at so I'll just keep it to myself. I am going to get a second job and find an exit strategy because this too much for me to deal with anymore. I have no support and no one and I can't exist like this anymore. It's too bad because I really love DH but I can't put up with this kid sh** anymore. I'm always the bad guy and I'm done with it. I will just live in my bedroom while they're here and keep my mouth shut until have enough money to leave.
Get thee to a lawyer!
Get thee to a lawyer!
Today, or tomorrow depending on your time zone. Start squirelling money away in a separate bank account if your finances are joined. Start separating finances. I know you love your husband but love is just not enough.
Time to disengage as much as
Time to disengage as much as possible. Let him pick up after them, clean and cook. Just step away from that. My DH thought it was petty of me to do so until HE had to do it! He stopped complaining that I wasn't "helping" (with the standard things like setting and clearing the table) the SDs. It showed him what the work was. Unfortunately he never corrected it and he continues to do so for SD17 to this day. And then he wonders why she's entitled. (At BMs I think they still have someone come in and clean each morning.)
I'm not saying this as an alternative to leaving, but to do in the meantime if possible.
You need to make yourself happy again.
^^^This^^^
Disengage. Stop caring about what you know but can't control (the skids being spoilt and manipulative), and instead on making your SO responsible for all of their care. Skid makes a mess? "SO, please clean up the mess in the bathroom". " SO, please clean up the dinner dishes/garbage on the floor/boogers on the wall/dirty laundry". Be breezy, matter of fact, and busy doing something else when you speak. The goal is to get the issue taken care of by the person whose crappy parenting caused it and inconveniencing him instead of you.
You have value, and you matter to us! Step life will suck you dry if you don't learn and apply ways to protect and advocate for yourself.
THIS!!
Everything ExJulie said, 100%
I'm trying to disengage too,
I'm trying to disengage too, because SD stole and lied and meddle with our life, deciding that she doesn't want us to have more kids. Her dad sides with her most of the time ( he didn't when she stole), so I just decided that I'm not coming on vacation to Corsica this summer with him and SD. DH gives me the silent treatment a threatened to break up.
Getting yourself in a better
Getting yourself in a better financial position is a great plan. Even if you choose not to leave, it's good to have options and to not feel stuck. The skids may not bother you as much if you don't feel stuck and know you could move on from them tomorrow.
Your H is a crappy parent. He's not doing his kids any favors or preparing them to be good, productive adults by tolerating their lies and laziness. Maybe if you frame some of your comments around what's best for the kids he'd be more receptive. I suspect he sees the lies and manipulations but chooses not to acknowledge or deal with it.
They try to maintain a relationship
With there kids. Calling someone a liar puts a strain on the family. They know the kid lies tell story's But I my case why start trouble. She is not going to change Just something else to deal with
Oh he sees it alright. He's
Oh he sees it alright. He's afraid of upsetting his precious little poopsies so he won't say anything. He's afraid they won't want to grace him with their presence.
Because so often men have the
Because so often men have the kids so little time that they really feel like they don't want to spend the whole visitation unpleasantly.. by fighting.. by disciplining. We also see this to some extent with parents that both work full time.. they just don't have the total bandwidth to deal with the kids and spend it "on their butts".. for the couple of hours a day they actually see them.
They also may not care as much as their spouse... often because they are not the ones that are dealing with the aftermath.. ie the dishes.. cleaning chores that are almost always things that the "woman" in the household is usually doing.. so the chores that go undone don't really make a huge impact on them. And if they pick their kids' dishes and put them in the sink? they really feel sometimes that is the easier path than to make some huge deal of it.
And.. almost never will a SM have much luck trying to convince their kids are "liars and manipulators".. shoot.. most people manipulate to a certain extent.. we are nice to people who can do things for us.. in hope that they will reciprocate.. we do nice things for our friends and partners.. so we will hopefuly get the same treatment.. we all manipulate to an extent.. And.. It's not unusual for kids to lie/fib.. not tell the whole truth.. "yeah I did my HW".. (well I looked at it.. not did it).. "yeah I did my chore".. (but not well).. "I forgot".. "I didn't know".. "I didn't understand the assignment".. etc.. etc..
And.. there is nothing wrong with prompting a kid until you see a habit fully formed.
When the meal is done.. you don't necessarily wait for the kid to rememember their plate.. you say.. "You are excused.. please put your dishes in the sink".. and you keep doing that.. not some "test" and game that they will remember.. they have obviously gotten into that rut right?
And.. her dad doesn't have to yell about it. or make it a scold session.. if he doesn't tell her.. and she forgets. .a simple.. "Hey.. can you come get your dishes to the sink?".. that's it.. make her come back and do it.. if he calmly and consistently does it? eventually she may just give in and do it the first time when it isn't a big deal.
And.. while the parent should be doing this.. I don't see it as overly pushy for a SP to ask either.. not in a dictator way.. just a "can you please take your dishes to the sink? thank you"...
But.. again... your BF may not care about this.. but you know how he might? you can mirror the behavior too.. you can not clear the rest of the dishes.. and let him deal with it all while you go read a book or watch tv.. and if he says anyting? "well.. you didn't seem to mind the kids didn't clear the table.. I figured you were fine doing it yourself.. so I left mine" (not angrilly.. just matter of fact.. and if he goes on about "not fair".. you can remind him that you don't like the extra chore load either.. so maybe he might want to work on that with the kids...lol.
It sounds like you need that 2 pronged solution
1. Disengage. Dont try to tell SO anything about his precious poopsies, either negative or postive. Do nothing for them and do not clean up after them or parent them. When they lie or manipulate walk away. Or if you cannot hold it inside, you can tell them directly. Politely. But definitely disengage.
2. Definitely get yourself more $$$ so you have more choices.
Ostrich mode and The Emprorer's New Clothes syndrome.
Far too many breeders in blended family equations who bring failed family spawn to a new relationship suffer from these two conditions.
The problem with Ostrich Mode is their ass is positiond perfectly for their toxic X and failed family spawn to keep kicking them squarely in the buttocks. For some reason, these sad delusion driven individuals ignore the obvious and these failed adults, failed parents, and failed mates seem to enjoy the constant boot to the rump from their toxic pasts.
Even worse than Ostrich Mode is The Emporer's New Clothes syndrome. They beam with pride as their ill behaved failed family spawn piss everyone off with their crap behavior except for their delusional parent(s).
Why? Who the hell knows.
These conditions are not limited to blended families. There are plenty in intact families who suffer as well. Including my college BFF. For a decade+ I avoided his Spawn like the plague because I could not tolerate the shit behavior in public that my friend and his DW just ignored. Eventually he did confide in me that he had always felt we were too strict on our son but with his nighmare child he finally understood why.
Every dirty dish... on her bed. Not just hers. Everyone's.
Then she can move them to the kitchen, wash them, and put htem away. Each time she fails to do what she knows she is to do with her dishes. She gets every dish, pot, pan, fork, knive, spoon, glass, etc.... on her bed. Not rinsed first. Then she can either sleep in a nasty food stained bed, or wash her bedding.
Keep it simple.