When I was in a similar situation, I should have asked my DH, "How would you feel if I took my kids to exDH"s house on Christmas morning so we could all have Christmas together instead of being here with you?"   I guarantee he would have seen red and accused me of who knows what.

Or, "How would you feel about me going out to dinner with my ex and my 2 kids to our fave date place?"  

This BS is not ok. If he does this and you don't say anything, he's going to see it as permission to do it again. 

This would be a hill to die on for me. Time for him to sit his adult kid down and explain what divorce means. 

DH divorce BM.  Thus happy family is gone.  That what Divorce means. No happy Family dinner at our favorite restaurant. Because you are invited to watch the Happy Family. Doesn't make brownie points.  It's OK because your invited..  why didn't they also invite one or two of your ex lovers.   Fair is fair.  I am sure you and your ex lovers have catching up to do.  RIDICULOUS 

If my husband even thought about dining out with his ex-wife and their two kids, I'd be on the phone to a man-eating attorney before his ass cleared the door! What are you thinking of, Merrigan, to tolerate this outrage?! 

I’ve been following your blogs for several years, Hon, and am as convinced as ever that your husband is a selfish user who has never treated you with the consideration that you deserve. I realize that you love him and want your relationship to survive but there are some boundaries that must be maintained in order to hang onto one’s self-respect. That date with your husband, his ex-wife and daughters is waaaaay beyond the pale. Time to put your foot down! GRRRRRR…..

WTF is it with these men who think there's nothing wrong with going on a date with the ex?  I don't care if the kids are present.  Call it what it effing is - a date!  I think you should also book a luxury hotel room for the evening of the date. You can tell your fiance since he's so intent on playing family with his ex, you're going make it easy for them to full on play house!  She and the girls can pack jammies and they all can have one big happy family slumber party!!!

Has he figured out what he's done wrong yet? 

SD19 "insisting" is more important than what you need from him? 

Will he still be your fiancé when he gets back?

It took me 8 years and finally saying nope I'm done, and then 3 more years for it to sink in with DH that I was serious. I have finally not seen bm in three years. I had to continually ask after every invite to either DH or "us" Is BM going to be there? At first we agreed just he would go but that quickly got old for him not having anyone "with" him. He finally informed his grown children enough is enough, he won't be associating with her at all unless it is a milestone event.  Now he mostly assumes I'm not going and only asks me if I want to go to the milestone events (weddings etc) I don't and he's fine with it. I'm fine with him going to those few things without me, what I wasn't fine with was him going to every get together they hosted. I did use JRI advice of " how would you feel if I xyz" when DH still felt compelled to pay for some aspect of their get together involving bm. He certainly didn't like the idea of me paying for any part of my kids get togethers with their dad. Just keep re-affirming that it's disrespectful to you as his wife and your marriage. Hopefully if he's a good guy he will finally get it. 

Getting divorced, means whe all can get  along.  If we could get along we would be stilled married.  
He's a selfish loser 

Oh wow. He seriously has no idea why you would be upset about that? Far out how annoying. Enjoy your few nights away and get a nice relaxing massage. I think the idea of pretending to act like a 'complete and happy family' after a divorce is delusional and effed up basically. Especially if you have moved on with someone else and engaged to be remarried. No respect what so ever for you and the excuse for 'doing it for the  children' is crap especially at these ages.

OP, you should invite an ex out to dinner one night at a nice restaurant.... casually mention to your H as you walk out the door that you're off to spend time with your ex and you know he'll be ok with it, since he spends time with his ex..

Watch his reaction hahahaha 

Great job Merrigan! 

When guys say they "wish everyone could get along" it really annoys the shit out of me! 

It's their implication that THEY are the innocent party, being put up on etc....while "these females are fighting over him".

"Caught in the middle" is a similar phrase, and my ex used that one. It's crap. You are not caught in the middle of anything! I am not fighting over you. I'm just extremely disappointed in your failure to stand up to your mini wife daughter, and demand respect for yourself, for me, and for our relationship...

I'm wondering if he's fundamentally stupid or if he's deliberately disrespecting you. How can he not understand that you are not happy  about sitting at a table with a woman he used to shag in a place they used to have their lovey-dovey dates and listening to the four of them reminisce about the good old days? The very idea of that makes me want to boke.

My DH wouldn't be wondering what he did wrong.. I would be telling him.

I have no problem if you want to take your daughter out for a special graduation meal.  I have no problem with you and BM both being at her graduation, but there is zero reason why you need to go out to eat with your EX wife at a place that used to be your go to date night spot.  I don't care if your DD asked you to go together.. she can hear "No.. I'm not going out to eat with your mother".

I actually would have gone to that dinner and made it the most awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved.. probably complain about the food.. talk about our last romantic vacation.. make dismissive comments about BM's line of work when discussing SD's future.. and how excited she must be to leave the  nest.. my shins would probably be sore at the end though.. haha.

Out of curiosity, if it was any other resturant, would you have been ok with it?

For my family, we will get together with my exH, his wife, DH, me and our kids for BIG events in our kids lives. ExH and I never had a "spot" but if we did I don't think that would be a place that would be chosen. We do stand in and show our kids support together though. 

Even though I get mad and vent about my exH and his stupidity and issues that I have, it has always been my #1 priority for my kids to see their dad in a positive way and shield them from feeling that they aren't worth us being able to have a simple dinner to celebrate THEM. It's not about me, it's not about him and it isn't about our current spouses. It's about our kids wanting to have all their family with them for a big event. Some years it might me once or 2X, other years we don't have anything on that level where we would need to be together. At the end of the day though- we will all be that these kids weddings. We will all be grandparents. Like it or not, we are all connected on some level and I am not going to retreat because dad is coming over and I would never expect him to postpone seeing his kids and grandkids one day because of me.

I did this exact same thing.

My daughter graduated from a university that was 5 hours from the area where both her father and I lived. I invited my partner to come along, but he declined due to work. Both our sons attended the college graduation and my daughter requested to have dinner together after the ceremony. This was a mere 2 years after our divorce and I wasn't thrilled, but I did it for her. I even allowed her to have pictures taken with her dad and I on either side of her, with the stipulation that they would not be posted on social media, but were her keepsakes.

I did not enjoy having dinner with my ex, but my daughter was delighted - I did it for her. I will do it again should she ever get married.

I don't want to play happy family. I don't want to be in a relationship with my ex ever again, but I do care for him. Most importantly, I care a great deal for my children. There are a lot of things I would refuse to do, as it pertains to their father, for the sake of my kids. But having a meal with their dad to celebrate on of their accomplishments is something I will do.

I'm sorry this is hurting you and it surely doesn't help matters that it was their former "date night" restaurant. ((hugs))

I'm sorry but if he is doing this for a graduation just wait till the girls get married! I would bet a 1000 bucks he will not only pose for a ton of pics with the ex but sit with her and god knows waht else. Becuase you know those days are for his daughters and its about thier happiness (puke!(

DH is delusional.

Take care of you.