So Effing Bizarre
Had a great secession with my therapist last week - not my circus, not my monkeys - is my mantra. But today is a struggle.
BM has filed for a De Novo after her spanking by the Court Commissioner last month. No surprise there. What is surprising are her now daily "updates" to DH about SD12 after not communicating anything about schooling or healthcare decisions for nearly two years. You would think she is mother of the year with how wonderful SD seems to be doing. In these updates, we get to hear all about how much SD is reading, and shopping, and preparing for back to school. It is all fluff, and BM is including her attorney on all the messages (this is all in OFW). There are some pretty heavy mental health concerns with SD, and she has been out of therapy for over a month - but you would never know it by how glowing BM talks about SD in these daily updates (Oh, only M-F...no weekend updates). According to the former therapist, however, SD is apparently a deeply disturbed young lady. For the record, DH and I have never witnessed firsthand the behaviors the therapist has described, BTW. Former therapist also refuses to communicate with DH, and if she replies to an email he sends, always includes BM on the reply.
DH has been trying to get SD back into therapy, even going along with the former therapists recommendations for outpatient care. After not hearing anything for a few weeks, called both places and were told they were waiting on supporting documents from the former therapist. When he reached out to the former therapist - she said she never received any requests for records....umm, what?
As a test to see how much this new found communication is really working, DH sent a message to BM asking about the emotional and behavorial concerns the former therapist had about SD - ya know....the really important stuff when it comes to the well being of SD. Not so shocking - BOOM! A blameful and indignant reply, not mentioning anything about how SD is actually doing....just jumping to the former therapists defense (I smell a flying monkey here) and how it is really DH fault SD isn't yet accepted to the outpatient program. BM didn't include her attorney on that response.
DH sent the exchange to the GAL. De Novo is in November.
With all that said, DH words are not matching his actions. Part of the MSA was that he was to have a weeknight visit with his daughter. This got sidelined in covid times, and then DH moved a bit further away for his job (a two hour round trip drive). BM has made it very clear in her court motions and appearances that DH isn't taking this time and using it to make him seem like a bad dad *eyeroll*. To me this is an easy fix - start taking his nightly visit. I kindly pointed out to my DH that he is going to need a pretty good excuse to the judge as to why he hasn't taken up his parenting time in the last year, and it might not look very favorably on him if he doesn't. He keeps telling me he is going to ask the BM to start it up again....but that was weeks ago. I cannot fathom why he won't do it.....dare her to day no, basically.
My therapist says to wait.....observe.....so I am observing.....waiting...this is bothering me though. What kind of dad/man keeps finding excuses not to see his own kid - one he is fighting for sole custody for? I cannot get my brain around it. I know DH is struggling with all of this....everything seems like a battle. Every little roadblock seems impossible (the back and forth with the therapist for example) to him and he wants to throw in the towel....can't help but wonder...is he REALLY doing it for his daughter...or because he thinks that is what I want him to do?
Thanks fo reading.
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Comments
While do nothing is always an
While do nothing is always an option....
It is not one I tend to take.
I would rather err while doing something, than doing nothing when the status quo is both unacceptable and idiocy.
If I were DH, I would take every visitation and nail BM with a contempt motion every time se failed to surrender my daughter.
I would keep piling the shit on BM's head and baring her ass.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
Getting SD away from BM as much as possible, and with an effective neutral therapist, seems the way to go to me.
weeknight visit
Unless you live really close, these midweek visits can be almost impossible. Not every non custodial parent can leave work in time to make it feasible. Some people work till five. Get out at five. Drive an hour. Get there at six. If you take the kid out, either to eat or do something, you really have very little time. If the kid is young they need to be in bed at a reasonable time. Older kids have homework to do. It's not usually quality time.
Even if you are picking the kid up for an overnight, pick up at six. Home at seven. Eat and then bed. Up early for drive back to school.
I fully understand why some non custodials would skip them.
I understrand as well.
Just be aware that the CP can potentially leverage that refusal to present themselves in a positive light, and the NCP refusing that visitation in a negative light.
As the CP household, we sure did.
While effectively the SpermClan only had 7 weeks of visitation per year (5 summer, 1winter, 1spring), they also had 10 days in the fall in SS's area of residence with the condition that SS could not miss school.
The SpermClan, never excersized that visitation. Not once in 16+ years.
When the SpermClan would whine about wanting more time, we countered by pointing out the 160 days they never took over the duration of the CO... plus the hundred or so other days they refused. We kept a spreadsheet and could bring to bear the exact number of days they refused at any given moment when they started their whinging.
If we had been the NCP household in our blended family situation, I am sure we would have taken the Fall 10 days and every other day. His mom would have not missed a second with SS.
As the SP, I am a bit more pragmatic and would have not had issue with not taking the Fall 10 days. But, being my DW's partner, we would have never missed a minute of visitation.
they also had 10 days in the
10 days in the fall in the custodial location may be in the CO, but the odds of any long distance non custodial using it are small. Most non custodials get limited vacation time and that time is most often used during extended visitation in the summer. Add in the cost of lodging, food, travel, etc and it probably becomes cost prohibitive. It's there, but it's really not usable.
No doubt it is not make it easy for the lazy to see their kid.
Though not once in 16+ years. Not once attending a special event, not HS graduation, not graduation from USAF BMT, not one promotion ceremony, nothing. Not even one B-day card, Christmas card, etc....
Then they cry and whine about how he will not come visit them as an adult.
No one in the SpermClan has ever tried to be a part of SS's life. They expect him to be a part of theirs. Never have they offered to pay for his plane tickets once he aged out from under the CO. His mom and I always offer to pay for his travel to visit or family vacations. Nope, he won't let us, though we do tend to pay for the joint travel parts of family vacations. He fights with us to let him pay us back. Nope. He ends up paying for the airfare to get to our location and back to where he is stationed. We pay for the rest.
They get what they have earned and shown him how to treat them by how they treat him.
They did not even take all of their visitations in SpermLand. There were a few periods of a year of more that they declined all visitation. Their only burden beyond CS was half of visitation travel costs. CS was only $133/mo. It was not like they were on the hook for huge CS.
Always an excuse, always crying about wanting more time. Nope, not when they would not even take the time they had.
I never felt bad for them. I did feel bad for my kid though. I was the dad that had to hold him while he was upset about them. While we always made sure SS had the facts in order to counter their toxic manipulations, we also worked to calm his hurt when he caught them in lies and was the one to suffer their skeevy crap.