Delusional DH
My DH86 is so delusional about SD62. He believes everything she says. For background, she is on disability and we subsidize her housing expense. I agreed to a certain amount to get her out of here 7 years ago when DH and I separated finances but not one penny more. He has monthly "allowance".
She doesn't manage money well so when she's short, she calls with a sad story and the White Knight runs $ right over. It's disgusting to watch but it's his money and not coming out of the household $.
I predicted to myself that the calls would ramp up in the 6 weeks from late August to early October cuz she has 5 family birthdays, 3 of her gkids and 2 of her kids. Sure enough, he's been hearing about "co-pays" for critical Dr appts, gas money so she can xyz (very important) and life-saving prescriptions running out. It's been every week lately. He's hard of hearing and has his phone on speaker so I hear the convo.
For your entertainment, this is how it went today. (Her son's bday is in 2 days). DH: hi, what's up? SD: (very weak voice) hi, Dad. I have such a bad headache. (explains severity). DH: can you call the doctor? SD: (evasive answer). I need to get my script refilled but I don't have money til tomorrow. (DH tries to get specifics but no luck; starts discussing amount required). SD starts sounding stronger. DH: you're sounding better already. They agree on amount and he takes off.
I'm not looking for advice, just venting. I know it won't end til he dies.
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Oh my goodness! Yours is
Oh my goodness! Yours is delusional too?
NO!!!
If she's on disability then she needs to get some government resources or whatever.
Offer to look over her health coverage and see what medications are covered, some plans offer transportation to appointments at no additional cost, medications can be delivered at no cost, etc.
She sounds like she's juicing the elderly for $$$$ but she should make her signature Baloney sandwiches then go find some unsuspecting single elderly man to finesse not your DH. He should tell her "look I'm giving you $1000/month or whatever which is more than enough and do not dare ask for more. Make it enough!!!"
If I were your DH I would not give her one penny but I would point her to her health insurance plan and government resources.
At this point she's the tax payers responsibility not yours or your husbands.
I don't want to get more involved
This would be a good idea if she were a normal person. But she's so sneaky and secretive that I don't believe anything she says and disengage as much as possible. I have a feeling she has NO copays on Medicaid but maybe I'm wrong. And I have a feeling all her prescriptions are free but I could be wrong there, too. It's all just a scam to get $ from DH and with her creative mind, she'd think up other excuses.
I was just about to say she's
I was just about to say since she's over 65 (and sounds poverty minded) she's probably on Medicare + Medicaid and they Medicaid pick up the tab for just about everything health related Medicare won't cover so ..... its a HIGH probability she's lying about needing money for those things.
I have a feeling you are 100%
I have a feeling you are 100% right on both. If she's low enough income, she won't have any copays or medication costs.
I was on Medicaid when I was
I was on Medicaid when I was pregnant a few years ago, and DD and the skids were also on our state's CHIP program for a couple years. There were NO co-pays, no deductibles, no prescription costs. If she's on Medicaid (as opposed to Medicare, about which I know nothing), she's full of it.
Probably won't end then. He
Probably won't end at death. He might have some life insurance to financially support her posthumously
Just make sure your cut is at least double/triple/quadruple what hers is
EGADS
At the least she could have offered to put your names on the cards.
We send our own cards
We faithfully send our own cards but I'm stopping next year.
Yep yep yep.... the
Yep yep yep.... the sneakiness. I see you and commiserate with you. Little Idiot is exactly the same way. You'll never get the truth about what the money is really needed for unless you dig deeper yourself.
Need money for nails, a outing, a stupid mistake she made? Oh no can't go to DH with THAT story... he might say no.... need a better story....a sob story... a story about why the money is a NECESSITY (and definitely not due to any fault of her own).
Then add in some crocodile tears and guilt tripping for good measure.
Of course DHs never want to ask questions or do any real deep digging so they just open up their wallets. We are just supposed to blindly accept their lies because they want to believe them..,well no I am suspicious. Sorry if I don't have the faith like you do, DH.
Its infuriating, I get it. Little Idiot was the queen of lying to make things look like they were out of her control and she was a victim of circumstance and we needed to help her. But, every time I looked deeper, I found out that there was always more to her story.
EXACTLY
They must be twins! The sad part is, I dont think he even minds it. He grumbles sometimes but when I say anything, he immediately gets defensive about her. I've been sitting here all morning thinking, should I say, "The calls will drop off now that the birthdays are over but will ramp up again before Christmas". But if I did, he'd defend her as "loving mothrr and grandmother". Ok, I undrrstand except that her own kids distance themselves from her (unless oldest daughter needs something) and youngest daughter won't let her be at her house or alone with her kids.
Bottom line is he gets something out of it: a story line to believe in (sickly needy SD vs scheming liar) and himself as savior.
Yup he needs something to
Yup he needs something to believe in. My DH is the same way. Can't ever admit that she is ... sneaky, a liar, a spendthrift, lazy etc.... nope. We need a better story and even if that story has a million holes in it, we're gonna stick our heads firmly in the sand a defend it to the bitter end.
Why? Well in my husbands case I think he sees his daughter as an extension of himself. If she is all these terrible things then it reflects badly on him and he can't accept that. Like she's his daughter do she MUST be like him... moral, hardworking, intelligent etc.... simply because they share some genes and because he taught her.
I haven't been able to get it through his head that yes you told her how to live a good life and yes she has SOME of your traits ... but she's her own person not a clone of you. You have had some effect on her but at the end of the day, she's made up of so much more than the parts you gave her. (I didn't add that he probably did her no favors by never holding her accountable. Maybe instead of insisting she was perfect her whole life he should have worked on correcting the parts she struggled with and maybe she wouldn't be failing college and spending herself into debt).
Since when do these
Since when do these Disneyland parents (with delusions of grandeur) ever hold their "innocent perfect angels" accountable as they should?
Extension of himself
Yes, my DH sees her as an extension of himself. She's his oldest and looks like him plus only daughter. I and the other 4 kids have all tried over the years to open his eyes, no luck. The most he will say is "there have always been sick/crazy people. The hospitals are full of them".
What he gets out of deluding
What he gets out of deluding himself/pretending he's not being fleeced by his grown daughter?
Fuel to his ego -> white knight comes to the rescue -> masculinity restored!
It's so tough
It's so tough when our dear spouses have a person in their lives that they unconditionally love who is untrustworthy and dishonest. You're doing the right thing to acknowledge your DW's feelings.
I had a coworker once who had
I had a coworker once who had one of those endless well of need children. He was also unfortunately married to a woman who had some mental issues.. and even after he finally divorced her.. he was still her servant in many ways.
The girl did have a substance addiction I'm fairly certain.. she married a like minded loser.. they had a child that died.. I'm completely surprised that no one ever pinned the death of the infant on her parent's condition honestly. But this guy had supported her through her 10+ year attempt to get a teaching degree.. but she kept faltering and needing more and more.
The multiple calls a week would be manufactured reasons why she needed money.. When he would try to grow a backbone.. he would get repeat calls from the EX who would harass him till he gave in. Western Union actually shut his ability to transfer money because he exceeded their limit to a single person!
She would call about her "sick rat" and the meds it would need etc.. she would provide reciepts.. but I'm pretty sure she would just return stuff after.. it was sad.
Grifters
These grifters never stop. That "sick rat" story is a new low. I don't think even my SD would have the nerve to use that one. Lol.
He's just got to be the White
He's just got to be the White Knight. It makes me sad to watch my DH chase his kids for their attention (which has been tiny crumbs lately) but at least they don't ask for money.
But when SS was milking DH for everything, i was able to maintain my sanity only by telling myself that the $50 (or whatever the con of the day was) was for DH's happiness. You are smart to have the allowance set up for your DH.
Allowance
The "allowance" has worked well but we only came to that point after endless "emergencies". When she and her ex2 split, she stayed in the house but had no income aside from the hair work she did in the basement. The house was supposed to be sold and her half of all those funds were going to support her til a new Prince Charming arrived to rescue her.
Things got delayed so DH was being hit up for heating bills ("They are going to turn off the heat, Dad!"), car payments, etc etc. Supposedly, these were loans that would be repaid when the house was sold. But, oops, during the closing process, a number of unpaid charges were discovered so if she got anything, it was minimal and for sure, DH got nothing.
So, then, she filed for disability and we heard she'd receive a big payment for the period from filing til it was ultimately approved. By now, she had moved to an apartment but the emergencies continued. DH began to put the "emergencies" on our charge (car repairs, traffic tickets, gifts). These "loans" would be repaid when the big payday came. But oops, when payoff time came, a number of unpaid taxes were discovered so, if she got anything, it was minimal and DH got nothing.
She moved in 8 years ago, a nightmare. I realized we'd be paying x amount to subsidize but it was worth it to get her out after a year. DH agreed to his "no questions asked" allowance with the agreement that nothing else would be charged. It has worked for us. If he chooses to direct his $ to her rather than fun things we do together, like the casino, that's his choice.
Casino $
When we go, he usually still has some $. But if he runs out, he walks around, watches tv, sits on a bench or whatever while I keep playing. His choice.
Meds are usually free for
Meds are usually free for those on Medicaid, as are dr visits. She may be using the money DH gives her on gas and presents, but it's prob because she blew hers on cigs and lord knows what else.
"Lord knows what else"
I'm not the Lord but I know, drugs.
Another vote
For no co pays on Medicaid. It would be fun to casually mention to DH that you just saw a headline pop up that there were no copays for Medicaid... then blame it on cookies.
He would either;
He would either;
1. Sit there staring blankly into middle space and not acknowledge what was said, or
2. Say, "oh well that's a different plan, the one she's on has copays. You're wrong.
Ask me how I know...
The cognitive dissonance
Must be deafening.
How do you know?
Lol. How's Princess Druggie doing nowadays?
Princess Druggie is having
Princess Druggie is having kid #2 in a couple of months. The five time federal felon is the daddy this time. She hasn't been to our house and I haven't heard a word about her. No idea if Guilty DADDDDY is in contact with her or not. She's extremely enmeshed with her older child...is all about how her child looks just like her and she loves the fact that her child idolizes her and wants to be just like her.
When Baby #2 arrives we'll see what happens.
Good luck, Princess Druggie
My experience was that one baby was very doable. I used to tell younger people, if you can handle a dog, you can do one baby. BUT, 2 babies is like one baby times 500. Good luck, Princess Druggie.
It's so bizarre how otherwise
It's so bizarre how otherwise very intelligent men can believe such obvious lies.
You're right, it never ends. I laugh when I see people posting that they can't wait until their stepkid turns 18.
I laugh, too
Us poor Stepparents, people counting the days. I kind of undrrstand the end of court-ordered child support but the rest doesn't end.