One month since SS left
Hello everyone
one month since my SS14 left the house to live with noncustodial BM. He left his dad, twin brother everyone without telling anything. Now he and BM ask for money and SS sends threats to his dad and other nasty things. DH is heartbroken and stressed out. Step children never give me any prace even when one is away. DH is all about the other son now. He gave him a room that was supposed to be given to our bio daughter, he tries to spend all his free time with him, he lets him do anything he wants. Now he even says that for family vacation he is not coming unless his son is coming with us. Vacation is planned in the middle of the school and he even agrees to let the son miss 2 weeks of school just so he can go with us and not be here alone with grandfather. If SS goes our vacation will cost us tons of money unless we choose a two star resort. Im so tired of this. I don't want to have a vacation together with SS. He hates me, doesn't talk to me much, he said to my daughter that he doesn't love her etc. I am respectful to him and keeping my distance, disengaged. Why now since the first one left, all my life has to be dependent on step children. It didn't make it much easier that he left. My husband is stressed out, we can't do things together as we used to, he is all about the other son. I can't suddenly become a loving step mom who wants to care and spent all my time with step son, it's impossible. So of course I told him I don't want to go on vacation all together, I do my best but we can't act like we are a normal traditional family. Am I doing smth wrong here? Should I be a better support to my husband during this uneasy time? I don't know. Im ready to go on vacation just with my daughter and he doesn't mind. Crazy.
If you originally planned to
If you originally planned to take the vacation just you, your DH, and your bio kid, and DH says he won't go unless SS goes.....can you and your child just go? It might be nice.
Thank you for your reply
Thank you for your reply
I think that's what is going to happen, DH doesn't mind us going without him. But I really wanted to have all three of us on vacation. Me and my four year old only is kinda sad
Since DH is an idiot... ask him why he took vacations with SS
prior to you and your joint child entering the picture?
Time for DH to get clairity that his bandoning of his wife and young child because of his idiocy is... idiocy.
Start planning trips that are exactly the type of thing DH and SS like to do. Then leave them at home and share the amazing time you and your DK are having.
Keep rubbing DH's nose in his crap.
Or better yet, nails his ass for shit ton of CS and get your kid as far from the shallow and polluted in of his gene pool as possible.
I'm curious about which son
I'm curious about which son he is talking about.. the one that left.. or the one still living with you? (I thought there are twins?).
Personally, I feel family vacations should include all minor kids.. if they are "major" vacations.. for small weekend outings like to a pumpkin festival... etc.. that is diferent.
That being said, I would not necessarily say that he brings a child who he is actively estranged from... aka.. the one that left to go to BM's.
It also would be vital that he take the lead on keeping his older son in line if he goes..
At this point.. is there any way to change the timing of the vacation so he doesn't miss school though? Again.. not a huge fan of hammering home the fact that his sons aren't "family"... though it is on their dad's head to make them be respectful of you.
Technically ss is dh's son,
Technically ss is dh's son, and DH is responsible for his share of expenses for him son... so even if ss is with BM, DH should pay something towards the raising of his son.
I hope you do choose to take your child on vacation, just to get away from these stressful situation for just a bit
that's a hard situation to be in
I would ask you to ask your DH to fix the issues. You said SS told your DD that he doesn't love her, that should have been handled by DH! And maybe when the other kid is with his mom, you 3 can go on a vacation.
I will say that telling a
I will say that telling a sibling you don't love them while hurtful.. is honestly a super common thing to happen. My OSD would tell her little sister she hated her constantly.. I found stories she wrote saying she wished someone would kidnap her..
And.. they still loved each other.. but the younger one did get on the older's ever loving last nerve sometimes.. and kids get jealous of each other.. even older and more"mature" (term used loosely).. will say horrible things sometimes..
But I also try to remember that "hurt people hurt people".. often people who say things like that are really hurting underneath and it may come off as anger.. but there can be some real underlying insecurities and hurt feelings.. so that in itself while it should not be encouraged.. or allowed to go without rebuke.. is not cause to ban a kid from a home.
This is sooo true! I would
This is sooo true! I would tell my sister all the time that I hated her. As much as I "hated" her, I really loved her.
Maybe DH should explain to her that it is hurtful to her sister to hear that, and maybe tell her that she can say that she's angry/ frustrated/ upset with her, but to please leave the word "hate" out of it.
While i'm not religious now, but I used to be, but there is verse really did change the way I thought about the word "hate". The Bible explained that when you say you hate someone, you are saying that wish wish that they would die, or at the vet least you wish them to suffer greatly. And not just a small amount of suffering, the worst thing that you could imagine, you wish that upon them. That's what it means to hate someone. I've never "HATED" anyone that much. I have been angry, hurt, frustrated, with someone. I have disliked someone greatly... but to truly hate someone, the way that the word has been described? I've never felt that in my life. Maybe if someone explained it to get that way, she'd see how much that word hurts.
A very hard situation
Your DH is doing the classic "I lost one kid I will do what it takes to not lose the other one". The skids that stick around with daddio become emotional terrorists. Drunk on their newfound power. And they dont really understand all the dynamics because their little brains are still trying to cope with the normal growth of teenagerdome.
That sucks for him, but you still need to be the sane parent to your young child. Siblings always seem to pound on each other and then get close (hopefully) later on. IDK, Im childless myself. What I DO know is that this time with your young daughter is precious, so my advice is to take that vacation with her - make those memories because they grow up too fast and pretty soon you realize you put everything on the back burner in favor of your partner and HIS kids, and have nothing to show for it.
I understand your skids are jerks. Your partner is having a rough time. Focus on your bio and make that a really really great vacation with her.