The way I did it was hard on me. I did not let it show and only talked about the situation with my closest friends.This forum was my place to vent. Since DH was putting me second, I didn't see that it would do me any good to point out the disrespect and silent treatment I got from SD. SD's behavior was directed at both of us with me getting the brunt. It took 15 years of this for him to have enough and lay down boundaries. I'd think about fairy tales I'd read in childhood and the book "A Little Princess." It took a toll on my life and marriage. I don't recommend the way I dealt with it. I am kind of proud of the restraint and grace I exercised when I wanted to scream and tell them both off. I acted like a lady. I'm still in recovery from the abuse too.
Abuse is exactly what it is. I had similar passive agressive behavior towards me and everyone excused their bad behavior. The one time I directly talked to them and defended myself- not yelling but telling them "you have told yourslef these lies for so long you believe them. This is not what happened." It fell on deaf ears and they just sunk further into their own lies and behavior towards me. Now by one of the SKIDs I am treated coldly, indifferently and less than the way you would treat a stranger. I have moments where I feel bad about the treatment however it's allowed me not to care. Truly. It's been very good- I am nice, polite and I walk away if I believe the behavior is disrespectful, dishonest or lacks integrity. The recovery though is slow Marianne AND it is abuse, 100% the case.
You got some great advice on the blog you posted. Just assume your adult daughter was raised poorly, has a guilty father who will never stand up to her because he's afraid to. Ignore her the best you can. You said she's very passive aggressive so your DH will always choose the easy way out...not seeing things the way they really are when she makes a back handed comment. Save yourself the aggravation.
Thanks. Yeah even when I call her out sometimes to him he chooses not to see it. She acts like I'm really not even there. She responds but only when she has to. Sometimes she's overly nice. It's hard to ignore sometimes. I hope it gets easier with time . I feel she resents me too bc her moms not here . I just think this whole family chooses to not see things. It' feels like the twilight zone sometimes. If that makes sense
Zero tolerance, instant public ass baring ridicule and embarassment, and tolerate no crap. Also, demand that your SO have your back and confront his toxic failed family kidult spawn as he would any adult who is disrespectful to his mate.
If he won't, find a person with balls and character who will actually be your equity life partner.
How to deal with them? Don't. My SS was never rude or passive aggressive but he was and still is a liar. I helped raise him. I took him in and did all the mom things that BM didn't want to do. He SAID that he thought of me as his mother. He didn't act like it. He treated me like a polite stranger while expecting me to fall all over myself to play grandma to his spawn. I never did fall all over myself to do so. Had I done that, then no doubt the She-Devil known as his wife would have started drama, accusing me of trying to take over.
So interesting...I have a She-Devil daughter in law too but now that I have stepped away entirely she's exacting her toxicity on the SKID and he's become extremely miserable - level 10 misery. I watch from the sidelines very far away. Maybe this is a bit of karma for him ? One will never know but I have much less responsibiltiy and I don't have to do the things I used to do for them. :D
Yep. Watching from the sidelines...I am certain someone will try to pull me back in for scapegoat material. I won't let it happen. Ignore and repeat. :D
I am luckier than some in that my skids are generally polite. Not always and definite some passive aggressive behavior. My bigger problem was DH.
He had to be the knight in shining armor, the savior, the friend-dad, chasing after their crumbs of attention. Nauseating, frankly. Finally I gave him the choice of being my full time spouse or not being my spouse at all. He knew I had the means to leave and would.
Change was slow but once he started to see how HE was treating me, he stepped up and fixed it. He hasn't seen his kids for a year and a half, makes noises about missing them so much, but does nothing about it. Last time he whined about it I reminded him that they are welcome to visit us any time and he is welcome to visit them on his own. I am not the cruise director and will not be coordinating. Nada.
People are right: the passive aggressive bs IS abusive. I've always taken the higher ground in order to not make waves. They depended (and continue to depend) on that. At one point, I drew the line and made a new rule: No one is treating me like dirt in my own house; therefore, DH, go visit them elsewhere. Slowly, they crept back in, though--one more than the other. It's incredible to me that grown adults can spend so much energy trying to hurt someone else's feelings. Me? Again, I'm at the point AGAIN of shutting the door, only this time for good. It takes a heartfelt conversation (again) with my DH. Can you create distance from them? Do they live nearby? Can you avoid the scoundrels? Forever? Either that or confront them. I don't know what else to do. I don't let anyone else behave in an abusive manner to me.
I feel the same. One SKID who likes to be the victim does not come over (thankfully), the other is being sort of decent and does come over but I make DH do the entertaining. I expect a call ahead of time and right to say no- they are NEVER welcome here without someone around- absolutely NO. I agree, the DHs of the world can take them to a resturant or go to the park or elsewhere - your home is your sanctuary. <3
It sounds like me now. I used to have an open house but now after some things that have happened I'm more boundaried. One step kid always acts like the victim. It's so annoying bc the passive aggressive comments are there too. My DH does go to somethings without me now. I'm grateful for that.
Yep. We have finally came to the same conclusions about all this - we're stepping aside and they have to be INVITED guests to the house. The passive agressive crap, I literally can't stand. A few years ago, that same victim-minded kid made some terrible sad crappy comment after I slaved over a meal for the holidays and I wanted to wring his neck. I was PISSED. After he made the comment everyone fell silent and then we drifted towards another conversation. I was furious - but after that I began my steps towards disengagement and I have to constantly remind myself (DAILY) - I am important and I need to focus on me. Lets these adult SKIDs go on their unhappy way and don't try to fix a thing. Some days are harder than others.
As do you really want to spend 15 years to make a point. By the time he sees you are wright. Your marriage is dead.. your life is ruined.. and what the prize you get . There is a time to cut your losses,,
Getting through it
The way I did it was hard on me. I did not let it show and only talked about the situation with my closest friends.This forum was my place to vent. Since DH was putting me second, I didn't see that it would do me any good to point out the disrespect and silent treatment I got from SD. SD's behavior was directed at both of us with me getting the brunt. It took 15 years of this for him to have enough and lay down boundaries. I'd think about fairy tales I'd read in childhood and the book "A Little Princess." It took a toll on my life and marriage. I don't recommend the way I dealt with it. I am kind of proud of the restraint and grace I exercised when I wanted to scream and tell them both off. I acted like a lady. I'm still in recovery from the abuse too.
Abuse is exactly what it is.
Abuse is exactly what it is. I had similar passive agressive behavior towards me and everyone excused their bad behavior. The one time I directly talked to them and defended myself- not yelling but telling them "you have told yourslef these lies for so long you believe them. This is not what happened." It fell on deaf ears and they just sunk further into their own lies and behavior towards me. Now by one of the SKIDs I am treated coldly, indifferently and less than the way you would treat a stranger. I have moments where I feel bad about the treatment however it's allowed me not to care. Truly. It's been very good- I am nice, polite and I walk away if I believe the behavior is disrespectful, dishonest or lacks integrity. The recovery though is slow Marianne AND it is abuse, 100% the case.
You got some great advice on
You got some great advice on the blog you posted. Just assume your adult daughter was raised poorly, has a guilty father who will never stand up to her because he's afraid to. Ignore her the best you can. You said she's very passive aggressive so your DH will always choose the easy way out...not seeing things the way they really are when she makes a back handed comment. Save yourself the aggravation.
Thanks. Yeah even when I call
Thanks. Yeah even when I call her out sometimes to him he chooses not to see it. She acts like I'm really not even there. She responds but only when she has to. Sometimes she's overly nice. It's hard to ignore sometimes. I hope it gets easier with time . I feel she resents me too bc her moms not here . I just think this whole family chooses to not see things. It' feels like the twilight zone sometimes. If that makes sense
They are adults. Deal with them as you would any toxic adult.
Zero tolerance, instant public ass baring ridicule and embarassment, and tolerate no crap. Also, demand that your SO have your back and confront his toxic failed family kidult spawn as he would any adult who is disrespectful to his mate.
If he won't, find a person with balls and character who will actually be your equity life partner.
How to deal with them? Don't
How to deal with them? Don't. My SS was never rude or passive aggressive but he was and still is a liar. I helped raise him. I took him in and did all the mom things that BM didn't want to do. He SAID that he thought of me as his mother. He didn't act like it. He treated me like a polite stranger while expecting me to fall all over myself to play grandma to his spawn. I never did fall all over myself to do so. Had I done that, then no doubt the She-Devil known as his wife would have started drama, accusing me of trying to take over.
So interesting...I have a She
So interesting...I have a She-Devil daughter in law too but now that I have stepped away entirely she's exacting her toxicity on the SKID and he's become extremely miserable - level 10 misery. I watch from the sidelines very far away. Maybe this is a bit of karma for him ? One will never know but I have much less responsibiltiy and I don't have to do the things I used to do for them. :D
Oh yes!!! When we take
Oh yes!!! When we take ourselves out of the picture they always turn on each other!!
Yep. Watching from the
Yep. Watching from the sidelines...I am certain someone will try to pull me back in for scapegoat material. I won't let it happen. Ignore and repeat. :D
I am luckier than some in
I am luckier than some in that my skids are generally polite. Not always and definite some passive aggressive behavior. My bigger problem was DH.
He had to be the knight in shining armor, the savior, the friend-dad, chasing after their crumbs of attention. Nauseating, frankly. Finally I gave him the choice of being my full time spouse or not being my spouse at all. He knew I had the means to leave and would.
Change was slow but once he started to see how HE was treating me, he stepped up and fixed it. He hasn't seen his kids for a year and a half, makes noises about missing them so much, but does nothing about it. Last time he whined about it I reminded him that they are welcome to visit us any time and he is welcome to visit them on his own. I am not the cruise director and will not be coordinating. Nada.
People are right: the passive
People are right: the passive aggressive bs IS abusive. I've always taken the higher ground in order to not make waves. They depended (and continue to depend) on that. At one point, I drew the line and made a new rule: No one is treating me like dirt in my own house; therefore, DH, go visit them elsewhere. Slowly, they crept back in, though--one more than the other.
It's incredible to me that grown adults can spend so much energy trying to hurt someone else's feelings.
Me? Again, I'm at the point AGAIN of shutting the door, only this time for good. It takes a heartfelt conversation (again) with my DH.
Can you create distance from them? Do they live nearby? Can you avoid the scoundrels? Forever? Either that or confront them. I don't know what else to do. I don't let anyone else behave in an abusive manner to me.
I feel the same. One SKID who
I feel the same. One SKID who likes to be the victim does not come over (thankfully), the other is being sort of decent and does come over but I make DH do the entertaining. I expect a call ahead of time and right to say no- they are NEVER welcome here without someone around- absolutely NO. I agree, the DHs of the world can take them to a resturant or go to the park or elsewhere - your home is your sanctuary. <3
It sounds like me now. I used
It sounds like me now. I used to have an open house but now after some things that have happened I'm more boundaried. One step kid always acts like the victim. It's so annoying bc the passive aggressive comments are there too. My DH does go to somethings without me now. I'm grateful for that.
Yep. We have finally came to
Yep. We have finally came to the same conclusions about all this - we're stepping aside and they have to be INVITED guests to the house. The passive agressive crap, I literally can't stand. A few years ago, that same victim-minded kid made some terrible sad crappy comment after I slaved over a meal for the holidays and I wanted to wring his neck. I was PISSED. After he made the comment everyone fell silent and then we drifted towards another conversation. I was furious - but after that I began my steps towards disengagement and I have to constantly remind myself (DAILY) - I am important and I need to focus on me. Lets these adult SKIDs go on their unhappy way and don't try to fix a thing. Some days are harder than others.
This is the first day or the rest of your life.
As do you really want to spend 15 years to make a point. By the time he sees you are wright. Your marriage is dead.. your life is ruined.. and what the prize you get . There is a time to cut your losses,,