Coming to terms with it
Ok so I cried my eyes out for 3 days to the point I looked like it got hit in the eyes with a bag of nickels and my face was raw from all the tears.
Hes not a bad person just I don't think I can live with his kids (every weekend is MORE than enough) if he decided to do full custody and I want to just go ahead and exit before it ever gets to that point and even though he's been making changes I'm not certain the positive changes will last before one of his kids or his ex has an "emergency", their "needs" come first, and im pushed to the back burner/called selfish if I object. Plus since my kid is about the leave the nest (off to college) I was hoping he'd want more couples time that he claimed to want but instead he wanted more parenting time which would decrease the quality of my life considering the lifestyle I want (while I'd be open to obligating my self to kid we share if we ever made it that far, I did not want to sacrifice and obligate myself/my resources/etc heavily to step kids with minimal to no home training that I have no authority over)
I think I have come to terms with leaving but I am struggling with the timing of when/how to tell him.
We have had multiple conversations about possibly ending this but not actually ending it. He does seem to be in ignorant bliss possibly because he doesn't think I'll actually go through with it but the deposit has already been paid and movers about to be hired.
He claims if things did end we could do it amicably so I suppose I can take his word on that and based on that I do want to give him a bit of notice (because I will feel guilt if I think I've blindsided him) however I'm finding ... there never seems to be a good time ....
I think I may need to request time off during workweek so I can move without him or his kids here on the weekend
ugggghhhhh!!!!!
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only you know his patterns
only you know his patterns and whether he's talking but not actually following through. and only you know if that is something you can life with for a nother month or a year or a lifetime.
go with your gut.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Leading up to and actual move out day will probably be a clusterf*ck of emotions (most likely me crying like a weak b*tch) so I apologize in advance if I blow up the blogs in upcoming days.
Im probably going to ask my therapist if I can meet twice a week for a bit so I hold it together.
Cognitive dissonance is hitting me hard again.
You're not weak for crying
This has to be very difficult for you! But I admire how you're able to maintain logical about what the probability of something happening is, and I do believe from a logical standpoint myself, that you are indeed doing the correct thing. If he doesn't have a good handle on how he parents, it will annoy tf out of you, and those kids will eventually catch on to the fact that it's you that doesn't want them around, not necessarily their dad, and that may make YOU a target. At least now, you can have a sanctuary that is yours. If you choose to keep the relationship going, at least you have your own space free of stepkid crap.
If you choose to keep the
Yes! I never thought about me being a target if they realize my reluctance to host them more.
I think having my own space is best. Not sure if we will continue but yes no more pressure to do step kids stuff or sacrifice for them if I don't want to.
There has never been a "we" much less one that should continue.
He has never been all in or worthy of you.
Get upset, cry, but gird your loins and get on with YOUR best life. That cannot and should not include him in any way IMHO. Move out, get your attorney to lock up your share in the home, sell it, and block all communication except via your lawyer.
You have no children with him. There is zero reason for any continued interface. At all.
When you are waffling, put yourself back in the never ending misery cycle HE has forced you through by his lack of balls, failed partner status, non-man status, and failed parent status. HE did these things. You have not.
The odds of a happy resolution if you stay together are slim and none. It will not happen. You will be the sacrifice if this shit storm relationship continues at all.
Do not sacrifice one more skin cell on the sacrificial alter of martyrdom to this POS non man and his baggage.
USE YOUR HEAD!!! Stop with the fee fees.
IMHO of course.
((((Hugs))))
When you are waffling, put
Im going to re-read this when I start waffling
Thanks for the virtual hugs. I definitely need it.
This whole thing has also led
This whole thing has also led me to some self reflection...on things I could have done better too.
I realized I should have done therapy sooner, communicated my needs before it built up with anger, been more patient and not just ready to give up at the first disagreement
one thing I noticed about healthy couples was they never talked trash about their partners to others even when frustrated ( I regret doing that ) and they learned to compromised on certain things
well .... I'll be better person at the end of this tunnel
Unfortunately, there is never
Unfortunately, there is never a "good time" to break up.
Do you have an actual move in date for your new place?
I can see wanting to be "nice" and give him the heads up that in X days.. you will no longer be helping him with the bills etc.. (hope none are in your name). If you do that though.. you have to accept that he may not be as amicable as he said he would be and you may have to leave right then and there.. be prepared for that. make sure you have already removed any irreplaceable items ahead of you telling him.
I think you will be better off doing the move without them around.
Yes my move in date is end on
Yes my move in date is end on November. Deposit is already paid so it's on go time.
You're right I wanted to tell him so he can prepare to pay certain bills without me....none of the major ones are in my name
I agree he may not be as amicable as he said if it's absolute that I'm leaving.
I'll see if I can schedule the move on a weekday vs weekend when he's off/they're here.
I advise that you not tell him until after you have moved
you and all of your things out.
Then, call the utility companies, internet, cable, etc... companies and have yourself removed from those accounts. If necessary, close them and he can go open them in his name only.
He cannot and should not be a consideration at this point. Consider you, and only you.
Thank you rags.
Thank you rags.
This is what my family who is helping me fund this move is saying. Just focus on myself.
My WNF is offering to pay for a hotel for me to stay for a couple of weeks until the apartment is ready....which now pushes the move out day to possibly next week instead of end of the month, so I won't have to deal with the uncomfortable Thanksgiving if I stay until end of nov
Be kind to you.
Move now. Leave them to figure out how to cook Hungry Man Turkey Dinners for themselves. Clear out the frig and freezer before you leave and stock your apartment for feasting in your own calm space.
Yep ... I'm going to add
Not the hungry man dinners with 3000 calories and sodium for days .....*ROFL*
Yep ... I'm going to add cooler + my grocery items to the packing list
My fridge in my new place is nice! I can't wait to grocery shop and use my kitchen on weekends without bumping into skids taking over the kitchen area 3+ times a day.
Yep, those Hungry Man dinners.
I cried, too
I cried before, during and after I left my ex. It's an emotional time but you, like me, know you're doing the right thing for yourself.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your experience
Knowing that these range of emotions is normal is comforting
Breakups are hard.
My sob fest during my divorce was when I went to see Pretty Woman (when it was first released) alone for a matinee. Not sure why, it was a feel good story and my marriage was done.
Even now, more than 30 years later, Pretty Woman can still choke me up a bit.
Interestingly, I married a Julia Robers look alike when I married my incredible bride of 29+ years and counting. Not on purpose. It just worked out that way.
Grieve, but keep your grieving and healing separate from your exit and moving on.
Grieve, but keep your
Noted.
Thank you for sharing your story. That's awesome you steped out from your divorce on faith and something/someone meaningful to you entered your life.
I had a date for that night as my XW and XFIL drove off with
her stuff from the home we had bought together 3mos earlier.
The locksmith van pulled into my drive way to re-key the locks as XW and XFIL were about half way down the block on their way out.
The next AM my XW was banging on the door. I answered the door wrapped in a towel. and kept the storm/security door locked. She was yelling that her key did not work. I told her she no longer lived there and if she wanted to come back to get anything she had to call ahead. She then got bug eyed and very quiet when a beautiful blonde walked up behind me wrapped in a bed sheet. The blonde and I had dated about a year before XW and I got engaged. XW was knocked up by her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy when she left. My give a shit about her fee fees was zero. And declined from there for the next 5mos before the divorce was final as the extent of her cheating was uncovered, etc......
I never let her back in the house because she would not call ahead.
I wasted no time in starting to heal and rediscovering the person I liked being. I met my incredible bride a little more than 3yrs after my divorce was final. We married nearly 4yrs to the day after my divorce was final. I dated quite a bit starting the night my XW moved out and for the next 3 years. Women that I enjoyed spending time with but none who were partner material. Then within a few months I met and started dating 4 women who each were incredible and were people I could have easily seen myself with long term. DW was the 4th of those women. I knew within a week that she and I were right. So did she. Though I did struggle with regrowing the balls to marry again. Dad cured me of that struggle. It had nothing to do with my incredible bride. It had to do with my baggage from my first marriage. My biggest regret of my marriage to my incredible bride is the baggage I was still dealing with 4yrs post divorce and for the first couple years. That was more of a risk to our marriage than DW bringing a toddler and the toxic SpermClan baggage. I am blessed that she tolerated it and we were able to work it out.
Enjoy your happines. Enjoy purging the baggage, and be good to you.
Work your healing in a way that brings you joy.
Get-r-done!!!
Love your story Rags!
I am grareful you are here sharing your story, experience, and lessons learned, Mr. Rags!
Thanks SU. It was no master plan.I just committed to recovering
and adjusted if a decision I made was not returning what I wanted from it. or if a situation unfolded that I felt needed to be addressed.
I guess I am fortunate that the hurt and pain I was able to compartmentalize and deal with it fairly independently of the rest of my daily life. When I hurt, I would fully dive into it, but I would not beat myself up. I knew it was over and I never let myself waver on that.
He's a big boy
No need to soften the landing for him. Believe me if things were reversed, he would not be giving you ANY consideration or advance notice.
Just because he wants to spend time
With his kids doesn't make him a bad person. It's makes him a good father. You are not a bad person for not wanting to deal with SK .. THE EX and all what goes with it . It's just not the right fit for you. You need a man without kids. Who a man who can put his all in your relationship. Nothing wrong with this. The ex had it. You should too.
It's makes him a good father.
I kind of question that given the fact of how many times he's tried to dump them off on me or this house just so he could have them "in his possession" but not actually spend time with them
Most weekends he just lays around the house while his daughter begs to go elsewhere (because she's tired of just laying around the house) and his son addictively games all day n night.
He teaches them nothing while there here. No life lessons, no work ethic, no character building, no spiritual development, no extracurriculars, no home training. Unless I say something to him about this.
He let his son fail a grade and has already told his kids they weren't going to college (I get different strokes for different folks but why not give them the option)
Both of his kids are obese and out of shape.
He cares to the extent of not having to pay his ex wife money, trying to compete with her as the "better" parent, and using them as "extensions" of himself that feed his ego & give him mini-spouse treatment
The only thing I would say about him trying to be a good dad is he has his own daddy issues and doesn't want them to grow up completely fatherless like he did.
oh well not my problem to deal with anymore. You're right Harry just two people who are not compatible.
If only spending time with a child is all it took to be a good
parent.
STalk is full of situations where a CP with overwhelming parenting time is a shit parent.
For me it is about specifics of behavior and discernable performance as a parent. Though not necessarily common, there are any number of NCPs who live a distance from their COD children who are truly quality parents and deliver a high quality example and high quality parenting to their children even with limited visitation. Those kids are fortunate.
A close family friend of my parents was a divorced dad. He had custody of his son, his XW had custody of his daughter who was a couple of years younger than the son. He remarried, and he and his wife raised his son. They got custody of his daughter when she was in her early teens.
The daughter and the son have done great as adults. Mom, was into cults, communes, and plural adult relationships. The son was visiting mom at her commune and ended up taking his sister, hiking away from the commune, and calling the dad from a gas station about 5miles from teh commune gate as the dad was boarding his flight back home out of BM's state. Dad called a lawyer on his way to pick up his kids at the gas station, they had the police and CPS at the Gas Station when dad was getting his kids and got an emergency custody order for Dad to take the daughter. He took the son as well and there were very few visitations with BM after that.
Before then, BM had significant though long distance visitatio with the son. After that.... she was pretty much out of the picture.
When the son bought his first home with his own wife and was graduating from University everyone showed up for his graduation. His BM was in his house, and within a very short time had alienated everyone including her own father who escorted his BM daughter out of his GrandSon's house.
In that case, time did not equate to BM being a good mother. Either to the one she had custody of or to the one who she had visitation rights to.
I guess, quality as a parent is one of things that is known when it is seen.
Proud of you, tears are normal
Having a "Feelings Festival" is 100% normal. One day you will look back on this time and be amazed at all you endured, and at all you accomplished during this HEAVY and SUSTAINED stress load. It's a LOT yet here you are, today, putting one foot in front if the other and continuing to take the next logical steps, one by one, toward freedom.
I for one look forward to all your posts! Very grateful for the support and wisdom our StepTalk community provides... a true God-send!
(((HUGS)))
Thank you StepUltimate. I
Thank you StepUltimate. I look forward to your posts too
and yes I'm am thankful for the community here. And the virtual hugs!