Coming to terms with it
Ok so I cried my eyes out for 3 days to the point I looked like it got hit in the eyes with a bag of nickels and my face was raw from all the tears.
Hes not a bad person just I don't think I can live with his kids (every weekend is MORE than enough) if he decided to do full custody and I want to just go ahead and exit before it ever gets to that point and even though he's been making changes I'm not certain the positive changes will last before one of his kids or his ex has an "emergency", their "needs" come first, and im pushed to the back burner/called selfish if I object. Plus since my kid is about the leave the nest (off to college) I was hoping he'd want more couples time that he claimed to want but instead he wanted more parenting time which would decrease the quality of my life considering the lifestyle I want (while I'd be open to obligating my self to kid we share if we ever made it that far, I did not want to sacrifice and obligate myself/my resources/etc heavily to step kids with minimal to no home training that I have no authority over)
I think I have come to terms with leaving but I am struggling with the timing of when/how to tell him.
We have had multiple conversations about possibly ending this but not actually ending it. He does seem to be in ignorant bliss possibly because he doesn't think I'll actually go through with it but the deposit has already been paid and movers about to be hired.
He claims if things did end we could do it amicably so I suppose I can take his word on that and based on that I do want to give him a bit of notice (because I will feel guilt if I think I've blindsided him) however I'm finding ... there never seems to be a good time ....
I think I may need to request time off during workweek so I can move without him or his kids here on the weekend
ugggghhhhh!!!!!
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only you know his patterns
only you know his patterns and whether he's talking but not actually following through. and only you know if that is something you can life with for a nother month or a year or a lifetime.
go with your gut.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Leading up to and actual move out day will probably be a clusterf*ck of emotions (most likely me crying like a weak b*tch) so I apologize in advance if I blow up the blogs in upcoming days.
Im probably going to ask my therapist if I can meet twice a week for a bit so I hold it together.
Cognitive dissonance is hitting me hard again.
You're not weak for crying
This has to be very difficult for you! But I admire how you're able to maintain logical about what the probability of something happening is, and I do believe from a logical standpoint myself, that you are indeed doing the correct thing. If he doesn't have a good handle on how he parents, it will annoy tf out of you, and those kids will eventually catch on to the fact that it's you that doesn't want them around, not necessarily their dad, and that may make YOU a target. At least now, you can have a sanctuary that is yours. If you choose to keep the relationship going, at least you have your own space free of stepkid crap.
If you choose to keep the
Yes! I never thought about me being a target if they realize my reluctance to host them more.
I think having my own space is best. Not sure if we will continue but yes no more pressure to do step kids stuff or sacrifice for them if I don't want to.
When you are waffling, put
Im going to re-read this when I start waffling
Thanks for the virtual hugs. I definitely need it.
This whole thing has also led
This whole thing has also led me to some self reflection...on things I could have done better too.
I realized I should have done therapy sooner, communicated my needs before it built up with anger, been more patient and not just ready to give up at the first disagreement
one thing I noticed about healthy couples was they never talked trash about their partners to others even when frustrated ( I regret doing that ) and they learned to compromised on certain things
well .... I'll be better person at the end of this tunnel
Unfortunately, there is never
Unfortunately, there is never a "good time" to break up.
Do you have an actual move in date for your new place?
I can see wanting to be "nice" and give him the heads up that in X days.. you will no longer be helping him with the bills etc.. (hope none are in your name). If you do that though.. you have to accept that he may not be as amicable as he said he would be and you may have to leave right then and there.. be prepared for that. make sure you have already removed any irreplaceable items ahead of you telling him.
I think you will be better off doing the move without them around.
Yes my move in date is end on
Yes my move in date is end on November. Deposit is already paid so it's on go time.
You're right I wanted to tell him so he can prepare to pay certain bills without me....none of the major ones are in my name
I agree he may not be as amicable as he said if it's absolute that I'm leaving.
I'll see if I can schedule the move on a weekday vs weekend when he's off/they're here.
Thank you rags.
Thank you rags.
This is what my family who is helping me fund this move is saying. Just focus on myself.
My WNF is offering to pay for a hotel for me to stay for a couple of weeks until the apartment is ready....which now pushes the move out day to possibly next week instead of end of the month, so I won't have to deal with the uncomfortable Thanksgiving if I stay until end of nov
Yep ... I'm going to add
Not the hungry man dinners with 3000 calories and sodium for days .....*ROFL*
Yep ... I'm going to add cooler + my grocery items to the packing list
My fridge in my new place is nice! I can't wait to grocery shop and use my kitchen on weekends without bumping into skids taking over the kitchen area 3+ times a day.
I cried, too
I cried before, during and after I left my ex. It's an emotional time but you, like me, know you're doing the right thing for yourself.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your experience
Knowing that these range of emotions is normal is comforting
Grieve, but keep your
Noted.
Thank you for sharing your story. That's awesome you steped out from your divorce on faith and something/someone meaningful to you entered your life.
Love your story Rags!
I am grareful you are here sharing your story, experience, and lessons learned, Mr. Rags!
He's a big boy
No need to soften the landing for him. Believe me if things were reversed, he would not be giving you ANY consideration or advance notice.
Just because he wants to spend time
With his kids doesn't make him a bad person. It's makes him a good father. You are not a bad person for not wanting to deal with SK .. THE EX and all what goes with it . It's just not the right fit for you. You need a man without kids. Who a man who can put his all in your relationship. Nothing wrong with this. The ex had it. You should too.
It's makes him a good father.
I kind of question that given the fact of how many times he's tried to dump them off on me or this house just so he could have them "in his possession" but not actually spend time with them
Most weekends he just lays around the house while his daughter begs to go elsewhere (because she's tired of just laying around the house) and his son addictively games all day n night.
He teaches them nothing while there here. No life lessons, no work ethic, no character building, no spiritual development, no extracurriculars, no home training. Unless I say something to him about this.
He let his son fail a grade and has already told his kids they weren't going to college (I get different strokes for different folks but why not give them the option)
Both of his kids are obese and out of shape.
He cares to the extent of not having to pay his ex wife money, trying to compete with her as the "better" parent, and using them as "extensions" of himself that feed his ego & give him mini-spouse treatment
The only thing I would say about him trying to be a good dad is he has his own daddy issues and doesn't want them to grow up completely fatherless like he did.
oh well not my problem to deal with anymore. You're right Harry just two people who are not compatible.
Proud of you, tears are normal
Having a "Feelings Festival" is 100% normal. One day you will look back on this time and be amazed at all you endured, and at all you accomplished during this HEAVY and SUSTAINED stress load. It's a LOT yet here you are, today, putting one foot in front if the other and continuing to take the next logical steps, one by one, toward freedom.
I for one look forward to all your posts! Very grateful for the support and wisdom our StepTalk community provides... a true God-send!
(((HUGS)))
Thank you StepUltimate. I
Thank you StepUltimate. I look forward to your posts too
and yes I'm am thankful for the community here. And the virtual hugs!