Family Funeral and Skid
My beloved grandmother passed away early Sunday morning at age 93. She and I were always incredibly close, but at the same time, she had deteriorated significantly both physically and mentally, so I had time to prepare. It was time. She was ready and had been, really, since my grandfather's death 10 years ago.
Naturally, funerals bring up a lot of emotions and complications. For us, the question has come up about SS13. Do we bring him?
On one hand, all the great-grands will be there. Hate for him to be the only kid not there. He's already kind of an outsider. My grandmother and my parents always spent the same on him as for the other kids when it came to Christmas and birthday. While there's not the closeness that exists with the other kids, they've always made the effort.
Still, SS doesn't totally fit in. Some of it is the age (middle school is just awkward) and the fact that the kids close to his age are girls. Also, most of them go to the same school -- a different one from SS. But he also just hasn't been around them that much. When they were younger, they played together with no problem. Now they don't interact.
DH is a major introvert, so I know he's already going to feel awkward and uncomfortable at the funeral. But he's going to be fine. From experience, though, I know he'll stress over SS -- is he behaving? Is he being left out? Are people involving him or ignoring him?
He's with BM this week, but there would be no problem with getting SS.
I may have a reprieve, though. BM texted this morning that SS has flu. DH said if SS misses school Wednesday and Thursday, but is cleared for Friday, ge won't take him. Doesn't want him to miss an additional day, as we had issues last year falling behind. But, he said, if he has to miss Friday, too, he might go ahead and take him. I said, no, if SS is still symptomatic he shouldn't go (for his sake and everyone else's).
Anyway, now I'm feeling bad hoping a kid stays sick just long enough for him not to go.
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Comments
How does SS feel about going
How does SS feel about going to the funeral? Is he the only one who isn't related to her? How well did he know her?
No clue how he feels about it
No clue how he feels about it. DH hasn't asked him yet, though I'll encourage that once SS feels a bit better.
I think he's also waiting to see if he even wants it to be an option. If SS misses the first two days of school, DH doesn't want him to miss Friday.
He saw her at the occasional get-together, but rarely interacted with her. He'd remember her for being the very old, sweet, but a little dotty lady who gave him money for Christmas and birthday.
He's the only step-great-grand. There are a couple of step-grands, but they live far away and won't be there.
Oh dear
For unknown reasons, I totally missed the sick part. NO, your SS should absolutely NOT attend the funeral.
There is no way I'd allow SS
There is no way I'd allow SS to go to the funeral if he was too sick to go to school on Friday. If he's too sick for school, he doesn't belong among your family members. The fact that your H even suggested that is crazy. I personally would not include him. It sounds like you and your husband would spend too much time wondering about whether he was behaving/entertained/getting along to grieve your grandmother and enjoy time with your family. My parents never included us in family funerals before we were adults, though, so I may have a warped view.
Yeah, I don't think he was
Yeah, I don't think he was really thinking when he said that. He's a smart guy, but can be a real moron when it comes to sickness. He's one of those people who hardly ever gets sick and other than last year when he was faking, SS is the same way. DH has little experience. I told him, no, if SS can't go to school, he doesn't need to go anywhere else.
Id say no to attending
Sick people at funerals or any gathering are a no.
Yeah, probably a lot of old
Yeah, probably a lot of old and vulnerable people will be there. People who actually knew the deceased and will risk their health to honor her. No point getting him. He's sick, and supposed to be with BM anyway.
A definite no because of the
A definite no because of the sickness.
Even if he weren't sick... I'd still say no. It's his time with BM. Would SS13 even care if he missed the funeral? Sounds like he would be indifferent. So I wouldn't bother.
My grandma passed away in
My grandma passed away in August. SS received gifts/cards from her for every holiday and visited her multiple times. He asked us to visit her again next summer (obviously this was before she passed away). I wasn't sure whether SS11.5 would want to attend or not, so I gave him the choice. DH told BM we would support whatever he chose to do and would accomodate transportation, etc. to get him there if he wanted to go. SS decided not to attend, saying he wasn't close enough with her to warrant it. We honored that and he did not attend.
With SS being sick, I would say "No" but if he's not sick, I would leave it up to him to decide whether or not he wants to attend. Whether he is awkward or not, he may still feel a familial connection and want to go. But again, if he is sick, then no.
Your DH, IMHO, spends way to
Your DH, IMHO, apparently spends way to much time in his own head worrying about trivial concerns and far too little time actually living.
This is not good for you, for him, or his kid. Inclusion of a SKid in the life of a blended family is on a schedule. If the kid is sick, then no. The kid stays with the other parent until the kid is not contagious.
Do not jump into self imposed guilt over something that is a pure fact. The kid has the Flu. That is a fact. He does not attend your GM's . You do not have to feel guilty about SS being sick. He is sick. You did not purposely or otherwise infect him.
This is not about SS at all. This is about honoring your GM and the family gathering for that honor. Embrace your grief, engage in the family healing. I am concerned that SS is stress no one needs right now. That he is sick, is a distraction.
Daddy, needs to stop worrying about how his kid will behave. Daddy needs to stop worrying about how others might could possibly treat,might coule possibly include, or might could possibly exclude him and just observe reality and deal with that in real time.
All IMHO of course.
My condolences on the loss of your GM.
Take care of you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I agree. DH worries too much about SS. It's an ongoing thing. Honestly, I think he projects his own worries and insecurities, creating problems that aren't even there. He's gotten better about it, but it can be annoying at best.
You're right about SS being unnecessary stress. Friday will be hard for me as it is. Actually, it will be difficult for a while. My grandmother was my best friend and biggest cheerleader. She was also my last remaining grandparent. It feels like the end of an era of my life. A lot to sort through.
At the same time, my work is very stressful. My supervisor is on maternity and the only other person who knew my job took another job a couple of weeks ago, meaning I have to train someone fast to cover for me Friday (my busiest day). While they're being great about it, I feel a lot of responsibility.
I don't want to say to DH "I don't care if your kid is there and I'd rather he stayed home." Kind of harsh. So I feel like this flu is a blessing, of a kind. I just hope DH can come to the "leave him home" conclusion without my having to be harsh.
Another view....
If SS is sick, he stays home.
But if he's well, I'd take him. Young people need to know how to "do" funerals. This sounds appropriate for a 13-yo young man. You or DH might want to tell him what will happen and how to act
I'm sorry about your grandmother.
If funeral is in your town, ss can stay home a few hours
Especially when sick. The fact he doesn't fit in, is awkward when many will be mourning just proves the funeral isn't the right place for him to be invited to