Narcissists of tiktok
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I've found myself watching all these videos on tik tok of these diagnosed narcissists.... all I can think is some of these HAVE to be our step kids!!!! EVERYTHING these people are saying relates so much to what I've seen from SD... EVERYTHING she does is to "compete" to show how much "better" she is that someone else... even if she has to lie (which she often does, because she's such a boring, lame, ignorant, peice of garbage person). But also how she'll completely "forget" things that have happened in order for her "reality" to exist
Which is why facts are such a
Which is why facts are such a powerful tool in destroying these toxic POS people. I am not one to be empathetic to a Dx of narcissism. Or un Dx's narcissism for that matter. DX's as a narcissist or not, their behaviors are a choice and they have to be made to live the consequences of those choices.
IMHO, the healthy mature individual in the mix has to aggressively confront the narcissist's toxic crap and make the benefit the narcissist is seeking so misery inducing for the narcissist that there is no benefit. Bring the pain, escalate the pain, and never stop delivering the pain on the narcissist. Even when they are our own family, kid, etc.....
Make misery for the narcissist the never ending goal and the narcissist's crap will be minimized though likely it will never go away. entirely. They will bide their time and try again. When they make that try, they suffer. No question, no empathy, just bring the pain.
Do not let the narcissist forget the toxicity they have created. Make them eternally live their crap. Best case, they stay the hell away. Worst case, their crap is at least decreased in frequency and intensity. Either way, it is a win over allowing them to perpetrate their crap unconfronted.
IMHO of course.
We had a 16+ year battle with the SpermClan. Primarily SpermGrandHag. It would not surprise me if she is a narcissist. Zero tolerance and application of eveyr legal, financial, and social weapon at our disposal is how we dealt with that crap. We won. SS -31won. He is a viable performing adult, a man of character, honor, and standing in his profession and community. His three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas who were all raised by SpermGrandHag and the broader shallow and polluted gene pool in the SpermClan include Spermidiot spawn #2 who is on the dole, #3 is a convicted felon serving a long prison sentence, and #4 who is not far behind the inmate.
The Spermidiot is a superficial waste of serial statutory rapist skin. He is in his early 50s and still cruises malls trying to catch the eyes of teen girls. SpermGrandPa is a serial adulterer who far more likely than not has a number of side pieces, and SpermGrandHag is a defeated shrivvled shell of her former superiority complex driven control freak self.
She manipulated, PASd, screamed, yelled, threatened, for SS's first 18 years of life. She never read the CO and spouted delusional bullshit about what we could and could not do because she talked to "the Judge and lawyers I clean offices for and they said ........". They never read our CO either.
We kept a rolled up copy of the CO on hand to beat her about the head and shoulders with any time she plyed her toxic bullshit. We also kept copies of the supplemental county rules and State regulations on hand for times she got particularly toxic.
When SS turned 18 they cut off all contact except to try to guilt him into paying them back for all of the CS they paid for his support under the 16+ year CO.
When he was 22 my SS asked me to adopt him. We made that happen. SS did not tell anyone in the SpermClan for quite some time. When he told SpermGrandHag she surprised me. She told him she was happy that he had a good man to raise him and be his father. We have heard shit for nothing from SpermGrandHag since then. Though she does stalk SS via my FB page so when he is visiting us, she has SS's half sister guilt him to try to get him to visit them. Beyond the guilt trip, they make zero effort. We make every effort to maintain SS in our life, as he does to be a part of our lives. SS does not visit them. When he visits us, we offer to pay for his flights, etc... Nope. He won't allow it. So, we get sneeky and let him pay for his round trip to our location, then we buy the round trip from our location to our vacation destination. That makes us and SS happy. He gets to pay for his initial and terminal travel stages, and we get to cover the usually longer and more expensive transoceanic travel. Though sometimes plans to not fit that model and we just make it work whatever it takes to get together.
Destroy the narcissists with fact, never stop bringing the pain, never let anything the have perpetrated be forgotten or ignored, never stop delivering to them an ever escalating state of abject misery. Take their joy, take away any benefit they gain from their toxic crap. The side most commited to reasonableness and deilvering accountability to the unreasonable will win. By definition, the narcissist is always the unreasonable side and as such, they can never be allowed to win. Their lot is to live the suffering they are so commited to bringing to others. It is on the reasonable side for make the narcissist live that suffering.
Make that your most commited hobby and ... have fun doing it. No matter how counter that may be to being reasonable.
I've done nothing but show
I've done nothing but show facts in sd's face, as well as DH doing the same with BM... neither of us SYMPATHIZE with narcissist diagnosis even a little.
What happens though is that we stick to the truth and add his running to bm taking her how HORRIBLE we are and how we don't believe her, and BM eats that up... but BM is ALSO a narcissist and ALSO tells sd how horrible we are, and tells her lies, and manipulates her text history with DH (deleting the things she wants deleted) and shows sd... but when sd tells us about the texts, I confront her about certain texts (reminding her about circumstances that were happening) and then she's like, yea I remember that (or sometimes she says she doesn't) but she'll say she still believes BM... because BM always sides with her.
Back BM into her own words by
Back BM into her own words by ending all communication with her via telephone or text and engaging the court to require all communication to go through OFW. Our Family Wizard can be monitored by the courts. That way, BM cannot edit the factual communiation to fit her narrative.
If you do not want to go the court route, have your attorney send BM a demand to use OFW.
Also, make sure the Skid knows that BM is lying. Bare every lie. Highlight the truth.
Yeah...to be honest I've done
Yeah...to be honest I've done a deep dive into narcisssim and I am not a professional but it's a personality disorder formed over time. The way to process their emotions and protect themselves at ALL costs...I really think the best thing to do is to simply know their number and reduce your contact with them. Telling a narcissist that they are one and throwing it back in their face may temprorarily feel good for any of us but if it is a true narcissist (and there is a spectrum sometimes it's really clear, other times more gray) the narcissist will NOT be able to realize who they actually are and in fact they are likely to turn it back on you. There is some really siginificant clinical data to show that it's hard to reform a narcissism once developed at scale - a little bit is healthy for all of us but a true narcissist is going to surround themselves with people who will continuet to feed their need for attention and nar supply - so...the cycle continues and you have to understand that they either see you as a part of the narc supply OR an enemy. Chekc out the different types and also I just put up a blog specifically asking folks for their insight on cover narcissim, you may get some nuggest of info there (4 main types: covert, overt, malignant and the 4th is escaping my memory!)
Document, record, save. When
Document, record, save. When the Narc lies, bare their ass. Kids need the truth and watching or listening to their Narc parent say and do the things the Narc parent claims to not have done over,and over and over again forces the kid to either recognize the truth or willfully join the Narcs delusional fantasy world. At which point... document, record, save and bare the kids ass along with the Narc parent's ass. Stay on task, nail them to the wall with the documented facts.
As some point when a Skidult has chosen the Narc path, write them off, control all contact, and prevent them from being a detriment beyond the age of majority.
I cannot understand why anyone would allow someone like "them" to have a place in our lives. Regardless of who they may be.
Yep - if it's a narc parent
Yep - if it's a narc parent telling lies to a kid - then bare the truth.
But if it's a narc SKID - game over.
BOTH are the narcissists! We
BOTH are the narcissists! We kept all truths, proved the truths, Backed everything up... SD decided we were just being mean and decided to believe BM. Doesn't help that sd had been a liar from day 1 as well.. started showing signs of complete lack of empathy, turned everything into a competition, and would manipulate situations to get my daughters in trouble from literally DAY 1. So I do believe that she had honestly been a narcissist from the beginning as well... from what DH says about BM's dad, I think he is one as well... maybe it's hereditary?
Yikes @someoneelse - there's
Yikes @someoneelse - there's not a whole lot of remedy for this (there is a sliver of therapists who believe they can treat this personality disorder but...there are equal amount or MORE of therapists who believe it's ingrained from what I've researched.) You can keep baring the truth but it's likely falling on deaf ears inevitably if SKID is a narc. They haven't been able to show it as a hereditary / genetic connection- the experts say it's the conditions that create this personality disorder when growing up - either through neglect/abuse or indulgence, etc. Again, NOT an expert but have spent my share of time researching the topic and the various types. Make sure to take care of you. And always defer to the experts I am simply a citizen scientist researcher.
I'm not too worried about it
I'm not too worried about it anymore... SD is 19 and away at college, she only comes over when there's gifts for her involved. She was in town for Christmas for a while month... she only visited DH for 2 full days.
When there is no remedy,
When there is no remedy, containment or reduction of the behaviors at issue for the benefit of everyone else in the situation has to be the model. IMHO.
Containment with such pain and misery for the narc that they crawl and stay under their slime covered rock.
Even when the narc is the progeny of one of the partners in the blended family marriage. IMHO, it allso applies in similar situations within intact families. No one should have to tolerate this type of thing from their child, their sibling, etc....
The wellbeing and peace of mind of everyone else... takes precidence over the narc. Regardless of if the narc is a kid, X, parent, IL, etc.... Nacs, though syndromed, make choices. Those choices require that they be held accountable and live the results. and consequences of those chosen behaviors. If not, they run amok and just do what they do. IMHO they need to live the consequences of their choices in a way that makes their pain increasingly more miserable until they either go away, of stop. A Dx of NPD does not mandate that their victims remain their victims. Even a bully Dx'd with some syndrome of the moment will think twice about bullying when their victim punches them in the mouth (figuratively of course).
Not any sort of expert opinion. Just direct action oriented mitigation or at least reduction of a problem tha detracts from the wellbeing and quality of life of people who are subject to the issues perpetrated by a toxic indivicual. That they are a narc, really is irrelevant. Their behaviors are the issue. The label they perpetrate those toxic behaviors under cannot be tolerated as a distraction in addressing those behaviors.
Accountability is how human performance is managed., controlled, and improved. Though the complexity of the variables is far different in close family relationships, best practices work in every situation. How to localize their application is where effective is reached. If a narc chooses to be toxic, there should be no question that they will received consequences for that choice. If they repeat, they experience more unpleasant consequences. Setting and enforcing that absolute protects everyone in teh situation. Including the narc, though they likely will never recognize it. Be a toxic narc, suffer. Be a reasonable narc, avoid the suffering for everyone involved. Particularly the suffering of the narc ,in an ever amplifying intensity. Lather, rinse, repeat. The narcs choice. Behave, or suffer.
In my NPD layman's opinion of course.
That's what we did. When she
That's what we did. When she had behaved in that way, she would be sent to her room without her phone. She was allowed 1 phone call to her mother before bed... soon she found that she could tell her mom how mean and unfair we were, and then DH would receive a phone call from BM about it telling him how horrible of a father he was abs how he's detrimental to her emotional wellbeing... BM would then rush to pick sd up and yell in front of neighbors the same thing, how detrimental he is to their daughter, etc. Sd, sitting in the car, living every minute of all this... there was no fixing any of this. Every course we took to correct the behavior was destroyed by BM swooping in and "saving sd" from our "abuse"
Which to me is so disgusting, my daughters and I are survivors of abuse (both emotional and physical). For them to just through those accusations around like that to make us look like bad people... it cheapens the actual meaning... it dismisses people who ACTUALLY are survivors of abuse... but NOTHING is off limits to narcissists
Long distance visitation
Long distance visitation probabl saved us from this same crap with the SpermClan.
Though if I were your DH, when BM showed up at my home ranting in the yard, she would have been there for as long as it took for the police to arrive. I would not have left the house nor would my daughter. I would work it out with my neighbors to have them call 911 when BM showed up and started her crap. I would call as well. My Skid, would not go back to BM until the end of that particular visitation with my kid. The kid would gain no benefit from her manipulation and her BM would hopefully be frog marched to the police car in hand cuffs. Each and every time she pulled that crap. I would have had my daughter at the window watching mommy get her comeuppance.
I am sorry that you and your own children had to suffer that crap.
BM's father is a retired
BM's father is a retired police chief... everyone around us knows who he is...
But yes, thank you... honestly the long distance now we have now that she's off away for college has been nice
BM and SD13 are both narcs.
BM and SD13 are both narcs. No wonder they constantly butt heads... because they're the SAME person.
My BM and SD are both narcs,
My BM and SD are both narcs, but they feed each others egos. BM loves that sd will hang on her every word, and sd loves that BM will eat up every negative thing she has to say about us (75% lies, the other 25% are skewed inaccurate stories) so... they are smitten with each other.