SD16, Our Paid Hired Help!
Life is good, at least for now. But that's just until the inevitable next wave of drama hits.
A decade ago, I wasn't aware that my partner and I had vastly different ideas about how to raise children. Although I don't have kids, I strongly believe in the importance of assigning them chores if I do.
Why?
Because chores are more than just tasks, they're a vital learning tool for time management. Children learn to navigate their day, balancing several functions within a limited time frame.
Engaging in household duties provides youngsters with an early taste of essential life skills, preparing them for adulthood, where these tasks become second nature. Take, for example, the issue of food habits. A person who grew up reliant on fast food, convenience meals, and dining out may struggle with health issues later in life due to this upbringing. In contrast, involving children in chores like cooking can steer them towards healthier lifestyle choices.
Moreover, chores instill a sense of belonging in children. They learn the value of caring for their belongings and contributing to the household, which fosters a sense of responsibility and pride in their environment. This foundational experience is crucial for their development into well-rounded and capable adults.
On the flip side, my partner holds a different viewpoint. He thinks that children should focus exclusively on their education and studies, arguing that it's the adults' job to take care of all other responsibilities until the child turns eighteen. He believes in fully supporting (or is he coddling) the child in this way, ensuring that their only concern is academic achievement.
Now that I'm retired, I find joy in staying at home, cooking, and managing household chores while my partner continues to work. However, he resisted when I suggested introducing his daughter to minor household responsibilities to assist me. He argued that taking on household tasks would be 'too stressful' for his daughter, expressing concern over adding any extra burden to her routine.
After having ‘that discussion’ with him—and getting nowhere—I won’t say anything to him about what I have observed, but I will express it here.
His daughter prioritizes her social life—mainly chatting with her boyfriend over instant messaging and watching TikTok videos—over her academic responsibilities. Consequently, she's not passing a class or two—not because she lacks the ability but because she lacks motivation. She’s lazy. Her average grades are barely above simply passing.
Despite this, my partner only addresses the issue by ‘talking to her,’ without imposing any real consequences for her failure to meet her obligations or achieve more than ‘just getting by.’
Sometimes, I need a little help around the house, so I proposed that we could incentivize his daughter by paying her to do chores, given that she is sixteen and could benefit from taking on some responsibility. Surprisingly, he found this arrangement acceptable and didn't consider it 'too stressful' for her. This contradiction in his stance strikes me as entirely hypocritical, considering his earlier resistance to her doing any housework at all.
That sums up my thoughts on the matter. If offering payment encourages her to lend a hand around the house, I'm okay with that arrangement. But do you understand where I'm coming from?
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I 1000% understand where you
I 1000% understand where you're coming from. I always had a problem with my SKs, especially my SD34's extreme arrogance. I worked in a career that involved being exposed to personality disordered people including narcissists and I had never seen a more narcissistic person in my life. Even as young as 7 SD thought she was the most superior female who ever graced the face of the planet. I 100% believe that one of the many reasons she was like that was because she didn't ever have to do a damn thing. DH did everything for the SKs and if I suggested even the most minor chore, he'd shit on it by saying, "well, I only require school." Well, I got pregnant with DDstb24 and I remember telling DH that I will never allow my child to turn out anything like the SKs, especially SD, so our child will have chores among other requirements, like eating actual food rather than a 100% candy and chips diet. I HATED that my SKs were useless and in a lot of ways my SD still is. She's still extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely (insert at least another hundred extremelies here) arrogant. I blame SD never having done a chore in her life because she just didn't ever have to do the things in life that everyone else had to do.
Hugs to you, Evil4
Sending you a big hug, 'Evil4!' Happy to meet you!
I'm curious: why do you go by 'Evil4'?
I chose the username 'Toaster' because that's basically how my partner and his kids see me - I'm just an appliance.
Congratulations! It's fantastic to hear that you're guiding your child towards becoming a responsible adult. I have a lot of respect for you for doing that!
Hi Toaster!
Hi Toaster!
Happy to meet you too!
I've always gotten a kick out of people's name on here. I chose mine because I used to work with another SM. She was the kindest, sweetest, best boss ever! I found out that she had an evil SD. I ended up sharing stories with her about my SD. My former boss and her bff referred to themselves as Evil 1 and Evil 2 because that's how their SDs saw them. I was Evil 3. I had been a member here for years but then wanted to get rid of forum posts I had so I deleted my account and had to start again. Now, I'm Evil 4. LOL
Well, my DDstb24 went through a rebellious stage and DH and I were afraid she'd end up like my SKs. I had been a member here so I knew about Rags' Burning Platform Program. I also liked his terms, "abject misery" and such, so when DD was 16 or 17 and talking about going to uni in another province while behaving as if she'd end up an entitled unemployed princess like the SKs, DH and I made her sign a contract with ambitios deadlines. We made it really tough for her but she did it and is a completely different person. We set out to save her and we did. Only we might have gone too far. When she went to uni and lived in res, she ran around cleaning everything and bitched about her dorm mates not cleaning up after themselves. LMFAOOOO. She's back at her uni now sharing a dorm with other members of a project and she's running around cleaning up after 27 year olds and momming them. LOL
Thank you, Rags!
IMHO chores are the duty that
IMHO chores are the duty and contribution that a child owes to their home and family ... beyond compliance to behavioral standards and performance standards.
Chores should not be compensated with money nor should they be used as punishment. TGhey are a given. Nothing more, nothing less. Do them and you have a decent level of life quality if you deliver on the standards, self care, etc. Don't do them, and suffer.
They do them, or they suffer.
Keep it stupid simple. (KISS)
Chores do not include doing their own laundry or cleaning their room. Those are a given.
Applied in age appropriate ways of course.
Hi Rags
Hug to you too!
I can see both sides of the
I can see both sides of the coin.. A child's job IS school.. but they also get responsibility as they get older to take care of their own room.. clothes (washing).. bathroom etc.. They also would be expected to "pitch in" if asked to do a task.. like set the table.. empty the trash etc...
In our home.. we did have the basic responsibility to take care of ourselves and our spaces.. and do things as requested.. but we did not have a "chore list" per se. Our main job was to attend school. (in tact family with both bio parents.. so lived there full time).
But.. there was a joke in our house.. that if we were asked to do tasks.. they generally were unpaid because we were part of the household where everyone needs to do their part to make it move forward.. and that would include small tasks (table setting for example).. but there were bigger asks.. that my parents would pay us money.. so the joke was when we were asked to do something.. "was it for love or money".. haha.
I feel that a child that does not live full time (less than 50%) in a home should not be assigned "regular chores".. beyond the expectation to keep their rooms neat and their messes contained and cleaned up. BUT.. if that child is asked to help in a small way with something.. they should "happily do it".. as long as it isn't a long list of tasks that would take all their time during visitation.
A child that lives FULL time in a home.. they can have some chore list.. or it can be adhoc like my parents did. I do think that learning how to vacuum.. dust.. clean dishes.. put away groceries.. make a salad.. all are small lessons in growing up.. so it's not terrible to ask for these small tasks.. and by small.. generally something that would take 30 min or less. If the chore is more time consuming or labor difficult then a monetary reward for the effort is reasonable.
I think we have the same
I think we have the same parents.
I like "for love or money" joke. It is so right on.
I got paid for big stuff that was definately not a chore. Like tilling the garden and digging our crawlspace down to basement depth.
Toast is Rubbernecking It!
Thank you for sharing that.
SD16 prefers to keep her room in quite a mess and disarray, and her father overlooks this fact.
But as the saying goes, "Not my monkey, not my circus."
I’ve been poking around here, and one phrase stands out, ‘you can’t care more than the biological parents do.’
I don’t know why I care so much about SD16.
You care because if she fails
You care because if she fails to launch and fails at adulthood, she will be your problem for the rest of your life. Esp if your DH can't say no.
Honestly.. for the EOWE time
Honestly.. for the EOWE time the girls were with us.. I did not get overly stuck on how their room looked.. their mom sent them over with multiple "small bags" (you know the kind you get free with makeup etc?).. and they were living out of them like gerbils.. haha.. So, did it really make sense for them to put their bags of clothes away.. then repack a couple days later? not really.. so they lived "out of suitcases".. while with us.. which is a bit messier of a look. I did ask that they make their bed daily.. otherwise.. I could shut the door. The bathroom they used was my DH's bathroom (I always claim the master.. he uses the spare..haha).. so it was his job to clean it since it was him and his kids only occasionally. Honestly.. they were not there enough to really warrant set chores.. but they were helpful when asked to pitch in.. and their dad would give them some incentive money wise if it was a bigger ask.
I know chores help kids learn how to do things.. learn that there is work involved in things they ask for.. but at a certain point.. if the bio parents aren't interested.. what can you do?
I recall both girls spent a lot of time wth my Inlaws.. living for them at some points (it was an odd situation given my DH's profession).. and a few tiimes I tried to point out to BM what a gift it would be for her to pass on her skills in the kitchen.. or how she keeps her house spotless..but she just waited on the kids.. and they never picked that up!
It's insane to me that people
It's insane to me that people expect a person to go from being waited on hand and foot to a functional adult at midnight on their 18th birthday. They wonder why their kids fail to be able to live independently as young adults.
My DH was fond of saying,
My DH was fond of saying, "They'll learn!" When I was told to step back from teaching moments. He meant that they would learn "on their own" or "they will learn eventually." HOW then? WHO DH, will teach them if not their parents/adults in their lives? And he wonders today why his daughters never listen to him, or me, or other competent adults (oh, like doctors, teachers - only if they liked them would they listen, they are great students but utterly dismissive of people in general, dentists, etc.).
Team you
Yep, absolutely agree with you. Research shows that kids who do chores become more thoughtful and considerate of others. Also, if everyone is making the mess and everyone is capable of cleaning the mess, than everyone helps- you're a family, and you are not a maid. This was my hill to die on when I moved in with DH- I will not be a maid to the kids. We made a chore chart. They have MINIMAL chores 3 days a week that take them 2-4 mins each day. What kid doesn't have the capacity for that, when they have hours to spend on tik tok each day? I would not be paying your SD personally, but at least she's doing something
I agree with you 100%
You are not asking to put school work aside to do chores, Or chores come first. But there is time to do thing around thel home Yiu are right it's traches life skills. What she will need when having her own apartment.
Chores - the new sore spot
Well, not really new, but you get my drift. Its a top complaint that us Sparents have. We are given the responsibility for these "children" but none of the authority. We are more than welcome to house them, pay for food and clothes and presents, do for them in whatever their needs are, drive them around, cook for them, clean, be their free therapist. But when it comes to requesting/requiring chores, or giving repercussions for something, we need to "stay in our lane" and its "not our circus" etc. Remember that we are NOT the bio parent...
SD17almost18 power sulk has maybe 1 chore that she does maybe 2 times a month. She has only the requirement that she graduate. She is 50/50 and spends much of that time in her room chatting and laughing with her friends. She has indicated that she helps her mother out by walking and caring for her dog, that she helps in cleaning the apartment...shes talked about getting a job "sometime", and driving...
But sometimes I do ask for things like can she do some dishes, and set the table. At one time I was a bit more "ambitious" and offered to pay her for help doing yard work. Crickets. I did put together chore list that she and I could do together. Crickets.
And husband gets defensive when I have asked her to help out. Because he tells me that Im too harsh.
Good luck with the chore thing!
Chores, I hated them as a
Chores, I hated them as a kid.
We had nice wood furniture and hard wood floors. My primary chore was cleaning, dusting, and oiling the furniture and floors. I became a master at making that job last for countless days. Which in hindsight was stupid and a waste of my time.
I also washed a lot of dishes, and mowed the yard in my preteens through my mid teens.
That was my lot for 4 years before we moved back overseas.
That is a life changer. Company housing, etc... and tons of people for that.
Though with my parents, they still had us doing chores. Yard projects, clearing out and cleaning storage/garden sheds, etc.. I missed the worst assignment ever when I was away at school. Mom had my brother dig out all of her flower beds, sift the dirt, mix the dirt with sweet sand, and replace it all back in the flower beds. It has been 40+ years and he still blames me for that one.
Sorry I missed it bro!!!