Inheritance awkwardness

My grandmother died a couple of months ago and they've almost finished settling her estate. My grandparents structured things so their grandchildren would get a portion of the estate. It's not life-changing "quit your job" money, but it's a very nice nest egg.

The way DH and I set up our finances, we are each other's beneficiary, with our trust as secondary. Aside from some animal charities, SS13 is the beneficiary of the trust. I've had no problem with that. DH makes far more than I do and he stands to inherit a lot from his mother (he's an only child), so whatever money we have left will be from his side, most likely. I have a list of family heirlooms and where I want them to go.

Anyway, in setting up the fund for my inheritance, I chose to set it as a separate account so it's not part of marital assets. This is primarily sentimental. I want to be able to pull money out for things and think "this is from my grandparents." Well probably use it for travel (which my gps loved) and maybe some investments.

I have decided not to put our trust on it. If there's still money left when we go, I want it to go to charity or a member of my family instead of to SS. He's an only child and grandchild and will likely end up with more than he needs. And he barely knew my grandmother and never knew my grandfather.

DH said he understood, but he also looked kind of hurt about it. (I didn't go into that last part.)

I don't think what I've decided is cruel or unreasonable, is it? I suspect it's more "Hastings cares about my kid, but doesn't love him" popping back up.

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Is the BM in this scenario

Is the BM in this scenario dead? Does she not have anything set up for her own child? If you had a niece or nephew, you wanted to leave the money for would your DH also leave them money? If your DH really feels his precious poopsie is getting the short end of the stick then maybe he should go set up a go fund me so society can contribute as well, since he thinks everybody owes his kid some money.

Oh, she's alive and I'm sure

Oh, she's alive and I'm sure SS will get all she has. And her parents have money (though they also spend like there's no tomorrow...)

I don't think there's any concern about SS's financial future, though DH has mentioned hoping SS doesn't have it too easy. If we go early, SS can't touch our money until he's 45. I think it's more about the spirit of it. But, spirit-wise, I don't want SS to have my family's money.

Sounds reasonable to me

I think it’s important to be flexible with finances. DH and I have a will and most everything goes to the other person; if we both pass at the same time it gets divided equally among all our kids. We built up equity together over the years, so that part is easy. The exceptions: DH has property that he owned before me that will bypass me and my children and go directly to his kids. They have a history there and it’s not something that I ever contributed to financially. Also, he received an inheritance from a family member that he shared with his kids….like yours…not like a lottery win but enough to really help out. This person was close to DHs kids and it seemed like the right thing to do. Any inheritance I get from my parents will be kept separate for my use, and will go to my kids when I pass. I think it’s lovely that you will think of your grandparents when you use their gift.

Sounds like a smart, well

Sounds like a smart, well-considered plan.

You are being reasonable.

I do not have children and none of my estate will be going to either SD, they have a mom and dad and (rich) grandparent and they will be fine. My estate will go to my DH and some to my sister and/or my niece (unless both of us go at the same time, then they get all of it). That's it. DH knows this. We are also working on getting our wills and POAs and things done by an estate lawyer so everything is above-board. If I go first, DH gets the bulk of it. Whatever he does with it I won't be around.

What you are doing is absolutely the right thing to do.

What you are doing is absolutely the right thing to do and it doesn't have anything to do with loving SS. He is going to be more than taken care of and your grandparents left the money to you, not anyone else. Do not feel guilty or bad about this for one second.

Look.. it's your money to do

Look.. it's your money to do with what you want. If you feel your Skid will be well taken care of.. and you are already tacitly leaving them money through the joint trust.. then if you want to have some personal direction of this smaller amount of money.. that is totally understandable.

I do stand to recieve a good inheritance from my parents (father is only one remaining). I plan on leaving what's left if I am still married to my DH to him.. then he can leave to his kids.. or if he goes first and I don't remarry.. I plan on leaving it to his kids. I have a good and respectful relationship with my SD's.. and am fine with them getting this help from me.

BUT.. I have also told my DH that i am probably not going to be like my father and preserving the trust and growing it..lol. I plan on hoping to die with one dollar clenched in my fist.. haha.. (margarita in the other)

So.. when he looks hurt I might say.. Oh.. don't worry honey.. I plan on us enjoying this money while we are still alive.. haha.. there won't be much left to make a difference I don't think:)

Yeah, I hope there's nothing

Yeah, I hope there's nothing left. It's a good chunk, but not forever money. I plan to find nice ways to use it up before my time comes. Even with our joint money, leaving something for SS just isn't high up on my list. It's actually not for DH either. I think he was having a hurt feelings moment because he can be hyper-sensitive when he thinks SS is left out or not part of the group.

My DH and I already own some

My DH and I already own some real estate outright and he will inherit his grandparent's home and another piece of land.. it is worth enough that if they wanted to sell it all... it would likely set them up pretty well for a retirement buffer.. but they both are doing well at their jobs.. and have retirement plans.. so hopefully they will be in the same situation I am. The money/value when it gets to them.. will hit right around time they may want to think about retiring.

My dad is 94 and he has been declining in vigor.. but not expecting anything imminent. I'm closer to 60 than I would care to admit (or act haha).. but I will have the option of retiring when I inherit because I also have a pension coming to me.. but I love my job so immediate plans are to work.. at least another few years.. unless faced with something that makes me want to change my mind.

I think a lot of people envision inheriting from family when they are young.. but the reality is that when you are 40.. your parents might only be in their 60- to 70's age range.. and baring serious health issues.. may well live on for many many years if you are lucky. but when you are 19.. you somehow think 20 years is so far away.. and that your parents will be elderly and gone.. and that is not necessarily the case..!

Yep! DH and I are obsessive

Yep! DH and I are obsessive about retirement planning. Even though DH has quite a bit coming to him someday (MIL was an older mom, so she's more than a decade older than my parents), that doesn't factor into our official plans. We're trying to have our retirement set up so it doesn't matter if or what we inherit. Depending on inheriting a certain amount can end up being a big mistake (as DH's aunt and uncle, who lived beyond their means and got a rude awakening when their parents estate was smaller than expected, discovered).

That's part of why DH is big on SS learning about money management and being able to support himself, despite expectations. We plan to spend plenty of ours. SS wouldn't be able to touch what we leave him until middle age anywa, with how we set up our trust. Also, with the way BM and her parents spend, we don't know how much he'll actually get. Not that DH's attempts go anywhere...

NEVER co-mingle an

NEVER co-mingle an inheritance in a marital account/joint account. Most jurisdictions exclude that money from marital assets.

When my XH1 and I divorced, I completely understood that the money given to him by his grandmother was HIS. I had zero problem with that. I hope your husband fully supports you.

I agree with the advice ot

I agree with the advice ot not comingling inherritance funds. Having DH as beneficiary on a separate investment account gives him those assets should you pre-decease him if that was the way you wanted it to distribute.

My DW and I are each others sole heir and beneficiary with SS as secondary in the event of DW's and my co-demise. It goes to a trust for him until he turns 40 or completes his Bachelor's degree which ever is first. This was designed to lock it away from the SpermClan if his mom and I and departed together before SS reached the age of majority.

I need to get my life insurance up and running with my new company to cover the gap for her if she loses my income. She gets all of my investement accounts regardless.

I am sorry to hear about your GM.