See A Fight Coming This Summer
SS12 has been playing football since he was 5. BM made this her hill to die on to prevent additional long distance visitation, citing that SS couldn't miss football in the summer to be with DH. The courts agreed. So, per our CO, we are entitled to 4 weeks of summer visitation, which is SUPPOSED to be exercised in two 2 week blocks, but the CO gives BM the power to break it up, if it interferes with sports. The CO states that DH HAS to accommodate it, no choice. So unfortunately, BM has all the power to dictate our summer visitation and we essentially have to agree. It sucks. Last summer was the first year that we had to accommodate a change. We asked BM for 4 consecutive weeks, which she disagreed with. We countered with a 3 week block and a 1 week block; she still disagreed, stating SS wasn't comfortable enough to be with us for 3 consecutive weeks. After a lot of back and forth, we ended up with a two week block and two one week blocks, which wasn't ideal, but it was better than some of the other ideas BM was pitching. Every year since the CO was finalized, BM has pulled SS out of football for a week at minimum to suit HER needs - a week for their wedding festivities, a week for family vacation, etc. but SS is NOT to miss any football for DH. When confronted, BM's response has always been that BM is the sole custodial parent and she can do whatever she wants and the CO says DH's parenting time has to accommodate sports, not that hers has to. The double standard is infuriating with this one.
DH realized today that he hasn't heard from BM about registering SS yet, despite registration being open. DH and I looked it up and SS is officially out of youth league - grades K-6 and will now follow the high school schedule since he is starting 7th grade in the Fall. Registration has yet to occur and there is no tentative schedule published. I referenced last year's schedule, and if I'm correct, he will have practice 3 days per week starting the week school ends. I know BM will have a field day with this and suddenly, there will be too many scheduling conflicts for SS to visit DH at all in the summer.
DH and I are realizing that we may have to go back to court to ensure our summer visitation remains intact. If we could get 4 consecutive weeks, then BM could have SS from the last week of June until Christmas and it will be the least disruptive with sports. Plus it would give us a sense of normalcy and extended time to be able to travel with SS and visit with extended family. I know BM won't let SS come for that long, despite the fact SS is 12 and DH has had regular visitation since SS was two. She still cites that SS is uncomfortable, despite being on this two two week block schedule for 7 years, plus SS spends weeks with BM and GF's families without BM and GF and tons of time with friends. It's all an act to maintain control. I told DH that I refuse to pay for another lawyer and go through another huge court battle; I won't do that to myself again or DD. If we have to go, we go pro se, explain the issue, and take whatever verdict happens. I just don't think it is reasonable to lose summer visitation with a kid who is 12. I could see 16, 17, etc when SS has high school, romantic partners, maybe a job, etc. but 12 is still young in my opinion for us to lose that time.
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Aw Hon! Your post made me
Aw Hon! Your post made me shake my head in dismay as, despite being one of the most dedicated and supportive stepmothers on the site, you drew the short straw where BMs are concerned. That unbalanced, PASing control freak is the epitome of awfulness! I keep wishing for a stray piano to connect with her head but, alas, karma can take forever.
In your past blog, you mentioned bodily changes and post-partum hormonal issues; I can so relate to that! My son was born when I was in my thirties whereas I’d had my daughters in my teens. After my boy’s birth, the reality of my sagging breasts (they’d been so perky!) and stretch-marked stomach brought me to tears. Like you, my hormones were out of whack and I was bursting into tears over the slightest frustration or upset.
Time is the great healer, my dear, and I guarantee that you will feel better as the months go by. Your misfortune in being a victim of the worst BM in StepTalk (and the competition is fierce) is one helluva’ liability when added to the additional tribulations of hating both your job and your boss, a slump in libido etc. Keep venting and chin up! Things WILL get better.
Thank you, grannyd. I am
Thank you, grannyd. I am definitely in my head tonight and anxious about the uncertainty of it all. I like to know what to expect, especially with someone as toxic as BM. I appreciate your support and kind words.
Tut tut
Rags, again that approach would be possible IF the alienator was the bioDad. Since the courts have stated there is no such thing as PAS by BMs, this would not work.
#2TieredJustice
so many NCPs get screwed
imo the good ncp get screwed because often times they fold too easily - whether it's mindset, lack of drive, financial etc
I unfortunately have an "ain't shi+" male breeder ... I held that fool accountable in court on public record so his lying would catch up to him and he was forced to treat our kid with the bare minimal respect she was entitled to by law.
He paid most of my legal fees because he was so stupid for thinking he was above the law but then he claimed he was broke and I spent equivalent to a high end luxury car on legal fees retaining the top attorneys in town.
I'm the custodial parent but the NCP breeder over here tried to screw me over (and by default the kid too) until I started doing my research and taking action to get justice.
Sometimes you gotta stand on business (for your kids sake)
This would never work. Not
This would never work. We have no skin the the game. DH has no legal custody and is only entitled to visitation. Not only would a court strip DH of the already limited visitation he has, BM would refuse to send SS for visitation ever again and every single visitation would be a fight because of "the stunt we pulled". She would deny visitation under the fact that she can no longer trust us and she would tell SS, as the alienator, that we kidnapped him and we weren't going to let him see BM again. The PAS would ramp up exponentially. BM follows the CO to a tee, but these grey areas that aren't clearly spelled out with dates/times are where she likes to manipulate and she does.
I would rather DH contact the coach, attempt to get an idea of what the schedule will look like, take her to court and lay out all the facts in hopes of getting an updated and clearer court order than do something like this. To start, we will see what BM does. If she manipulates the schedule, then off to court we go. If she doesn't, then we will leave it alone.
BM would refuse to send SS
Im no lawyer but a parent can't just deny visitation whenever they feel like it.
Your husband is entitled to see his son and (outside of documented abuse/neglect) no manipulating breeder can stop that
Yall seem like nice people with high moral standards but y'all giving that lady way too much power. Stop going back and forth trying to negotiate with her because she's irrational and needs a lawyer or judge to put her in check.
The way to counter PAS is to do whatever it takes to spend time with the kid creating memories even document the memories in photos etc. As they get older, Most kids have an uncanny ability to see right through a manipulative parent
I don't mean that we wouldn't
I don't mean that we wouldn't fight BM on seeing SS. I just know that if we pulled a stunt like that, BM would refuse to send SS ever again, and we would be in and out of court for the next 6 years to enforce our visitation. We follow the court order plain and simple.
Actually
Most adult skids who have been PASed REFUSE ( refuse is the key word) to see through the manipulative parent.
I worked with a guy back in 2006 who was convinced his dad was the evil one. This guy was well educated by his father's money and was very well to do and a great entrepreneur but believed his mother walked on Holy Ground when it was obvious she poisoned him against his dad. He was in his twenties at the time.
This will be SS14. He see the
This will be SS14. He see the stuff BM does but he will stand in front of me and lie to my face about her just so she doesn't come off looking bad. He believes she can do no wrong, even when the wrong is right in front of his face
THIS, right here, what you
ThinkT:
THIS, right here, what you described, is exactly what "Pathogenic parenting" looks like.
Mom all wonderful, dad the bad man.
It will not stop until that adult child is NO contact with the alienator. That is very rare unless, unless they are thousands of miles away and lack communication options. Even when alieanator parent passes away (I wish that on no one), there are usually, a significant amount of minions circling around that fully take the place of the alienator parent. I've seen this with my own eyes in various forms.
Kids/adult kids who are part of Pathogenic parenting fully REJECT the target parent. They don;t come back after emancipation age. Those now adult Kids that magically return after cs stops is something totally different than Pathogenic Parenting OR "PAS" as some people call it.
OR
Mom, the victim, and Dad, the aggressor.
I can assure you
That there is an uncanny bias against biodads in the family courts. Not sure if you've ever watched a movie such as "Divorce Inc" but time and time again bio dad is behind the eight ball and is assumed to be nothing more than an ATM.
The courts 99% of the time will side with the crazy BM.
Going to court against the custodial BM is an exercise in futility in the western world. Contrast that with the Asian world where the woman has zero rights even to her own children. Unfortunately there is never a happy medium (human nature). Just ask the former poster JustMakingTheBest . Check out her blogs.
That there is an uncanny bias
Id respectfully disagree
Probably back in the 70s but todays times are different
My kids bio dad was a rich celebrity so he was instantly favored over me as the NCP .... initially.....until his narcissistic personality started showing through and he pissed off the top lawyers and judges in town
Biodads getting shafted in court happens when they can't or don't want to do the work get even partial physical custody and do more than just throw some money around to take care of their kids.
The court favors whoever has the kids - as they should.
Many bio dads fall into the "traditional" mind space of "well it's easier to just roll over, pay the child support, and accept what custody is handed to me"
Most of these men DONT want more physical custody
The family courts here was 100% women trying to get help from courts so that their male counterparts would help them take care of their kids
If men wanted the courts to be in their favor then they need to start getting custody and doing more to take care of these kids instead of letting women (even the unstable unmotherly ones) do all the custody then have the audacity to complain the system is unfair to them.
When confronted, BM's
Anyone who says this is a nut job
what is this kid like a toddler or something?!? This is how you'd treat kids who are breastfeeding and or under 5 years old
Collect ALL your evidence then drag her unsavory a$$ back to court. Let the lawyers handle this so you don't have to stress about it.
You're only supposed to accommodate the baseball schedule not the BMs neurotic controlling whims
You may not want to use lawyers but they can help facilitate an easier summer transition so that your husband can more effectively exercise his parental rights.
If you have enough evidence where they find her in contempt of court then courts could make her pay y'all's lawyers fees
We took BM to court in 2019.
We took BM to court in 2019. We paid $30k and spent a year in court for a judge to rule that "a child needs their Mom" and give us the order we currently have. We don't have that money again to fight on this issue, especially when the courts are BM favoring. And I am not taking that money from our life or from our DD2 to fight these issues.
If I were you I'd file an
If I were you I'd file an appeal, demand a new judge (one who is fair) ... in the most cost effective way.
I think I read youre thinking about going pro se which I think is good but just know judges and lawyers are definitely biased towards clients who Represent themselves bc they assume most pro se clients do not know what they're doing.
So do as much research as you can and if it's feasible hire an attorney to prep you/consult with you before hearings, how to complete / file court docs, etc
"kids need their mom" is when these kids are breastfeeding. If the step kid was 2 or under I could see where the judge would side with the mom
Also courts look at status quo ... so they're not going to pull a school aged kid out of school to increase NCP custody unless the NCP can accommodate the kids school needs
However plenty of research shows kids need BOTH parents and any judge who denies this is biased and not fit for a child support/child custody case
I've spent similar amounts as you (to the point I cringe thinking what high ticket items I could have invested in had my kids narcissistic bio breeder just acted like most normal fathers) but I didn't have a husband or other kids at the time of my lawsuits against him so I understand your concern and your threshold
* Im not a lawyer but I have over a decade of learning the legal system after hiring top lawyers in town to sue my narcissistic ex breeder for our daughters fundamental rights.
The bias sucks! Our judge was
The bias sucks! Our judge was so ignorant to PAS and was like "why can't you all just get along?" like we would have spent the tens of thousands of dollars to be in court if we could have "just gotten along." Trust me, we wish we could get along with BM and make co-parenting a million times easier, but BM doesn't want to play ball.
Our BM had the audacity to ask DH to drop his fight because she was running out of money to maintain her legal fees. She wasn't willing to compromise to get the fighting to stop either. She wanted to stick to the original arrangement, which is why we took her to court in the first place, and just drop the whole thing. DH literally laughed in her face.
What do you call a failed attorney?
"YOUR HONOR"
"Why can't you all get along"
When the SSs were younger, they had their attorney, and there was mediation often. DH told me that on multiple times, he was asked why they couldn't just get along, and he kept trying to explain to the courts that BM1 was mentally ill. The thing was she presented as "normal" and could convince them of her sanity. Looking back on it now, it's sad actually (she died this year, DH thinks she committed suicide). The courts completely dropped the ball on this one.
There is no doubt that there
The bias in courts is towards the kids. As it should be.
In still mostly traditional America who keeps the kids most of the time?
If men claimed more physical custody they're entitled to then they'd have more favor.
Go down to any family court today. I guarantee you will see over 90% women trying to enforce their male breeders to be accountable and take care of their kids
More men STILL think it's a woman's role to do the lion share raising these kids so therefore they are shirking their responsibilities off onto the women/aunts/grandmothers/anyone relatively safe with a pulse and t*ts heck sometimes another man as stepfathers on this forum can verify - and if they do anything most of them throw chump change around (that barely covers costs of supporting a kid) while the rich ones throw major money around (to
stop the women froM constant lawsuits/to sit down and take care of the kids) OR settle on the least amount of custody (a couple times a month) bc that's what's easier for them then they whine and complain nothing is fair for them in courts
The fathers who actually care and are trying to do more to take care of their kids should not be lumped into the category with most of these men out here.
However I do believe that if Men want more rights in courts systems then they should start with demanding 50/50 physical custody.
I would agree
That the bias in courts is towards kids, as it should be. In my case, DH obtained custody of his first 2 children, but then child support was never really enforced against BM1. She died this year owing DH about 70k in child support. I do believe if it were a man, he would have been put in jail.