Having trouble figuring it out - Update
I posted last month about my ambivalence about meeting with SD62:s daughters, C and M, and their kids as each had suggested. DH86 had recently had words with M after SD62's latest $ emergency. He had suggested SD62 call her kids rather than him and she had done so, showing up at her son's work and causing a scene. She is now banned from that site.
DH86 spoke calmly with M that day but afterwards, said he was done with her. So, when I told him i was meeting with her and the kids, he said he'd be asleep.
I told M to just honk when she got here. We took the kids, girl 4 and boy 1, to the Children's Library then to McDonalds. M expressed her hurt that he was holding a grudge and hadn't even come out to see her or the kids. I told her I understand where she's coming from and flashed back to the day when my ex and I got a letter asking all descendants to contribute for my great-grandparents. We could hardly keep our utilities on, it was ludicrous. But I told her I also understand DH86 seeing himself declining and wanting to offload responsibility.
When she dropped me off, I thought, I may never see her again. She drove half an hour in the rain with 2 little kids to see him and he didn't even come out.
The visit with C and her son went better, less drama. She's as poor as SD62 so DH86 doesn't ask her to help.
Family.... I wonder if I just should have left well enough alone.
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Comments
Does everybody see your DH as
Does everybody see your DH as the family ATM? If so, it's time they stopped.
But I do think M's hurt feelings are justified. Why couldn't your DH have an adult conversation with her to tell her that circumstances are changing? SD will always be a problem and your DH is not the solution. I don't know what is, but it's up to her children to figure it out.
Family ATM
They don't see him as the family ATM but they see him as SD62's ATM. And, I agree that M had grounds to be hurt.
I don't know what I wanted to achieve aside from showing my willingness to see them and admire the kids. In M's case, I wanted to remind her that DH86 is declining, to give her a heads up that crunch time for her mom is coming. She says she has cut the toxic out of her life, meaning her mom. There is no contact between them. I undrrstand that but was able to tell her that changes are coming to us, however that falls out.
So DH told SD to reach out to
So DH told SD to reach out to her kids for $ instead of you guys and she picks his WORK as the place to cause a scene?? This lady is a train wreck and nobody is required to be her keeper.
I would tell your DH gently that just because he's lit himself on fire all these years trying to keep SD, her children aren't required to do the same and he shouldn't hold it against them. At the same time, it's time he stopped. He's getting older now and she's going to have to stand on her own two feet. She may surprise everyone when she's forced to actually do it all on her own.
Doesn't she get government assistance? Couldn't she rent out a room somewhere with it?
I would tell M that the gravy train has stopped. It's become too much for you guys and someone else is going to have to pick up the slack if they want their mother cared for. Aside from that, you both love seeing the kids and would be happy to have a relationship with them (if that's how you feel).
Not sure how I feel right now
Part of me wants to help heal it all but part of me just wants it to all go away.
The only people you should be
The only people you should be taking care of and fixing is you and DH. It is time to take the ability to flush money down the SD-62 toilet away from DH iMHO.
If she is on welfare and medicaid then no one else needs to be buring good money on her. The taxpayers are burning enough.
Her own kids know better. Sadly, I think that you and her father need to learn the same lesson as the GSkids have alreade learned.
From what i've read about
From what i've read about SD62, she won't starve. She will find a new angle to get her bills paid without working. She already has experience with petty crime, or maybe she will find some guy.
I mean there something radical wrong with SD62
No body wants her around them. I am sure her work , does want family drama, come to there place of business. It's your DH Fault not making clear boundaries. And stop being the family ATM. So people will visit to see him, not for a hand out.
Definitely something wrong with SD62
You're right, nobody wants her around.
I, personally, am proud of M
I, personally, am proud of M for overcoming her childhood being raised by SD62. Your DH is repeating his same pattern of rewarding bad behavior and punishing good. He is a codependent so he gravitates toward the attention (neediness) he gets from SD62, and since M doesn't "need" him as much, and now won't follow in his footsteps, he refuses to speak to her. That's a shame. Probably nothing you can do but let M know you appreciate her for the choices she's made.
It is a shame
DH86's support of SD62, financially and emotionally, is costing him other family members.
Why can M purge toxic from
Why can M purge toxic from her life and SD62's father can't have that same empiphany? IMHO, DH has abandoned the wrong family members. He needs to purge SD62, not his GKs and GGKs. Not that you and he should be supporting any of them financially.
If anything, you, DH, M and C and their kids all need to bond and engage sans SD62. No more money, no more comfort, no more tolerance for SD62.
I applaud M for being an adult in this situation.
Why
DH86 will never be able to purge toxic SD62. How great it would be if he could. The less the rest of us engage with her, the more protective he gets.
Good for M! When we were in
Good for M! When we were in the thick of custody battle with Meth Mouth my DHs ex FIL told him "I will do whatever it takes to protect my child!" He even found her stash and hid it from the cops for her. Bailed her out everytime, called the paramedics to revieve her, bought her brand new cars when she would wreck. Gave her a place to live which she stole from him and all her druggie friends stole from them. Alienated his son and other grandkids all to "do whatever it took to support Meth Mouth." Sadly your DH will never understand he chose one person over many, and nobody will stand for her once he's gone.
Sounds similar
Sigh.....
JRI.
So sorry you've got this still going on. I do too. Your blogs always help me see what's possibly in store for me without setting and keeping those strong boundaries. My DH is doing better with it too but I am ever vigilant as well.