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DH May be Blowing It

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 1:18pm

I don't want to add details here right now, but suffice it to say that I am concerned our marriage may not last much longer. He's currently away for the month, including him spending time with his family (this is a long story in itself), and some things have come to light so now I'm fully aware of, at least mostly, his situation.

I have a list of things to discuss with him when he returns and if he doesn't want to talk about it, stalls or doesn't answer truthfully, and refuses to get a marriage counselor I think we are done.

I did not expect it to go this way at all.

I probably won't be logging in much but I'll certainly update you all when I can.

Comments

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 1:38pm

Sorry to hear this Cover. I'm behind you no matter what you choose to do, you have my support. I'm not sure what happened but your way of handling sounds valid

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 3:33pm

you know it's a good side effect to these groups that we start to care. The thought of you not being here makes me sad. No matter what happens, please stay. I consider you a friend and I do not want to lose you. 

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 4:16pm

You've nailed it, AgedOut! After a decade of reading Cover’s insightful, interesting comments, appreciating the way she’s reached out to other ‘steppers’ and by empathising with her stressful, home situation, she’s become a friend. Although it’s an online friendship, I've also learned to care for her and I’ll bet the farm that there are a number of other members who feel the same. It hurts me, to know that she's suffering. Sad

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 3:35pm

Oh, Hon! How I sympathize with what you're going through right now! As a two-time divorcée, I’m an expert at how devastating divorce can be; even when you have all the right on your side and your marriage has become intolerable. The consequent disappointment, grief and anxiety can be crippling.

Having to wait a month before having it out with your husband must be adding a huge amount of stress to your life. If you haven’t already, I strongly suggest that see a therapist to help you cope during the next few weeks. Do you have family and friends who you trust enough to discuss your feelings?

Cover, I’ve been reading your posts for years and have always been impressed with the way you coped with your difficult SDs and your uncompromising husband. Life with the three of them has to have been tough at times. I certainly hope that you’re able to work things out in the best possible way.

This site can be very helpful to the members, like yourself (StepUltimate comes to mind), who are caught up in relationship upset; we’ve ‘been there, done that’ so please, stick around!

 

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Tue, 07/09/2024 - 10:14pm

Yo, Sweetie! You've been an inspiration to so many of us! You've had more positive influence on the fraught and lost ST members than you suppose. I hope that you appreciate the value of your contributions?

There are newbies who can benefit from your wisdom so I’m glad that you continue to dip your experienced toe into these ongoing, troubled waters, offering your veteran’s advice. ♥️

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 5:14pm

Thanks much (everyone).

I already have a list of three counselors I'm going to call tomorrow and decide on one soon. Definitely need this.

I'm also blessed to have wonderful friends; none of who know anything right now but for ONE who is 100% helping me and listening/providing feedback.  It's all been so recent that I'm just starting to process things. I'm also going to talk with my sister soonish.

I'm furious that just as both SDs are gone, that this may be done. I truly feel like I've wasted 10 years.  I don't think DH will be able to be truthful with me and I don't think he'll go for a marriage counselor. I don't think I even want to bother staying if he does. And it truly sucks to have to wait, but really, it's in my benefit so I can get sh*t done: go through all my things and prep to leave, find and get counseling started, talk with my (no longer his as far as I'm concerned, financial counselor, I already updated my life insurance beneficiaries, can look up divorce mediators, get my will updated in a different way etc.).

Once I have a handle on things I'll update you all and I will likey not leave this board. I'll be telling everyone DON'T DO IT.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 5:22pm

I'm so sorry to hear this. To echo what was said above - you are one of the most helpful people on this site and I hate it that things are becoming more difficult for you. Please stay in touch as much as you can, we are all here for you.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 5:31pm

I'm so sorry that it has come to this, Cover, especially after everthing you have been through with, and for, this man.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 6:31pm

We are here for you. I'm sorry it's come to this, but it's a tale as old as time, and I'm sure your spouse will feel "blindsided." I know my first husband did even though I had been warning him for seven years. ((hugs))

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 10:01pm

I'm sure your spouse will feel "blindsided." I know my first husband did even though I had been warning him for seven years.
 

Same 

The Disneyland dad I dealt with claimed he was "blindsided"

Like are you that dumb to think I'm going to sit here arguing with you every mfing weekend ontop of dealing with your construction grade baggage?!? 
 

He learned real quick that I was not as desperate as his ex wife 

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 9:13pm

Certainly hope you all can make it work (IF you believe it's workable) 

Now if you think it's too many red flags .... Leave his a$$ AND leave with half!!!

Hope you're okay in the meantime 

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 10:05pm

I'm so sorry. Totally relate to feeling like time has been wasted when you've sucked it up and "gotten through" so much for/with someone. You deserve better. No matter how it works out, I hope you're able to do what's best for you. Good luck with getting your ducks in a row, please keep us posted. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 07/08/2024 - 11:17pm

Cover. Just take care of you.  He and the rest of the situation are not worth you and your wellbeing.

We will all be here when you need us.

I am sorry that he has been found so lacking.

 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 07/09/2024 - 8:30am

Why is he visiting family without you?  Where do you stand in this marrage?  Personal it looks to me you really don't have a marrage. You just spend some time together when it fits his schedule.  Time to either see someone for marrage counciing.  And make uo those two list. Good points of your marriage and list two,, bad points of your marriage.  See which one is bigger.  
 

Regardless of what he does, you should see someone to get your head strate .  To start think in a healthy way.  Talking to a professional is always a good thing. Even if you learn one thing it's worth it. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Tue, 07/09/2024 - 10:58am

IM sorry you are going through this!

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Tue, 07/09/2024 - 2:58pm

Take this time to breathe and plan your options. I hope you find peace too. Major surprises can really wreck a person until a path emerges. And it will.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Tue, 07/09/2024 - 4:58pm

I"m sorry Cover. I hope it works out but either way, you will be ok. You are smart, articulate, and you have the wisdom of a stepmom. Keep us updated when you can. I am sending you good vibes.

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Tue, 07/09/2024 - 9:27pm

Hey Cover, I echo the sentiments posted above. Ten years of my life... I can relate so much. I'm sorry you're going through this, but take heart - it gets soooOOOoo much better! 

Freedom is priceless. Ii'm busy packing my house to move out of state, and it's really freeing going through and getting rid of stuff, especially stuff from my decade with now-xH & xSS. I'm grateful to be free of the future-faking, gaslighting, rage-outs, betrayal, DARVO, and love-bombing manipulation. 

YOU ROCK and we're all here for you. Sending love & hugs & strength to you. ♡