Blog Hog: Breaking Point/Need Support
Sorry to be a blog hog today, but I am at my breaking point and have nowhere to turn for support.
I have been struggling for months. I work remotely in an unfulfilling job, where there is too much caddiness and drama to keep the organization running. My boss is an idiot who does nothing, yet she constantly criticizes and projects her own lack of work ethic onto everyone else. And I can't go to her boss because they are best friends and my boss is protected. I have applied to hundreds of jobs over the last 6 months and haven't gotten a single call back. I have two Masters degrees and I am highly trained in my fields. I paid to have my resume redone. I spend hours on every application. Yet, all I hear is crickets.
DD is now 2.5 and we are in the full swing of the terrible twos. Everything is "No" and screaming, and crying, and constant arguing. It is constant stomping and slamming doors and timeouts. No matter what parenting method we try, it just turns into her acting out, me getting frustrated, yelling, and then walking away, then me feeling guilty for getting frustrated and just hating myself. I have days where I wake up, wishing it was bed time again, so I didn't have to deal with DD. Then I feel like a terrible human and Mom for feeling that way, because I love DD with everything I am.
DH is working at a job he refuses to leave, despite the fact they are severely underpaying him for his role/skillset. I have told DH that per market data, he is making $20-30k less at this role than he can at other companies. I swear he hears it, but it goes in one ear and out the other and he stays. He says he's trying, but it's one job application here and there. This has led to major resentment because we live paycheck to paycheck. I am the breadwinner because between taxes, health insurance, and child support, he loses about half his checks each pay period. It feels like DH isn't willing to do more or do better to financially help out and I just find myself raging because he won't "do better." And DH is very materialistic so he's always wanting something, so it seems like nothing is ever good enough. So it feels like it's on me to make up the difference and make more money to provide for our family.
I feel like I carry the full mental load of parenting, working full-time, and managing the house. DH helps out and does his part, but it never feels like enough. It feels like I am responsible to remember everything and keep everything running smoothly while DH just does tasks.
Sprinkle in the SS12 and BM/GF bullshit (like tonight) and I have had it up to here. Unfortunately, because DH was wishy washy when SS was little, it has led to the situation we have now. Part of me wishes he either committed to walking away when SS was a baby or went all in and fought like hell when SS was a baby. But because he was half in/half out when SS was younger, appeasing BM in the name of co-parenting and not fighting for his rights, it led to the shitty situation we have now. I wish we could cut steplife out of our life and just be done for good, even if that meant losing SS, because dealing with steplife shit isn't worth it. And I hate that I let it impact me this much and everyone tells me not to, but I literally can't help it. I go full on panic and perseveration when step life creeps into our life.
I find myself regretting my entire life - regretting becoming a parent to DD, regretting meeting and pursuing a relationship with DH, hating this life I have. Yet I'm terrified to walk away from this life, losing DD for half the time, and losing DH who has been my best friend even if he isn't the best partner. I feel like majority of our life would be so good if we never had to deal with BM/GF and SS, but steplife rewrote my brain and it has stolen so many moments and experiences from me. The trauma from step life has completely warped my views on parenting, family, love, etc.
I just feel like I wish I could undo everything and start over or I wish I could just disappear.
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Comments
Ages 1-4 were the hardest for
Ages 1-4 were the hardest for me. At times parenting felt like a job. Once they get a little older, it's so much better. I have to ask, since you work remotely, what kind of daycare do you have for DD?
DD is home with me on Mondays
DD is home with me on Mondays while I'm working, DH works remote on Tuesdays/Thursdays so she is home with both of us (but I seem to carry most of the weight), and she goes to daycare on Wednesdays and Fridays. We can't afford more daycare as we are already maxed out on our budget with 2 days per week and we don't have any family support that can really step in and help consistently.
I want to be clear - my job isn't hard per say. Because our company is screwed up, I have very little to do on a given day, so it's almost like "on call," but trying to manage both simultaneously when work does arise exhausts me. By 5 pm, I'm shot for the day.
Damn, no wonder you are
Damn, no wonder you are exhausted. For 3/5 days you are working and caring for a toddler. Hopefully there are some preschool programs she can get into within the next few years that will take some of the pressure off. Idk how you do it.
Also, your BM situation sucks. Do you think if you stopped helping so much, your DH would be more inclined to drop some of the rope? It sounds like you guys are dealing with an energy-sucking narcissist. The less you deal with her, the better.
No. DH doesn't want to fight
No. DH doesn't want to fight with BM, but he also isn't going to walk away from SS either. When I've stepped back before, it just wreaked more havoc in our lives because DH basically handed BM total control and did whatever she wanted. Then that flooded into our life because she was constantly manipulating and changing everything that was a grey area in the CO.
Sometimes I just wish DH would give up completely because if he isn't going to fight her to keep SS, what is the point. It's not worth continuing this for the scraps we are given. But DH refuses to "give up" on his son despite mostly giving up. And it sucks because we all love SS so much (hell, I've known him for 11 years) but I think everyday that this isn't worth it.
With all that b has put you
With all that b has put you guys through, your feelings are understandable.
But even if you aren't just
But even if you aren't just grinding the whole time, being "on call" while caring for a toddler is still too much. A lot of exhaustion comes from emotional labor, and you're doing all of it.
You poor kid!
You poor kid!
As if your domestic woes were not bad enough, you’re also stuck with the worst BM on this site. You hate your job so there’s no relief there. And there’s your husband, refusing to find better-paying employment despite having the qualifications to do so. Hon, you are building resentment that will compromise your marriage, particularly with so much else piled on.
So, your DH is ‘working at a job he refuses to leave’, although he could earn thousands more elsewhere, leaving you to take up the slack. Nice for him. You’re paying the price for his youthful follies in more ways than one. Time for a serious talk with him, telling him, in no uncertain terms, that he’d better get his stubborn ass out there and find work that pays more!
You are a patient, considerate and thoroughly good person, Castle, to the point where even your 2 ½-year-old daughter is taking advantage of you. Tantrums, screaming, stomping, slamming doors? No, no, no! (as your daughter would say). She’s behaving in this way because you’re allowing it. Time to ignore the carrying-on, take her to her room and leave her there to calm down. When my daughters were toddlers, back in the dark ages (1963), such behaviour was never tolerated and spanking was standard practice.
I’ll probably get vilified for saying this but your child’s over-the-top conduct would certainly improve if she got a couple of smacks across the backside! My daughters are perfectly well-adjusted adults, despite a few spankings in their childhoods. Today’s worshiping of children, in my opinion, has led to the entitled, depressed, anxious youngsters that seem to be in the majority.
Thank you, grannyd, for the
Thank you, grannyd, for the validation.
We/I are working so hard with DD. That behavior isn't tolerated AT ALL. Each attempt is met with time outs, loss of privileges, etc. It just seems like no matter what the approach, it never sets in. I/we always take control in these situations and if she continues (simply to get a reaction), we walk away, making sure she loses her audience. We have read so many behavioral parenting books and tried so many things.
Even our pediatrician was surprised by how stubborn, sassy, and fiercely independent DD is, which almost makes me feel worse because I don't know where she got that from (is it us?!). It feels like everything tries and fails with her and it's exhausting. And because I can't "crack the code," I feel like a total failure as a parent.
My youngest was like that.
My youngest was like that. For example, wouldn't take medicine. Would slap your hand away from their mouth, spit it out, and when made to swallow, intentionally throw it up. Finally i said "Well, i'm going to have to take you for a shot." And i did, and the kid didn't even cry for the shot, just looked at me defiantly.
I did spank them a few times, but only when i needed them to listen immediately for their own safety. Mostly I had to be very matter-of-fact. If they saw me flustered or seeming to lose control it was like blood in the water. I remember putting them in time-out and holding the door for what seemed like hours, telling them they could come out when they were ready to stop fussing and listen (do as told.) It was probably only 15 minutes but it was the only way to keep them in there. This was around age 2-3. They did grow out of it and became a well-behaved child.
That age is just hard, and it got better and better from there. This is the hardest age for parenting and you are doing it while working and dealing with step hell. Your feelings are completely normal and you are doing better than most would in your situation. How many BMs do we read about that can't hold a job and still can't deal with their kids? You are stronger than most people could ever hope to be. Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. I hope your DH appreciates you and can learn to step up and be half the parent and partner you are.
We had one of these incidents with SS as a young kid. Just one.
Mostly he was a very calm mellow kid, well behaved, and easy to parent.
The poor kid was sick as a dog at the time of the one incident. His mom had a work conflict so I took him to see his pediatrician. He was running a fever and had a bronchitis infection. So, shot to the rump. When the Doc and nurse told him he had to have a shot he started screaming, howling, raging, and fighting. The nurses and the Doc were trying to calm him, etc... I finally had enough and got in his face, told him to knock it off, then I held him down on the exam table. told a nurse to grab his legs and hold them down, and told the doc to stab him in the ass and get it over with. It took 2 more nurses, a total of 5 of us, to give that kid the shot. The kid had his butt cheeks clinched so tightly the doc could not push the plunger and had to force the syringe plunger down squeezing it in his fist.
The whole pedi team was in shock after that bullshit. As we left the exam room they handed him a lollipop. I told him hell no, put it back in bowl. We walked into the waiting room and the whole place was traumatized. Kids in parents laps crying their eyes out, parents with a bug eyed shocked look in their faces and SS then 4-5ish sulking as we walked to the door to leave. He was embarrassed. Once the door closed I picked SS up, stood him on the coping of the brick planter in front of the Doc office and we had a face to face talk about that shit. I was firm, let him know that he had embarrassed himself and me, he had seen me give myself thousands of injections and knew damned well that while shots are no fun, they won't hurt you, and that though I understood that he was afraid to get a shot, he caused himself and everyone else far more pain by losing his shit. I pounted out the still crying kids and shocked parents in the window behind me. That talk closed with the clear message that he better not ever pull that crap again. He never did. After the talk, I gave him a hug.
All this was viewed through the window by the bug eyed parents, still crying children, and the med team through the window.
After that, we went to one of our favorite places for a kid/dad lunch. The kid ate like a horse. He gave me several "I'm sorry dad"s during lunch. I let him know that like anything, he was no longer in trouble but it could not happen again.
After that, to help him get over his fear of needles and shots, I started letting him give me insulin injections occassionally. He sterilized the bottle tops with alcohol pads, sterilized the injection site, drew up the insulin, capped the syringe, put everything away, then gave me the shot, clipped the needle in the snipper, and disposed of the needle in the sharps container. We never had a repeat of the freak out over a shot again. He even once asked the nurse if he could give himself the shot. The look he got from the nurse was funny as hell.
The nurse told him no, he started negotiating telling the nurse that he gives his dad shots all of the time and and has probably given more shots than the nurse had. A 4-6yo trying to convice a nurse that he knew her job better than they did had us all three laughing eventually. When we would go to the Pediatrician and that nurse was on duty she and SS would have a fun banter about the shot topic.
We were fortunate that SS was really a pretty great kid.
But that little turd was strong as could be when he did not want a needle in his butt cheek.
Kids do not get to not take meds. If that means the kid getting sat on and their nose pinched to get them to open their mouth and a pill or syrup being put down their throats, then their mouth couvered and their nose pinched shut until they either turn blue or swallow, or having 5 adults hold them down while stabbing them in the ass with a needle, so be it.
smh
In the interest of full disclosure, I was a shot cryer as a kid myself. I hated them. Karma came calling when I was Dx'd as a T-1 diabetic at 16, though I had stopped the crying over shots when I was about 10. But let's be honest. Who actually likes getting a shot. I am likely one of the most perferated individuals on the planet and I still do not like shots. They don't bother me, but I sure as hell do not like them. I like hyperglycemia even less so, perferated I will be. Though instead of up to a dozen half inch needles a day on a MDI (Multi Daily Injection) regimen, I do about a 2.5 inch needle 1.5 times a week to set an infustion set for my pump. Watching my own hand slide a 2+ inch needle in my arm/leg/stomach still gives me the heebiejeebies upon occassion. Nearly 44 years after I started my life giving needle habit.
Have you had a heart-to-heart
Have you had a heart-to-heart with DH? Can the two of you create a list of priorities and work together, or support each other, working your way down the list of what needs to be handled (would it be more important for him to change jobs right now or you? How can you support/push one another? Are there more tasks--including remembering things--he can take on or other things he can do so that you aren't carrying most of the weight?) Based on finances, it sounds like it might be more important for your husband to focus on job hunting right now (higher salary, more daycare). Is it reasonable for you to help him look/apply, perhaps putting your job hunting on hold (for you to have more time rather than less time). Sometimes it helps to map things out, write them down, when we're overwhelmed.
I get it about applying for jobs! I left a similar job situation to yours 6 months ago with an incompetent boob for a boss and the equally dim-witted board chair in her back pocket. First time I ever quit a job without having another one waiting. I know the effort and time of applying then getting zero response. I've also had virtual interviews that went nowhere, one 3-hour in-person interview and no follow up. But over the past two weeks, everything (finally) exploded and I received three offers. I'm telling you this to remind you that something will happen, but it sounds like you need to have other things in order so that a new job wouldn't create more feelings of being overwhelmed.
You've got a lot on your plate and need a breather. I'm for planning. Talking and planning. And finding stress relief--counseling, exercising, meditating, etc.
Oh hon, I'm so sorry you are in this state of mind. You are one
Oh, hon, I'm so sorry you are in this state of mind. You are one of my favorite people here and I hate to see you so stressed. I know you said you have read lots of parenting books, have you tried "Love and Logic?" My sister followed the basic ideas with my niece, who was a bit headstrong, and it seemed to work. The basic premise is that all actions have consequences - either pleasant or not. In most instances, the child is given a choice in the matter, they can choose the behavior that will get them a negative or a positive consequence, but having the choice seems to help with the constant struggle for control between parent and child.
As for your DH, is he spending beyond your means? If so, that needs to stop until he chooses to get a better job. As you said, you are carrying your family financially, so the least he can do is to watch his spending.
I so relate to the concept of being responsible for everything! Even if your DH is helping with the actual chores and things that need to get done, it is exhausting being the one responsible for everything, even if you aren't doing each individual thing. Is there any way you can delegate the responsibility of one area of your life to him?
Several days a week you are basically doing two jobs at once, your work and childcare - that has to be exhausting. Any way you could hire a local teen to help a little bit in the afternoons? Even one day a week would probably be helpful.
It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed at the moment. Please try and find a bit of time somewhere for just yourself.
I have heard of Love and
I have heard of Love and Logic, but haven't looked into it too much. Our pediatrician recommended Happiest Toddler on the Block amongst others. I will have to check it out.
As far as finances go, he isn't spending outside of our means. Between our mortgage, daycare, car payments, student loans, and the necessities (gas, groceries, utilities), there is often only a few hundred bucks left over if any at all. When I say that DH wants things - it's just that. He wants things. So I often hear him talking about cars, entertainment systems, etc. and it often feels like the life we live isn't good enough, despite how hard I feel I work to help make ends meet. I am just of the opinion that if he has so much going out in CS monthly, it's his job to make it up when things are tight, so I think his lack of ambition mixed with his wants for everything is really pissing me off given the steplife/CS situation we are in thanks to his poor 19 year old choices.
I need to figure out what it is exactly that I need and how I can loop DH in on being part of the solution instead of part of the problem.
I get what you are saying and agree, since his child support
I get what you are saying and agree, since his child support is a big part of your expenses, he should be doing whatever he can to make up for it. Your last sentence says it all - maybe a therapist could help you with that part.
Give "Love and Logic" a look - I think what makes it a little different is the concept of giving the child choices. I know not everyone agrees with the idea, but it really makes sense in the way it is used and certainly worked for my niece.
Doing that worked for me. If
Doing that worked for me. If there could be a choice or if it was something that usually started an argument, instead of "What do you want to eat/read/etc?" Or "You are eating/reading/etc this." I would say "Do you want x or y?" If they said "I want z!" I would say "X, y, or nothing/go to timeout, pick one." When they choose, i'd say "great choice, that's a really good one!"
We kind of do that. We give
We kind of do that. We give DD guided choices where we are okay with either option - two colored shirts, two breakfast options, two activities to do, etc. We give her the option to choose because we are okay with both. She usually doesn't deviate from the options we provide, but we also don't give her an unlimited time to choose. If she doesn't choose within a reasonable time, we choose for her, which usually results in a meltdown and timeout.
She will grow out of this.
She will grow out of this. You are doing everything you are supposed to do. In time, this phase will be something you laugh about. The SS/BM issue, too. At least he's 12 and not 2. 6 years from now, your kid will be a pleasant elementary-age kid, BM will be off the payroll, and will lose every shred of control she legally has. It seems like forever, but this nightmare has an expiration date.
Thank you for all the advice
Thank you for all the advice and reassurance. It's just a hard phase of life right now and some days are harder than others.
I have been with DH since SS was 11 months old, so it feels like this situation has been going on forever and in many ways it has been - 11 years. I know 6 years will be over in the blink of an eye. And while I will be so happy to be off BMs payroll and out from under her legal control, it's also bittersweet knowing that SS will be an adult and his childhood that we missed out on so much of will be over. I am thankful that DD will be 8 and our (hopefully) next one would be 4ish when he ages out so steplife won't take over most of their childhood.
I appreciate you for being my voice of reason.
((hugs))
sending you positive vibes from california!
As for the terrible 2s, too
As for the terrible 2s, too bad that cattle prods are not approved for use on ranting toddlers.
The ranting little ankle biting carpet Nazis can be a hand full for sure.
For us, it was people asking ff our kid was okay and if something was wrong with him. He was disturbingly mellow. The one shot to the butt incident not withstanding.
Hang it there mom and dad. It does fade eventually.
I’m sorry you are dealing
I’m sorry you are dealing with all of this. My niece was very much this way, super sassy and trying to punish her did no good. Fast forward to today and my niece is a fiercely independent young woman who will be attending a state university working towards a law degree. So, while it’s hard now these kids can grow up to be expectational people.
Not sure on the DH front, is he helping to lighten your mental load, or does he wait around for you to tell him what to do? It’s all to easy for woman to burnout now a days because they carry everything, and men’s ideology is that they work…that’s it.
As for the money issues I get it, DH and I both make decent salaries between us, and we still live paycheck to paycheck. We don’t live outlandishly or beyond our means but with the rising cost of everything we are maxed out.
As for BM/GF they will continue to be a bone of contention until such time as SS ages out and I know that’s hard. All you can do it lighten that load and leave it all up to DH.
Just chiming in here a bit
Just chiming in here a bit late. That sounds like an awful lot you are having to deal with all at once! Toddlers alone are a lot of work. I had 3 kids in 1.5 years lol. My son was so much work as a toddler. I laugh now thinking back but it was just so much. For a whole year. Kicking doors, running away, trying to get him to walk to daycare and him kicking his shoes off his feet and getting limpy knees when walking. The one thing though is that he grew out of it. It was bad but we got through it. I just tried to keep him busy,... Wear him out.. It was tiring.
Is there anyway you can
Is there anyway you can encourage your husband to apply to those other jobs, see if changes can be made... I get it. I have a husband who is very stuck in his role too. In our case he feels a loyalty to his work and its a bit frustrating for me because I know that other similar companies offer at least a few dollars more per hour etc. I keep encouraging him to at least keep his mind open...
But in your situation things aren't working well for your household. I think that you have too much going on that it's causing exhaustion and it would be great if your husband could alleviate any of that... So that he helps and takes on more to make a more even distribution. Cause it's easy to say oh things are fine but you seem to be doing more work.
If he was making more then maybe you could have more money for an extra day of daycare to help with things
One thing.. When she's school age at least daycare is a bit easier cause she'll be in school for part of the time. It does get a bit easier then. I feel like it's the hardest before they are school age for having care
We must be working for the
We must be working for the same sociopathic employer/managers lol .... ughhhh..... I'm a fan of keeping a side hustle/gig/income because these employers know you heavily depend on them will treat you any kind of way
Have a serious conversation with your husband and see what he's willing to do to help out more.
Don't feel bad about the parenting we've all be there where these kids tested the limits and we blew up. I know I have. Let family, friends, people you trust help you with the kid. We had a drop in day care where I had zero shame dropping little Lilly jr off (she loved entertaining herself with other new kids) to get some needed adult time to regroup to tackle parenting.
feel like majority of our
I feel ya on that.
I still carry resentment (which I have to let go of) about the Disneyland dad I used to deal with letting his conniving beastly breeder and domestic t3rrorist ferals encroach numerous boundaries in our home causing destruction of our relationship
I feel guilty thinking about how much better things would have been between us without their interference and how much I hated him for acting clueless about how their behavior impacted our home in a negative way
Anyways if I could give words of advice I'd say acknowledge your feels whilst also doing what you can to appreciate the good things that are going well.