Feeling Helpless
This is more of a rant that it is seeking advice, but please do provide any feedback.
Most of my previous posts have been about my youngest SD and her toxic narcassistic BM. SD just turned 18 last week and is not going to school full time, so support payments will now stop (fingers crossed - never know with BM). New agreement was drawn up and BM signed so hopefully this is the end of it.
However, this post is about DH's oldest - SS who is 26 years old, married and one child of his own. He and I have always got along. Hate to say it, but out of all of skids, he was my favourite. Very close with DH, they spoke on the phone almost daily. DH has always been there for him. SS married a troubled girl - nice enough but has BPD (borderline personality disorder) that she was diagnosed with after SS married her. She is extremely controlling and has even started to isolate SS from the rest of his family. Up until a month ago, SS would facetime every night with the baby (now 1 year old). They would visit us at least once every weekend.
A month ago when SS's wife had SS's BM (not the same BM as SD18) throw grandson's 1st birthday party. DH bought the grandson one of those remote control cars that the baby could sit/strap in and parents could control via remote. DH was very excited about giving this to his grandson. Did I mention it was a Bentley? lol Yes, with usb port for music to play, lights, etc...DH put it together himself and called SS to tell him about it (DH is terrible at keeping secrets and couldn't wait to tell SS). Not 10 minutes after the call with SS, SS texts DH to tell him that the grandson is too young for the car, to not bring it to the party and that we had to respect his wife's wishes. DH replied that the grandson would grow into it (Grandson is already 25 lbs - recommended start weight for the car is 30 lbs). SS said no, grandson is too young, don't bring it. Poor DH was so deflated. I felt so horrible for him. This is his first grandson so he was excited about this. He didn't even want to go the party anymore. I convinced him that we should still go, be the bigger person here, that I'd pick up some clothes as a gift.
We went to the party and SS and his wife would barely speak to him. DH was the bigger person, at the end of the party gave SS a hug and love you. Since then, SS has only reached out to us twice: once when DH found a day job that he thought SS would be interested in for extra money so he texted him which resulted in a call back about the job and a quick facetime with the grandson; and this week, SS reached out via text asking if DH could bring his tool box to him (SS doesnt drive). DH texted back asking why we haven't seen/heard from him and the baby and when we would we see the baby. SS said he'd make it happen when DH drops off his tools.
Two weekends ago it was grandson's baptism. DH and I went. But boy was it uncomfortable. At the reception afterwards, SS and his wife did not say two words to us. We listened to other family members speak about what the grandson has been doing lately (starting to speak words, climbing...) and it really saddened me to hear all that we have been missing, even in one month.
I have stayed out of it. Although I would love to reach out to SS to ask what is going on. What have DH and I done for us, but especially DH, to be cut off. DH is very hurt by this. And that makes me angry - DH has done absolutely nothing wrong. He bought his grandson a gift that SS's wife doesn't approve of? And that warrants radio silence, no access to grandson? It doesn't make sense. And this is so not like SS. I'm angry at SS for not sticking up for DH. And if there is more to this, we'd love to know. But SS is not answering DH's calls and only responds the few times mentioned via text. 
Stay close to your SS
They always say when you suspect a child's spouse is trying to isolate them, to stay in contact the best you can, in case they ever need help. It sounds like that's what you guys are trying to do. It's sad tor your DH, I agree.
It would seem odd that things
It would seem odd that things could go so off the rail over one gift.. unless the perception was that letting the baby have it was not a big deal.. or could have been percieved as trying to overstep the parent's judgement.
Just as an aside.. I looked up what I think your SO bought and while it is a super nice gift.. it probably was something that he should have checked with the parents before he bought it to see if that would be something they would want their child to have.
The min age is 2.. and a younger baby (if your SGS is just one).. might not have the neck control to sit in it without risking injury due to use... it's not just weight.. but age that has to be taken into account with these. Another issue might be safety of where it could be used by them.. and possibly the ability for them to store such a large item.
We gave my DHs grandons one that was a forklift that two kids could ride on.. but the youngest was 2 at the time.. and they enjoyed it.. but their parents also live down a long drive on acreage with a large paved area in front of their oversized workshop garage. he did ask his daughter first too.
I'm not saying that your husband was wrong for wanting to get such a nice gift.. and I'm sure he was disappointed it was not well recieved.. but he should be more direct with his son about the lack of contact and ask what he can do to make amends.
It’s my bet
that SS's wife was looking for something to cause a break between SS and his dad. My former DIL has borderline personality disorder (which, weirdly enough, she's rather proud of...) and would pull crap like this. I had always been cautious when I bought my granddaughter *anything* without her approval because of just a situation like this. I remember once sending her a photo of a pair of pink high tops and she actually got offended because why would I think she would have a problem with them? Aaaggghhh... soooo glad she's a former DIL!
A normal person would just say "hey, dad, he's really too young for that now so how about keeping it until his next birthday?" But people who like to be offended will always find a way to achieve it.
It isn't always easy being a grandparent.
BPDs love exaggerating things
BPDs love exaggerating things in order to have an excuse for conflict. They love getting others to side with them against "enemies." I think this should be brought out into the open. Uddermudder, your DH should confront his son. And since you've had a solid relationship with him, I see no reason for you not to talk to him yourself. Ask him what is the matter.
This is 100% likely - she was
This is 100% likely - she was looking for a way and this was the only avenue. A very normal reaction would be to suggest it for the 2nd birthday. DH's intent was GOOD- there wasn't anythign wrong and as adults they should have seen it as the intent. ALSO DH did respect their wishes and didn't bring it... I mean...come on now...it's a present and he ended up checking with the son before and listened to what they said. Good look for SS and DIL - she's going to make his life hell. Just hang out on teh sidelines and try your best to realize that stepgrandkid is going to be used as a weapon to manipulate and control...watch the behavior it's pretty clear.
Everyone needs to be educated
Everyone needs to be educated on the Boarderline disorder she has been diagnosed with. It's a hard one to live with. The car can be kept at Grandpa's house and played with there. Is she getting help for it? Is SS getting help to cope with her?
there's a couple of great books out there that can help with understanding BPD. Walking on Eggshells and the Borderline mother.
Actually, if the parent doesn
Actually, if the parent doesn't want their child to have a toy.. the grandparents should not end run things and keep it at their house. It seems like there is an age limit for the toy.. it appears the child at 1 is a year away from being able to use it. I would not dismiss the parent's parenting decision here.
I think more communicationwith his son to get more clarity could help.. and be supportive of his son and his relationship if he wants to be in it.
Trying to look at both sides here.
Trying to be the devil's advocate here.
On the one hand, is it possible that face-timing EVERY night with grandpa was perhaps a bit much? Maybe SS felt it was fine but his wife was of a different opinion. I certainly understand that your DH loves his grandchild but maybe that nightly call was somehow interfering with their homelife/routine. Maybe DIL wanted SS to address the issue, and instead of doing so directly and in a mature way ("Hey Dad, we love that you want to see baby every day on Facetime but we need to cut back on those calls a bit. It can sometimes interupt our nightly routine. I hope you understand...)
On the other hand, the stone cold attitude exhibited by BOTH of them when they saw you in person is not acceptable. It's childish and hurtful. If there is something bothering them they need to be adults and communicate what those issues are.
I also agree with JRI, above, who mentions your SS appearing to becoming isolated from family. If he is doing so at his wife's bidding, or fear from her wrath, then that 's problematic. Your DH should have a one-on-one with him and express his concerns.
The one thing I find telling is that SS has no problem communicating with his dad if he WANTS something from him (job, tools). Why is that? Could it be SS feels safe talking about those subjects since it isn't about the baby? And his wife has laid down boundaries regarding baby?
Anyway, as I learned many years ago on this site the drama doesn't end when skids become adults. There are too many heartbroken stepgrands out there who thought things would change, fell in love with the gskids and then get cut off at the knees at some point.
That's why I will not have anything more than a superficial, cordial relationship with my SO's grandkids when and if I ever see them (rarely). .
This is also very very solid
This is also very very solid advice. Yep, I am in teh same boat - superficial, cordial relationship with DH's grandkid if and when I see them. I totally understand and believe that if the relationship was rotten prior there's no way in hell that the grandkid isn't going to be turned toxic and rotten too - it becomes a weapon IMHO. So I steer clear.
And that stone cold behavior in public? I've faced this many times - it is UNACCEPTABLE, DISRESPECTFUL and should NOT be put up with. We literally had SKID and DIL turn their back on us after we committed a whole day of celebrating them- long drive, paid for a bunch of stuff, showed up to the event (this was #3 mandatory event that year alone) and then when they saw us in the crowd- they publicly disavowed us and turned their backs to us not acknowledging us. It took me a couple more events that they performed that garbage behavior to realize this is garbage and we/I don't deserve it. I no longer show up to be treated in that manor nor do I pay for things - it's deplorable especially by adults and should NOT be tolerated. Do I have much of a relationship with them? No. But did I have much of a relationship when I was at their beck and call ? Also No. Please be good to yourself.
You brought up a point I didn
You brought up a point I didn't originally think of.. if the boy has been talking to his dad almost daily.. and with the child almost daily face timing. perhaps the dil felt that was "too much".. and disruptive of her family time? she could also have some perception that your DH and/or you are "against her" and she is trying to minimize contact.. and the pendulum swung the other way..
If son and dad have had a great relationship in the past.. I think dad needs to have a heart to heart with his son.. stressing that he doesn't want to cause any conflict in his son's relationship.. but that he wants to continue to have a good one to the best extent possible.
His wife has BPD (borderline personality disorder)
Or simply crazy. Or you can't deal with crazy. They live in a world of there own. For some reason DIL has gotten something in her head that you are doing something to her. Controlling her, Or her SOBis spend too much time talking to his father. [ like I said. You can not deal with crazy]. You must back down.
Try to contact DIL and kiss her ass , Asking he for advice, DIL what do you think we should get GS for his. X [birthday] Y [ Christmas]. Ect. Giving her control. Or tell her to go F herself. And disengage. Pick your choice
Disengage IMHO Harry..
Disengage IMHO Harry...kissing butt and falling to your knees with a high controlling DIL with BPD is like adding gasoline to an out of control fire where you can't even predict where winds will blow it. No thanks ! Not for me- if you do this then REALLY make sure that you and DH have a therapist on hand and sees you on a weekly basis to make sure it doesn't turn into something really crazy.
For some reason, and sadly,
For some reason, and sadly, those who end up partnered with "syndromed" mates lose their testicular fortitude. Men or women seem to have this issue when in these types of relationships. Even people who are otherwise very confindent and competent. They turn into sullen ball-less cowards who kowtow to their toxic mates and let those mates destroy strong family relationships and sadly, destroy their own kids.
My brother, the C-suite highly successful multinational corporate leader golden wizard is one who did this for far too long. His DW threatened to take his kids if he did not do as she mandated. Sadly, he handed her his testicles for far too long. Then.... mom and dad retired and built their home midway between his house and ours. They were 4miles from us, 2miles from them. DB's kids and mom and dad built very strong relationships and are the ones that actually put their collective little feet up their mother's ass and made her life a living hell until she pulled her head out of her manipuplative syndromed ass and my brother was able to slowly re-endage with our family. It was particularly heartbreaking for me as there was a period of several years where I had nearly zero interface with my brother. We worked together at the same company, we built homes on the same street about 1/4mile from each other. SIL tried to be the Sr mommy and mentor and advise my DW who is about 5yrs younger than SIL but had been a mom for 18mos when my niece was born. The balance that SIL wanted in the SIL mommy dynamic with my DW did not happen. My SIL really is a sweet person, though she is the most naive self absorbed person I have ever known. Even though they have been married nearly 31 years, I worry about my brother. He is an amazing man, a phenominal dad, and a truly outstanding executive. What breaks my heart is that he has never had an amazing worthy partner. He had decided to end his relationship with his them GF when they found out they were pregnant. So, being the man that he is, he married the mother of his not yet then born DD, he has raised his kids (3 of them at least), provided exceptionally well for his family, got his three BKs through top notch undergrad degrees, and has managed to get to at least a tolerable status quo in his marriage. The 4th kid he claims to have, is is own wife.
Early in our marriages, we married 9mos apart, we both agreed at the beginning that neither of us married the person that the other would have picked for them. Early, my brother thought that DW was an 18yo single teen mom who was looking for an MRS degree. In the 30 years since then, he is a huge fan of my incredible bride who now and for 20 years has also been a graduate degreed successful professional. Not C-suite, yet. But outstanding in her own right.
I still worry and mourn what my brother could have had if he had married a worthy partner. Again, I do not dislike my SIL. She is a sweetheart. Though my opinion on his choice has not changed. Full disclosure, our mom was a SAHM. She and dad are true partners. My opinion on my SIL is entirely based on her actions over the decades. I dearly wish I was wrong in my initial perceptions or even better, that she had evolved into a viable adult over 30+ years.