My SO may have hero complex
We live in Western NC and as many have seen on the news, it is utter devastation. We are alive and well as are our loved ones and no major damage other than a roof leak and a little flooding in the basement. We are the lucky ones and the few. So many have lost everything including their lives. No one could have ever expected this...not like this.
At the beginning of the storm we still had power and cell service. At about hour 3 all of that was wiped out. We had no way to communicate with anyone and no way to make sure my 7yr old SD was ok. We have a large truck and kayaks and I was 100% on board with driving to their house (SD was with toxic ex narcissistic manipulator bio mom) to make sure they weren't stuck on top of their roof admist rising flood waters. It took a long round about and creative way for us to get there as there were many roads flooded and washed out but when we arrived bio mom and SD were dry and safe and actually playing outside. Just down the road 1/4 mile was flood waters but it did not reach their house.
After making sure that they had water/food/propane etc to which her reply was "we are fine" we left. Baby girl is safe, sigh of relief!!
Keep in mind this woman (toxic ex narcissistic manipulator bio mom) is a grown woman, country gal who as much as i dislike her and hold zero respect for her as a decent human being, she is resourceful. She is also a sibling of 8 with family all over. Many many people that will come together to make sure they are all ok. Again, we made sure SD was so that we could breathe relief.
After we left my SO immediately started in saying "maybe we should take them some food, maybe they need more propane, maybe we should find a generator and take them so SD won't be bored to tears (TV/DVD) and they can save food in their fridge etc. Perhaps my fuse is short when it comes to this woman. If you only knew the lengths to which she has gone to try and run me off and manipulate every single possible situation. Thankfully it hasn't ever worked to her advantage but I know the snake that this woman is. I see her clearly.
Anyhow I responded in an aggravated tone "she said they were fine". This created a "fight" because he's going to make sure his daughter is ok and it has nothing to do with ex crazy. Again I said "she said they were fine!"
No resolution. Anyhow as we are the lucky ones, we spent time checking on and trying to help anyone we could (still are) cutting trees and moving debris, moving by dirt and gravel to try and build back up roads so a 97 year old lady could get out of her driveway and to the doctor.
When we realized major interstates were shut down and fuel shortages in full force we found an alternate route to Knoxville TN and loaded up on 150 gallons of gasoline and 150 gallons of diesel and found two generators. There were cars stranded on sides of roads all over that ran out of gas. We tried to help as many people as possible.
As we were coming back from TN my SO was in a rush to get back so he could take bio mom some fuel and let her use one of the generators. Remember they were fine. This woman even had dry ice for her food. I had asked SD if she was bored without tv or electronics and she said no...they had been to a neighbors that somehow kept power and WiFi so they had been there to hang out and had a hot shower and watched YouTube. They were fine!!!
At this point I had just let it go about his over the top need to be the hero and maybe I just have to. Maybe I am being petty about it. Maybe I have such a distaste for this woman that any amount of kindness shown to her I feel she will take the wrong way. It's not for her. I don't know... Ugghh I just don't know
Anyhow we arrived and they were cleaning out coolers outside because at day 4 their power was restored. Literally 5 minutes before we pulled up to "save the day" with fuel and a generator they had power (a week before we did).
On another note the generator and fuel has been provided to those that truly need it (thankfully) and we have continued trying to to help as much as we can.
It's a long road back to normalcy around here and for any of you wanting to help, Samaritans Purse has been here in full force out of the gate. Local churches are also the ones leading this effort.
There are hundreds dead, thousands who have lost everything and so many still without power. Entire water systems destroyed. It's getting cold now so that is the biggest concern.
In the grand scheme of things I am extremely grateful to be alive well and safe as well as have the ability to get out and help. I need to figure out if I need to communicate a boundary issue here with SO or if the issue is me.
I will say anytime someone is in need or in trouble my SO is the first to want to jump in and help. It is one of the things that I love about him but there are many times it's so reactive without much thought that I sit back and cringe hoping for an alternative. Case and point a teenager that we don't know that goes to my SS school lost his father in a terrible chain of events some months ago. My SOs immediate response was "babe if he needs somewhere to live he is moving in with us. We can't let him suffer and not have a good life".
In my mind I'm screaming "please god let this boy have somewhere to go!" While outwardly my response is "baby i know you want to help and i love that about you but slow down for a bit. He probably has somewhere and someone but if in fact it turns out that he doesn't then we will do whatever we have to do to help this boy". In the end he had family that he had been planning to move in with anyhow. He's in church and counseling and being well taken care of.
Cheers
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Wow
Your post describes the damage better than anything else I've seen. Horrible but I'm so glad you and yours are safe. I'd feel the same if DH were "saving" BM. As you say, that's just how he is. My DH is a "savior", too, and BM used that. Its so irritating. I can remember thinking," I just want her to get her own job, house and boyfrend".
I think that's what irks me
I think that's what irks me more about it. She has her own house and job ...sans boyfriend and she wasn't asking for help. In fact it seemed at first she was annoyed by it. By him coming in to be the savior ...her tone when she said "we are fine" was almost annoyance. Then it switched and you could tell she loved that he was doing this "for her" even bought a generator "for her".
My SO is like that too.
My SO is like that too. "Captain Saveaho." Often his rescue attempts are so harebrained that they end up making things worse and creating a crap ton of work for other people. It's hard to draw the line when they jump into martyr mode. For me, i ask myself if there are better alternatives to help the person. Usually whatever my SO suggests is not the best or only option. Then, i ask myself what work will be put on me (selfish but i don't care about appearing selfish anymore) based on whatever plan he's cooking. I want to be a helpful person but have been burned so badly in these schemes that i have to set boundaries.
"Captain Saveaho". OMG!
"Captain Saveaho". OMG! *ROFL*
Yesss boundaries! I was
Yesss boundaries! I was reading bit more about the hero complex and that is the one of the things it says over and over. If there are boundaries adhered to then it's a wonderful thing or can be. CaptainSaveaho is hilarious!
Would love to hear an example
Would love to hear an example of a harebeained hero idea that you've experienced!
Captain Saveaho
Chef's nephew "The Mechanic" has this syndrome.
I understand your feelings.
I understand your feelings. BM here took every accepted demand, every extra dollar given, and every expression of concern as an "I still own him" kind of message and would ramp up. So, back when they were still in contact, it was hard for me to see him heading down that path.
We regularly vacationed in your area (Asheville, Chimney Rock, Black Mountain, Hendersonville) and have relatives there and in Boone. You are amazing with what you are doing! Praying for everyone in WNC.
Exactly. She doesn't see it
Exactly. She doesn't see it as anything for his little girl. She sees it as still some attachment to her and it feeds her already inflated ego.
I hope everyone you know is also safe and sound. Boone was struck just as hard although I haven't made it there. It really is hard to fathom and honestly there is guilt for being ok and unscathed and no matter how much we try to do to help it's not enough. Continued prayers are appreciated for all of WNC and FL.
I know all of you all are
I know all of you all are going through a hard time (all our friends and family are ok--they only lost power and had some flooded streets)--like living in a war zone (following the destruction); survivor guilt; ptsd; the works; and worse. I'm hoping that everything rapidly heals and improves all the way around!
BM is a adult
She had everything handled. Se didn't want you and her ex interfering. With. Her life. She doesn't wan t you checking on her. If she needed help. You are the last person / persons she would ask. She doesn't check on you .
Exactly my point and why it
Exactly my point and why it was so frustrating. Beyond confirming my SD was alive and well in the midst of chaos and no way to communicate that was all that was necessary.
Those with a hero complex
Those with a hero complex rarely if ever consider the implications of their hero desires on their SO.
I have had my hero phases. I was single during those times, so much of that was rescue project very flawed young women that super Rags could rescue and provide a good life for. Fortunately, they were not interested in a quality life and would rather continue their tragic path.
So, I escaped without significant consequences to my life.