Need to disengage to resurrect my sex drive (and possibly the relationship)

Today I watched my SO in the restaurant give in to his teen and tween kids again and let them have ice cream shake before the meal arrives, then proceed to get through a pile of fries, complain they're too full to even touch the burger, but not too full to request more ice cream for dessert. My SO obliged to all of this, despite me discretely pointing all this out in early stages when it could all still be addressed. He'd make a weak, jokey comment that his kids would completely ignore, and in the end, when I got visibly annoyed about getting them the dessert when they didn't even eat the main, he insisted he wasn't going to waste a good offer that expires today (ice cream with kids meal). This is a very wealthy man, mind you and we were in a cheapo, middle of the week kind of place.

We had a bit of an argument and he also got visibly upset, but dug his heels in, saying that I've taken the fun out of the evening. I've noticed that happen more with him, which is somewhat out of character for him.
Part of me doesn't want to miss any early signs of the relationship going downhill, and part of me is so revolted in moments like that, I want to bolt. Not in the long run, literally, bolt - stand up and start running from wherever we are all sitting.

Another thing that I've realised, which has been baffling me for months, is that the complete nosedive that my sex drive took is due to this feeling of revolt. I'm close to physically retching when I watch a grown man being completely walked over by his children, often with a snarky grin, and him kissing their butt, then minutes later losing his temper and yelling at them, with them continuing to make fun of him or yell back and even threaten, all the while he's paying the bill for the said ice cream dinner.

The man I met and that the world sees is a very elegant, intelligent, handsome man with a twinkle in his eye and a bit of a swag. He's worked his way up to a very well respected position in the corporate world from nothing, as parents were manual labourers.

His kids, however, are embarrassing to be seen with. They wear the same clothes to bed as to a friend's house later as to an upmarket restaurant. You'd think they're homeless, as they refuse to wear anything but cheap, synthetic sportswear, covered in stains, with holes and think nothing of having a fight in an upmarket restaurant.

In our first year I used to get shivers thinking about him. We have been together for a few years, yet will only be going for our first holiday without kids in a few months, because the previous attempts turned into hell with constant screaming and fighting over things that toddlers fight about. Part of me wonders if this is too late.

For the past six months or so my sex drive has been non existent, which is a first. I was wondering whether I'm perimenopausal, as I'm in my forties, but the tests disconfirmed this theory. I was wondering if it's work, but that has been going quite steady and I love my job. I have cooled off partners before, especially where they suddenly decide that I've adopted them and start treating me like their mom (not pulling their weight at home, expecting me to be their life manager etc.), to which I respond as if they were my son - by losing any desire I had for them. But I've still been able to find other men attractive and my sex drive would still be very much there. At the moment, I feel like I could join a nunnery- any idea of sex disgusts me, with anyone.

Today at this unfortunate restaurant table I've realised that my SO's interactions with his kids is a massive turn off for me. And further, his kids are a massive turn off. Maybe any kids would be - I'm not a mother, and I can't feel both seductive and in a motherly mode. Maybe if I had my kids, I'd feel different, but I don't and I'm not going to have any kids to know any different. Even if I have a good day with one of them, I can't switch into a sexual mode in the evening with SO. Equally, if SO and I are in a romantic mood, having wine with some candles etc., and I hear "daddeee", I am furious about the kid coming to ruin the moment with some stupid made up reason.

I've realised that my attempts to have influence on his parenting were initially to some degree about the kids and what I see as basic manners and skills for their age. I grew up with a lot of that and so did everyone around me - it has always been a matter of pride to have good overall manners, have a good table etiquette etc. I feel like with the SO I got the old bait and switch - he appeared like someone that fit that mould, yet his home life looks completely opposite to his public image. He tells me it's how he grew up and apparently it's a class thing, insinuating I'm being uppity. I also came from nothing, but education was always important in my family for generations. We were poor, but educated and proud. Manners cost nothing. And if it really is a class thing , I feel like I've been tricked with him taking on the "class" only on the surface level.

I've disengaged to a good degree to reduce the resentment and put in some boundaries to preserve my sanity (no restaurants or holidays with his kids- he can do that on his own), only to see them slowly being eroded. He's recently asked me whether I'd go to the place that was holiday from hell in a very trashy town, and I laughed and said it was a hard no, in case he forgot. We went back to restaurants a few times to see that the more things change the more they stay the same. While we've put in a hard rule that they're no longer allowed to order nuggets and chips in a restaurant (as it was the ONLY thing they ever ordered), it now has become ice cream and chips, with an ice cream shake! I feel like an idiot, who's been pacified and cheated. Whatever I say, he overrides with some crappy justification, and I can see the little sh*ts grinning.

I've also realised that then some of my remaining protests, like today, were in response to that feeling of revolt towards him acting like a door mat to his kids. Clearly, he's not going to change his parenting, despite their psychologist pointing out this very thing, so the only thing I can change is the amount of contact with the steppos. Thankfully, we don't live together, so I can go back to minimal contact - seeing him on his own or in a way where the steppos have some other entertainment and we aren't interacting with them. Going back to no restaurants or any outings with them for a foreseeable future, so that I don't have to retch and not sleep for half a night with head exploding while SO starts snoring peacefully as soon as his head hits the pillow. Any other ideas would also be highly appreciated.

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So many things reading your

So many things reading your post resonate. I also do not have kids of my own. My step situation is 7yr old girl that we have 50% of the time and step son who is 17 and my bud. We see him often and its cherished. The undermining of your requests and parenting is what resonates most and scares me it won't get better. I also deal with lack of manners, sugar at insane hours and non stop coddling, cooing and feeding into her every waking wish and desire. Its also expected that I parent but not parent. Meaning, make sure she does her homework and has snack for school but if I tell her she has to read a book and its Saturday, I am immediately undermined and she's told by daddy that she doesn't have to. He literally gave her a 20 oz pure sugar slushy drink at 6pm after she had eaten nothing but chips, soda and skittles all day. She wanted to watch kids youtube and I said "tell you what, hand over the slushy and you can watch youtube". I figured she would gladly give it up to watch youtube for a 1/2 hour and she did but as soon as that transpired, daddy immeditaly undermined me. "Why would you take that from her, we bought her the slushy, let her have it!" So I can perform the "chores" of a parent but not actually parent. Cool cool cool.

I feel your pain and am honestly jealous that you have respite. I moved in with mine, got engaged and sold my house. Yikes. Hoping it all gets better with time, age and discussion on how this all should go down. I am thankful I just have the one young one to deal with. On the flip side, I get to also deal with the bat shit toxic ex narcisstic bio mom who is very much alive and doing everything in her power to penetrate our relationship.

On the sex drive... I can relate. Not in my current situation but in my marriage before. I was married to an adult child and the longer I was mother to him, the less and less attractive he became to the point it also disgusted me. He also let himself go, whined about everything and looked to me for every little thing. That drive never came back... I don't know what to tell you except I fear It won't come back. You did mention that the thought of sex with anyone disgusts you though so perhaps just a phase. I don't know. I can't really offer any help but I can relate!

I get that you provided

I get that you provided oversight for her.. and acted in an authority role for her in dad's absence.. but since he was there.. why not have your husband making the parenting call with the kids? It sounds like you didn't approve of her diet.. but dad clearly had no problem because he bought the drink for her.. I don't think it would have gone over well with my SO if I tried to take a treat from his kids and try to override his parenting decisions.. which it seems like he thought you were doing. Clearly he trusts you to watch his child.. but when he is there.. I'm guessing he feels he has more rights to the ultimate parenting decision.. which .. he kind of should.. and if you don't want to watch his kid period.. make that a line in the sand.

In this case she had eaten

In this case she had eaten junk all day and when she got the slushy i said that looks yummy let me taste it. When i tasted it I was shocked as it was literally pure sugar. I said to my SO did you taste this? He hadn't but he did and made a very shocked face and said "maybe she won't drink it all". Later when i suggested the trade for YouTube i felt like i was offering a solution. I am the one that gets most of her attention and she clings to me so when She is hyperactive from too much sugar too late, I'm usually the one left dealing with it. It really comes down to him giving into her every whim and wanting my help but not my input. And i should likely disengage myself.

It’s thanks to this forum that we didn’t move in together.

I was so close to doing that, thinking I should just push past my inner voice saying no. I thought I "should" be better than an average person, who, let's face it, isn't keen on adopting another woman's/man's kids, because it's not kids fault whatever happened to/with their parents, right? Also, the world (and internet) tells you to love these kids like your own (I now wonder how many of these "advisors" do that, or are in a step situation) In the past year or so I've learned that I an am average person with the same feelings as everybody else about common situations, and that one can't really rationalise themselves out of an emotion. And that I was setting impossible perfectionist standards to myself, even though I'm the one who often points that out in others.

My SO bought a big house minutes away from me with a hope that "one day I'll move in". At least he had the foresight that if we did that now, his "kids would ruin our relationship". It's a big, spacious house, it's new and in a good neighbourhood. And I've realised I don't like it. It's already progressively getting smashed up by his kids and animals (that are still a leftover legacy of dead BM, and one of her bad choices).

I was psyching myself up to the "inevitable" move in a year or two and getting more and more unhappy. Thankfully, a dose of reality from this site rescued again, and now that I've decided that I don't have to give up my lovely home, I feel a lot more at peace.

I did that. Put off the whole

I did that. Put off the whole moving forward with the relationship thing, and i'm so glad i did. My issues weren't the same as yours but were bad enough that it never would have worked. My SO has made the changes i needed, but i'm wanting to be sure they can "stick", as well as waiting until all kids are grown and out of the house. And you know what? I still have bouts of anger for the crap he put me through.

In your case, the main problem besides lack of respect for your SO (which is huge) is the kids' future. If your SO isn't serious about raising them to become functional adults who will grow up, move out, and have their own lives, it will never work. Is that what he wants? For them to become happy, successful, and independent? Based on the limited info i've read, idk. This guy paid for a dying woman to have IVF to produce 2 kids (if i'm not mistaken), who he now requires very little from. Does he want a healthy relationship for himself and his kids or is he attracted to sickness and dysfunction, which enables him to be the big rescuer? Does his wish for the future align with yours?

IMHO.. who cares if they ate

IMHO.. who cares if they ate the burger? At a certain point, you can't care more than the bio parent.. and he clearly was fine with letting them have the treat.. and he wanted it to be "fun" for them.. If going out with them is not something you want to do.. you can disengage.. but he is the parent.. what they have for dinner.. as teens.. is not really something that I would make a hill to die on. you can't care more than the bio parent.

I think what she's saying is

I think what she's saying is that by witnessing this, she is losing respect and therefore attraction for him. It's not that she cares what they eat.

Yes!

100%

If a partner's parenting

If a partner's parenting doesn't align with your own moral values.. then you probably have very different structure that you find acceptable.. this difference should mean you are probably generally uncompatible.

So.. aka.. watching your spouse do things you find ethically or morally unacceptable.. or encouraging that behavior.. means.. you are finding out your spouse is not the person you thougth them to be... which might mean you would lose attraction to them.

I just generally left things like what the kids ate in his area of influence.... he was the parent.. if he chose to get them McD's because it was easier than him (or me.. haha) preparing a meal.. that was his choice I guess. If he let them wear bummy clothes.. I mean.. his kids.. i guess. I never took those things as a reflection on me per se.

Allowing backtalk.. not prioritizing school.. not enforcing reasonable limits on screens.. or letting them stay up all night.. those would have made me a lot more concerned..

It's unfortunate that in many cases.. men are given relatively little time with their kids.. and they end up making the choice to not fight or discipline because otherwise it would end up being an every other weekend litany of lectures and advice.. vs having some positive time with their kids.. I get the struggle there.. if you are only really seeing your kids a few days a month.. you may not want to spend it negatively... which can perpetuate the PAS mom may be dishing out.

This guy is their only living

This guy is their only living parent, though. Has been for years. I agree with you that they are not compatible. Also, these kids will likely not launch.

Oh... gosh.. then he is just

Oh... gosh.. then he is just a lazy parent.. and the only parent.. yikes.

You are right that I need to care less than the parent.

That's why I'm trying to find a way to disengage. I don't think there's anything I can say to myself to just stop caring while that's directly in front of my eyes, so I'll just have to remove myself physically from those situations and avoid them altogether.

It's the kids obnoxiousness while doing all that - giggling, yelling, calling their father an idiot while doing that that disgusts me. Imagine two little street urchins dishing it out to a man in an expensive suit in public, and the man just taking it. And asking "what flavour ice cream would you like for dessert?"
Makes me want to vomit.

They also make threats to him that if he doesn't buy them what they want etc., they'll go to the police or child protection services and will make up allegations about supposedly having been hospitalised etc. due to him beating them up and other nonsense that's laughable and easily verified. I call their bluff and say that I'll give them a lift to the police station. My SO visibly gets frightened by them and goes quiet, and they relish in that. How can that be attractive in a man??

If they were ok kids, with a bit of sass and cheek, I'd let the diet slide. It's the entitlement, the aggression and constant disrespect while having rewards thrown at them that revolts me. Besides, both have ADHD (one medicated, one not), and they live on the diet of sugar and frozen/bagged foods only. And I then have to deal with their crazy behaviours.

Also, there's no BM, she's dead and the kids are with him full time.

When I was younger I worked

When I was younger I worked as a relationship counsellor for 10 yrs or so. The main thing that gets rid of sexual attraction in a relationship is anger, sustained over a long period. I have also experienced this for myself in my first marriage.

Yes!

I understand this from my first marriage as well. Anger erodes many other emotions. I went to 2 therapists who told me that I was angry, "Yes, that's why I'm here. Please help me cope with and work through this anger." It made me angry that they felt the need to point that out...clearly I knew! Finding a therapist who 'fits' can be trial and error. I ended the relationship, because one cannot have a relationship with someone who will not admit any wrongdoing or work on themselves.

That’s really helpful, thank you.

I haven't thought of it, but now that you say it, it makes perfect sense. I have been angry because despite the lip service and nice outings/expensive hotels, I have no power in this family dynamic. He was hoping I'd move in, but why would I do that, when I'd have no say in that house.

Girl please stick with your

Girl please stick with your intuition

The Disneyland dad I dealt with had a sideshow parenting experience every mfing week (sometimes

during the week when conniving ex wife tricked him into doing her share of parenting using her weaponized incompetence) and it got to the point I lost my desire to be with him intimately plus I could not tolerate living with him while his kids were there

now I have my own very nice space

Yeah, nothing moistens the

Yeah, nothing moistens the drawers more than cooking, cleaning, and funding some half-dressed teenage hoochie or overgrown man-child while they lounge around, playing video games and taking selfies. And when they tell Daddy "Mean old stepmom is trying to tell me what to do, yell at her!" and he does, especially if he says something like "you are the adult here, they are just kids!", that really makes you want to jump in the sack and ravish him. Especially when this goes on until they are pushing 30 because they've been coddled into skidults with no skills or desire for independence. Lol. Yeah, I get it.

You just described why DH and

You just described why DH and I nearly divorced when Little Idiot was living with us.

Also, about the class and

Also, about the class and manners thing, is he really trying to say he wants his kids to behave with the manners of a lower or poorer social class than what they truly are, as some homage to their parents' roots? Yeah, that will set them up for success. FYI, i've met some very poor people who still had manners.

Another thing, isn't this the guy whose BM, also very poor and ill-mannered who comes from generations of people on disability, had some horrible genetic disease which she knew would kill her before the kids were very old, yet had two anyway? There is NO competing with the amount of sympathy cards these kids can play in order to get out of having to function in society, especially if their dad is the main coddler.

The sympathy cards. Yes.

I brought that up with him the other day as part of a potential past issue and a factor in their current entitlement, but he brushed it off saying he didn't think anyone gave them a preferential treatment. I said that it possibly happened on a more subconscious and subtle level. But he was and still is the main supplier of that coddling.

They've just moved to my area, where they don't know anyone, but I wonder whether just finding out the fact that their mother is long dead will make others continue supplying them with sympathy cards forever and ever.

I understand....

BanksiaRose, my situation is not the same but I can imagine how frustrating yours is. Manners have always been important to me too; they are a skillset that will open doors and assist one to level up in all facets of life.

After voraciously reading on this site, I am so thankful that I am not dealing with minor SKIDS! It is hard enough dealing with adult SKIDS! When eating out with YSD32, I noticed she would always order 'extras' and dessert, and then leave a lot of food untouched. This is so wasteful! Add the fact that she was doing it on someone else's dime...just no! Add the fact that there was never a "thank you"...just no! We do not eat out together any more. I avoid entertaining at home too. Food left on plate, no offer to assist with clean up, and leave when meal is over. Oh, and rummaging through my kitchen...just no! (If offered, I would decline the offer to help clean up.) When my son and his SO eat with us, none of this behavior exists and they automatically get up and start cleaning up. Then we sit and catch up. My stress level is at opposite ends of the spectrum after they leave.

It sounds like a positve that you do not live with your SO. I wonder, would you be happier by yourself? With someone else? I truly hope you reach resolution that works for you!

I’ll be going back to minimum contact.

I certainly don't want to be seen in public with them. And I don't want a restaurant outing ruined by them. So I'll let them do their thing, and will stay at home with a book instead, and him and I can go out separately.

Today at this unfortunate

Today at this unfortunate restaurant table I've realised that my SO's interactions with his kids is a massive turn off for me. And further, his kids are a massive turn off

Girl, I know the feeling

When i was in similar situation....I let him Disney parent to his hearts content while I FULLY disengaged

Dont waste energy trying to uphill battle a dude to more effectively parent his kids.

He pulled back the curtains, let you peek at the sideshow parenting he's got going on, and now it's your choice to accept what is or not.

Most these men don't want to change for the better. Halfassed with kids running the show is easy for them. Worse is they won't even listen to you when you're willing to help them improve.

Some of these men just want you to supplement their sideshow coparenting while also adjusting down to their low standards

As far as intimacy I can see why you'd be turned all the way off. Nothing makes a p00m p00m dryer than styrofoam than a "man" who cannot lead his household effectively (ex ex wives still running B.Beck n Call operations; kids running the household, your man being treated like a walking ATM by his failed former family, etc)

I’ve realised it’s similar to having a friend who complains

yet does nothing for years to change the situation. At some point I stop boarding the emotional roller coaster with her and think about shopping list with an occasional "uh-huh" while she gripes.
This friend doesn't want change despite what she's saying. My SO doesn't want change. They must be comfortable in their chaos, and I don't have the power to effect the change for them, no one does, only the person themselves can do that. I need to step back and let him self sabotage at home, while I live in my own sanctuary, and see him at mine or on neutral grounds.

I will say not my clowns not my circus

Not my kids not my problem. If they look homeless just do take them anywhere, The real problem Wilco be these kids are not going to do anything. He going to be supporting them for ever. Can you afford this?
'His kids mean more then you. Can you live that way ? This is something you must decide.. either you play along or leave.
'He not a going to support you and. Get no emotional or sexual relationship out of you. The old find the new GF / AP.

I am not in walking in your shoes . But you must decide what you are going to do

It drives me crazy when

It drives me crazy when Little Idiot SD24.5 orders appetizers, expensive drinks and desserts (all on DH and mine's dime) and then leaves all of it unfinished. Eating out is expensive for everyone these days and if you're not paying you should be mindful of spending other people's money. She doesn't care at all about her dad though.

Ooof. SD20 has always been

Ooof. SD20 has always been like this. Will literally order steak and lobster, dessert, and then ask to try everyone else's food too. "Dad, it's your JOB to spend money on your kids." Exact quote.

The most influential erogenous zone is the brain,

Trust yours.

Also, he is right. It is a class thing. You have class, he does not. His kids certainly don't. Tell him just that.

So, with the mounting evidence regarding his failure as your partner. Listen to your brain and the rest of your body, go back to your home, and end it. A physical revulsion at the thought of intimacy with this failed man is far more than you should need to know it is past time to move on to persuing your best live with him and them in your past. Even if his Spawn are gone, that will likely be far less than enough to recover the relationship since he will no doubt whine and cry about how much he misses them.

He may be handsome, elegant, and successful. However, it is clear that he is nothing more than a polished shiny turd. No matter how long you polish a turd, at most it is just a shiny POS. His facade is a professional one but in private and even in non work public forum, it is just a facade.

Get on with being your best you.

Firstly, class has nothing

Firstly, class has nothing to do with money. You can be penniless and still bring your children up with respect and good manners.

Secondly, when you feel disgusted by your mate, you have waited too long to leave.

Time to go for many reasons. Put yourself first ... nobody else will.

It does sound like you two

It does sound like you two are incompatible when it comes to everyday life issues like behavior in restaurants, how his kids dress, and, mostly, his behavior with his kids. With him having full custody of kids who disrespect him and turn him into a P in front of your eyes, this seems like a situation that is not tenable. Smart of you to have maintained your own place to live!
I guess you could take it slowly and let the relationship further fizzle or rip off the bandaid.
You know you can do much better. Find a partner you can respect, preferably one with no kids, adult kids who are wonderful people, or kids who live in Tanzania.