Not always "Better when we are together"... but could be?

Hi folks. Thats the title of a song by jack johnson we used to play when hanging out beside the firepit in the backyard.

And it hasnt really applied for a long time. But it COULD have...

So - updates:

- My family and friends are rallying behind me.

- Its now HIS idea to live as platonic housemates, and he claims that he wants a divorce

- No more policing on social media. He has blocked me.

- We have our own rooms with locks.

Ive been trying to see if there is any potential for reconciliation, but Im one of those that needs things to be "more than over" if you know what I mean. Like its dead, cremated, buried and I forgot the location over.

Meanwhile how have I been dealing? I have recieved some money, and have considered what to do going forward. I am resting most days, depressed most days, distracted and unable to focused locked into a strange sort of paralysis.

I am eating my way through this instead of drinking or shopping. I make plans to go to the gymn and clean and then collapse onto the couch and watch netflix. Im steady. He thinks I am on dating sites but I am not, and he cannot send me screen caps of which ones I am on, but all he sends me are screen caps of linked in. I just want to know so I can file a fraud report. Im still wearing my wedding ring, and my relationship status has not changed from married. July 21 will be our 7 year wedding anniversary (1 week) and Im seeing all these darn weddings on social media, mainly celebrity and influencers, who are young and fashionable and beautiful and fit. Friends too. Smiling from ear to ear and looking happy, the way I was 7 years ago.

I know this is a necessary part of the grieving. I know we should not attempt platonic housemates. But darn it Im sad today. And mad. How dare he bust into my room unwanted when Im trying to sleep so I can go to work. How dare he put on the grand facade of really being a great guy who tried, with all those flying monkees gleefull in their support of their "bro".. How dare he grab my phone a 3rd time (Id had a few glasses of wine and my guard was down...Im trying to be soberish going forward...)

Thanks all.

CLove's blog
Log in to post comments

Comments

Lawyer?

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

I am channeling my mother

When I separated from my ex, I talked to my mom about "temporary separation", "friendly divorce" and other fantasies. She kept asking if I'd seen an attorney and I hadn't. My situation grew so dire I finally had to move myself and 2 little kids back in with Mom and Dad on an emergency basis.

So, I feel like I'm channeling her as I keep asking whether you've seen a lawyer. I care about you, Clove.

I have spoken to one

yes. Spoken and found out the retainer is in the thousands and paid up front, along with a 250 consulting fee.

A good investment

Even if you have to go in debt......imo.

I'm sorry...

...you are having a bad day. Thank goodness you have the support of family and friends, don't be afraid to lean on them. I'm sending you good thoughts and a cyber hug.

Yes. Thank you for the good thoughts...so much needed

and appreciated.

Just wow. I thought we would work our way through this, but this is probably what he wanted all along...I just made life too easy.

And all that garbage I put up with in steplife. And all the work and money and more work and time and...time.

I love Jack Johnson, and that

I love Jack Johnson, and that song! But....i don't think it applies in your situation. Barging into your room? Grabbing your phone? Platonic housemates don't do that. Please be safe!!!

Clove, it is more than over. It is done, finished, ended.

Clove, it is more than over. It is done, finished, ended. The man is not completely sane anymore and is living in an alternative fantasy world where you are fooling around on him and everything is your fault. There is nothing to go back to. Please use the lawyer you have seen and start figuring out a way forward that will not entail you being roomates with him. You are never going to be able to start moving on as long as you are living together.

On the whole living together

On the whole living together thing...check the status in your state. Here, a legal separation does not start until the day both parties live under different roofs (must prove with utilities). Any divorce won't be finalized until there has been at least 1 year of legal separation.

I know every state is different, but definitely look into moving out options. Don't delay the inevitable.

You may not be done, but he

You may not be done, but he IS. Protect yourself, emotionally and physically.

He's grabbing onto the dating website issue and it's more than likely HE is on them.

You have a lock in your bedroom door. USE IT.

I completely understand everything you're feeling, but now is not the time to have a few glasses of wine OR let your guard down. Please, CLove, limit yourself to a single glass of wine or do not drink at all. Constant vigilance!

Shop around for more attorneys, but get one. Make sure you get a shark of an attorney with great big teeth. It will be worth it to protect YOU.

It sucks. I know it. He's been playing you like a fiddle for years. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. {{{HUGS}}}

Clove, in true Tia fashion I

Clove, in true Tia fashion I have a question and after you reply to it I will then drop my opinion on your like a load of cabbage at a sauerkraut festival.

Q: if you somehow stay together, what do you picture your future w/ him looking like?

and bonus points for a secod question:

will it be the same exact misery you're sinking in now?

Answers

I dont see any kind of happy future. He has alienated my friends and family and alienated me from his friends and family. He is still stubbornly throwing my past and imagined present at me, still being paranoid and I cant see anything past that. I see sadness and stress and a constant vigilance.

It will be the same as before with the added flavors of new cr@p.

What do you think your next

What do you think your next step should be?

We've all been telling you what we think but I'd like to know what you see as your next step.

Answer as if you were telling your bestie what you think she sohuld do. Because at the end of the day it's you that has to act, not say but also act, and you should be your own bestie.

Clove... I know this is

Clove... I know this is difficult.. all breakups have some sadness about what could have been.

But.. tough love time.

This guy is a loser... a dangerous loser who is well on his way to destroying you. STOP allowing your mind or heart to go anywhere in the neighborhood of some kind of future together. It is not good for you. It will be more wasted years.. wasted money.. you need to cut your losses (emotional and financial).. and get the FOut of the house.. away from him.. lick your wounds and start living your life for YOU.

Lawyer realities.. you say you went to one... well.. lawyers will want a retainer up front.. you NEED to interview a few more to get your comfort level then PICK ONE. It WILL cost you money. Divorce and fighting for assets is not necessarily cheap. Listen to their advice when they tell you realistically what you can expect to net from the assets.. what "your share" is. what you might have to pay him.

Will it be a cost more than you want.. sure. sorry hon.. but that is the way the ball bounces. YOU cannot wait for him to pull the lever here.. he will need to lawyer ups once you do.. but maybe he will be dumb enough to think that he can just get divorced by you paying yours.. fine.. then he won't have any legal representation.. it may be cheaper.. but your lawyer can use that to your advantage.

But.. PAY the retainer.. prepare to pay other fees going forward. Lawyers are not cheap.. they won't work for nothing.. and in your situation.. with your loser of a soon to be EX (ex con.. also).. who is unemployed.. it's not like they will see huge pockets that can be dipped into.

Yes, you made a mistake to be with this guy.. and you will have to pay the price.. literally.. unless you want to sell your soul to the devil and live a life of misery.. with this dude... you are going to have to pony up to pay those fees. I did it when I divorced my EX.. he wasn't going to lift a finger.

I'm sorry this is such a suck fest for you.. but the sooner you move past moping and on to action.. the sooner you will be free of this millstone of a doofus.

That made me cry a bit inside

But happy tears. I did get out to live music and friends last sunday...

The good life is ahead I have to stop looking at the crap Im stepping in right now...

I agree with all of this.

If it has only been 7 years.. then there is only but so much to divvie up. Spousal support is probably unlikely for a marriage less than 10 years (obv get a legal opinion).. and as far as his claim on any retirement etc.. it would only be based on earned/appreciated during the 7 years.. not your whole life. I do agree if it takes a payout to make him go away.. it's worth it.

The house. yes.. you sell that house. there is nothing "good" for you there. There are bad memories.. and you may think you "love" it.. but you may just be holding onto familiarity.. what you are used to. Get used to something BETTER!

And.. getting rid of the house.. and cashing you both out.. gives both of you that fresh start.. and you can factor in some more for him if necessary to bargain with to keep him out of your retirement fund.

I know starting over sounds daunting.. but you would be better off.. very far away from this trainwreck of a person.