Not always "Better when we are together"... but could be?

Hi folks. Thats the title of a song by jack johnson we used to play when hanging out beside the firepit in the backyard.

And it hasnt really applied for a long time. But it COULD have...

So - updates:

- My family and friends are rallying behind me.

- Its now HIS idea to live as platonic housemates, and he claims that he wants a divorce

- No more policing on social media. He has blocked me.

- We have our own rooms with locks.

Ive been trying to see if there is any potential for reconciliation, but Im one of those that needs things to be "more than over" if you know what I mean. Like its dead, cremated, buried and I forgot the location over.

Meanwhile how have I been dealing? I have recieved some money, and have considered what to do going forward. I am resting most days, depressed most days, distracted and unable to focused locked into a strange sort of paralysis.

I am eating my way through this instead of drinking or shopping. I make plans to go to the gymn and clean and then collapse onto the couch and watch netflix. Im steady. He thinks I am on dating sites but I am not, and he cannot send me screen caps of which ones I am on, but all he sends me are screen caps of linked in. I just want to know so I can file a fraud report. Im still wearing my wedding ring, and my relationship status has not changed from married. July 21 will be our 7 year wedding anniversary (1 week) and Im seeing all these darn weddings on social media, mainly celebrity and influencers, who are young and fashionable and beautiful and fit. Friends too. Smiling from ear to ear and looking happy, the way I was 7 years ago.

I know this is a necessary part of the grieving. I know we should not attempt platonic housemates. But darn it Im sad today. And mad. How dare he bust into my room unwanted when Im trying to sleep so I can go to work. How dare he put on the grand facade of really being a great guy who tried, with all those flying monkees gleefull in their support of their "bro".. How dare he grab my phone a 3rd time (Id had a few glasses of wine and my guard was down...Im trying to be soberish going forward...)

Thanks all.

CLove's blog
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Lawyer?

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

I am channeling my mother

When I separated from my ex, I talked to my mom about "temporary separation", "friendly divorce" and other fantasies. She kept asking if I'd seen an attorney and I hadn't. My situation grew so dire I finally had to move myself and 2 little kids back in with Mom and Dad on an emergency basis.

So, I feel like I'm channeling her as I keep asking whether you've seen a lawyer. I care about you, Clove.

I have spoken to one

yes. Spoken and found out the retainer is in the thousands and paid up front, along with a 250 consulting fee.

A good investment

Even if you have to go in debt......imo.

XW and I went the friendly one attorney divorce route.

Until her mother and night shift neonatal ICU all divorced shift buddies got in her head about me taking advantage of her.

She was the one who played the D card. She was the one who made the property/asset settlement proposal. She was the one who wanted to go with a single attorney. Fine with me.

Then, the Harpy fangs and claws showed up and she got another attorney. I should have gotten one as well, but... I had the nuclear bomb buttons of her diaries full of her cheating history, and her university papers all written by me, in my handwriting (rough drafts) and the graded typed copies. So, back to her proposed single attorney following her proposed property/asset settlement.

It would have been a shit show had I not had the nukes on hand to eradicate her manipulative crap.

As much as people want the non contentious amiable divorce, it is far more likely a fantasy than reality.

Be measured, be firm, be direct, but tolerate no bullshit and drive for the end result in a way that is as beneficial to you as possible. Do not put off engaging in your life during the process. Live your life as wholly as you can and attend the final divorce hearing as healthily, as put together, and as radiantly as possible.

Tnat worked for me. It also worked for DW during the custody hearing with the SpermClan a few days after we married. I was in a suit, she was in a stylish skirt suit, and we were confident, put together, and clearly far classier than the opposition was. So much so that at the end of the hearing, just before the Judge issued the ruling, the Judge ripped the SpermIdiot a new asshole for appearing in court looking like a clown, disrespecting the court, and basically being an idiot. He just stood there slouching sheepishly in his gang banger wannabe zoot suit with tufted puff balls all over his head. SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa were sitting there grimacing over that.

Never let any detail go untouched. Make sure you are as prepared, put together, and ready as possible. Often the other side, won't be.

I'm sorry...

...you are having a bad day. Thank goodness you have the support of family and friends, don't be afraid to lean on them. I'm sending you good thoughts and a cyber hug.

Yes. Thank you for the good thoughts...so much needed

and appreciated.

Just wow. I thought we would work our way through this, but this is probably what he wanted all along...I just made life too easy.

And all that garbage I put up with in steplife. And all the work and money and more work and time and...time.

I love Jack Johnson, and that

I love Jack Johnson, and that song! But....i don't think it applies in your situation. Barging into your room? Grabbing your phone? Platonic housemates don't do that. Please be safe!!!

Clove, it is more than over. It is done, finished, ended.

Clove, it is more than over. It is done, finished, ended. The man is not completely sane anymore and is living in an alternative fantasy world where you are fooling around on him and everything is your fault. There is nothing to go back to. Please use the lawyer you have seen and start figuring out a way forward that will not entail you being roomates with him. You are never going to be able to start moving on as long as you are living together.

On the whole living together

On the whole living together thing...check the status in your state. Here, a legal separation does not start until the day both parties live under different roofs (must prove with utilities). Any divorce won't be finalized until there has been at least 1 year of legal separation.

I know every state is different, but definitely look into moving out options. Don't delay the inevitable.

You may not be done, but he

You may not be done, but he IS. Protect yourself, emotionally and physically.

He's grabbing onto the dating website issue and it's more than likely HE is on them.

You have a lock in your bedroom door. USE IT.

I completely understand everything you're feeling, but now is not the time to have a few glasses of wine OR let your guard down. Please, CLove, limit yourself to a single glass of wine or do not drink at all. Constant vigilance!

Shop around for more attorneys, but get one. Make sure you get a shark of an attorney with great big teeth. It will be worth it to protect YOU.

It sucks. I know it. He's been playing you like a fiddle for years. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. {{{HUGS}}}

Clove, in true Tia fashion I

Clove, in true Tia fashion I have a question and after you reply to it I will then drop my opinion on your like a load of cabbage at a sauerkraut festival.

Q: if you somehow stay together, what do you picture your future w/ him looking like?

and bonus points for a secod question:

will it be the same exact misery you're sinking in now?

Answers

I dont see any kind of happy future. He has alienated my friends and family and alienated me from his friends and family. He is still stubbornly throwing my past and imagined present at me, still being paranoid and I cant see anything past that. I see sadness and stress and a constant vigilance.

It will be the same as before with the added flavors of new cr@p.

What do you think your next

What do you think your next step should be?

We've all been telling you what we think but I'd like to know what you see as your next step.

Answer as if you were telling your bestie what you think she sohuld do. Because at the end of the day it's you that has to act, not say but also act, and you should be your own bestie.

Clove what I wish for you is

Clove what I wish for you is for you to live the happiest, most fulfilling CLove-life possible. Without the man that is dragging you down. You deserve your own little slice of heaven. The troll, barnacle, car collecting looney, and video taping fool.... Forget them.

You've always deserved that. Your own beautiful place to garden and create and think and decorate. Do all the things that make you happy. Decorate how you want, all you want, do whatever your heart desires. You can achieve all of your dreams.

Once you see a lawyer and have some questions answered about how to move forward. Believe me it helps to come up with a plan and see how things will work as it's more daunting not knowing and worrying.

One step at a time. One move at a time. You can do it you are very strong.

Clove... I know this is

Clove... I know this is difficult.. all breakups have some sadness about what could have been.

But.. tough love time.

This guy is a loser... a dangerous loser who is well on his way to destroying you. STOP allowing your mind or heart to go anywhere in the neighborhood of some kind of future together. It is not good for you. It will be more wasted years.. wasted money.. you need to cut your losses (emotional and financial).. and get the FOut of the house.. away from him.. lick your wounds and start living your life for YOU.

Lawyer realities.. you say you went to one... well.. lawyers will want a retainer up front.. you NEED to interview a few more to get your comfort level then PICK ONE. It WILL cost you money. Divorce and fighting for assets is not necessarily cheap. Listen to their advice when they tell you realistically what you can expect to net from the assets.. what "your share" is. what you might have to pay him.

Will it be a cost more than you want.. sure. sorry hon.. but that is the way the ball bounces. YOU cannot wait for him to pull the lever here.. he will need to lawyer ups once you do.. but maybe he will be dumb enough to think that he can just get divorced by you paying yours.. fine.. then he won't have any legal representation.. it may be cheaper.. but your lawyer can use that to your advantage.

But.. PAY the retainer.. prepare to pay other fees going forward. Lawyers are not cheap.. they won't work for nothing.. and in your situation.. with your loser of a soon to be EX (ex con.. also).. who is unemployed.. it's not like they will see huge pockets that can be dipped into.

Yes, you made a mistake to be with this guy.. and you will have to pay the price.. literally.. unless you want to sell your soul to the devil and live a life of misery.. with this dude... you are going to have to pony up to pay those fees. I did it when I divorced my EX.. he wasn't going to lift a finger.

I'm sorry this is such a suck fest for you.. but the sooner you move past moping and on to action.. the sooner you will be free of this millstone of a doofus.

I found that action helped. It helps with the grief, etc...

So take action. You file. Lock him down. You are the earner, cut him off from any benefit of your earnings. File for formal separation. Separate him from you ASAP so any debt he accrues is not also your debt. Invest in you. Overtly. Driving a level of insanity into the STBX by living well out loud and in his face could be beneficial in many ways.

I bought an expensive mountain bike, I put an upgraded stereo system in my truck, I put new wheels and tires on my truck, I took vacations, and I made sure that my mothers 20th anniversary gift sports car from my dad was taken away from my XW. My mom had left it for my XW's use when mom and dad returned over seas. Not XW's car, she damned sure was not going to have access to it after she played the D card.

Your STBX dropped the D word but is hanging on like a leech on your ass rather than actually filing. Force it. You file a formal separation so you can protect your assets from him and yourself from any liability for debt he accrues. After all, he is not working. Even if he does not file for Divorce, that puts him in the position of being a Klingon rather than a viable self supporting adult man.

Protecting yourself has to be your priority. Working the grief and recovery has to occur while you are actively protecting yourself.

When my XW notified me that we were done, I did not brood on it while maintaining a forlorn hope of reconciliation. Yes, we did have a short period of connection and non sexual affection as we did the early phase of the divorce process. But when she got nasty, your STBX has gotten nasty, I went scorched earth. I had the locks re-keyed within an hour of her moving out. I had a date that night.

I drove the nice cars that I or my family had contributed to the marriage while she drove her decades old beater from her parents. That pissed her off to no end. When she wanted the appliances and bed that my parents had given us as wedding gifts, I told her no. She was the one who made the property settlement offer. We each keep what we brought and what our side had gifted us as wedding gifts. She wanted the money from a CD she had cashed to contribute to the down payment for the home we bought two months before she played the D card. Everything else she gave to me. Fine. Now GTF out! When she started to back slide on that, things got a bit sticky. But, she had made the settlement offer, I agreed to it, we both signed it when I wrote it down as soon as she made it.

Not that I had to say it regarding it being over. She was not comfortable with my immediately getting on with my life. But get on with my life I did.

He is being a jackass. Treat him according to his actions.

I get the impression that you are not on any dating sites though he is ranting that you are. The odds of anyone fraudulently creating profiles in your name are slim and non. If they are, finding them would take little more than a Google search and you can get them purged. He is playing as a way to maintain control and to cause pain. Stop playing into that.

If it hurts, stop doing it. Pretty simple. So, stop him from hurting you by destroying him.

KISS.

Isolate yourself from him. Get your assets and finances buried and protected, if you have to, force the sale of the house. I know you love your house, however, I advise moving on from that too. Find a place to build your new life adventure in that is not polluted by the stench of his aura and the noxious residue of his failed past baggage.

I mentioned this before. Any unpaid work he has done in his business is justifiably Accounts Receivable and that is an asset for you to document and nail his ass to the wall on. His tools are also assets. Most professional mechanics have a boat load of $$$ in tools. The more you document, the more ammunition you have to defend your retirement and investments from his sticky fingers.

Get busy, take action, join a Zoomba class, a vacation group, the symphony group, buy season tickets to the university theater, concerts, and performances series. Do a monthly spa event and have a glam up.

The misery of my first marriage and the divorce had exploded my waist line. By the time the divorce was final and I had moved and started engineering school 7mos later I had lost 40Lbs, I was fit, active, engaging my brain, and dating actively. For 3+yrs dating was purely for companionship and not a partner. I never really decided to find a partner. Though after 3yrs of grieving, recovery, and being active in my life, I ran into 4 incredible women within a few months of each other. All 4 of them were outstanding people. I have been married the last of those 4 for almost 31 years.

Live your life CLove. You are amazing. Get out of your own way so you can once again recognize that. Yes, you were happy 7yrs about when you had your wedding. However, from nearly the next moment you have been miserable at some level. Go back through your STalk posts and comments going back the beginning.

An observation, if you have only been married for 7yrs, you may have a significant amount of protection in place for your investments, retirement, etc... It may be that mainly the only truly joint asset is the house. If you can get out without giving him part of your retirement, that is a huge win.

One of my former employees leveraged cash to get his X to sign away her rights to his retirement during their divorce. If you can write a check, even a fairly big one, to get his incubus fingers out of your investments/retirement, that may be well worth it. My former employee is 12 CS payments from completely free and he has his entire 25yr military retirement unencumbered by the 10+ year marriage to his XW. It cost him writing a $35K check about 15yrs ago but protected $100s-of-thousands of his retirement income.

On an intellectual level, that this shit show is now over and you are moving on is cause for a massive celebration.

Celebrate you.

Get mad, go scorched earth on his idiot ass.

Take care of you.

I get the emotion, and the grief. However, it has to be managed effectively to minimize negative impact on you and your future and to keep him isolated from you and any benefit derived from you.

Start billing him for half of the mortgage, utilities, housing related bills. Do not give him access to food that you purchase. My XW presented the room mate thing. She moved to the other side of the house. That home was a 3/2 MIL plan with the MBR on one side and the other two BRs and a bath on the other side with the greatroom (LR, Dining area, and family room) in the middle with a sunroom as part of the greatroom as well.

I got on with life. Yes, I was depressed. But I also did not sit around brooding. I worked, I started mountain biking with a group of friends, I started going to movies alone, I was working on undergrad classes, I engaged with a number of friends actively. I lived.

Have you found your pit bull attorney yet?

And therapy. My rock star PhD Psychologist that started out as our Doctoral student marriage counselor was a God send in my rediscovery of being the person I enjoyed being and getting back into living my best life. That she was our marriage counselor for 6mos and privy to all of my XW's drama and bullshit during that process was a big part of she and I effectively collaborating on my progress after my XW walked out of our last marriage counseling session.

Deep breaths CLove. You got this. Step into being radiant and never look back.

That made me cry a bit inside

But happy tears. I did get out to live music and friends last sunday...

The good life is ahead I have to stop looking at the crap Im stepping in right now...

That is what waders/Wellies are for.

So you can walk through the crap without getting any of it on you.

Get mad, go battle maiden on his ass.

Please!

I agree with all of this.

If it has only been 7 years.. then there is only but so much to divvie up. Spousal support is probably unlikely for a marriage less than 10 years (obv get a legal opinion).. and as far as his claim on any retirement etc.. it would only be based on earned/appreciated during the 7 years.. not your whole life. I do agree if it takes a payout to make him go away.. it's worth it.

The house. yes.. you sell that house. there is nothing "good" for you there. There are bad memories.. and you may think you "love" it.. but you may just be holding onto familiarity.. what you are used to. Get used to something BETTER!

And.. getting rid of the house.. and cashing you both out.. gives both of you that fresh start.. and you can factor in some more for him if necessary to bargain with to keep him out of your retirement fund.

I know starting over sounds daunting.. but you would be better off.. very far away from this trainwreck of a person.

I felt like the weight of the

I felt like the weight of the world was lifted when I sold my Bad Memories house.

I was forced to sell my house

I was forced to sell my house when I divorced but I ended up being glad to be in a new place and start fresh. I created new traditions and it forced me to reconnect to the new "me" and the new life without him. I moved within walking to a beautiful hiking trail and it was sooo awesome. It wad my decision and MY terms. And what I wanted. Time to get selfish and not feel bad about it.

Clove can escape without any baggage.

*yahoo*

Lady, get away from that man.

Lady, get away from that man. A house is not worth your life.