A powerful realization
The skids (in my case) were just as big a pain in the rear end when my SO and BM were together as they are now. She was a white trash lazy mom who parked them in front of the TV all day and bought them everything they wanted and coddled and babied them endlessly. This is nothing new and just due to the divorce. From what my SO tells me, when they were married he worked and she stayed home with the shitheads and spent money all day spoiling the shit out of them. She's a mousey little pushover and let's them do anything...he just laughs at their bad behavior, so they became little hellions, which they are today. Rotten, entitled, lazy idiots. NOW IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE.
Does anyone else think the skids were like that beforehand....or do most people believe that the divorce is what changed the kids suddenly into tyrants? In my case, the kids were always obnoxious, and I am just now realizing it. Which makes me think they will never change.
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My DH's kids are now 19, 20,
My DH's kids are now 19, 20, and 23. Their BM is similar to what you described with yours, except ours was a gambler and spent her days smoking and scratching lottery tickets. She and DH did not have a lot of money, but she would keep the kids quiet with fast food and small toys, as well as the tv. She would mock DH, which the kids learned to do themselves. She has never worked, and told them they do not have to work, as that was "DH's job." They were all stunned when DH finally could not take it anymore and filed for divorce. They thought he would always be around. I believe that is why they hate me so much, because they feel like I took DH, when we actually met after the divorce. Not to mention, BM cheated on him for most of the marriage.
My MIL, who is more of an issue for me than BM, feels sorry for the "kids," but admits they were awful to be around. DH's daughter screamed all of the time, and his sons were just always out of control. They were always a problem in school. None of DH's family asks about them now, except my clueless MIL. She is a whole other problem. She said DH tried and tried to set boundaries and rules, but BM kept fighting him, and he gave in.
BM lives with her aunt in a very very small home, with all three of the skids there. Only DH's daughter works-pt. His sons refuse to work, never have. They do not even have driver's licenses. BM's aunt is the only one working full time. DH's kids really do not have any concept of reality. No coping skills. Very immature. DH finally stopped enabling about 2 years ago, and I think they are finally realizing it. They are abusive, nasty, manipulative people. They were horrible to me from the beginning. I have not even met one, because he will not have anything to do with DH until DH leaves me. Nice, huh?
BM is now "getting tired of them"-really, look in the mirror, BM.....
Your skids are NOT going to change unless they understand how the real world works. They live in a bubble now, and if your DH does not burst it, they will continue to be a mess, and it only gets worse when they become adults.
Yours sound like a nightmare.
Yours sound like a nightmare. And the one you have not met...well that's a blessing! I am truly worried my skids will turn out like yours. Count yourself lucky your man doesn't allow them to live with you! And that they haven't reproduced!
I am very lucky because I saw
I am very lucky because I saw how bad the skids were right from the start. Before we got engaged, and before we married, I made it crystal clear-they will never move in here. 2 of them have already tried. BM wants them here. Our house is not much bigger than hers, but what is worse is how awful they are. If my DH ever goes back on his promise that they never come here, I am gone.
DH's daughter is trying to get pregnant so she can collect welfare. His son got his minor gf pregnant this summer and immediately TOLD DH that DH "had to help." She later miscarried, but this somewhat opened DH's even more, because when he told his son he had to get a job, and his son laughed, DH got mad. And he does not ever get mad.
You may still have time for your skids to change, but that has to come from DH if he is enabling and coddling. And if BM fights him, it is very hard. That is what happened with my skids-mom became the favorite because she is the fun parent.
It's just funny how people
It's just funny how people always talk about the pain of divorce and how it makes kids somehow turn into brats somehow. Like the back and forth between houses and Disney dad parenting or being ignored by both parents because they have to work....or because they both have moved on and have new mates and aren't making the kids first priority so they are acting out. Well you know what? That's all a bunch of CRAP because in my skids case THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LAZY SPOLIED BRATS.
It didn't take some big dramatic emotional divorce to scar them and bring it out in them.
From what I have heard SO's
From what I have heard SO's kids are about the same only they don't act like assholes in MY house. They still play the game with their mother though. It actually kind of scared me to have SS13 over this weekend because SO just got off the phone with BM, SS13 decided that he didn't want to do dishes so he piled them all into the strainer and threw them out the door onto the lawn. 3 days before that his mother wasn't paying enough attention to him because she was on the phone so he grabbed the phone from her hand and threw that out onto the lawn.
This behavior is not surprising coming from SS13, in the same phone call he informed BM that she needed to repair the holes in the walls (one very large one in the kitchen and another in the hallway) SS13 had kicked and punched holes in the walls because he didn't want to do XYZ. His punishment was to miss two basketball practices. This is all she can really do to him because both of the kids do absolutely nothing but go to school, go to practice for whatever sport they are in and then go home to sit.
That is how they act with BM. They have not shown that side at my house and it was already established by SO that kind of behavior will not be tolerated here and they would no longer be welcome in my home if anything like that were to happen.
Hopefully he didnt ruin the
Hopefully he didnt ruin the plates! It sounds like you put your foot down. I am one that hides behind my SO. they hate me anyyway, so I try not to tell them one on one to do anything. Just because I am not their mom, and I am pretty much disengaged from them all in all. they are boys 10 and 12 and I worry about when they get taller...the YES has a violent streak and they are all cuckoo. Like my SO daughter is on meds and literally not allowed at our home for safety reasons. She used to beat the little one daily, drag him around on the floor, torture him...etc. but she was the princess and so nobody did ANYTHING ABOUT IT. literally. She and the other two literally have had zero boundaries or rules or chores or limits ever. Scary stuff.
I had this realization and
I had this realization and posted it awhile back.
My blog was something like, do you think the skids ruined their parents marriage??
Mine did. They were young. Neither parent wanted to parent the kids when they were married. DH complains that BM used to 'shove the kids off on him' the moment he walked in the door from work. BM worked, but was home before DH, so she picked them up, when DH came home 2 hours later, BM had enough and turned the kids onto him and she went to the bedroom to watch TV. DH isn't innocent by any right, he worked as late as he could to avoid looking after his kids too.
To me neither one wanted to look after their own kids. The push and pull of that was adding more issues to their marriage. OK - so you can't blame 2 young children - its the parents fault. But the point is that none of that has changed today. BM and DH have a 50-50 split. You have to beg and plead to get BM to take an extra day and DH will take an extra day - however, he turns and dumps his kids on ME now. Exactly what BM did to him. I find that the moment DH gets his ass home from work (to which he seems to work as late as possible on skid days) I shove them off on him - just as BM did only difference is THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS and I have been watching them from 3pm in most cases because I work from home. I am sure DH feels I am not different than BM in this case however, THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS and I have my own 2 bios to watch which I do not ever shove off on DH - EVER.
The divorce gave BM and DH 50% free time from their kids - both are totally resentful of the other. Neither wants more time. DH claims he would take them full time, BM threatened to take them just to 'make him pay' but her few attempts at this after the divorce ended with her calling him within 48 hours to 'come pick up your kids' because she couldnt handle more than 48 hours with them in her care.
Today the schedule sucks - its selfish of both parents - they bounce the kids back and forth with no more than 48 hours at once to any house for the most part. DH has them tue\wed\thur every other week which is the longest they stay in one place - but since those are all weekdays - he only sees them from 630pm-830pm after work - I am stuck with them afterschool until DH gets home along with my bios - so easy for DH if you ask me.
i am certain the skids played a very big role in the divorce of their parents - maybe not at their fault but just by their existence.