Passing along the dysfunction
A little background...
Dh left BM nearly 7 years ago. SD was 2 at the time. BM did everything to get the courts to deny my dh access to SD. She insisted on supervision. She claimed he was mentally ill. She claimed she feared for her safety, that he threatened and intimidated her. That he was a control freak. That he was abusive. CPS has been at our door. There have been many mental health care professionals involved to try to sort it all out. She asked SD (again a TODDLER) leading questions. Drilled her version of dh into the kid's head. Held the kid accountable for her emotions (often calling the kid while she was with dh and crying on the phone that she missed her so much). She manufactured separation anxiety by making a big deal about every separation, even crying herself at times. She begged SD to not cry. She withheld affection if SD said anything nice about dh. This is not "taking my dh's word for it". It is all written by professionals in reports submitted to the court. Basically, the doc's all agreed that she allowed her hatred and emotions to leak out and affected SD causing anxiety. In the end, dh was awarded 50/50 custody and BM was warned that if her false allegations continued she may lose custody.
So here is my problem. SD9 is now behaving in a similar manner with our son. If she is leaving the room and he gets upset she continues to tease him to drive that emotion. She seems to enjoy that he is feeding her ego by being upset when she is leaving. My child does not have separation anxiety. And when I separate from him and he fusses (he always fusses a little), I kiss him good-bye and I go. I don't drag it out and give him reason to think a tantrum will change my mind or that there is any reason to be anxious. We've asked her to stop doing this and guess what? He stopped crying over it and that pisses her off.
She also "withholds" affection if she doesn't think he is paying her enough attention. She'll very dramatically sigh and stomp off. And she literally begs him for hugs and kisses. It is constant. She follows the poor thing around with her arms out begging him to hug her. Sometimes it will go on for 15 minutes and it happens a dozen times a day.
Here's the big one. Tonight I heard her asking him if he was "happy". He, of course, said 'no' because he is 2 and that is his favorite word. Hell, he told me no when I asked him if he wanted cake, as he was taking the cake out of my hand. So she goes "you're not happy". He again says no. Then she asks him if he can say "sad". He repeats it. She says "are you sad?". Well, now repeating is on his mind and he says "sad". And then she goes on to grill him about why he is sad? What the hell? He is 2.
I recognize she is likely emulating a parent / child relationship, but it pisses me off. I don't want my child having a dysfunctional idea of how to relate to people or a sibling. I don't want him to be responsible for validating her. I don't want her leading him in conversation so that he says what she wants to hear. Does it make her happy to hear he is sad? I also hate that she takes EVERYTHING that happens in our home over to her BM even if it isn't true, so now she'll probably go home and tell her bm that DS is unhappy here. Not that I give a rat's ass what her mother thinks. My kid is very happy and her opinion means nothing to me, but it still pisses me off that her kid lies and she takes it as fact.
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Comments
Thanks dtzy. Thank God my dh
Thanks dtzy. Thank God my dh set her straight on some of the other behaviors. I want them to have a good relationship. I don't want her to not like him or to resent him. And he adores her. It is a balance. He told her she can ask for hugs if she is leaving the house or before bedtime, but that it makes DS uncomfortable when she does it so often. And he explained to her that when she is leaving the room she needs to leave. She can't drag it out and she can't tease him by leaving and coming back and leaving, etc.
I agree with dtzy ... this is
I agree with dtzy ... this is how she thinks you behave with children because this is the parenting model she grew up with. Good for your DH to point out the error in her ways. I would watch out for other kinds of dysfunctional behaviour like fake crying when BS2 does something ordinary. Point out that her brother will love her more if she teaches him how to be happy and can play safely on his own. No one wants to be sad all the time. How does she behave when her dad leaves the room? Is she in therapy at all for her mother's crazy parenting?
Remember that your son is
Remember that your son is your primary responsibility not SD. That doesn't mean that you should treat her poorly - but it it comes down to protecting your son or hurting her fee fees there is no choice. Your son is first.
Oh believe my oldone, DS is
Oh believe my oldone, DS is my priority here. I'm not so much worried about hurting her feelings as I am worried about approaching it in a way that doesn't destroy the relationship. DS adores her. And she treats him well (though in a mostly dysfunctional way). I just want it to be a HEALTHY relationship for him. Sometimes I struggle with separating what issues are truly worth addressing and which ones are an over-reaction on my part.
The conversation disturbed me because I recognized the pattern, but DS was completely unaware that he was being manipulated into giving answers, kwim? I'm going to monitor it for a bit. If it continues and she insists on driving the conversation and his answers, I will have dh speak to her about appropriate conversation and how important it is to let DS think for himself without her "giving" him the answer.
And that is where I get hung up because SD can't think for herself. She is so used to her mother telling her how she feels, what she thinks and what to say that answering a simple question is a pain in the ass. Everything is a riddle.
That is good advice, SA. As a
That is good advice, SA. As a note though, I don't pass off to my dh when she does something obvious. My son is my first priority and frankly, I'm not overly concerned about who gets upset when I address SD. I generally address her behavior myself. The only time I "pass" off is when I am not sure if I am over reacting. I don't hesitate when she teases him, stalks away from him, or begs him for attention. I do address those things.
This particular instance perplexed me because I felt it was inappropriate but I wasn't sure that it actually was inappropriate or if I was projecting my feelings about the way her mother speaks to her onto the situation. I am self-aware enough to recognize that I sometimes do over-react and that I am over-protective of my son when it comes to SD. The last thing on earth I want is for him to turn out like SD. So I discussed it with my dh and he handled it. He is level-headed and he loves them both so he has a more balanced way of viewing the situation.
I can do that because my dh is very different than your dh and a lot of the other dh's on this board. He does address my concerns. He sometimes addresses them too "softly" for me, but once he addresses it, I am more comfortable in addressing it my way the next time it happens. I take his "soft" approach as validation that her behavior is unacceptable (and not my imagination) and I follow up.
Thanks SA. I have to say even
Thanks SA. I have to say even with the dysfunction she provides, she has improved with the birth of our son. Despite her manipulation, she dotes on him and shows real caring toward him. Just so hard to have someone else's influence in your home and around your kid.