Disengaging is so hard to do, but it's the only way to cope
Ok, here's a rant. Hopefully it will help to give my brain a break.
So SS9 is staying over tonight and tomorrow night, and I'm not at all looking forward to it. Some interesting news though: SS9 now treats BM's fiance the same we he treats me. Now BM admits that what I've been going through with SS9 is terrible, and that SS9 has been lying about a lot of things for the past 6+ years.
At this point, I absolutely cannot stand to be around SS9 anymore. In fact, I cannot stand to be around DH when SS9 is around, because he changes into a different person. We're lucky in that we only have 50/50 custody, but I wish it was less.
SS9 still pees the bed and doesn't clean it up (even my BD2 says that "his room is stinky"), throws tantrums, cries constantly, treats me terribly, and doesn't do anything around the house without a fit. And the worst part is that DH doesn't check anything SS9 says he did, even though he's lying 99.9% of the time.
To continue disengaging this past weekend, I had to resort to staying mostly in my bedroom cleaning so that I didn't go insane. I even had a hard time sleeping last night, mostly because I'm tired of having a disgusting-smelling room in the house that no one does anything about. I just don't get how hard it is for DH to set rules and consistently follow through on them.
In all reality, it's hard for a person like me who likes to be involved to disengage, but it's the only way that I can cope and our marriage can survive. It's taken 6+ years to figure it out, but DH's lack of parenting SS9 is the real problem, and that's extremely unlikely to ever change.
So I will read the disengaging essayevery day to myself, and keep that in my head when it feels like it's going to explode. But it's never easy, especially when you have an annoyed BS15 and an impressionable BD2 seeing all of that chaos.
Well, I'm done for now. I plan on continuing on with stuff around the house with BD2 where SS9 isn't at, reading more of Stepmonster, and continuing to write about my frustrations in this wonderful venting blog of ours. At least several rooms in my house will be spotless when I'm done...hopefully.
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I wish you the best and hope
I wish you the best and hope things work out for you. I feel so bad that you have to deal with this kid and your DH isn't stepping up and doing more to discipline him.
Thanks RedWingsFan, I agree.
Thanks RedWingsFan, I agree. I wish DH would see the light so to speak, but I'm a realist, and I don't ever see it happening.
It's unfortunate that I have to disengage to deal with it, but the alternative is for me to be unhappy and bullied by a 9-year-old while I pull all of my hair out. It's just not worth it, and I need to focus on myself and my two biokids. I just need to keep the tenants of the disengaging essay in my head, and like that essay says "You must remember that he has no right to expect more parenting from you than he is willing to do himself.".
^^Exactly right. I know it
^^Exactly right. I know it is hard. I, too had to disengage from SD14. She was trying to destroy our relationship and I was so on edge around her every time she came over. I disengaged, but DH stepped up and began parenting and disciplining her. Of course, once that happened and she was no longer in control anymore, she moved in with BM full time.
Anyhow, I know it can be done but I also know that if your DH doesn't step up and parent his kid, things will get much worse. I do feel for you! I'm so sorry!
You are completely correct.
You are completely correct. In our state, SS9 can get arrested when he turns 10 and go to juvenile hall for things like what he's already done, including $700+ worth of vandalism to my car. If he's 10+ and that's a neighbor, he won't be so lucky.
The worst part is that DH works in law enforcement, and he says that he knows that SS9 is going down a bad path, while in the next breathe he says it's not that bad. But in my opinion (and many others), he and BM are being too lazy to deal with it and are all going to suffer the consequences soon enough. I won't be happy about it, but I'll at least feel vindicated when it does happen, like I have been about most things so far. But even though I've been proven right on a number of things, he still continues to deny that it's as bad as it is.
He'd rather keep his head in the sand and act like everything's not that bad, or that SS9 will just snap out of it one day. They're all in for a very rude wake-up call.
I'm not at this point yet,
I'm not at this point yet, but I'm starting to research it. Even though DH takes my input a lot - I am still stuck with the bulk of the parenting. It's been a tough few weeks, especially with SS13 telling me he hates me last week before school. My feelings are hurt and I'm angry.
DH takes him off of restriction last night. The deal with him being on restriction was that he got 100% on his homework last week. He didn't. He turned something in late. DH took him off anyway. I was not happy. I told him that I give up and he can handle it from now on: communicating with teachers, helping SS13 with HW, signing behavior reports, etc, etc. Since he's blown everything we all agreed to with his simple little decision he decided to make last night on his own, I'm disengaging from homework. We'll see what DH decides to do.
I TOTALLY understand where
I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from. Nice to know other step parents feel the same way. I'm new to this forum and it's my first time seeking assistance since becoming a step-parent. At least you get a break. My SD's BM is not involved and I'm having a hard time accepting full responsibilty w/out being bitter that I can't spend more one on one time w/my first born 2 year old. And his personality also changes when they're together and I can't help feeling like "if she wasn't here, I wouldn't HAVE this problem!!!" I do love her, but I'm working on my acceptance of my life w/this right now. Any advice??
Is there anyway you could
Is there anyway you could have cheap vinyl flooring put in his room? And a major rubber sheet? That way you could sort of hose it down in there. Throw a bucket of ammonia in there from the door way?
I bought a home that had dog pee smell all the way thru the subflooring. I thought I was going to suffocate before the contractor took it all up.
@oldone: He does have cheap
@oldone: He does have cheap vinyl flooring in there (the wood-looking variety) and a plastic sheet. But since he absolutely never does his laundry until his dad says to do one load, he just reaks in there. At first I tried to keep on-top of it, but then I got accused of nagging. So I had to wash my hands of it a few years back, no pun intended.
@step off already: That's how I started disengaging, with homework. I used to try to help him out, but I was just yelled at and ridiculed all of the time. So I told DH that I couldn't do it anymore, and that he'd have to deal with it on his own. It's one of the best things I've ever done, because it really used to stress me out.
@BahamaMama: The only advice I could give is to be consistent with disengaging. My DH says that I'm singling SS9 out, but like I've told him, DH and SS9 are the one's singling themselves out. Everyone else in the house has rules, expectations and respect for each other. The fact that my BD2 acts much better than SS9 is proof of that. You'll always be the bad guy unless you do exactly what DH wants, but the point of disengaging is to set clear boundaries, value yourself, give quality time to your biokids, and never waiver. Not wavering is the hardest part, but it's worth it in the end. Here are some things you should have on speed-dial in your head:
SK asks how to answer a question on homework. You say "Go ask your dad."
SK asks "Where are my shoes?" or "Where is my dad?". You say "I don't know."
DH vents about SK's BM? Say "Ok" and walk away.
You see a mess that SK has made on the table or his bathroom floor? Leave it there and clean around it.
SK pees his bed every day? Keep his door closed and put a towel under it.
And most importantly, repeat in your head "Not my kid, not my problem."
This is how I've dealt with it, and although it can be stressful at times (especially the nasty pee room), it's the only way that I can live in that house in some sort of peace.
That's exactly where I'm at.
That's exactly where I'm at. I'm the one communicating with teachers, the one he comes to for help, the one he asks to sign his weekly teacher report and then DH just decides to take him off of punishment when he did not do what needed to be done to come off. I told DH (in a minor rage) that I was done and that he could handle all of the school work with his son from now on since he was acting like a single dad by the action he just took. I have my own kids that I'd much rather be spending time with rather than sitting with his ungreatful son at the kitchen table while he pouts for 2 hours that his work is too hard.
I'm PG and emotional too, so that could have been why some of my more harsh comments slipped out: just remember, your parenting style had your son flunking most of his subjects and he's way behind grade level. Keep it up DH; you're doing GREAT!
Again, not my best wife moment, but I'm pissed. It sucks to put so much energy into something and then just have it given up on by DH. I think I will let DH write (and pay for) the $1000 tuition payments that we make (I've been making) to the school each month for SS13 to attend so he can get on track.
@step off already: I feel
@step off already: I feel your pain! It's not an easy road at all. I love DH and I'm going to try everything I can to keep us together. *But* I refuse to be treated disrespectfully by a nine-year-old while DH watches and ignores. These types of parents just don't get it, and they may never get it. You've got to focus on yourself and your kids, and let him do (or not do) what he's supposed to do. It's his kid, and if he continues down that road, it will be his failure. We've done everything that we can, like we would have for our own kiddos. But at some point, we've got to stop beating a dead horse.
Thanks to the Disengaging Essay, these are what I call my 11 commandments of step-parenthood:
1. Your SKs are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
8. Your DH is not a mother.
9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.
11. What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.
I LOVE THIS AND WILL BE
I LOVE THIS AND WILL BE RECITING IT EVERY DAY. I should not and do not feel bad for taking myself out of the skid loop.