This morning DH was going on about this and that about our (my) new house and how he's going to fix this and install that and put this in and fix that... I am just sitting there feelings this blah feeling. I keep having this "block" in my mind about moving, like when you actually focus on something it disappears, like a shadow or ghost. I know what it is but looking at it straight on is like looking into a vortex. The vortex being having to live with ss16 in a house that is less then half the size of this one, and living with the shitzu that I cannot stand either. There are thousands of dogs and kids I have encountered in my life and somehow I get stuck with the one dog and the one kid that most annoy me ever ever. UHHGG. I feel as though I am being swallowed by this vortex and am just never really happy anymore.

So DH is talking and then he looks at me and says he sees a caution in me he doesn't like and asks what's going on in my head. At first I just brush it off and say I am just not looking forward to moving. Then I say that lately I have been dreaming about living in the smaller house and experiencing different things that make me crazy. He asks, so what are those things and I say like sharing a bathroom with 2 teen boys and dh, smelling piss in my dreams and getting those feelings of wanting to escape. Then he sees where this is going and he gets all defensive and is saying things like I like your kids and never say things like that about your kids and bla bla bla. He does not like my disabled daughter and I'll tell ya something, if she lived with us 24/7 he'd be the one escaping. When I have her over for 4 hours he is no where in sight. Yet I have to like his son and be nice to him and be a friend? (simple request in dh's mind) Ss16 makes my hair stand on end when he is around, I am VERY aware of him where ever he is in the house, he makes my skin feel strange, I cannot discribe it excpet that feeling of being watched when you cannot see someone, like you're always aware.

Anyways, so DH was so defensive and yelling at me asking me what can he do he has a kid and dog and he wants to be with me. I mentioned maybe we could live apart for a couple years until ss moves out and dh said well then we may as well divorce. It was an awful fight and dh left in a huge huff. I try to not bring this up to him but every once in awhile, other then writing on this site, things just boil over and come out, unintentionally most of the time b/c I trully love dh and want to live with him but caring for ss16 now for 4 years and basically 3 more to go until he graduates is almost more then I can bare in this big house let alone a small one. We HAD to go smaller b/c the rent on this house was eating us alive and we only qualified financially for a certain size of a house.

So now I have a choice, continue to bury my feelings with ss16 for the remainder of his time with us, or make a move on what I talked about this morning with dh. He won't make the first move b/c he and ss are so dependant on me. He won't willingly move out and live in a small studio apartment or with friends which is all he could afford. Ss16 will not move back to bm's which in my opinion, even tho I hate bm, would be fabulous. I'd love for her to finish up her parenting resposibilities with ss instead of me having to. I honestly think if it came down to ss16 living with bm or dh leaving me to keep ss, dh would leave me sooner then let ss go back to bm. It's that simple and it's that complicated.

I am not the kind of person to kick someone out of my home, except ss19 b/c he threatened me and it was time for him to go. I am usually very kind and very tolerant, but I am finding that this dog and ss16 situation makes me feel burdened almost constantly. I hate that I feel this way. I wish I was the kind of smom who could joyously take into her arms a child that is not mine and love and adore him as though he was the light of my life. My own daughter is disabled and my ex (not me) put her into a care home at a young age,I am not that kind of person to do any of this. I would rather have my own daughter back then continue on like this. I cannot have her back b/c exh got full guardianship of her, now I have to deal with another child that wears me down. When will it end and is this my road??? Can I last 2 1/2 more years?