How to stop being a pushover
First off, Hi. I am not too familiar with this website but I think it is wonderful that stepparents have a place to be themselves and talk with other stepparents who may understand them.
I am a stepmother to 4 kids. I have 3 teen stepdaughters and a young stepson. I also have a toddler daughter of my own. When it comes to my step kids I am a huge pushover and I know I need to grow a backbone. At first things where good when they would spend every other weekend with us. We would all go to the movies. The girls and I would go get our nails done and gossip. Sure we had our share of problems but it was not too bad. Now That things have changed to them spending spring, Christmas, and summer breaks with us things are different. The last time they were here I took them shopping at the dollar store. It was supposed to be a quick walk in pick up a few things trip. I told them they could pick out something they wanted. I ended up walking out of the dollar store having spent over 150 dollars on a cart full of junk. I know it’s ridiculous but I didn't say anything because I hate pouting. When they are at my house they are loud, lazy, and disrespectful. My Husband wants them to like him so he doesn't discipline unless it gets to crazy. They stay up all night long and eat me out of house and home but I try not to say anything and just live out their visits. All my friends tell me I need to grow a backbone and tell DH how I feel and stand up to the step kids. I want to I am just scared. Whenever you do talk to these kids they pretend they don't hear you or they get all pouty and mouthy and I just hate dealing with it.
Can anyone just tell me how to get a spine? I don't want to sound awful but I really do not like my step kids as human beings and I get sick to my stomach whenever they come around. But spring break is coming up and I want to know how to deal with them. If I can't get through one week how will I get through a whole summer?
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Comments
What changed that caused
What changed that caused visitation to go from eowe to school breaks only?
How often are they around? A few weeks a year in total? And they are TEENS? Good luck.
First of all, teens like to stay up late. I don't see why that's wrong if they're on school break. Second, they eat. A LOT. That is normal.
Third, if you said they could pick out a couple of things at the Dollar Store, and you bought 150 items (!!!) then that's only on you. HOW do you grow a backbone? You don't let it get that far. You simply say they can pick out 1, 2, 3... items.
I finally just had to say
I finally just had to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH. I was put thru Hell for way too long, it was not skid I had a problem with in regard to disengaging, it was DH. Skid, I have zero good feelings about, would not care if I never saw him again. DH, I was sickened by his Disneyland Dad antics, just as you said, all he wanted ws for skid to "like" him. I wore myself out trying to get him to stop and start parenting appropriately, and it was like talking to a brick wall. I tried and tried to make him see he was ruining skid all at the expense of my own emotions and sanity. It was so hard to bite my tongue and not call him out on his bullshit anymore, but I had to. You have to just make up your mind that today is the day you are going to get it all off your chest and tell him that he has got to do something about them. It is not your job to correct them or carry that burden, they are HIS kids, HIS problem to deal with. He either will make an effort or he will ignore you but at least you know you stood up for yourself, and then, if he chooses to continue on like he has, you will have to decide if you can disengage and live with it. I told DH I am his wife but in now way skids stepmom and I was no longer involved. I am not a babysitter so don't ask. If DH is at work skid is not here. You don't have to be a doormat to be his wife.
My Husband and I had to move
My Husband and I had to move due to his job so he had to change the visitation schedule. And it’s not the staying up all night it’s the staying up all night being extremely loud. It’s about them being so rude and disrespectful.
So you probably don't have
So you probably don't have any relatives nearby that can take them. That was the only thing that made this work for us, if DH is working skid goes to MIL's. Teens do stay up late, I was the same way during breaks and summers, but I knew better than to keep everyone else up. I was not rude and disrespectful towards the other people in my home. This is a conversation your DH has to have with them. Tell him what you need and let him address it with them. Tell him how you feel about not wanting to tell them no, that you are uncomfortable and tell him he will have to set some ground rules and back you up. Nothing will change if you don't ask this of him.