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Back in the states.. Why am I still not happy?

lostinbrazil's picture

Submitted by lostinbrazil on Tue, 03/12/2013 - 8:02pm

So I have been back in the US for about 3 weeks now,, At first everything was exciting and I was feeling pretty good but FDH and I were still in this weird state of supposedly trying to make things work between us and basically just fighting with each other. He tells me he wants to be with me but then he is so mean to me and it breaks my heart, its torture. Seriously in the time that I have been here he has hung up the phone on me numerous times and not called when he said he would countless times.. I know everyone has been telling me to officially break up with him forever and I have numerous times but then I always go back to him. I do love him and it scares me so much the thought of all of our plans and dreams for our future together will never happen. It gives me an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Feeling hopeless that I will ever find the right guy and get married, have kids. I was so sure he was it.
I just dont understand what happened, how can something that was so beautiful turn into such a horrible thing?
Now I am just so overcome with sadness and he is on a work related cruise in the middle of the ocean and so supposedly he is unable to be contacted. I feel like such a loser that I cant just end it. I dont know what is wrong with me. I want to go on antidepressants and see a therapist but I dont have a car yet and so everything is just difficult. I feel like such a failure and its just too much for me to handle. I am working here now in a city where I am living with a friend and I really need to save some money but I just want to go to my parents house and I dont know why I didnt just go there in the first place.
I just dont feel like there is really a light at the end of the tunnel.. Sad Sad Sad

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lostinbrazil's picture

Submitted by lostinbrazil on Tue, 03/12/2013 - 8:46pm

Thanks for thinking of me and for the advice. i will go to my parents soon but like i said im working here now so i have to wait a bit longer.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Tue, 03/12/2013 - 9:16pm

I spent one year living with my now-DH. When I returned to my home country (visa expired) he wanted to 'just be friends' Ummm, after a week of being 'just friends' and him dating some other woman I emailed him and told him my heart was too much in it and I was not going to just be friends. I couldn't put my feelings 2nd anymore. If we weren't going anywhere we were going nowhere. And I stopped all contact with him. No emails, no online chats while I was at home and he was at work. Nothing.

And this was the ONLY way I got to find myself again. To find out who I really was without a guy. Damn it was lonely and when Valentines Day rolled around I cried myself to sleep. But I refused to contact him unless my rather plain and simple expectations were going to be met. 1)We actively pursued spending our lives together. 2) He stopped denying it and told me he loved me. If he couldn't do this he was not the man for me.

As he is now my DH you can get the idea he got a clue and came to his senses. BUT,,,, in saying this if he hadn't I would still have been me. I would be somewhere else in my life. It may not have been the same but just different. And you have only been without him for 3 weeks and still have contact. Try 3 months. Give yourself time away from him. Let him make a grand gesture and move to the States if he wants you so much. Let him find you. He is like a smoking habit where you are still buying them and sucking on them and not inhaling.

It is do-able. It is hard. But send him an email telling him you are letting him go for 3 months. In 3 months he may contact you if he wants to be with you. And in the meantime don't let the grass grow under your feet. Travel to at least 2 national parks this summer and visit a national monument and appreciate something bigger than you.

I suspect when he contacts you again you will be slightly more independent and less likely to put up with his cultural crap. And him. If he does contact you before the 3 months is up, he is not for you because he doesn't respect your wishes.

noway70's picture

Submitted by noway70 on Wed, 03/13/2013 - 11:16am

I have been wondering about you, too.

You know, his crap is NOT cultural. I'm Brazilian and I'd know. He's pure an simply being an a**.

You said you just keep going back to him. It's really hard when you act against your own better judgement. That is why you shouldn't stay home alone. Watch out for the triggers that get you to missing him. And keep reminding yourself you are not really missing HIM, you're missing what it once was or might have been.

What oneooffour said is really, realy great advice (I especially liked the part about appreciating something bigger than you).
Go see your parents, go out with friends, take the time apart to be with yourself. Do stuff for yourself, pamper yourself, find time and ways to enjoy being alone.

I have a similar story with my DH, except we were apart for 3 years. I love him to pieces, but I know if we hadn't gotten back together,I'd be just fine.

You deserve so much better.
Take care of yourself.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Wed, 03/13/2013 - 9:11am

Going through a breakup is never an easy thing. When it gets drawn out like this, it is even harder.

Why would you want to be with someone who treats you the way he does? Why would you LOVE someone who treats you how he does?

Maybe you are in love with what COULD have been...if how he started out acting was how he REALLY WAS. You aren't in love with him...you are in love with the CHARACTER that he played when he was reeling you in. It is a fantasy.

As oneoffour says, you cannot get true clarity over your life and complete the grieving process while you two are attempting to make work something that clearly will NOT work.

lostinbrazil's picture

Submitted by lostinbrazil on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 11:08am

Thank you all again for always giving great advice. I am trying to follow it all and am focusing on work and the gym and my friends and family. Its so true that the worst is when I am home alone.. But I am trying to hold on to the faith that I have always had that everything happens for a reason and my life will work out as it should. It is so hard but you all help a lot so thanks again!