Trying the single life on for size
SO and stepkids have gone for a week long car holiday. They left today. SO and I had planned to go away together but then an event unfolded in my life related to DD18 which meant that I couldn't take time off at the same time as him. So he decided to ask his kids to go instead. All good.
For someone who is normally hopeless at planning anything and leaves everything for me to organise, this man has planned this trip down to the minute. Apparently there is a very detailed itinerary and excel spreadsheet with the route, the food they will eat, their daily activities, the equipment they will take. This has been shared with everyone, inluding enmeshed MIL. But not with me; not that I've asked for it. I figure he would share it with me if he wanted to, but no; he doesn't tell me anything, everything is done cloak and dagger style - I only find out details if I accidentally see a message pop up on his phone or someone else lets it slip. Such is the secrecy surrounding what he does with the real loves of his life; SD and MIL. It's not really relevant to this story, but it bugs me that he has this whole other life that he does not share with me, yet they control his moods and his actions completely and it ultimately affects me because I find out about decisions which impact me after the decision has been made.
I have had to bite my tongue for the last week or so when he has been completely absorbed in the planning of this trip; borrowed items to take along from friends and family, talking secret-agent-style to MIL and stepkids, getting more and more excited about it, bouncing around, smiling to himself. I am genuinely super pleased that he is going to have over a week solely with his children and really get to spend quality time with them. The only thing that bugs me is the secrecy around it as it feels like a snub to me that everyone else is involved in this secret little mission, except me. Feeling excluded really is a form or mental torture. Particularly since he and I were going to go visit this place they are going to. I know he feels quilty because he has said on occasion that "this is a dry run for when he and I go".
Now that I have the house to myself for a week I have decided that I'm going to do my best to ignore the icky and paranoid feelings and the toxicity that is lurking inside of me. I know it's all me. I have to work on that. However I have been cheated on before and this feels strangely similar. I don't like the feeling of always being on guard - will the SD's wishes and demands be put before mine? Are there plans in motion which involve my peace in the house being disturbed? Is SO sharing intimate details of MY life with MIL (yes! always). It's never ending and it's exhausting.
I am going to really see how it feels to be by myself in the house this week; just look after myself and my DDs, be carefree and try not to think about all the red flags at the beginning of our relationship that I have ignored and all the time I have wasted being miserable and feeling disconnected from the person I have chosen to spend my life with.
I have a week to immerse myself in feeling like a single girl again and I have a feeling that I am really going to enjoy it.
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Comments
I so understand with the
I so understand with the secretive stuff. It drives me crazy. When my skids go to their mom's I love it. It gets so peaceful at my house.
"He has this whole other life
"He has this whole other life that he does not share with me, yet they control his moods and his actions completely and it ultimately affects me because I find out about decisions which impact me after the decision has been made." This resonates with me, my situation sounds very different to yours & there's no purposeful secrecy but I can relate to this, I think SO feels he is protecting me from the drama at the other house (BM's) by not telling me certain things & sometimes I'd rather not know but other times I need to. I think you're putting a really positive spin on this & I hope you manage to make the most of your week of independence :)
You are so right. They think
You are so right. They think they are protecting us from the drama. There is a lot of drama in my SO's family. I've had to take myself off all the family group chats because it was constant and the whole bunch of them (MIL, SILs, Skids) are super needy when it comes to getting attention and accolades from the rest of the family. The fact remains that he's completely enmeshed with them but pretends not to be. I flip flop between wanting to be kept out of it, to wanting to know EVERYTHING so I can make an informed decision as to whether to stay or not.
I do not understand the
I do not understand the secrecy either. It seems really weird and immature. You're the only one without the password to his secret club. Well I guess you could tell him that this week trying out the single life is "just a dry run before you go" LOL.
Everything you wrote could've
Everything you wrote could've been written by thousands and thousands of other women in this world. It really is amazing how many of these men do this to us. But like one poster said I truly believe that my DH also keeps things from me because in his mind he's trying to protect me or separate me from his ex and that part of his life. The problem is he just doesn't know the difference between things that I don't need to know about and things I do. Although over the last few years he has gotten better. We had several big fights a few years ago over him not telling me things either not at all or at the last second. He finally gets it that when it comes to my days my plans I need to know things as soon as possible. And honestly he has been much much better at telling me things.
My days, my plans...I will
My days, my plans...I will use that one! I have struggled to communicate why I need to know certain things but not others. If it affects my day and my plans it makes it easier. This trip as an example; I had explained to him that I may not be able to take the full 2 weeks off work but I could most certainly take 1 week. Without discussing anything with me, but without a doubt conferring with MIL and SD (who are in each other's pockets) he decided to take his kids instead and then let me know once everything was locked in. I will never know what was discussed, but the few messages I have seen by accident suggests that meddling MIL was the mastermind behind it all. It has worked out fine for me as well, but it would have been nice to have had those conversations with him rather than be told after the fact. It is a slow but continuous break down in trust and erosion of a close relationship. It feels sneaky.
Absence is supposed to make
Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder not breed contempt. Is your relationship already dead?
We will see! Quite possibly.
We will see! Quite possibly. My SO is a very handsome man and a great protector. DDs feel safer when he's in the house. But is it enough? A week without him will give me an insight into how much I will miss him. We have never been apart for this long before.
No that doesn't sound like
No that doesn't sound like nearly enough. German shepherd dogs are handsome and are great protectors hah.
My husband is a provider and is my friend and we're together a lot. He is attractive but it's his intelligence, practicality, compassion, sense of humor and work ethic I value most. Don't you deserve a real companion that puts you and your marriage first and is your friend and doesn't act like 007 behind your back?