Bedroom
How do I keep 16 yo SS out of our bedroom?
My SO (significant other- I'm new to these abbreviations) has tried to set boundaries but SS doesn't always respect them because SS is very clingy with his dad. And I'm certain SO is tired of hearing me complain.
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Get a keyed lock, I have one
Get a keyed lock, I have one on mine have long before SO came along as when I'd go on vacation I'd lock up good even with house sitters I trusted. I have locked it up when SO was accusing my son of stealing change and then pointed out the door had been locked and me with the only key, so he was just full of it and stirring the pot or taking the change himself and forgetting?
That's my solution lock it up
Yep already got that,
Yep already got that, electronic, locks automatically when I shut the door, which I try to do. But then SO comes in and he likes to leave it open. When I ask him to close it behind him, there's tension between us. Not worried about stealing, fortunately, SS just wants dads attention all the time. It's gotten somewhat better. SO will kick out SS when SS starts hovering too much. But then SS hovers outside and waits for me to leave the bedroom. As soon as I do, SS creeps in to hang on his dad.
He's 16, not a little boy. This is my room just as much as his dads. But SS doesnt treat me that way.
And SO doesn't see a problem as long as I'm dressed, and not in my underwear or something.
Get a gun. Well maybe a
Get a gun.
Well maybe a squirt gun or squirt bottle.
Since your SO is NOT stepping up here you need to take action. This is a 16 year old. A teen old enough to be tried as an adult in a court of law. Go ballistic on him.
There is NO reason for this kid to be in your room. You may not always be dressed. That is creepy and disgusting at the same time. D
Only repercussions if he
Only repercussions if he breaks a rule important to SO, like not folding his clothes then bye bye x box. I could care less about that. I asked SS to tie the bag closed when he takes out the garbage so wet kitchen garbage doesnt get slimed inside the garbage cans. SS ignored me. SO saw no problem. So no repercussions.
SS coming into our bedroom, especially when I'm not there, even if SO is, whats the problem SO would say? It's SO's room too, right. And SS hovers in the doorway which I also don't like.
Look, SS has no friends outside of school hours, he stays home alone just plays x box or computer games. The only social interaction SS has is with his dad. So after school, weekends, SS gets bored and lonely. SO is tired, lies in bed instead of hanging out in family room so SS creeps in to get attention, and of course I don't exist or matter, even in my own bedroom!
The fact that SS has no friends is going to ultimately hurt our relationship I think. And SS and SO were here first, I moved into SO's house, so they don't see this as my home. Even though I pay my share of rent and expenses.
Ha ha, like this. I'm filing
Ha ha, like this. I'm filing your idea away and may need to make SO suffer exactly such financial repercussions. He has trouble seeing my point of view on the bedroom issue but nothing makes more sense to him than losing money. Thanks!
Forget financial withholding.
Forget financial withholding. Withhold SEX! Its creepy that he lets SS hang out in the bed where you & SO have sex. That would kill the mood for me. Some things/places are sacred. The bedroom is definitely one.
I don't know if I'm ready to
I don't know if I'm ready to deliberately withhold sex. SO would say, see, you're just like my borderline ex wives, they would withhold sex to punish and manipulate me. And he's right two of his ex's were really bad. I don't want to turn SO into a victim.
But you're right, his son lurking and finding excuses to get attention from dad in the bedroom is a real turn-off. I need to communicate that to him.
So done with the power struggles with ta 16 yo boy in my own freaking bedroom!
Another good idea. Thanks.
By the way thank you all for
By the way thank you all for your comments. I'm glad just to be able to vent and then read your responses. Really helps.
It really sucks that your SO
It really sucks that your SO doesn't think his kid should respect your space. Everyone needs their own personal place to retreat and your bedroom should be yours. I'm sure you would never barge into your stepson's room or lounge on his bed or hang in his doorway, and it has nothing to do with being in his underwear or not. That's his space and you respect it, he needs to do the same.
The first time my SKs came to our new apartment when DH (BF at the time) and I moved in together, they chased my cat to our room and under the bed. And they just ran right in after him. I nipped that shit right in the bud and told DH that our room was off limits. They could go anywhere else in the apartment, but our room was for adults only. Luckily he understood my need to have a kid free zone. And it's not a SK thing either, even our bio kids don't get get free reign of my bedroom. As a kid I remember my own parents' room being off limits to us kids as well. Adults deserve privacy and their own space. Maybe if you put it to your SO that way, and less like a SK issue, he'll understand. As long as there is plenty of other space in the house, there's just no reason kids should be in an adult's bedroom.
You know, when I told my own
You know, when I told my own mom about this, she suggested I start hanging out in SS' room so he can feel what it's like. I haven't done this yet because his room is gross. I'm sure SS would be creeped out and would feel violated if I did this.
Another thing I've done is hang out in my bedroom in nothing but my underwear, even if it's not bedtime. SO makes sure door stays closed in that instance, and SS certainly stays out. But this isn't a good long term solution.
I think SO would like a kid free zone too. He calls his son Velcro. But SO has trouble being firm and consistent and does not always have a response to SS' manipulation tactics: "but Dad, can't I have a conversation with you?" major guilt trip when dad tries to kick him out.
Thank you.
I'm plan to have the talk
I'm plan to have the talk with SO after this weekend, hopefully. My biggest challenge is that SO will minimize his son's conduct. And make me feel unreasonable. So I need play devil's advocate here. From SO's perspective, SS is generally abiding by the new keep out rule. SS only stands at the doorway When he has a question, or he just briefly comes in to talk with SO and then leaves. banning him completely cuts off all communication with his son.
From my perspective SS has been so clingy, and he has good days and bad days. He's trying to find loopholes and find excuses to interrupt my bedroom adult time. Daad, how long should I heat up this milk in the microwave...Daad, look at this funny joke I found on my phone. And while having his one way conversations with SO about his video games, SO walks away...into bedroom and since they are in the middle of a 'convesation' SS feels entitled to follow dad into bedroom. When dad kicks him out, he says gee dad I'm just trying to have a conversation with you. If it were a non clingy better adjusted kid, I wouldn't mind so much but SS abuses the semi- open door policy and so I must shut the door.
You are right. No I haven't
You are right. No I haven't told him myself and I need to build up the courage to do that. I'm actually afraid of confrontation and so I bottle things up until I get so mad I explode. Not good. I'm kind of introverted but I need to push myself and confront SS directly. I'll let you know how it goes.
And yes, I'm hoping for a longshot hat SS will grow out of his dependence on dad, but he probably won't. SS lived full time with a crappy BM until recently. Now he lives full time with dad at SS' request. I'm considering moving out. It's actually SO's house, so I would move out, which I'm okay with. I like being able to just walk away from the deal. Let SO see how he likes living without a woman. No woman will want to live with his infantile shut-in adult son.
That sounds good. playing
That sounds good. playing this scenario in my mind... Challenge #1: I will have to ask SO to not leave the door open. SO will not like this and might not even agree to it. We'll see. Challenge #2- will have to ask SS to respect our adult time in the bedroom and refrain from knocking on the door for every little thing. Keep interruptions to a minimum and to urgent matters. That's the toughest part. If I don't anticipate and head off every loophole, SS and SO will find ways to push this boundary. And SS will come up with any pretext to interrupt my bedroom time.
After this talk we will have with SS, there will be a lot of yelling through the closed door. Which defeats the purpose of my quiet retreat. I will need to require SS to honor the SPIRIT of this rule. So maybe I should require that SO be asked to talk with SS in another room. That way they're not having all these exclusive conversations and disregarding me in my own bedroom. I think one comment above suggested this already.
When I was a child my mom would shut the door to her bedroom. If we bugged her she told us we needed to learn to entertain ourselves.
Sorry to keep dragging this conversation out. But I feel like I need to have a very specific plan in place or I'll be defeated.
put a lock on the door
put a lock on the door
I have told dh on several
I have told dh on several occassions that if he cannot parent his kids then I will parent them according to how I parent my own kids. I let him know what needs to get done and then if it doesn't get done I step in. I have only stepped in a couple of times with ss16 and both times he threw a huge temper tantrum and broke things and once even threatened to hurt me. I stood my ground and told him to leave. When he settled down later dh and I talked to him about how this behavior toward me was not appropriate and how when asked to do something by any adult, a teacher, dad, stepmom, employer, he needs to listen and not over-react. I agree with what echo said, speak up in your own home and if dh and ss have a problem then they can leave, not you. It's your home, take control. Tell ss that he is now old enough to stay out of your room and that if he wants to talk to his dad he needs to ask his dad to come to his room or the livingroom. Also let your dh know that if ss wants to visit with him he should go to the livingroom or garage or outside, where ever guys usually hang out. My ss16 used to come into our room too when I first met dh b/c dh had let him sleep with him when he had nightmares, back when he was 11 and younger, so it took awhile to break him of that habit but I put my foot down. I was very vocal about it. I told dh if he wanted to hang out and watch tv with ss he had to go out into the livingroom or ss's room. It took about a month for them to change their habits. (I also disconnected the tv in my room for awhile!!!! Be very vocal and when ss walks in yell at him and tell him this is your room, start making it just absolutely TERRIBLE when he walks in the door like he is committing the biggest no no, jump up and yell and say don't come in here anymore and don't stop yelling til he leaves and if he hovers open your door and tell him loudly to go do something constructive like dishes. Make his presence in your room feel uncomfortable by get extremely vocal. I don;t know just suggestions!! This is a toughy.
You and Echo are right. I
You and Echo are right. I need to be more assertive. It's hard for me because I'm not real assertive in my personal life. But I have to try.
There's NO good reason for
There's NO good reason for any kid to be in their parent's bedroom. Period. Dot. That's the only room in the house that should be reserved for you and your husband and you should be able to come and go without fear or worry that you have to LOCK the damn door behind you.
Serious consequences for his actions need to be put in place NOW, by your husband. He needs to tell him "Sorry kid, our bedroom is OURS, you have the rest of the house, stay out or your phone (laptop, video games, car, whatever) will be taken away for a week every time you come into our room uninvited".
What's so hard about that?
SO has recently become a full
SO has recently become a full time dad after many years. SO missed a lot of SS' formative years. Before SS lived with BM most of his life, only summers with dad. SS then asked to live with dad full time.SO doesn't want to be too hard in him. SO's two older daughters don't even speak to him, so SS is only kid he's got left.
Before I moved in, SS had SO all to himself for over a year, two guys, no need to worry as much about boundaries. Not an excuse but that's why I think it's hard for SO to set firm boundaries.
I think your SO needs to
I think your SO needs to spend time with his son OUT of your bedroom. Is he spending an extraordinary amount of time in your bedroom? If so, he needs to spend some time with his son in the family room together, they can talk there. Then when your SO goes to your room perhaps step son won't have to follow and hover because he did spend some time with his dad. this plus your discussion with SS about your privacy might help.
I think your SO needs to
I think your SO needs to spend time with his son OUT of your bedroom.
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^^^THIS! And just read it over and over again. Sounds pretty gross though eh? LOL
Agreed, we can't ban him from
Agreed, we can't ban him from bedroom completely unless SO spends designated one on one time with him outside the bedroom. Right now SS is just following SO from room to room, going on and on about his x box game characters.
He needs to cut the apron
He needs to cut the apron strings! Does he want his kid following him from room to room at age 18 and beyond? Shit, I don't get this at all!
ETA: My DD15 doesn't live with me full time and hasn't for a few years now (her choice, but I get and support why she moved in with her dad). When she comes for spring and summer visits, just because I miss out on her daily life doesn't mean she follows me from room to room having to be up my ass all the time. She'd think that was quite nutso to be honest!
This one is simple. Start
This one is simple. Start leaving things your SO wouldn't want SS to see sitting out in the open in your room randomly. I would start with thing that buzz... I had this same issue. All I had to do was threaten to leave stuff out and it stopped that argument right away. Now, the kids wouldn't even consider coming in. Also, perhaps your SO could spend more time out of the room when he is home.
To Anne B.: Oh my gosh,
To Anne B.: Oh my gosh, that's exactly what I've tried! You read my mind
To keep SS off my bed I'd put underwear and girl stuff on my side of the bed. Anything I think might embarrass him. Haven't done this consistently. I'll keep doing more of this.