Thank you dtzy, i really appreciate the hugs. Last night I wrote out a list of options for handling the day, one of which did include cutting out from the wake early. The trouble is I would feel bad about doing that because I would be leaving DH on his own. Although he comes from a big family he is not the gregarious type and I know he would rather I was there even though he says he wants me to do what's best for me. My parents are looking after my 3 during the service, I think what we will end up doing is that I go and get them afterwards and bring them to the wake. They will cheer us up and provide a bit of distraction.

Well in our case everyone forgets because basically DH never really told them. At the time he was being discrete and didn't want to aggravate the situation with bitching and gossiping, initially he wanted things to be amicable for the sake of the children. If he'd understood the awkwardness and resentment that would ensue for us in terms of his wider family I think maybe he would have done something. The fact she garnered all the loyalty of their children with her victim status, so that to this day they sometimes seem to feel guilty for spending time with him, has been a huge problem. And ought to draw the sympathy and support of his family. Instead she still has the sympathy. Their grown children are all going to stay at BMs house, and she will take them to the funeral. It doesn't seem to occur to any of them that maybe their Dad would really value their presence here in our home at the moment. Sometimes it's very hard to bite my tongue and not send a text pointing that out to them.

There is no hope of his family being tactful. At the last family funeral his brother went off and spent the rest of the evening with BM and some of the relatives who sided with her, in a hotel bar. His other brother has been known to take his teens round to BMs house for a sleepover with their children. It's just a bizarre nightmare. I think you're right that it says something about her desperation that she will throw herself into the funeral rather than staying away, or just showing up briefly to pay her respects. I will be very surprised if she doesn't stay until they turn the lights out and close the doors. She still wants to think of herself as part of the family, because she considers that they should never have divorced and she should not have to give up those relationships. Plus I think she likes feeling that some of them prefer her to me. I wish they all had the sense of your DHs family!

I will try to stay strong. I have had a haircut this morning to raise morale. I boggle at your sobbing on the floor story, unfortunately I fear our BM will not make an ass out of herself, she can be very charming and convincing, whilst being deeply manipulative. Thanks for your support.