Well, as everyone knows, I can't stand stepdevil, but yes I recognize the fact that a TON of what's wrong with her comes directly from the way DH and BM raised her. They put her in the spotlight, in control, on a pedestal. If SD didn't want it, it didn't happen. If SD wanted something, it was given to her. There was no discipline, no rules, no consequences for her actions. She wasn't held accountable for ANYTHING.

Now that she's 14 and knows that how she treats people is wrong, I place blame directly on her. You can't blame your parents for the rest of your life for who you are. You have to take responsibility some day and she KNOWS that what she says and does is hurtful. She chooses to do that because she CAN and she knows she won't be subject to any negative fallout for it.

I blame bm mostly for how ss11 is and has turned out.
Why? Because when bf & bm were married I know of no issues with skid. He was seemingly a good kid. Then bm cheated, they got divorced and now kid is a mini bm to put it bluntly. BF has skid EOWE and 2 hours every Wedn IF he/bm don't have a reason/excuse to cancel. My BF is probably the only real discipline that brat ever got/has. He has a shitty attitude, he is an ingrate, he is spoiled, selfish, and as of recent events in school where he called some other kid a "fag" as well as "laughing" when some other kid made "humping gestures" at a new girl and bm was all "MOTY" when texting bf that skid was all upset and sulking etc over it then come to find out skid apparently doesnt think he did anything wrong and has little/no remorse for his actions/words. According to the Principal when she talked with skid he rolled his eyes at her, was antsy to get back to class, and just plain had a shitty attitude about it all! NICE JOB BM!!!!

SD21
SS16

I put all the blame with our issues on the cp- in this case BM.

Skids had a very rocky relationship into our house. BM could not see past the stories being told and the games.

Why was there need for games:

BM said- I'm your favorite right, you love me more.

BM said- they should treat you and stepsister the same. If they buy for her they should buy for you.
(we had eowe/ one night a week)

BM said - I miss you so much when you are dads house what will I do....then called 3-5 times a day.

BM said - the next time your dad or 12 yr does that you tell me I will put a stop to it.

BM said- the children should decide if they want to come to your house.

BM shared emails with SD when she was in the 9th grade because we were concerned about specific things.

The skids have no relationship anymore with me my DD20, or dd13. They see dd20 once a year dd13 4-5 times a year (around holidays or family functions) . The relationship with dh is strained.

There was no way to counter the messages she provided.

SD21
SS16

I put all the blame with our issues on the cp- in this case BM.

Skids had a very rocky relationship into our house. BM could not see past the stories being told and the games.

Why was there need for games:

BM said- I'm your favorite right, you love me more.

BM said- they should treat you and stepsister the same. If they buy for her they should buy for you.
(we had eowe/ one night a week)

BM said - I miss you so much when you are dads house what will I do....then called 3-5 times a day.

BM said - the next time your dad or 12 yr does that you tell me I will put a stop to it.

BM said- the children should decide if they want to come to your house.

BM shared emails with SD when she was in the 9th grade because we were concerned about specific things.

The skids have no relationship anymore with me my DD20, or dd13. They see dd20 once a year dd13 4-5 times a year (around holidays or family functions) . The relationship with dh is strained.

There was no way to counter the messages she provided.

I am not the sort of person who hates or holds grudges, but when it comes to NPD BM I am willing to make an exception. She is detestable and I have no respect for her lies, manipulations etc etc etc. I blame her for the fact that I was not been able to make any sort of relationship with her daughters when they were younger.

I also blame my husband for not setting firmer boundaries with her, early on (he has now) and with his daughters, to this day.
As someone said, at this age (16, 18) the SDs are old enough to know they are being little shits.

BM AND DH.

Two words: Personal responsibility!

I'm with LadyFace and hypovic in their words that it is counterproductive to figure out where to place the "blame". What ever outside influences a person may have, it's on each individual person to act, say, behave how they do.

What's with all the questions on ST lately?

DH is not a perfect spouse and I am sure he contributed to plenty of problems between him and BM. But he is a wonderful father and a better parent than BM was. Too bad she had full physical custody.

However, any issues that we had in step-life were 10000000% to do with BM and her need to screw with us even if it financially hurt HER. There was one small episode where we realized that SD was trying to play one household off another (I think BM may have told her that BM wasn't allowed to speak to her dad) but we nipped that in the bud quickly.

Honestly, a lot of it goes to MIL.

MIL told DH that the only way to "do right" by his future son was to marry BM. And while BM may be a wackadoodle crazy bitch who whined and bitched about wanting to get married so it wouldn't look bad when she popped out a kid, DH never would have gone through with it if his mother hadn't done the Catholic mom thing.

Now DH knows better, but jeez. What a way to learn that you can't trust the judgement of your own mother right?