Hello! I have three stepdaughters, I have many problems with them. I'm happy I finally found this board - now I can vent in blogs - which I think is a great idea that can help with dealing with problesm, and I can discuss and get advice from people who are in a similar situation and understand me.

My husband was married to the girls' mother, they divorced about a year after the youngest was born. I was not in the picture then, so I have nothing to do with their divorce. They divorced because BM went after her career, money and success, and stopped paying attention to DH completely. She was never loving or warm, but as her career got better, she completely gave up on their relationship. She'd barely talk to him. It ended in a divorce. The SD that remembers their marriage vaguely (5 years old when they divorced) says that the divorce was a pretty good solution. Yet,she believes that my husband shouldn't have married me. They all do.

My step daughters are 16, 14 and 12.
They are supposed to be 50% with Father and 50% with Mother, yet they are allowed to switch it as they wish and go to any home they please. Their parents think this is alright because both places should be home - and if you can't go there at any time,it isn't home. When this was discussed with a judge, he said "whatever works for you". In our country, there's this lovely system - no one gives a fuck, do as you please, get away with it.
So even if one of the sides did NOT agree to the way it was.. Nothing would happen. Especially considering the fact the girls are all older than 12 and their opinion would be valued in the court.
DH and BM have been to court two times I think - and it was because they had to. They had no problems in creating a '' schedule '' - which is basically no schedule at all.
They just notify eachother with a text or call when the girls want to go to the other parent or to be taken somewhere.

Now, at BM's house, there is ONE rule. Have good grades and set good foundations for your carees. Which, in BM's world, means learn to manipulate, pretend, play and sweettalk yourself through shit.
Which worked great for her and it seems to work great for the SDs.
I don't really care about that, except when they use it in our home. That's when I hate it, but it's already been done.
BM allows them to stay out as long as they wish, do whatever they want to, speak in any way they want to, and eat whatever they want to. Their behaviour is terrible.

DH isn't really doing anything to stop it. Somehow, in the region we live in, it has become normal to have such messed up kids. They really do blend in with a LOT of children here - yet I do not think that it is a good reason to let them be like that.
He is also pleased with their good grades and non-obligatory achievements in school. I admit they're great at it - but there's more that you should expect from your children than good grades.

When at our home, they also don't have any rules. When DH sometimes tries to put down some rules - they ask ''why?''. And he doesn't really know why, since he's not bothered by their behaviour, I am. He doesn't see what's wrong about it. When they ask him, he can't tell them so he agrees with them and lets them do as they wish.

He says most children are like that. Well, sure, a lot of them are. Most kids we see are kind of on their own. Parents work a lot, they manage their own lives, etc. And they're pretty terrible with behaviour.
I don't see why should anyone let their child be like that if they have the time and resources to make them good children.

When they are at our home - they run it. There is no "alpha male and female" here, and if there was, it wouldn't be me.
They do as they wish, as the home was just theirs. DH says it is theirs too and I shouldn't expect them to behave like guests or treat them as such.
They go into the kitchen, do whatever they want with the supplies and dishes, change the order of things, put things in different places, saying that it's "better", "easier to find", or just "well why not".
Saying "because I said so" or "because I want it there" does not work for them.

I do not cook or clean for them - which then leads to this. They do as they wish. When doing the laundry, they mess up everything, and nothing goes back to the same place it was in.

I say to DH, "they shouldn't use it if they won't put it back where it was", he says "well it's still there, just a few centimeters away... what's your problem?".

There are many more problems with them, I just can't put it all here at once. So this is the base of the story - do you guys have any advice?
I really want this to get better. Though, to be honest, I don't know what can be done with these girls. During the school year, SD16 messed up her Geography grade. She said she couldn't be bothered with studying.
Her mother took everything from her, grounded her, yet she went like that for a good few months. She did not get better to stop the punishment.

They do what they want to do, they don't accept any authority unless it's their manipulation plan to get someone to do something they want to.
There isn't much respect in them for almost anyone,and it's really hard to deal with them.

They speak to most people in the same manner - as they're equals, because they see themselves as equal to anyone regardless of age.
The only difference they see is when someone is really in a position of power, unless it is so, they think they're equal. So, in their eyes, they're equal to me. Even if my DH or I tell them it's not so, they will not accept it. What they believe is the truth and no kind of talk or even punishment changes that.

I'm tired of them, and of this kind of life. But I adore my husband and I'm going to stay with him.. So I have to make this work.