What concerns me the most is the various remarks from the teachers:
Disruptive in class
Often comes to class unprepared
Too many assignments handed in late or not at all
Could do a LOT better
“Well, at least he is passing” DW says.
I was so freaking livid. My heart was racing and I did not want to go off on my DW. Thank goodness SS is not with us at the moment (he’s at his father’s) because I don’t think I can stomach his presence.
I honestly was expecting SS to do well this last semester. I mean, he was doing all his homework, studying and came home with a bunch of tests that he actually scored very high in.
After I managed to compose myself, I told DW that we definitely need to talk about this. I did not want to say anything right that moment because I am positive DW wasn’t going to like what I had to say. This was a week ago, and things have simmered down. DW is still scared to broach me on the subject but she knows that this weekend, I want to sit down and discuss this
I have taken the opportunity to jot down the points I want to make here.
A) I know SS has some difficulty, but I would say that not understanding the subject matter is 10% of his problem. 90% of his problem is that he has no discipline. There’s a time to play and a time to work. SS lives his life as if it is “play time”. ALL. THE. TIME. Yeah, sure, he passed, but what about the next year?
We warned SS. We’ve already punished him for poor school grades and told him there would be dire consequences if we find out he is fooling around in class. So this report card is not only a disappointment but it feels like it is a slap in the face. So the question I am asking myself is; is this deliberate? Does he truly believe he can get away with this? Or is this his way of saying "f*ck you Mom and Draco!"?
C) DW is a high school drop-out herself. She went back eventually and got her diploma. High school was quite of struggle for her (I won’t get into it but it was horrible). Every time DW talks to SS about the importance of school, she is quick to project her own high school experiences and next thing you know, she is talking about what life was like for her. I have told DW repeatedly that her story, albeit a very poignant one, DOESN’T register with SS. In his mind, DW’s hard-luck story is simply a fairy tale that has no meaning or relevance to him.
D) DW never once grounded SS. The one time SS was grounded was at my insistence and this punishment was mild compared to the one I wanted to enforce originally. See, when I was in high school, I excelled largely because I feared the repercussions of my Dad. It was only in my final years of high school (and onwards) did I truly study and work because I wanted to, not because I feared my Dad’s punishment. It may not have been the ideal or the best way to push me, but it worked…I think it is time to lay a heavy hand on SS and put a little fear in him, but at the same time, I don’t want to give myself an ulcer and be the only one enforcing rules and discipline in our house.
E) I have helped SS out A LOT in the past semester. I’ve taken him to the library, explained certain concepts and theories to him in a way that he would understand. When it came to helping out SS with school projects, there is nothing I wouldn’t do (except actually doing it for him). I do it this because I truly believe in the importance of education. However, I really don’t see the point in helping out anyone who will only put in a minimal amount of effort. Maybe it is time I be selfish? Should I tell DW, “Yeah, sure I’ll help out SS, but what is in it for me?”. I dunno. I am really wrestling with this one.
You're absolutely right! And this is precisely one of the things I want to talk to DW about. SS needs discipline and consistency. DW will be the first to agree with me on this. She's been very agreeable before and I always leave our conversations feeling like "things are finally going to change!". But when it comes to actual execution of the plans we have layed out, that is when I find I am the one being the enforcer.
And when I come to vent about it here, I am accused of being "controlling"
I have the same problem. All talk no action. I am tired of talking. My ss should have failed this year, he failed every subject but they passed him on anyway. I give up. I can't handle the stress anymore.
"he failed every subject but they passed him on anyway."
Same thing here. AND on top of that, the BM goes down to the school administrators and convinces them to let her oldest two participate in all sports, dances, etc. despite their grades. Lovely!
Awesome. I am not getting involved this year. Last year the teacher gave me play by plays via text b/c he was so bad. I am just going to say "call his father" for everything. I am not going to be the one pulling out my hair over HW or anything else. Then maybe he really will fail and DH will step up.
Honestly? I think you should back way, way off from SS. It seems you have a pretty decent relationship, so I won't suggest full-out disengagement, but, really, what is your effort netting? SS *isn't* doing better in school, DW summed up her attitude towards it pretty succinctly, and you're upset. So . . . who's gaining here?
Let me tell you a story. In high school, I worked with a girl one grade younger than me. She was drinking, drugging, and otherwise a complete mess. Her parents kicked her out. She went and stayed with a friend whose parents also kicked her out. She then joined the Air Force who kicked her out for drug use. She came back and somehow convinced the manager to let her sleep in the store at night. She then got fired for drug use.
Through the entire time I was there with her, I *tried* to talk sense into her all the time. You know what her go-to response was? "I'm the kind of person that has to hit rock bottom before I'll change, and I'm not there yet." And that's just how some people are.
So maybe, let ss fail a grade or two. When he realizes how ridiculous he looks compared to all his class mates, or after he's had to go to school for a few summers in a row, maybe he'll pull his head out. And if not, what can you do? Obviously, what you are doing now isn't helping.
I am leaning that way dollface. It doesn't help me from feeling some pangs of guilt. I've lost some sleep over this and I woke up this morning thinking "If I am losing sleep now? How will I EVER get any sleep next year, or the year after?"
I don't want SS to fail. I made a promise to myself that I would do everything in my power to not let that happen and push SS to excel but I see now that this promise I made is only stressing me out.
Disengaging from SS's academic endeavors trully feels like I am cutting off one of my limbs to save the rest of my body...
The last state assement he had was "average" I would say. SS should be getting C's minimum but all we saw this year from SS are D's and F's.
I do not know much about Donkeykong's educational background. I think he passed HS, tried college but dropped out. Do you think this has any bearing?
I've spoken with DW's teachers several times and they all say the same thing "SS is a bright kid but he just doesn't apply himself. He is more concerned with socializing and horsing around with his friends".
Wow, 7th and 8th grade are High School? It's Jr High were we live.
Have you looked in to tutors? SS struggled a lot for a few years, we got him a tutor and he improved 100%.
I don't know that I would get involved in this at all if I were you though... his mom and dad don't seem to care, so I'm afraid your input will only been construed as you being an asshole.
Yes it is junior high. But junior high and the HS are one in the same. However they keep the junior high school students semi-segregated from the rest of the HS population in order to help integrate the newer/younger students.
"Consider"? I *KNOW* college is not an option for SS! (But I can't tell DW that because she'll start bawling and say that I am being "negative"
QUOTE: >Drac0, I think you are driving yourself crazy with worry about this skid, does it take away from your relationship with your bios? <
I hear what you are saying and that is a concern I have too. I am in my 40's. By the time my bios will be in high school I will be in my 50's and will quite likely have less energy than I have now. So While I don't *think* I am expending all my energy on SS at the expense of my bios needs for my attention, it does worry me somewhat.
In NYS they will take kids in community college to GET their GED. Nothing like PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE for non-accredited courses for remedial grade and high school. The community colleges LOVE that cash cow! Their fav people are parents who are BFF to their children, never made them do any homework/classwork and failed their way up the ladder to entitlement.
Guilty Daddy fools himself into thinking that his kids aren't "college material" and so he won't be paying for them until they are 26. HA! Boy won't HE be surprised!
Fear not. DW, donkeykong et al relatives will "gin" him up for it then he'll fail the first semester, prompting him to "switch majors" like a revolving door. Seen it MANY times before with these coddled free ranged underachievers.
Draco, I've no idea how you deal with your situation. You're living the reverse of many of us...your DW is the Disney mommy and you're the evil stepdad for wanting the kid to grow into a productive human being.
OMG I could have written this post!! Guilty Daddy will look at a 37 average for oldest SS and stb 15 SD and say "well at least they are passing gym" or something ludicrous like that!
Of course in my case both parents don't give a rat's arse about their children's scholastic achievements. The BM only cares that her kids are "popular" (really they are not; their friends are the same underachieving weirdo types). The Guilty Daddy only cares that they are "life takers and heart breakers" aka rough, tough and "players."
One time Guilty Daddy made fun of MY now grown, productive bioson who is in the Air Force because he was in chess club and cross country in school!! While his limp wristed, empty headed, lazy biological extrusions were faking their way through football (phoning it in)
Sorry but my bios received mostly As and some Bs. Maintaining an average in the 90s all the way through grade and high school.
I might add that SD's grades never came in. Just a note that both she and her older bro have to go to summer school and that SD didn't return all her school materials at the end of the year so she won't be getting her pathetic report card. I can see how shameful they are online. UNreal!
QUOTE: >One time Guilty Daddy made fun of MY now grown, productive bioson who is in the Air Force because he was in chess club and cross country in school!! <
Sounds like Guilty Daddy is jealous of your bioson.
I have an engineering degree. People make fun of me all the time; saying I am a "geek". I don't deny it. I am a geek. My friends even call me the "Alpha Geek" (cuz I am too loopy to be called an "alpha male". ALL of them wish they have my degree. My degree not only proves that I am smart and educated but I have absolutely no fear of hard work.
At his age it's time you start introducing him to the reality of financing daily living when one is making very little money.
He's most likely gotten most of what he has wanted and always what he has needed. Young children should not worry about where the money for groceries and rent is going to come from.
But especially at high school age kids need to really learn what things cost. Look at what a minimum wage job will provide. Take him to some neighborhoods to see places where he really doesn't want to live.
Ask him what he would do if he had x dollars to live on. Show him what phones, utilities, etc cost. I don't mean to show him your bills but let him try to comprehend what his life will be like if he is very poor.
And convince him that the decisions he makes will total be what determines his lifestyle.
Draco - DH's kid is super smart but LAZY. I stopped getting involved years ago because all it did was make my blood boil. She pissed away her potential. She probably could have qualified for several scholarships to her pick of universities. Because of her laziness, she is regulated to a community college for the first two years. Who do I blame? DH and Uberskank? Why? DH is a procrastinator and Uberskank is a lazy whore.
My advice to you is to not disengage, but take a giant step away from your SS. I know you're trying to be a similar influence on him, that your father or grandfather (who was a stepparent as well) was to you. However you're fighting against genetics here, which is a losing battle. Not slamming on your DW but she's in denial and happy with good enough....Donkeykong is a nitwit.
You were fortunate to be raised in a more structured home, which allowed for that positive influence and driving force. Your SS was raised by a coddling parent, and you've been fighting this pillowy method of child rearing for years.
Save yourself money on blood pressure meds, concentrate on your bios and your DW and let what happens to your SS happen. At this point, it's out of your control and you're just going to drive yourself nuts.
I don't think DW is happy with "Good enough". I think DW is simply deluding herself into thinking that Sweet pillow talk to her munchkin is going to solve the problem. Oh she will yell at him. But then, after SS has spouted his buckets of tears, she'll lie down with him at night, stroke his hair and sweet talk him - telling him everything is gonna be alright if he only just "pushes himself" (oh...and "I wuv you! You mean everything to me!"). It sickens me because in my mind, punishment is punishment. When the judge throws your ass in jail, the judge doesn't sit there in the cell with you stroking your hair trying to make you feel better!
SS is going to cry. It is going to hurt DW to see SS cry and she is going to end up crying as well. I have ZERO sympathy...(Well I have some, but I am 100 times better than DW at not letting my emotions show). I don't let buckets of SS's tears sway me like it does DW.
Your wife telling him she did bad at school and dropped out was probably not a good idea. Just like if she had theoretically done drugs and gotten pregnant in high school or cheated on all her tests or gone to prison - not something to tell him.
The reason being kids won't hear the part of "and don't do as I do, only do as I say". Being at the same level as their parents doesn't bother them even if it is a level that would shame or embarass others. Why do you think so many HS drop outs have kids that are also? Why do so many college graduates have kids that are also? I've seen kids be meaner to their siblings after overhearing stories about the mean things their parents did to theirs, etc. My opinion? Don't talk about that stuff to kids unless you want them to mimic the behavior.
I think you know he is capable of more and the reason he isn't doing more is because the more he's pushed the more he'll dig his heels in. He is failing on purpose. You know it, your wife knows it, and the teachers know it. What worked on you may not work on SS. This is why it's often times better to raise your own flesh and blood because genetics does change temperments and the way you were raised would stand a good chance of being successful on your own child. Maybe your DW remembers some tactics that worked on her. That would be more relevant than what helped you.
Yeah, your wife's stories are not helping all he sees is that mom dropped out and did bad at school and look at the nice life she has. No need to work hard in school because look how well mom did.
He's not going to see that its because of her hard work later....or because of your earning potential that he loves the life he does. He's just sees that failing g is OK because mom did, and it will all work out in the end.
Mom has taught him that not doing well in school won't be a problem if you marry well. All he has to do is follow mom's example and he'll be just fine.
Parents should keep some of their childhood stories to themselves until their kids are adults.
This statement pretty much sums it up: I wanted to, not because I feared my Dad’s punishment.
You are not his Dad you are a parental figure and not only that Draco but not everyone is a student. It is great that you think SS is "capable" of doing better but maybe school is not his thing.
It certainly wasnt mine but I have not an issue being the bread winner in my family.
I honestly think again and Ive said this before you need to lower your expectation and drop back and let your DW handle HER son. And although this statement may get my comment deleted you are farrrrr to hard on this boy. If hard is the only thing you are to him then he will view you as the villan and before you know it he will escape you anyway he can, drugs, change in custody, or possible physical harm to himself.
If all you ever do is make him feel bad what makes him want to feel good?
I know this is one side and only what you post but is there anything ever positive between you and this kid.
Why would I delete this? Your words are civil and you are being honest and are not harrassing me!
I don't know where the message that I am hard on him got through but it is a bit muddled. I WANT to be hard on SS put DW routinely pulls the reigns. Don't know if that makes any sense but that is what it is like.
The positives between me and SS happen when we are one-on-one. Usually when we are on a "task" and not playing. Like if we are shopping together, or cooking together or if we are looking at a math problem together. These are the times where the dynamic between us is great. Lots of positive things to say there.
The situation in my home now can be summarized with the "Sink or Swim" analogy I used yesterday in my discussion with Warmbody. Imagine me teaching SS how to swim. SS struggles at first, but I push him, encourage him and not only does he do it, but he does it very well. I commend him. I then throw him into the rough chilly choppy waters of the Atlantic. He stays afloat. I pull him out and tell him he has mastered swimming. He is a champ and I am so proud of him. "See? I knew you had it in you!". SS is all smiles and he is beaming with pride. Then, the next week we all go to a kiddy pool. SS whines to his mother about swimming and begs to have those floaty wings placed on him. He steps into the water up to his ankles and starts crying that the water is too cold. He rushes to his mother who embraces him in a beach towel, sits him on her lap and starts rocking him whispering smooth nothings in his ear....
I suppose my question now would be, if you have taught him to swim and he has proven he can do it, yet reverts back and is babied by mommy when she takes him swimming, why waste your time teaching him anything else? Your efforts are futile at this point. I think that is where everyone is telling you that it is time to take a back seat and allow DW to be the one that "parents" him. Sure keep him out of harms way, blah blah blah... but beyond that, is wasted efforts and obviously very frustrating for you. DW will do it "her" way and SS will soon be the mediocre (at best) young adult that she is prepping him to be, and that is when YOU have the right to say "ok, go get yourself a job, it's time to move out of my house".
And...by the way... I don't think any of this is 100% your SS's fault. DW is just as much to blame, if not MORE considering she is the adult. Kids are going to push the limits with their parents. This kid is far from stupid. He knows where moms limits are!!
Kid is certainly at fault too.. He may not be book smart, but he is manipulative smart no doubt!
I asked earlier also had they considered a tutor. **crickets**... let see if you get an answer about a counselor, which I also think is a valid question and a good suggestion if its not been done.
Stepdown, I am going to try and answer all your questions here:
SS just completed grade 7 (by the skin of his teeth) and is going into grade 8 in the fall. Several years ago, we had SS tested and he has ADHD (inattentive type). This is the lowest form (by my understanding) of the condition. We have looked into taking medication but upon advice of our pediatrician and SS’s child psychologist, we have decided to try and use structure, discipline and the school’s IEP program[*]. At first things seem to work but SS is slowly de-evolving academically. Plus the IEP program will be phased out next year so meds may be an option to reconsider.
We have spoken to SS’s teachers on numerous occasions. As I stated before, they all say the same thing about him “bright kid, but doesn’t apply himself”.
As far as comprehension and reading, SS can accomplish these tasks provided that he is engaged. In order to help him, I went to the library and took all the books they had on the subject. Typically, kids with ADHD suffer from a two-pronged attack that inhibits their ability to learn at the same pace as othersg. Subjects that bore them become a challenge because they are easily distracted. This means it takes them longer to accomplish some assigned tasks, and should this frustrate them, it only makes them even more prone to distraction.
I spoke to a good friend of mine who also happens to be a teacher. I told him everything I wrote down here and he said that the sad reality for a lot of these children of divorce is that the teachers end up knowing the kid better than the parents because the teachers spend more time with them. Parents are quick to blame each other or something else rather than focus on the actual problem. So I took it upon myself to keep a close eye on SS and keep tabs on his school work.
When it comes to art, writing (anything right-brain oriented) SS shows a lot of ingenuity and creativity. Math and science he struggles with, but once he grasps the concepts he flies through them. Based on the last state run tests he took, SS shows that he is capable of a “C” average. So really, there should be no excuse for D’s and F’s.
I strongly believe, that based on what the teacher’s wrote in his report card, that the big problem with SS is that he is more concerned with horsing around and socializing with his buddies in class than actually working.
DW and I briefly talked about getting a tutor, but this costs money. Money isn’t really an issue, but after everything I have done, I will not spend another single dime on SS if he is only going to do the bare minimum of work and horse around and if DW doesn’t act upon the plan of action we both agreed upon. Typically DW and I would talk about plans for discipline and structure, but these plans are like beads of water splashed on a frying pan. The plans dissolve more quickly than it takes to formulate them. So yes, DW is another portion of the problem. I am not laying 100% of the blame on SS here.
* IEP = Individualized Education Program. This is really just an extra “crutch” to give SS a bit of a chance. All the IEP does is just give SS a bit of extra time on tests and quizzes. Teachers are to ask him if he has everything he has before class to give him a chance to fetch what he needs from his locker before school starts. He also has a daily log which SS is expected to get the teacher to sign every day.
Yep. In my case the BM HAS no limits. She herself plagiarized her way through college and HER mommykins bailed her out on it. She ended up getting a peach job as a Child Protective worker after years of being a stay-in-bed mom.
The road apple doesn't fall far from the horse's patoot.
Bulletproof: The military is now VERY selective and won't take just any old juvenile delinquent off the streets anymore. Mainly because today's kids are 85% juvenile delinquents (due to extreme lack of parenting)
Comments
Nothing above a 65%. What
Nothing above a 65%.
What concerns me the most is the various remarks from the teachers:
Disruptive in class
Often comes to class unprepared
Too many assignments handed in late or not at all
Could do a LOT better
“Well, at least he is passing” DW says.
I was so freaking livid. My heart was racing and I did not want to go off on my DW. Thank goodness SS is not with us at the moment (he’s at his father’s) because I don’t think I can stomach his presence.
I honestly was expecting SS to do well this last semester. I mean, he was doing all his homework, studying and came home with a bunch of tests that he actually scored very high in.
After I managed to compose myself, I told DW that we definitely need to talk about this. I did not want to say anything right that moment because I am positive DW wasn’t going to like what I had to say. This was a week ago, and things have simmered down. DW is still scared to broach me on the subject but she knows that this weekend, I want to sit down and discuss this
I have taken the opportunity to jot down the points I want to make here.
A) I know SS has some difficulty, but I would say that not understanding the subject matter is 10% of his problem. 90% of his problem is that he has no discipline. There’s a time to play and a time to work. SS lives his life as if it is “play time”. ALL. THE. TIME. Yeah, sure, he passed, but what about the next year?
C) DW is a high school drop-out herself. She went back eventually and got her diploma. High school was quite of struggle for her (I won’t get into it but it was horrible). Every time DW talks to SS about the importance of school, she is quick to project her own high school experiences and next thing you know, she is talking about what life was like for her. I have told DW repeatedly that her story, albeit a very poignant one, DOESN’T register with SS. In his mind, DW’s hard-luck story is simply a fairy tale that has no meaning or relevance to him.
D) DW never once grounded SS. The one time SS was grounded was at my insistence and this punishment was mild compared to the one I wanted to enforce originally. See, when I was in high school, I excelled largely because I feared the repercussions of my Dad. It was only in my final years of high school (and onwards) did I truly study and work because I wanted to, not because I feared my Dad’s punishment. It may not have been the ideal or the best way to push me, but it worked…I think it is time to lay a heavy hand on SS and put a little fear in him, but at the same time, I don’t want to give myself an ulcer and be the only one enforcing rules and discipline in our house.
E) I have helped SS out A LOT in the past semester. I’ve taken him to the library, explained certain concepts and theories to him in a way that he would understand. When it came to helping out SS with school projects, there is nothing I wouldn’t do (except actually doing it for him). I do it this because I truly believe in the importance of education. However, I really don’t see the point in helping out anyone who will only put in a minimal amount of effort. Maybe it is time I be selfish? Should I tell DW, “Yeah, sure I’ll help out SS, but what is in it for me?”. I dunno. I am really wrestling with this one.
You're absolutely right! And
You're absolutely right! And this is precisely one of the things I want to talk to DW about. SS needs discipline and consistency. DW will be the first to agree with me on this. She's been very agreeable before and I always leave our conversations feeling like "things are finally going to change!". But when it comes to actual execution of the plans we have layed out, that is when I find I am the one being the enforcer.
And when I come to vent about it here, I am accused of being "controlling"
^^ I have the same problem.
"he failed every subject but
"he failed every subject but they passed him on anyway."
Same thing here. AND on top of that, the BM goes down to the school administrators and convinces them to let her oldest two participate in all sports, dances, etc. despite their grades. Lovely!
Awesome. I am not getting
Awesome. I am not getting involved this year. Last year the teacher gave me play by plays via text b/c he was so bad. I am just going to say "call his father" for everything. I am not going to be the one pulling out my hair over HW or anything else. Then maybe he really will fail and DH will step up.
Honestly? I think you should
Honestly? I think you should back way, way off from SS. It seems you have a pretty decent relationship, so I won't suggest full-out disengagement, but, really, what is your effort netting? SS *isn't* doing better in school, DW summed up her attitude towards it pretty succinctly, and you're upset. So . . . who's gaining here?
Let me tell you a story. In high school, I worked with a girl one grade younger than me. She was drinking, drugging, and otherwise a complete mess. Her parents kicked her out. She went and stayed with a friend whose parents also kicked her out. She then joined the Air Force who kicked her out for drug use. She came back and somehow convinced the manager to let her sleep in the store at night. She then got fired for drug use.
Through the entire time I was there with her, I *tried* to talk sense into her all the time. You know what her go-to response was? "I'm the kind of person that has to hit rock bottom before I'll change, and I'm not there yet." And that's just how some people are.
So maybe, let ss fail a grade or two. When he realizes how ridiculous he looks compared to all his class mates, or after he's had to go to school for a few summers in a row, maybe he'll pull his head out. And if not, what can you do? Obviously, what you are doing now isn't helping.
I am leaning that way
I am leaning that way dollface. It doesn't help me from feeling some pangs of guilt. I've lost some sleep over this and I woke up this morning thinking "If I am losing sleep now? How will I EVER get any sleep next year, or the year after?"
I don't want SS to fail. I made a promise to myself that I would do everything in my power to not let that happen and push SS to excel but I see now that this promise I made is only stressing me out.
Disengaging from SS's academic endeavors trully feels like I am cutting off one of my limbs to save the rest of my body...
The last state assement he
The last state assement he had was "average" I would say. SS should be getting C's minimum but all we saw this year from SS are D's and F's.
I do not know much about Donkeykong's educational background. I think he passed HS, tried college but dropped out. Do you think this has any bearing?
I've spoken with DW's teachers several times and they all say the same thing "SS is a bright kid but he just doesn't apply himself. He is more concerned with socializing and horsing around with his friends".
SS is already in high school.
SS is already in high school. He's in Grade 7. He goes into grade 8 next year
Wow, 7th and 8th grade are
Wow, 7th and 8th grade are High School? It's Jr High were we live.
Have you looked in to tutors? SS struggled a lot for a few years, we got him a tutor and he improved 100%.
I don't know that I would get involved in this at all if I were you though... his mom and dad don't seem to care, so I'm afraid your input will only been construed as you being an asshole.
Sorry I didn't specify. Yes
Sorry I didn't specify.
Yes it is junior high. But junior high and the HS are one in the same. However they keep the junior high school students semi-segregated from the rest of the HS population in order to help integrate the newer/younger students.
If she won't parent him, why
If she won't parent him, why should you? Just make it clear that he is not living there after 18 when he can't get into college....
Problem with community
Problem with community college is they generally live at home....
"Consider"? I *KNOW* college
"Consider"? I *KNOW* college is not an option for SS! (But I can't tell DW that because she'll start bawling and say that I am being "negative"
QUOTE: >Drac0, I think you are driving yourself crazy with worry about this skid, does it take away from your relationship with your bios? <
I hear what you are saying and that is a concern I have too. I am in my 40's. By the time my bios will be in high school I will be in my 50's and will quite likely have less energy than I have now. So While I don't *think* I am expending all my energy on SS at the expense of my bios needs for my attention, it does worry me somewhat.
In NYS they will take kids in
In NYS they will take kids in community college to GET their GED. Nothing like PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE for non-accredited courses for remedial grade and high school. The community colleges LOVE that cash cow! Their fav people are parents who are BFF to their children, never made them do any homework/classwork and failed their way up the ladder to entitlement.
Guilty Daddy fools himself into thinking that his kids aren't "college material" and so he won't be paying for them until they are 26. HA! Boy won't HE be surprised!
Provided that SS actually has
Provided that SS actually has the motivation, then yes, those are options.
Fear not. DW, donkeykong et
Fear not. DW, donkeykong et al relatives will "gin" him up for it then he'll fail the first semester, prompting him to "switch majors" like a revolving door. Seen it MANY times before with these coddled free ranged underachievers.
Draco, I've no idea how you
Draco, I've no idea how you deal with your situation. You're living the reverse of many of us...your DW is the Disney mommy and you're the evil stepdad for wanting the kid to grow into a productive human being.
OMG I could have written this
OMG I could have written this post!! Guilty Daddy will look at a 37 average for oldest SS and stb 15 SD and say "well at least they are passing gym" or something ludicrous like that!
Of course in my case both parents don't give a rat's arse about their children's scholastic achievements. The BM only cares that her kids are "popular" (really they are not; their friends are the same underachieving weirdo types). The Guilty Daddy only cares that they are "life takers and heart breakers" aka rough, tough and "players."
One time Guilty Daddy made fun of MY now grown, productive bioson who is in the Air Force because he was in chess club and cross country in school!! While his limp wristed, empty headed, lazy biological extrusions were faking their way through football (phoning it in)
Sorry but my bios received mostly As and some Bs. Maintaining an average in the 90s all the way through grade and high school.
I might add that SD's grades never came in. Just a note that both she and her older bro have to go to summer school and that SD didn't return all her school materials at the end of the year so she won't be getting her pathetic report card. I can see how shameful they are online. UNreal!
QUOTE: >One time Guilty Daddy
QUOTE: >One time Guilty Daddy made fun of MY now grown, productive bioson who is in the Air Force because he was in chess club and cross country in school!! <
Sounds like Guilty Daddy is jealous of your bioson.
I have an engineering degree. People make fun of me all the time; saying I am a "geek". I don't deny it. I am a geek. My friends even call me the "Alpha Geek" (cuz I am too loopy to be called an "alpha male". ALL of them wish they have my degree. My degree not only proves that I am smart and educated but I have absolutely no fear of hard work.
At his age it's time you
At his age it's time you start introducing him to the reality of financing daily living when one is making very little money.
He's most likely gotten most of what he has wanted and always what he has needed. Young children should not worry about where the money for groceries and rent is going to come from.
But especially at high school age kids need to really learn what things cost. Look at what a minimum wage job will provide. Take him to some neighborhoods to see places where he really doesn't want to live.
Ask him what he would do if he had x dollars to live on. Show him what phones, utilities, etc cost. I don't mean to show him your bills but let him try to comprehend what his life will be like if he is very poor.
And convince him that the decisions he makes will total be what determines his lifestyle.
I kind of like these
I kind of like these ideas....Sort of like a real life milder version of "Beyond Scared Straight"
Draco - DH's kid is super
Draco - DH's kid is super smart but LAZY. I stopped getting involved years ago because all it did was make my blood boil. She pissed away her potential. She probably could have qualified for several scholarships to her pick of universities. Because of her laziness, she is regulated to a community college for the first two years. Who do I blame? DH and Uberskank? Why? DH is a procrastinator and Uberskank is a lazy whore.
My advice to you is to not disengage, but take a giant step away from your SS. I know you're trying to be a similar influence on him, that your father or grandfather (who was a stepparent as well) was to you. However you're fighting against genetics here, which is a losing battle. Not slamming on your DW but she's in denial and happy with good enough....Donkeykong is a nitwit.
You were fortunate to be raised in a more structured home, which allowed for that positive influence and driving force. Your SS was raised by a coddling parent, and you've been fighting this pillowy method of child rearing for years.
Save yourself money on blood pressure meds, concentrate on your bios and your DW and let what happens to your SS happen. At this point, it's out of your control and you're just going to drive yourself nuts.
Thanks Shaman, I don't think
Thanks Shaman,
I don't think DW is happy with "Good enough". I think DW is simply deluding herself into thinking that Sweet pillow talk to her munchkin is going to solve the problem. Oh she will yell at him. But then, after SS has spouted his buckets of tears, she'll lie down with him at night, stroke his hair and sweet talk him - telling him everything is gonna be alright if he only just "pushes himself" (oh...and "I wuv you! You mean everything to me!"). It sickens me because in my mind, punishment is punishment. When the judge throws your ass in jail, the judge doesn't sit there in the cell with you stroking your hair trying to make you feel better!
SS is going to cry. It is going to hurt DW to see SS cry and she is going to end up crying as well. I have ZERO sympathy...(Well I have some, but I am 100 times better than DW at not letting my emotions show). I don't let buckets of SS's tears sway me like it does DW.
Your wife telling him she did
Your wife telling him she did bad at school and dropped out was probably not a good idea. Just like if she had theoretically done drugs and gotten pregnant in high school or cheated on all her tests or gone to prison - not something to tell him.
The reason being kids won't hear the part of "and don't do as I do, only do as I say". Being at the same level as their parents doesn't bother them even if it is a level that would shame or embarass others. Why do you think so many HS drop outs have kids that are also? Why do so many college graduates have kids that are also? I've seen kids be meaner to their siblings after overhearing stories about the mean things their parents did to theirs, etc. My opinion? Don't talk about that stuff to kids unless you want them to mimic the behavior.
I think you know he is capable of more and the reason he isn't doing more is because the more he's pushed the more he'll dig his heels in. He is failing on purpose. You know it, your wife knows it, and the teachers know it. What worked on you may not work on SS. This is why it's often times better to raise your own flesh and blood because genetics does change temperments and the way you were raised would stand a good chance of being successful on your own child. Maybe your DW remembers some tactics that worked on her. That would be more relevant than what helped you.
Yeah, your wife's stories are
Yeah, your wife's stories are not helping all he sees is that mom dropped out and did bad at school and look at the nice life she has. No need to work hard in school because look how well mom did.
He's not going to see that its because of her hard work later....or because of your earning potential that he loves the life he does. He's just sees that failing g is OK because mom did, and it will all work out in the end.
Mom has taught him that not
Mom has taught him that not doing well in school won't be a problem if you marry well. All he has to do is follow mom's example and he'll be just fine.
Parents should keep some of their childhood stories to themselves until their kids are adults.
Done! Sorry, usually I just
Done!
Sorry, usually I just flag them and start answering another comment. By the time I refresh they are gone.
This statement pretty much
This statement pretty much sums it up: I wanted to, not because I feared my Dad’s punishment.
You are not his Dad you are a parental figure and not only that Draco but not everyone is a student. It is great that you think SS is "capable" of doing better but maybe school is not his thing.
It certainly wasnt mine but I have not an issue being the bread winner in my family.
I honestly think again and Ive said this before you need to lower your expectation and drop back and let your DW handle HER son. And although this statement may get my comment deleted you are farrrrr to hard on this boy. If hard is the only thing you are to him then he will view you as the villan and before you know it he will escape you anyway he can, drugs, change in custody, or possible physical harm to himself.
If all you ever do is make him feel bad what makes him want to feel good?
I know this is one side and only what you post but is there anything ever positive between you and this kid.
Good luck Draco, your gonna need it.
Why would I delete this? Your
Why would I delete this? Your words are civil and you are being honest and are not harrassing me!
I don't know where the message that I am hard on him got through but it is a bit muddled. I WANT to be hard on SS put DW routinely pulls the reigns. Don't know if that makes any sense but that is what it is like.
The positives between me and SS happen when we are one-on-one. Usually when we are on a "task" and not playing. Like if we are shopping together, or cooking together or if we are looking at a math problem together. These are the times where the dynamic between us is great. Lots of positive things to say there.
The situation in my home now can be summarized with the "Sink or Swim" analogy I used yesterday in my discussion with Warmbody. Imagine me teaching SS how to swim. SS struggles at first, but I push him, encourage him and not only does he do it, but he does it very well. I commend him. I then throw him into the rough chilly choppy waters of the Atlantic. He stays afloat. I pull him out and tell him he has mastered swimming. He is a champ and I am so proud of him. "See? I knew you had it in you!". SS is all smiles and he is beaming with pride. Then, the next week we all go to a kiddy pool. SS whines to his mother about swimming and begs to have those floaty wings placed on him. He steps into the water up to his ankles and starts crying that the water is too cold. He rushes to his mother who embraces him in a beach towel, sits him on her lap and starts rocking him whispering smooth nothings in his ear....
THAT is what the situation is like in my home.
The swimming analogy is
The swimming analogy is fantastic....
I suppose my question now would be, if you have taught him to swim and he has proven he can do it, yet reverts back and is babied by mommy when she takes him swimming, why waste your time teaching him anything else? Your efforts are futile at this point. I think that is where everyone is telling you that it is time to take a back seat and allow DW to be the one that "parents" him. Sure keep him out of harms way, blah blah blah... but beyond that, is wasted efforts and obviously very frustrating for you. DW will do it "her" way and SS will soon be the mediocre (at best) young adult that she is prepping him to be, and that is when YOU have the right to say "ok, go get yourself a job, it's time to move out of my house".
And...by the way... I don't
And...by the way... I don't think any of this is 100% your SS's fault. DW is just as much to blame, if not MORE considering she is the adult. Kids are going to push the limits with their parents. This kid is far from stupid. He knows where moms limits are!!
Kid is certainly at fault
Kid is certainly at fault too.. He may not be book smart, but he is manipulative smart no doubt!
I asked earlier also had they considered a tutor. **crickets**... let see if you get an answer about a counselor, which I also think is a valid question and a good suggestion if its not been done.
Stepdown, I am going to try
Stepdown, I am going to try and answer all your questions here:
SS just completed grade 7 (by the skin of his teeth) and is going into grade 8 in the fall. Several years ago, we had SS tested and he has ADHD (inattentive type). This is the lowest form (by my understanding) of the condition. We have looked into taking medication but upon advice of our pediatrician and SS’s child psychologist, we have decided to try and use structure, discipline and the school’s IEP program[*]. At first things seem to work but SS is slowly de-evolving academically. Plus the IEP program will be phased out next year so meds may be an option to reconsider.
We have spoken to SS’s teachers on numerous occasions. As I stated before, they all say the same thing about him “bright kid, but doesn’t apply himself”.
As far as comprehension and reading, SS can accomplish these tasks provided that he is engaged. In order to help him, I went to the library and took all the books they had on the subject. Typically, kids with ADHD suffer from a two-pronged attack that inhibits their ability to learn at the same pace as othersg. Subjects that bore them become a challenge because they are easily distracted. This means it takes them longer to accomplish some assigned tasks, and should this frustrate them, it only makes them even more prone to distraction.
I spoke to a good friend of mine who also happens to be a teacher. I told him everything I wrote down here and he said that the sad reality for a lot of these children of divorce is that the teachers end up knowing the kid better than the parents because the teachers spend more time with them. Parents are quick to blame each other or something else rather than focus on the actual problem. So I took it upon myself to keep a close eye on SS and keep tabs on his school work.
When it comes to art, writing (anything right-brain oriented) SS shows a lot of ingenuity and creativity. Math and science he struggles with, but once he grasps the concepts he flies through them. Based on the last state run tests he took, SS shows that he is capable of a “C” average. So really, there should be no excuse for D’s and F’s.
I strongly believe, that based on what the teacher’s wrote in his report card, that the big problem with SS is that he is more concerned with horsing around and socializing with his buddies in class than actually working.
DW and I briefly talked about getting a tutor, but this costs money. Money isn’t really an issue, but after everything I have done, I will not spend another single dime on SS if he is only going to do the bare minimum of work and horse around and if DW doesn’t act upon the plan of action we both agreed upon. Typically DW and I would talk about plans for discipline and structure, but these plans are like beads of water splashed on a frying pan. The plans dissolve more quickly than it takes to formulate them. So yes, DW is another portion of the problem. I am not laying 100% of the blame on SS here.
* IEP = Individualized Education Program. This is really just an extra “crutch” to give SS a bit of a chance. All the IEP does is just give SS a bit of extra time on tests and quizzes. Teachers are to ask him if he has everything he has before class to give him a chance to fetch what he needs from his locker before school starts. He also has a daily log which SS is expected to get the teacher to sign every day.
Yep. In my case the BM HAS
Yep. In my case the BM HAS no limits. She herself plagiarized her way through college and HER mommykins bailed her out on it. She ended up getting a peach job as a Child Protective worker after years of being a stay-in-bed mom.
The road apple doesn't fall far from the horse's patoot.
Bulletproof: The military is now VERY selective and won't take just any old juvenile delinquent off the streets anymore. Mainly because today's kids are 85% juvenile delinquents (due to extreme lack of parenting)