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Gaslighting -- old school, WTH.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 9:31am

A couple of weeks ago SO and I had a huge argument. He yelled at me and I stormed out and left the house without telling him. An hour later I returned and could not open the garage door with the remote to pull my car inside. Walked into the house and checked the switch inside the garage. No green light.

Confronted SO, asked him if he messed with the garage door and he replied I don't know. Asked several times, same answer, and I told him he was being evasive. He then deflected and askede why I left without telling him. I didn't answer. Later when we were in bed I asked him again if he messed with the door, he laughed and said no. He went to check it and came back and said it worked fine.

This whole time I dont believe him but I forgot to check to see if the mechanism was unplugged. So Ibcouldnt prove it.

Then a couple of days ago I noticed he got a new remote for his car, asked him if he got it the same time he locked me out of the garage. He smiled and replied, no, I'm not capable of that. Still didn't believe him but whatever.

Then last night we have another big fight. Almost had to walk out on him at the restaurant to keep from being embarrassed. We continued the fight at home, about what a shitty stepmom I am, etc. Then I brought up the garage again and he finally admitted it. I told him he was Gaslighting me and he agreed, but so what, what's the big deal. Said he was mad I walked out on him. I told him he lied to me multiple times about it, and that what he did was abusive.

Needless to say I'm not in a good place right now. I told him I wanted to move out, he said, well you never asked me what I wanted. SO said he wanted me to stay. Boggles my mind how he berates me telling me what a shitty stepmom I am to his son, and what a bad girlfriend I am, and he still wants me to stay. I just thought really, I'm having so much fun as it is, I'm dying for more yelling, Gaslighting, put downs.

Sigh, but life goes on, still have to go to work, that's the hardest part.

Comments

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 9:34am

How can you live with this??? I suggest therapy or leaving, no one needs to be berated like that. You deserve better. I shouldn't have to tell you that, you should expect it.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 9:37am

Jsmom, the answer is I can't live with this. And he's already been in therapy for a long time, but I expect he spends that time blaming all the women in his past for his problems.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 10:06am

>he spends that time blaming all the women in his past for his problems<

A man can either choose to be the sum of the good experience he's had with his past relationships or be a byproduct of the bad experiences. Ultimately that is his choice. I hope he makes the right one before you decide to storm out one day and never return.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 10:24am

He chooses to be victim, every time. Thing is, he doesn't have to, he's got a lot of great qualities, and when things are good, can be very loving and considerate. I guess he thinks he either has to be a victim or a monster, nothing in between. He's flawed like the rest of us, but he won't address the flaws that are the most destructive. So he finds comfort in being the victim.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 10:48am

I read your other comment about your husband below. Usually when guys (and I am purely speaking about the guys I know, not ALL guys in general) act this way it is because there is something unsatisfying about their life or there is an aspect of their life they feel is outside of their realm of control. I don't know your husband but whatever it is that is bugging him could be anything; dead-end career, feeling unhealthy, feeling unappreciated, etc. He may indeed love you and I get the sense that you love him but he is dealing with some unresolved issues that he doesn't know how to address which causes him to swing from one emotional extreme to the other. He needs to find that balance in order to feel whole again. Don't know if that makes any sense. He doesn't have an addictive personality does he? By that I mean he doesn't cling to you or drinks a lot?

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 10:59am

He likes to drink, and he can drink to excess, but I'd call him more alcohol dependent than a full blown drunk because he can moderate his drinking if he really wants to. He's a former GI so he pretty much acts like one, especially when he's with his buddies.

I'd say he's deathly afraid of being alone. That's why he married his last wife after dating her for 3 months. And to be fair when I met him I was afraid of being alone too. Not a good place to be in.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 11:23am

>He's a former GI <

>I'd say he's deathly afraid of being alone.<

Or...maybe he needs to feel like he belongs? Maybe he needs to be a part of something bigger than himself? It's easy when you are a GI because there is structure, discipline, protocol (not to mention the comraderie of your fellow GIs). I think what I am trying to get at is that some guys need to feel like they are building up towards "something". Not that I want to use DW and me as an example, but after our big fights, the one thing that ALWAYS brings us back to the negotiating table is that we both want the same thing, to raise our family and do everything we can for our children.

I don't think he has an addictive personalily then but it seems pretty obvious to me that he leaps first before thinking. It is an admirable trait to have, but it can also be very self-defeating. I mean think about it. Him tampering with the garage door seems utterly childish. He was just acting on a knee jerk reaction. Had someone told him to sit down, chill and think, really *THINK* about what he was doing, he probably wouldn't have done it.

He is definetly dependant on youbut he has to learn that HIS actions have repurcussions to your feelings. He is not wired the same way as you are.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 12:39pm

Sorry, lucky, your DH doesn't know what he's talking about. That's gotta be tough to live with. In the end he's just shooting himself in the foot. Sometimes I think these men who marry crazy borderline women benefit in that with crazies, the men don't have to behave themselves. Then when they get with a sane woman, they don't like having to treat women with respect.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 10:12am

He can be very affectionate, and he's outgoing, successful and has a good sense of humor, very smart and insightful. he is not terrible, he's not sadistic or anything like that, but he is also a hot head, inpulsive, very sensitive, quick to anger, and can be mean.

Once he shut me out of the garage, and then played mind games with me, that's when the fog started lifting and I kept dreaming about living in my own house.

When I start riding the emotional roller coaster, that's when I start thinking about leaving, it's not healthy for me. I don't like drama.

I do feel bad for him in a way. He just cannot control his anger, and I think he wants to and gets frustrated when he realizes he can't. And I'm no saint, I can get really angry too. The difference is I don't have the mean streak that he does, he always manages to take it to a whole new level. When we fight he can't help but say or do something that he can't take back.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 10:19am

Got my life vest on, can't jump ship just yet. I also worry he's reading these posts so I don't say too much. It'll take some time to get where I need to be, but I've been in this situation before, and I'll get through it again.

princessmofo's picture

Submitted by princessmofo on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 10:34am

Oh I hope he is reading them cause I got a message for him:

Hey, fuckwad. Pull your head outta your ass and man up. You make me sick. And if I knew you in "real" life I'd kick your ass just for shits and giggles because clearly you are a psycho who has no respect for onefoot.

There, I feel better now. You deserve better than this.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 12:10pm

Nacho, I don't like being the scapegoat anymore either. Sorry about how your dh is behaving. Anytime I raise concerns SO starts in on what crappy SM I am. He always does that to steer the argument away from my concerns about our adult relationship. I don't blame you for planning your exit strategy.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 1:52pm

Have you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans?

Changed my life when my therapist recommended it to me.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 1:03pm

NoDoormat, if it was just the weird and immature act of locking out of the garage, I might reconsider. Might. But I asked him over and over for two weeks, and he lied to me over and over, multiple times about messing with the garage. I don't think I want to be with a man who acts in such a weird way and then is comfortable lying to me multiple times. That is a difference in both our core values. I get mad, I raise my voice, but never would it occur to me to be that mean to someone because they stormed out of the house without telling me.

When Ieft, he claimed he was worried about me, but not once did he text me or call me. So that means he was mad because he couldn't control me. He's done something similar with crazy ex, but I assumed she provoked him, which I still believe she did. Me, I just wanted to get the hell out.

I will never meet his expectations, he refuses to let go of his fantasy of the new family where I'm the mother figure who loves his son and loves to spend time with his beyond awkward surly teenager. And maybe I'm not the right woman for him. He certainly makes me feel that way.

I doubt he will let me near his counselor now that he's royally f'd up. He knows I would tell her all kinds of things that he doesn't want her to hear. And frankly, if he wants to work on these issues, I'd prefer he do it on his own time, not mine. His problems are not easily fixed.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 1:40pm

Thanks, Justwow, really appreciate your comment, your support and everyone's support on this site; it means the world to me. I wish I knew about ST when I broke up with my ex-bf a few years ago.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 1:18pm

Nodoormat, I do appreciate your comment, however, and I will keep your list of books handy.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 1:54pm

NoDoormat, no worries, I took no offense at all. I like to see different points of view, and I do need to work on forgiveness.

And in a lot of ways I feel bad for SO, I can tell he's frustrated that he cannot control his anger, it really gets the better of him and he knows that. And he's not malicious, but I do think he's misguided.

Please feel free to share your point of view, I take it seriously and I know it comes from the heart. And maybe when things calm down, I'll be in a more positive frame of mind.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Wed, 08/14/2013 - 1:57pm

Thx NoDoormat. Right now, I don't even feel hate, I'm more in survival mode. But 6 months later, once the fog has completely lifted, that's when I'm in danger of hating him, and I may need to look at that book to try to work through the anger and hate stage. Thx!