After yet another afternoon and evening of misery, I said to DH "are you sick of living like this?".. "we have a choice, you know - continue on like this and be unhappy every day or take charge and change things as of this moment."

Not sure if he ever thought of it like that, but for some reason those words hit him right between the eyes...

DH and I made a list of what just one day (yesterday) is like with regards to SK12 and how it affects everyone and everything else..

SK12.. puts everyone in a bad mood. SK12.. sucks all the joy out of everything. SK12.. manipulates DH so he has no time for anyone and when he finally does.. he is mentally exhausted and in a bad mood.

One person.. One person, who we are pretty sure is doing this on purpose..

Why? Is he doing this on purpose..? Not exactly 100% sure. Maybe it's because he is unhappy with the dynamics and is trying his best to sabotage it.. maybe he is resentful.. maybe he is just unhappy.. maybe it's all of this and more..

DH made a list of our daily battles, arguments, conflicts, etc.. no battles with SK14 (for the most part), me or my daughter.. just sk12.

The other two kids... automatic with their schedules. They wake up when you get them.. sometimes it takes more persuasion than others, but there are no fights with them. They pick out their clothes, get dressed, usually make their beds, eat, brush their teeth and keep an eye on the time so they know when they need to get out the door...

SK12.. is like a 5 year old. You have to tell him everything 10 times and follow him around to make sure it's done.. then tell him what time it is over and over again.. until you are running behind, frazzled and almost late..

DH and I decided this: SK12 gets an alarm clock to wake up to. If he gets up, great. If not - one courtesy "get up" and that's it. No more reminders of what needs to be done - he should know them by now like everyone else does. At 7:45, DH will be in the car and ready to go and if SK12 isn't out there within 5 minutes, DH is coming back inside and no ride to school for sk12. He can walk and be late. SK12 can deal with the tardy slips and consequences.

The other two kids know when they have sports and get themselves ready with little to no help. DH, every day, has to treat SK12 like he's never gone to practice before..

Not anymore. Sk12 can do it just like everyone else. If he's late or unprepared, too bad.. he can deal with the consequences of having to run laps or whatever.

Dinner, bedtimes, etc. Same issues.. same approach from this day forward.

See, DH finally realized the manipulation.. How the constant conflict with sk12 over everything affects everyone. How it puts DH in a bad mood. How it takes time away from other people.. the ones that are not making problems get screwed. How it changes the tone of our home to tense and negative.

All because of one person.

Of course this is going to be difficult..

SK12 will probably be late for school a bunch - until he learns it's not worth it. He will probably throw a fit the first time DH comes back inside and says "sorry, you missed your ride" and refuse to walk to school.. he might even refuse to go to school. Dh has already agreed this tactic won't work. If he refuses to go and the school calls about his absence, tell them it's unauthorized and his kid is refusing to walk to school (it's less than 1/4 mile).. oh well.. maybe the cops will come to the house and make him go - if so, fine by us.

Sadly, it's time to play hardball - sk12 has forced our hand. We have tried this every other way. Kindness got us ignored. Consequences got us arguments and pushback. Constant reminders just led to more reminders, more conflict and in the end, nowhere but exhausted and frustrated.

It's time for SK12 to realize that we aren't going to baby him and bail him out anymore.. he needs to do things for himself and be responsible. This pattern has been allowed for way too long and it's only getting worse. The things he needs to do aren't unreasonable for a 12 year old to be doing on his own. He needs to own them.. and when he doesn't do what he is supposed to do, he will also own the consequences.

Ahh... feels good to know that finally.. peace is on the horizon (for some things.. lol)