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Just found out last night

theoutsider's picture

Submitted by theoutsider on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 10:50am

I was showing my boyfriend how to do something on his phone and an email came through.
Before he could stop me, I opened it
"wanna nut?"
He grabbed the phone out of my hand.
Long story short, he admitted to sextexting through craigslist, and with some woman who is listed as "bobtom" in his phone who lives in the next town over. It was pulling teeth to get him to even admit to that's.. He swears he has never slept with anyone after he and I have been together...
But he said, "here it is. This is it. I cant stop im adicted ive tried. Thats why I cant marry. I knew you would leave me when you found out. Im so embarrassed, so ashamed."
He does not want me to move out. Says he feels so much better knowing now that I know...
I don't know what to do... I was already planning to move out but not break up with him until he figured his shit out.
But now he says that that was it, that was holding him back and he wants to talk to our minister about conseling for him by himself and the two of us together, and he wants to come with me monday to my session I had.already invited him t o.

Comments

Sunflower1's picture

Submitted by Sunflower1 on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 11:00am

A woman with the screen name bobtom? Who says wanna nut? I hate to say it but it sounds like he may be sexting a man, not that it matters either way. Either way its bad and I highly recommend going and getting tested for STDs. Outsider, move, run and find a man who will love you, respect you and want to marry you, if marriage is your goal I fear you will get nothing but spinning your wheels and heartache with this asshole.

Sunflower1's picture

Submitted by Sunflower1 on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 11:22am

It would make sense. Expect ally if he's bi, but even if he only likes men, he wants to keep outsider for security and as his beard. He knows she wants to get married so he strings her along with that. Not saying that's the case OP but that's the vibe I'm getting.

somedevilishbeauty's picture

Submitted by somedevilishbeauty on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 11:25am

The Truth shall set you free...... or better yet his truth shall set you free. }:)

snowdrop's picture

Submitted by snowdrop on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 12:05pm

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them"
he said he's addicted, can't stop, etc. BELIEVE HIM. you were thinking about leaving already, for me this would seal the deal...

Sorry Sad it's a lot to wrap your head around. you may never understand or know it all... but what you do know is enough to know that it's not something you need in your life.

Kattkatt's picture

Submitted by Kattkatt on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 12:57pm

Leave him NOW. My ex husband carried on like that, having email affairs and text/sexting affairs, then progressed to real affairs. Each step i would catch before the real affair he would beg and plead and apologize and then he would say it was because these strangers gave him something i could not. Eventually he slept around and basically told me he didn't see why i was hurt, because I had forgiven him for all the internet cheating! This guy has a serious problem. Ditch him and move on. He needs help, but men involved in this sort of thing who claim to be "addicted" to internet or text affairs are full of shit. They are addicted to the rush of doing something behind your back. It will never get better, and you will end up hurt!

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 1:07pm

THIS IS YOUR GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO EXIT!!! Go to lovefraud.com and read all about this "personality type"

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 1:32pm

I'm so sorry you've had yet another blow to your last remaining hopes for the relationship. You're in a relationship that was already making you feel deeply sad and now you find out that he has betrayed your trust. I think if you drew up a for and against list the overwhelming weight of evidence would be that this relationship is too damaging, too much hard work, and not fulfilling you, or apparently him. It would be difficult to trust anything he says with regard to this latest revelation because his sole aim now is damage limitation. I personally would not be able to believe that it was the only instance, or that it had only been confined to texting. I think this has to be the final nail in the coffin and at this point you need a clean break and the opportunity to find someone who is going to make you truely happy. You need therapy to get you over this relationship, not to enable you to invest in it again, there IS a better man out there waiting for you.

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 3:23pm

Outsider - the trouble is, your relationship is *already* in trouble due to his inability to address things which are sucking the life out of you. He may make all the right noises at the minute but your happiness and your personality are suffering due to HIS baggage and problems.

This guy is the epitome of selfish imo, as he keeps shoving his problems onto you and expecting you eat it up. Ok, he may say sorry now and again, tell you he loves you, doesn't want to lose you, yet what exactly is he offering you in return?!!

He tells you:

"He does not want me to move out. Says he feels so much better knowing now that I know..."

Unbelievable. I am shaking my head in disgust. His reaction is SELFISH! It's like those individuals who screw up and cheat, feel overwhelming guilt and only because of this suffocating feeling, they decide to offload on the one they profess to love! While ultimately they are doing their partner a favour by offloading on them, the motivation is purely self serving. That moment when you feel a weight has been lifted off your shoulders...and all because they have transferred that weight and in their sometimes I think they feel the responsibility of that betrayal onto their partner instead. Effectively THIS is what your OH is telling you:

Oh dear, I have gotten busted. Damn. Oh well better own up to it and wow I feel so much better my dirty little secret is now out in the open because I have told her I can't stop, so I won't and she will have to accept it and now I don't have to hide it.

PLEASE do not give him a free pass to dump this onto your lap, do not allow him believe this is acceptable, that you have accepted it because he "can't help it...". He keeps passing his problems onto you and sometimes I think he wants you to fix these things for him, to bear the brunt of the stress of these issues. WTF is that all about?!! He is an emotional vampire, no wonder you are losing yourself in this vortex of drama's he keeps unveiling.

Here's a novel idea - he CAN help the fact he is a CHEAT. He can CHOOSE not to go onto these sites, he can choose to not swap numbers, to ring/text, to sleep with these people (its BS that he is saying he hasn't -nah sorry, he is an addict and you are telling me he has not indulged in the ultimate fix = sex?!! Yeah, right). He could have sought help. Instead he choose to continue, to make you feel something was wrong with YOU instead. This is a double betrayal imo, as likely you have sat and wondered WHY he would not commit and he continues to feed this confusion and hurt by claiming he did not know why!! He has lied and made you feel like you are not worthy, while all the time HE is the one who is not worthy of you.

Get out. Let this man seek all the help he needs to fix himself, because if he has not gotten that help by himself already then by remaining with him he will NOT and you will not be able to trust him, nor should you have to monitor him as you are his GF not his keeper. Instead use that time and energy in focusing on reclaiming your own mojo.

Bossladee's picture

Submitted by Bossladee on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 10:52pm

So, if a shoplifter gets caught stealing, they are "sorry ", they will "never do it again", yada yada.
If a kid breaks something important, it's an "accident" and they also are "sorry", yada yada.
Pretty much ANYONE that gets caught ( and make no mistake, your boyfriend was caught, he did not have the guilt get the better of him and confess on his own) doing something they damn well know they should NOT of done, they are going to say whatever it is they think you want or need to hear. Him telling you that he wants to get help, he'll go with you to therapy, he's tried to quit and can't, blah blah, is just him trying to talk his way out of 'trouble'. He's manipulating you, which it sounds as though that is something he has been doing all along, stringing you along. Of course he doesn't want you to leave, he feels better with you there, cuz it's all about HIM, his needs, what he wants. If you are ok with being in that kind of relationship, then don't leave. Someone else posted "he's shown you who he is, believe him", and that is EXACTLY right. You will be better off getting this douche out of your system for good. Move out, move on, and move up.

P.S. you really should get tested for all the cooties Sad
Way better to be safe than sorry.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 2:07am

When he says: "here it is. This is it. I cant stop im adicted ive tried. Thats why I cant marry. I knew you would leave me when you found out. Im so embarrassed, so ashamed." that does sound like a man who is uncomfortable with his sexuality talking about being addicted to being gay, not jost a bloke being addicted to sexting. If he's been married, had kids, got divorced, and got involved with you while all the time being gay he is seriously messed up and has messed up a lot of other peoples lives.

newtothis03's picture

Submitted by newtothis03 on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 1:16pm

You need to take this man for what he is...a cheater. From this point on, your relationship will never be the same. You need to make a clean break from this guy and move on. You probably really care and love this man but he has no respect for you. The "addiction" excuse is just that....an excuse. If you want an unhealthy relationship that will never grow...then stay. If you want a relationship with a man, then you need to leave

Justme54's picture

Submitted by Justme54 on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 4:29pm

bobtom and wanna a nut? Sorry, I would have to say...he is either gay or bi. You deserve better. MY BIL cried...I want to die...when his wife busted him on having an affair. Only to...less than 2 months later...have another affair. She kicked him out and he moved in with his mistress. The same day he divorced his wife, he married his mistress.