BM question- hoping for some insight
So here goes. BM to D-14, and D-10. Share 50/50 with ex as we live 1/2 mile from each other. D-14 and ex have been fighting a lot lately, ex and I have a civil but not friendly relationship so at times he will share with me how disrespectful she is to him, how rude she is to her sister are the most common complaints. Sibling rivalry is big in our house too, however my oldest is a great kid. On occasion we have issues with attitude but I attribute this to hormones, etc. She gets excellent grades, never gets in trouble at school. Has a boyfriend but they have been "dating" over 6 months and never kissed. He's a good kid, very respectful and a pleasure to have over.
Now to the problem- my D-14 has been hiding things from her dad because he overreacts which I agree he generally does from what I have seen. She will only ask to hang out with her boyfriend when she is at home with me. She tries to arrange sleepovers whenever she is with her dad for the weekend to avoid him.
I don't ask her much but she will share at times. The other day when her sister came in crying I did ask what was going on. D-14 told me that her dad told her she is the most disrespectful, snotty person he has met ever. I am not oblivious but she is a good kid. I have for months encouraged her to talk to her dad, write him a letter, somehow share how she is feeling. She feels like she never is good enough. Ex- lowest grade for entire year was 97 and it was in an elective course so he asked her was that class hard that you got a 97? Now I know parents that would kill for their kids to have grades like this...
Last night, things between them came to a head and he told them to stay in their room because he didn't want to hear them. D-14 has now asked me if she can stay home this weekend "he doesn't want me there anyways, nothing I do is good enough, and I might as well be somewhere I am happy". I told her she needs to talk to her dad, I would never tell she is isn't welcome at home because she always is but she has to talk to her dad. As a mom I feel so incredibly helpless. What I want to do is tell her she isn't allowed to go, email him and tell him the same and lock the doors and turn off the phone for the weekend to protect her. But I know that isn't what I should do...
How can I help my daughter? Without being accused of PAS? Years ago before I entered stepmotherhood I probably would have done things differently and been guilty of PAS. I feel helpless however and want to protect my daughter from these feelings she is having even if I am not the cause.
Hoping someone will have some insight or ideas to help me, help my daughter. And her relationship with her dad.
- Amazedstepmom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I don't think you are PASing
I don't think you are PASing if you try to help your BD and the relationship between her and the Dad...PAS would be if you were intentionally trying to destroy that relationship, which you are not....
No I am definitely not trying
No I am definitely not trying to destroy their relationship. I bite my tongue when she tells me how she feels when I want to tell her what an ass he is and tell her how much I love her and that I know her dad is proud of her too. The frustrating part is that I attend every game, practice, sports match, concert that she has. If I miss something there's a darn good reason. Her dad comes to one and it lights up her world because she expects me to be there, she expects him not to. She doesn't tell him about concerts now because "he won't show up anyways, and if he does he will complain how far of a drive it was". My heart breaks for her. And above all I wish my mother was still alive so I could tell her I'm sorry because I did the same thing to her. When my dad showed up once every 2 years I was on cloud 9, nevermind everything she did every day. Its amazing how your perspective changes as you get older.
Maybe a comversation with the ex is warranted
Maybe you should talk to the ex to see what is going on. My logic is that if an adult said something hurtful to my child and treated my child badly then I would be the one to talk to that adult.
Please do not send your daughter in alone to tell this man(I know yes he's her father but clearly he isnt being very parental) how she feels without talking to him first alone (your daughter should not be present) and in a neutral location(coffeehouse etc.).Try to be calm.
it's sad that her Dad is
it's sad that her Dad is acting this way...can reason why you think he is pushing her away by saying these things to her?
I encouraged and encouraged
I encouraged and encouraged and pushed my dd to talk to her dad about their issues. They finally did and it didn't resolve anything. He knows why she chooses not to visit as often it was his poor choices and he didn't care it hurt her and purposly pushed her away (he does this to women he cares about he is an emotional bully in an attempt to "see if they care enough")
I made sure she was available, encouraged her to work it out, the damage is done it is what it is, and I really wasn't going to pressure her to be in the bullying situation he was setting her up in. PAS is trying to manipulate and alienate as one said as long as your making her available, the rest is on him.
double ugh
double ugh
I think you are doing the
I think you are doing the right thing. Tell her that she is always welcome at home but that she has to tell/ask her Dad that she isn't coming.
How long have they been having issues? That age is hard as a girl as well as for a parent. She needs to know that you think her relationship with her Dad is important but that you are leaving it to the two of them to work out. Don't take sides but be supportive of her feelings. Hope that makes sense. Good luck!
The way I see it is visiting
The way I see it is visiting parents is not optional. The only reason to allow her to stay is if she were being abused. Would you let her stay home from school if she were having an issue with a teacher? Would you want your ex to allow her to hide from you at his place if she suddenly had a problem with something you did?
Part of growing up is learning how to resolve conflicts. The teen years are hard on everyone, but avoiding issues isn't going to help anyone. This time is critical for the father/daughter relationship, they need to work it out. They are negotiating their future relationship, please let the natural process happen.
Believe me I know how much you want to protect her. But you will be doing her a disservice in the end if you allow her to avoid learning how to resolve issues and negotiate relationships.
^^^^^^^^^This I agree
^^^^^^^^^This I agree with^^^^^^^^^
SD11 (at the time) was being PAS'd by BM and SD11 pretty much ran the show. If she didn't want to go, BM would tell her it was fine to stay home. We had rules at our house and SD didn't like it, so she didn't want to come over.
The Judge gave BM the same scenario. We wouldn't let SD stay home from school because she wanted too. Going to Dad's is no different.
I Yosemite's advice is good, I'd pay attention to it.
I dont think this is good
I dont think this is good advice. If there is a CO, her ex could take her to court for denying visitation.
It's his time - even if he is a jerk - it's really not her decision.
I get the same thing from my
I get the same thing from my teenage son, 14. He has issues with DH frequently, mostly because my DS14, while he is a WONDERFUL kid, is a teenager, and is often mouthy, ungrateful, and gets by with whatever he can get by with.
I guarantee you you are NOT getting both sides of the story from your daughter. What teenager is going to say "I was a brat this weekend and dad called me onto the carpet and held me accountable!"? Not going to happen.
Her dad isn't abusive, and there is no reason to let her stay at your house on his parenting time just because she feels like it. Send her back to her dad's house and tell her to work out her problems with her dad by being there and working them through. Nothing will improve about the situation if she's allowed to avoid it.
I'm going to toss out there
I'm going to toss out there (Having very recently been a teen myself):
Yosemite, HadEnoughx5, Fire_Inside and GoodbyeNormaJean are completely correct.
What if you worked it out so
What if you worked it out so that for the next few weeks instead of the weekend visitation they went to a counselor to work on communication? Have a weekly appointment for them for the next 3-4 weeks and then see how she feels? Would your ex go for this in hopes of repairing the damage and moving his relationship to a healthy place with his daughter?
I understand as a mother
I understand as a mother wanting to get involved and protect your child. If you truly want to get involved and do what's best for everyone I would set up a time to talk with your ex. I wouldn't be accusatory of anything but just ask in your own words "What is going on at your house lately? Here are some things that I've been having issues with, do you have the same issues? BD has been having issues with such and such, am I getting the whole story here, I realize she is a hormonal/emotional teenager, we just need to navigate through that etc."
Agree with askYOURdad
I agree that a conversation is even more warranted now after seeing that you are thinking of withholding her which could backlash on you. You don't want this man having your child with him 24/7 bc you are in jail...
I hope he heard a piece of your mind when he called his 14yo a whore. (For me it woulve been immediate responseE)
Thank you for the replies.
Thank you for the replies. He agreed that she could stay at my house this weekend. I honestly don't know what will happen from here on out. I told her this is a temporary "solution" and she needs to talk to her dad. Which I have told her for months. The problem is he won't listen. Unfortunatly because we live so close, we know a lot of the same people. My best friend is friends with him and has said this is coming for months because he won't listen. There is no physical abuse, but verbal in some ways is much worse. And for a young girl to be constantly put down by her father is devastating and makes her build walls as a way to protect herself from the negativity and constantly never living up to expecations and never being good enough. Walls that are hard to climb for anyone in her life in the future. That is my fear for her.
Regarding her boyfriend- they are friends, have been since 5th grade. They watch a movie or play a sports game they both love. Her dad knows they are dating and called her a "whore" for dating him. I know lots of teens who I wonder when they will be knocked up and he has the nerve to call her a whore. He doesn't ask, she doesn't share with him.
When my kids are with him and they have a headache or any other minor ailements that kids get, they don't walk into the living room and tell their dad, they call me and ask what to do. I have sat back and watched this quietly for years and still to this day never share with my kids what an ass I feel he is. I think he wants everyone to believe he is father of the year when in reality he is far from it. He has the kids to avoid paying child support and to be able to say he did better than his own father. That's it and it breaks my heart to watch this but at the same time, I know that kids have to make up their minds regarding a parent being worthless all on their own without any external influence.