How many times have you (step-parents) heard "well, just kill them with kindness and they will come around"...?
I hate that phrase..
Abso-freaking-loutly hate it!
My ss's and I do not like each other.
They have their reasons, I have mine..
Long story short.. I am constantly being told to "kill him with kindness and he will learn to like you" (with regards to ss12)... WTF? Are you serious? How can I kill someone with kindness when they act like this kid? I don't see anything that makes me all warm and fuzzy when I look at him and how he acts... I don't even want to be in the same room as him...
I finally told DH "no way in hell".. I can't be over the top sweet to someone who disrupts my home and screws with my quality of life each and every day, several times a day. Nor can I be this way when I see him treat you (DH) like crap with his disrespect and foul attitude. I went on to say that if ss12 starts acting right and being a person I want to be around, then that will open the door to me warming up to him..
Why is it always us that is to blame for not getting along with these kids? Why do we always have to be suzy sunshine with puppies and daisies falling out of our asses? Why is it an automatic "get out of jail" card for these kids to act like this simply because they "went through a divorce" and it's our problem when they have unacceptable behaviors and we refuse to just tolerate it and turn a blind eye to the crap?
Ugh!
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Comments
Yes! I hate that phrase too
Yes! I hate that phrase too and I hate when DH tells me SD acts the way she does because I'm not making an effort to connect with her! REALLY? Maybe SD is a jerk because her BM raised her like shit. If BM won't connect with her, why should I and why is it my fault? Maybe it's DH's fault that he doesn't connect with his kid. Maybe SD is just a jerk by nature. I'm not the magical Mary Poppins who walzed in here to sing words of kindness and change SD into a decent person.
Nobody has ever told me to
Nobody has ever told me to kill SD with kindness, but, they have told me that because I'm the adult it's my job to fix the problems. This past August, both FDH's sister and oldest brother told me this. Oh, really? So, I'm supposed to just fix the fact that GUBM is an NPD/BPD POS who is so horribly insecure in life that she thinks it is her job to turn SD against us because her life crashed and burned after she left FDH and SD is the last thing she has claim over to show that she isn't a complete loser? -_-
Yep! It's my fault that I'm
Yep! It's my fault that I'm not a big loser like GUBM and have triggered her insecurities. It's my fault that FDH's life didn't go down the crapper like her's did when she dumped him. And it's my fault that she attempts to alienate SD from both of us because she can't just feel secure in her own life and, oh, I don't know, grow the hell up and do something productive rather than whine about how unfair things are? Didn't realize I had so much power!
When ss treats your DH with
When ss treats your DH with "disrespect and foul attitude" it should not be your problem. It is his. If your DH accepts this behavior towards himself then he accepts it. He wants it. He enjoys it. He gets SOMETHING out of it. Perhaps it relieves his sense of guilt for failing the boy in some way, like self flogging.
No reason for you to get into the middle of it. Learn to smile as Daddy gets beat on and takes it, Daddy gets used, and jerked around . When Daddy gets tired of it, especially when it increases then he will do something about it.
It isn't my problem per se..
It isn't my problem per se.. but I don't like having to hear it, nor do I think it's a good idea for it to be done in my home in front of my daughter.. it's a bad influence.
Also, I love my DH and this causes him stress as well. DH gets ss12 when this happens.. but it's at the expense of everyone peace in the household because ss12 is a loud drama queens.. so taking his ipad or sending him to his room is met with pushback loud enough for the whole house to hear..
Therefore, it becomes everyone's burden.. non of us take it personal.. it's more like "oh lord, here we go again"...
Yes it does become a burden
Yes it does become a burden for everyone else in the household when the situation is going on between ss and his father. I got the impression that it somehow gets turned on you when you get involved. If that is the case then dh needs to deal with it. His problem until he becomes uncomfortable enough to put a stop to the behavior and attitude. It does not mean that you have to accept the same treatment from ss. You set your own boundaries.
Yup.. I have been kind to
Yup..
I have been kind to this kid.. and all it has ever gotten me is crap, crap and more crap.. and it's not like I am some mean dictator.. I'm just a normal human being that has boundaries - that's it.
He has just decided he doesn't like me - probably because I don't put up with his shit.. and his dad, who used to.. doesn't either. So he probably sees that as my fault as well.. I'm sure the rules of the house are all my fault too... bedtimes, brushing teeth, not allowing him to take a pillowcase full of candy from Halloween up to his room and keep it there so he can lock the door and eat it as his leisure.. all my fault in his mind.
So be it.. if he wants to believe that.. fine - it's not changing who I am or how I run the house..
He's not going to bully me into kissing his ass