FDH standing by me
Tonight should be interesting for FDH - first visitation with FSD15 after her nasty tweet and FSS12.
FDH called FSD Sunday afternoon and tried to talk to her. She was at a friend's house and declined to talk, said she would call him back later that night. Before ending call he flat out told her he saw tweet and it was total bullshit. Told her to remove it immediately and tweet an apology not just to him but to me and anyone in the family who may have seen it. She repeats she will call him back. We get to like 9:45 and of course no call. She decided to parrot BM and refused to talk to him on the phone, saying it would only be face to face. FDH went off on her via text and demanded again it be removed or else. He was furious and embarrassed that the daughter he raised would say such a thing about either of us. Also she wasn't even involved in the episode between her mother and me.
Yesterday was a better day for me. Did a lot of praying, researching disengagement and PAS online. Shared it with FDH and a lot of it made sense to him. I also stopped at my library and requested Divorce Poison for FDH and me to read. I was able to get Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin right away however.
FDH and I had long talk last night. He fully acknowledged he handled Saturday morning badly and it was never his intention to cause me any pain or frustration. He said he understood know why I suddenly felt insecure when for years and years he hated BM and they were determined adversaries and then within last few months she acts all chatty and agreeable and he behaves like she had never acted any other way.
He told me with tears in his eyes that he did have to think about what to do about this constant stress and drama with his ex and the kids. There is an accumulation of crap over last six months. He did consider whether we should end our engagement (I did too but this to me was a necessary consideration - we want to live as a whole not as two halves with just us in the middle). He told me in no uncertain terms that any future apart would be one filled with regret for him. If we break up, he feels everyone loses. Him, me, my kids, his kids. He decided regardless of what was required of him, he was going to stand by our relationship and tell his daughter that this was bullshit and never to happen again. FSD has not been the same since this past summer when we got engaged and he is going to confront her about it. I know I have always had his support and unconditional love but it was very nice to hear. He said that I have never betrayed him, always supported him and given him unwavering loyalty even when I called him out on things. He said why on earth would he throw me over for his kids when i haven't done anything to them but love them. Maybe a little too much in my opinion.
He did also text his exwife yesterday morning and go off on her about tweet. He told her same thing as he told FSD and made it clear this is over. He appreciated me requesting the Divorce Poison book and understands why I need to disengage.
Thank you again for all the support and even the criticisms. I value every single post regardless of whether I agree or not.
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Comments
You're just a ray of sunshine
You're just a ray of sunshine on every blog you post on, aren't ya?
Well aware I am not the mother. Why? Because MY biokids would never act like this.
"FSD has not been the same
"FSD has not been the same since this past summer when we got engaged and he is going to confront her about it."
I get why he wants to do this, but don't think confronting her is the way to go about it. She's allowed to have her feelings. Maybe if he sat down with her in a comfortable setting for her, and gave her the chance to talk, she'd open up and at least he'd then be able to better help her. She needs to know that what she feels is ok, but how she acts isn't.
You said she hasn't been the same since you got engaged. That's sort of understandable. Speaking as a SK, I know it's a real adjustment when you have to learn how to permanently adapt to dealing with a whole new set of people and "blend." It's hard when you all come from different backgrounds and have different customs. It's also got to be hard to know that these stepsiblings are going to be spending more time with dad than you (don't know if that's your situation or not).
Maybe she could benefit from counseling with someone who specializes in helping troubled/angry teens. She's got a dad and mom who can't stand each other. She likely feels torn apart. She needs help. Gogle "Dr. Richard Warshak." His website has great PAS materials for kids and teens.
And of course, he needs to let her know he'll always love her to the moon and back, but won't tolerate her being rude to you or anyone.
I apologize if I sounded
I apologize if I sounded harsh in that sentence. I've been dating FDH for nearly 5 years (anniv in March) and FSD15 and I have always gotten along. Her dad moved in with me and my kids about 2, 2 1/2 years ago when he had to short sale the house he and BM originally had. BM moved the kids (as CG parent) into her BF's. So yes, technically my kids do have her dad 24/7 but they have their own dad who they are very very close to. Ironically, my exhusband has always liked FDH and even when ex and I were fighting for a period there involving the SM deal, he still showed respect and consideration for FDH.
I totally agree she is allowed to have her feelings. What I do not understand and neither does her father is that literally NOTHING has changed physically, geographically, emotionally about how our family operates. No one has moved or is moving. My kids love his kids to death. Nothing financial changed. We have had multiple conversations about this even to the point where she freaked out on a family vacation in Branson MO this past summer about how she was losing her dad. I was totally stunned. We've always been very open with all the kids and want their input. This is gotten too far out of control now. There is no excuse for her to be like this.
What I think is happening is her mother is not only attempting strong PAS but that BM is projecting onto me what happened with her own father and stepmother. BM's mother passed away when she was about 19 and dating FDH. Her father remarried about two or three years later I guess. Eventually things got so bad between the new SM and BM and her older sister (who's a winner in her own controlling, bull in a china shop way) that their father felt the need to lay down the law and demand respect for his wife and her family or get out of his life. BM's family wrote the book on stubbornnes so the girls disengaged. Sad for the grandkids and FDH made sure he kept in contact with his former father in law and wife for the Skids sake. They were very grateful to them and while I never met or spoke to them, they were very kind about me and wished us well as a couple. The SM was a little looney but my FDH says she wasn't that bad. BM and her sis sound like the mini wife complex you guys sometimes describe.
Even after her father died this summer, BM went on his funeral obituary page for the funeral home and wrote a huge and vicious rant about her stepmother where EVERYONE could see it. Doesn't make yourself look like a sympathetic victim. Just vindictive.